THE DOMINION TIMES
Link's Law Allows for Decent Mushrooms in Hyrule
Sunday 24 April 2011
After being convicted of possessing illegal mushrooms, local medicinal shop proprietor Granny must now inform her surrounding neighbors of her new status as a convicted felon. "Those mushrooms were being put to good use," Granny swears. "We use those mushrooms to concoct potions to heal the sick."
Others are not so impressed. "I do construction work, and I work every day to rebuild Kakariko Village," says local worker John, wiping his moustache. "To find out that they had a shop in the outskirts of the village all this time... it's just heartbreaking. I mean, I could have gotten some stuff at any point in time."
Supporters of Link's Law, named after an adventurer who had gone practically an entire journey without the aid of any mushrooms, rallied in Castle Town earlier this week. "We can't just let convicts out willy-nilly and not keep the public informed," said a local juggler in the Market Square. "Think of how much time it saves in having to find some good shrooms."
And time saving it will be. "I work day and night," says John. "Twenty-fours hours to make sure this village gets back on its feet. My only down time would be taking some shrooms on the job."
"It might even mellow out the cuccos," says local Kakariko inn worker and cucco lady. "They can get real riled if you taunt them in the slightest." When asked if mushrooms would mellow herself out as well, the cucco lady responded, "Oh, I'm sorry. I've never tried them. I wouldn't know. I'm sorry."
Even Castle Town's Happy Mask salesman has to be on something. "Mushrooms? Oh, I tell you, I don't have time to get anything good, so I just have to settle with what that creepy old hag that lives by the gate is selling. Usually pretty terrible." And in a whisper, "I swear it has to be grown by Poes or something. You can leave that off the record, right?"
After completing a number of ridiculous tasks, Link has now proven himself worthy of buying his own stash off of Granny. "It's fantastic! I can get it as a legit mushroom, or I can have them stewed down into a potion... the possibilities now are limitless." Link never gave up the fight for some decent shrooms in Hyrule, and finally citizens are following the example.
Been a while, huh? Haha, so I've always wanted to do some sort of Zelda newspaper, but didn't know how to go about it until my co-workers embarrassed the crap out of me about not knowing about the whole government shutdown. The most news I get is what I gloss over the tabloids when I'm checking out at the supermarket. (What is up with all this "Teen Mom" shit?) So in an attempt to get me back into the real world and out of so many textbooks, I thought, why not write a newspaper parodying real life issues and events, like Onion-style?
This is actually article number two, but it works better to have this one posted before the actual first one. I have some friends making a move out to Colorado and it seems that all anyone can talk about with them is how medical marijuana is legal there. This is the ending result of that conversation.
Opinions, please, and any suggestions on issues or events you want to read about are most welcomed and thanked. I'll see you guys in the next article!