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"It's not stupid, it's epic…!"
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PROLOUGE
A long time ago in a bakery far, far away…
Shovel: Well, well, well, we meet again my small but perfectly rounded, and delicious friend.
Pie: It's been a long time, Senor Spade...
Shovel: Indeed...so pie, tell me, have you been seducing unsuspecting pie lovers to eat your meaty goodness again?
Pie: Ha! What do you take me for, you pitiful excuse for a rake? I'm a changed pastry, I'll have you know...I'm all sweet and blueberry centred now...
Shovel: So you've gone over to the dark side...
Pie: No, Shovel, I have gone over to the RIGHT side...Join us!
Shovel: Never! Pie, what do you take me for? One of the tongues you stain with your delectable berries?
Pie: It seems all your years of shifting compost have caught up with you my friend, for your mouth if full of censored for younger viewers
Shovel: Enough! It's time for you to meet a sticky end, my friend.
Pie: The gauntlet is thrown down! Will you stand and fight, or will you fall to the lawn and accept your fate?
Prologue by Lia and Ella
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From the not-so legendary Lia Xaragi comes the infamous story of love, betrayal, and baked goods…
"All That Pie!"
…A DNAngel tribute to the awesome Legendary Frog cartoon, "All Your Pie". Joseph Blanchette, Ark and Kerrigan, you guys rule, this is my pitiful tribute. Please don't flame me everyone!
This story was first heard by Kai-chan (via hyper random e-mail), and Luff, Pugi, Charlio, Ella and Sophie on the infamous Barcelona trip. You guys rule, and this is for you six, and all the dudes from either the Art and Photography classes (and in some special cases, neither!) I love you guys!
And so, having admitted that I, unfortunately, do not own the format for "All Your Pie", DNAngel or anything else mentioned in this pointless drivel, it (finally) begins!
So, can Dark resist eating that delicious Pie…?
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"All That Pie!"
By Lia Xaragi
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"…And so, upon making this delicious pie in home economics class today, I thought it would be a lovely gesture to give it to Mr Dark. Oh, he's just so handsome!"
Risa's eyes glazed over with little love hearts as she thought of the good-looking phantom thief.
"If it weren't for Riku and her stupid games match, I'd give it to him myself, but my parents are insisting that I go…So, Niwa…" she paused to make huge puppy-dog eyes at him. "Please won't you give this pie to phantom thief Dark for me?"
Daisuke Niwa stood there blinking, his mouth opening and shutting like that of a fish. "I-I, well…"
Risa took his mumbling for a 'yes' and gave a squeal of delight. "Oh, thank you Niwa-kun, you're the best!" She thrust the covered dish into his hands and skipped off down the road, out of sight.
Daisuke sighed as he brought the dish inside, lifting the corner of the cover to inspect what was likely to be the most inedible pie ever created by man. Well, Harada.
'Hmm, well, I suppose it looks alright, but Miss Harada's cooking always leaves a lot to be desired…How on earth am I going to get Dark to eat this thing?...!'
Daisuke sat down and tried to think of a plan, the echoes of Dark's snores going around and around in his head becoming an increasing hindrance.
After two hours of an unnecessary plot set-up, he finally came up with something.
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Daisuke faked a huge yawn. "Hey, Dark, it's my turn for a nap. You take over for a while."
(("Sure thing, Dai,")) said Dark, who was now wide awake.
"Oh, just one thing before I go," Daisuke set the dish down on the table and lifted the lid with a flourish. "Now, Dark, don't you eat this piiieee!
And with that, Daisuke was gone, leaving Dark alone, his only company a radio, a bowl of cereal and, of course, the pie.
"Heh," Dark rolled his eyes. "What do you take me for, Dai? I have self-control like you wouldn't believe."
There was silence for a moment while Dark stared at the pie, suddenly realising how hungry he was after his earlier nap. To distract himself from this fact, Dark picked up the bowl of cereal and began talking to himself to cure the spell of the silence around him.
"Yup, self-control. I don't need that pie; I'm perfectly alright with my cereal. Yup, just me and my cereal. I don't need that pie, with its soft, flaky crust, and its delicious blueberry centre, and—NO!"
Dark stopped himself from his pie-describing rant just in time to see a hand creeping along the table-top towards a certain, forbidden baked god.
The aforementioned hand had almost reached the floral-rimmed plate before Dark realised that it was attached to an arm, and, ultimately, to himself.
"Argh, no, BAD hand! Stay!" He smacked away the offending limb with his other hand, spilling the bowl of cereal onto the floor in the process, a mess which he went on to ignore.
"Phew, that was a close one…Right, Dark, don't think about pie, don't think about pie, don't think about pie…" Dark paused to wonder why the Niwa's had a print of a certain mathematical symbol on their wall.
"I really need to think about something other than pie…" Dark thought aloud. "Hmmm, OK, make the thought bubble appear…"
Dark looked into the over-sized thought bubble which had mysteriously appeared next to him to see Satoshi Hiwatari standing alone in the whiteness.
"OK…it's Satoshi!" exclaimed Dark. "But it's not very interesting…Hmm…I know! STAR WARS SATOSHI!"
There was a brief moment as the script was checked.
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Meanwhile, inside the thought bubble…
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Satoshi reappears wearing a Jedi costume and carrying a blue light sabre.
Satoshi: Why am I even here…?
Suddenly, Police Commissioner gone-bad Darth Hiwatari flies in wearing a familiar black outfit and breathing heavily whilst swinging a red light sabre.
Darth Hiwatari: Satoshi Skystroller, Obi-Krad Hikari never told you about your father, did he?
Satoshi: He told me enough, he told me you killed him.
Darth Hiwatari: No, Satoshi, I AM your father!
Satoshi: That's impossible!
Darth Hiwatari: Search your feelings; you know it to be true.
Satoshi: NOOO! Really, it IS impossible. I'm adopted, remember?
Darth Hiwatari: Oh…Yeah…Damn…Umm…..JOIN THE PIE SIDE, MWOAHAHAHA!
Exit Darth Hiwatari
Satoshi: They don't pay me enough. Screw this; I'm going the Pie 'n' Dine. Anyone coming with?
Yoda: Hmmmmmmm, Jedi young, eat pie, you must…
Light Sabre: Vrrrrooomm! Scroooommm!
Dark: WTF!
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Like a disillusioned dream, the thought bubble bursts, with a loud pop…
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"Whoa, that was weird." Commented Dark as the random bubble of thought vanished. He started to swing back on his chair out of boredom, each time going back further and further and further, until—
"This can't be good," he said seconds before crashing to the floor in an embarrassing, undignified heap of bruises.
The pie sat alone on the table. Watching. Waiting. Commiserating.
The foreboding music of the "Jaws" theme drifted in from somewhere outside.
Strands of purple hair bobbed into sight above the wooden waves of the table top, edging ever closer and closer to the unsuspecting pie.
First one hand reached out to grab it, then another, and then, suddenly, unexpectedly--
(("You're not eating the pie, arrree you?")) called Daisuke from somewhere inside his mind in a bout of conscience that Jimminy Cricket would be proud of.
"No…" Dark picked himself up off the floor and sat dejectedly on the up righted chair, still trying his best to avoid the gaze of the pie, which was trying to stare him down.
Dark reached out and switched on the radio. "Oooh, I LOVE this song!" he exclaimed upon hearing a familiar tune. "Wait, could it finally be…the English version! Oh my gods!" Dark proceeded to sing along without really knowing the words.
"In you and I,
There's a new laa-aa-ann-anddddd,
Angels in flight
(Onminiya muska brokina(?))
My sanctuary, my sanctuary yeah,
Where fears and lies,
Melt away awayyyy-ayyy-ayy-ay
Visions of light
(Onminiya muska brokina(?))
My sanct—"
Just as Dark was about to hit another elongated note, there came the ear-wincing scratching noises of the record being cut and a crackle on the airwaves as the DJ's voice cut in.
"We annoyingly interrupt the long awaited English version of this record to bring you an important announcement. The Azumano Pukka Pie Factory—Has exploded. Dozens are injured-BUT it is raining pie, and everybody is exceptionally happy-especially me. The mayor of Azumano had THIS to say."
The DJ's breathless voice was replaced by the thin, squeaky voice of the mayor.
"I declare this day—'PIE DAY'!"
Dark blinked in astonishment, hardly believing what he was hearing. "OK, Dark, stay calm, it's just one great big coincidence…" he grabbed at the radio's tuning dial. "Gotta find another station!"
There was a static crackle before a new voice took over the airwaves.
"…recent studies have shown that if you eat a pie a day, you will have a 5 increase—of YUMMY!"
Dark screamed and threw the cursed radio across the room to shut it up.
"Dammit!" he cried, holding his head in his hands. "Everywhere I turn! No place is safe! The whole god-damned world wants me to eat PIE!" Oh man…now the room's spinning….All the pretty colours…so…shiny…."
And then the echoes of the day's voices began to fly around his head.
(Echo) Daisuke: Don't you eat this piiieee!
(Echo) Dark: Self-Control!
(Echo) Mayor: Pie Day!
(Echo) Daisuke: Don't you eat this piiieee!
(Echo) Dark: Self-Control!
(Echo) Mayor: Pie Day!
(Echo) Lenny: DENTAL PLAN!
"AAARRRGGGHHHHH!" Screamed Dark.
And then…
"Greetings, Dark!" came a voice.
"W-who's there? Who said that!"
"Dark, it is I, the Pie."
"But…that's impossible!" exclaimed Dark. "Wait a sec…why do you sound like Krad…?"
"Uhh…That is of no importance at this moment in time. There is a reason why I have chosen to speak with you, Dark."
"What do you want from me?"
"I have a simple request for you, Dark Mousy," came the Krad-like voice of the Pie. "I want you to EAT me!"
Dark gasped. "No! I can't do that! Besides, Daisuke said not too, he'll get mad!"
"Don't you want me, Dark? Look at me, I'm SOOO delicious." The home-baked smell of the pie grew stronger, wafting towards Dark, making his mouth water.
"Oh god I want you…so much…but….can't…"
"EAT ME!"
"NO!"
There was a deadly silence, like the calm before the storm. Something was coming…Something…bad.
The clock ticked. A pin dropped. And then…
"FINE. I bet you couldn't do it anyway, YOU BRUSH-HAIRED PONCEY LIL' TAMER'S BOY!"
"What!" Dark's eyes narrowed as he glared at the pie in hatred. "Say that again." he challenged.
"Normally I would but I'm afraid I'll OVER-LOAD your pathetic PEA-SIZED mind!"
It took a long moment for Dark to register that the pastry had insulted him.
"Right, that's it! You're going down, Pie, prepare yourself!" Dark grabbed an ornamental sword from above the fireplace and brandished it above his head, screaming "GLADIATOR!" as he leapt gallantly towards the evil menace that we call Pie…
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Sometime later that afternoon…
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Emiko Niwa was pleased with the amount of shopping she had picked up that afternoon, and her return to home saw her in good spirits, glad to be able to put her heavy bags down.
"Dai! Dark! I'm home!" she called, pushing the door open. The sight of what lay beyond made her drop her bags in horror.
"WHAT THE CRAP!" she yelled as she entered the bomb site which had been a clean and tidy front room just hours before.
The radio set lay smashed beyond all repair, pieces of debris scattered across the carpet, mingling with soggy and squashed cornflake corpses that floated upon the sea of spilt milk, its stain snaking its way between upturned chairs and crumpled cushions.
Amidst all the chaos and crumbs, there sat the Phantom Thief Dark Mousy, an empty plate in his hands and a triumphant smirk on his face.
Upon seeing the shocked form of Emiko standing in the doorway, he grinned some more and held up a sword, covered in a sickly sweet blue stain.
"I'm not gonna deny it," said Dark. "I ate the pie."
And with that, he switched places with Daisuke and disappeared.
Daisuke sweat dropped when he saw the stormy look on Emiko's face. "Err…Hi, Mom…"
Emiko Niwa took another disbelieving look at the mess before crossing her arms and glaring at Daisuke.
"You'd better have a good explanation for this, young man!"
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Owari
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C'est fini! Ah, my beloved masterpiece, finally you are complete! I'm so proud of this drivel! (Why?)
And remember children, it was not ALL pointless. The moral of this story is…
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THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Ah, good old Reverse Psychology. Works every time, mwoahahaha……
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What did you think, everyone? Please use the magic of reviewing to tell me!
To all those who were waiting for this: Apologies for it taking so long, but it's finally here! NOW you can shoot me! (No one's gonna take my writing seriously anymore, are they…?)
Farewell, everyone. Never forget the Legend of the Talking Pie. Seriously. It doesn't like it when people forget. I mean it. Oh well, have it your way…
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This has been a Xaragi Production. (Kami-sama help us all…)
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