I like the Winchester brothers, they are good friends of mine. Dean even once told me that he considers me his another brother. But still there are a lot of things I can't talk with them about and some things they won't ever understand.
After "great fall" I was staying with Dean and Sam because I didn't know what to do anymore. Thousands of years of watching people and when it happened to me after losing grace… I was really nothing more than a useless "baby in a trenchcoat". I spent 3 months hunting with Winchesters. And then I just left. I had a lot of things going on in my mind, different thoughts. But most of all I felt unwanted.
Our relationships with Dean were not easy from the beginning and years after they became even more…complicated. Mostly because of me, because of my constant betrayals. Dean Winchester is a great generous man. I just didn't want to be a burden anymore. So I left. One day when they went to sleep I just put some of my clothes on (simple t-shirt, jeans that Dean bought me and my old trenchcoat in a memory of old days) and left the motel room we were staying at. I walked and walked to nowhere, and after some time I found a long closed motel. Dean would've probably said that I was crazy for staying at such a place with drug addicts and prostitutes. But it's a good place. Nothing like I was expecting. Well honestly I wasn't expecting anything. There is no one here at all, at this lost in Father knows where place. But it's a little bit cold here, perhaps of the weather outside. It's getting cooler and cooler each day, also heater is broken. My days here don't really differ one from another. I mostly spend days in bed thinking about stuff, about my past, future. I guess I'm in what people call "depression". At least it seems like it. I'm drowning myself in regret, guilt. I don't sleep much, don't eat. Just drink some water from time to time and use toilet. (It's still pretty weird feeling to be human even if I've already lost my powers once). Days go by I don't know maybe I was hoping that Dean would try to find me. It's childish I know, but…nothing. And maybe it's for the best. Noone needs a broken fallen angel, a useless fool like me.
I'm laying in my small bed on once white sheets looking at walls with floral wallpapers on. My vision blurs a little. I guess it's from hunger. But I just can't eat. And also I didn't have money to buy something. So there I was looking at peachy wallpapers, slowly starving to death when I felt it, small touching to my hair, soft ruffling… I closed my eyes and lean to that hand. When I woke up with unclear remembrance of that tough, I immediately think that it was all a weird dream (now 'm having them from time to time). Because there were noone here, but me. I tried to sit up a bit even if it was hard. I left myself dizzy. Then I turned my head to the side where a small bed table was and I was surprised to find there 3 apples and some packages with cookies. Thinking that it was all just a dream I grabbed an apple and took a bite, then coughed. I last ate so long ago. The apple was sweet, but everything still was kind of surreal. I ate some more and then once again fell into darkness.
Next time I wake up from a strong coughing. My throat was burning, also I can bet I heard some highpitch in my ears. It was awful. I thought that all my entrails would come outside. I had tears in my eyes. I really thought that I was going to die. There was the second time I felt a light, gentle touch of a cold fingers to my forehead.
It was rough week I didn't remember much, just constant pain… and soothing touches to my cheeks, trying to feed me, gentle fingers at my arms… But I was having a fever so I thought it was all just a dream, even if I woke up with a weird feeling of full stomach and energy in my body.
After I almost rose from the dead I really began to question my sanity. I knew that I was alone in that motel, that no one was there, except me. But every day I found some food at my bedtime. I tried not to sleep, trace, pretend to be sleeping… Nothing. It just didn't give me peace and make any sense. I wasn't a demon work, I didn't feel any sulphur. Each day food became more and more refined. Cookies became croissants, apples – rich salad and exotic unusual fruits. Also I found a package with burgers on my table once.
So after some time I just accepted that there was something that was taking care of me. I guess the experience of knowing Winchester brothers really helped me in that. On the other hand Dean and Sam always told me you can't trust anything "supernatural".
I long lost counting of days, so I don't really know when it happened. I was taking a shower, but in spite of this my clothes got dirty after some time… really dirty. And I wanted to change into something else, but I hadn't got anything to put on instead. That day I once again went to take a shower, and when I came back there were grey long V-neck t-shirt, dark blue shirt and black trousers waiting for me on the bed. To my surprise it all fitted me. To my even bigger surprise my old clothes appeared several days later washed clean. This creature…being…I don't know, after some time I really stopped to pay attention to all this odds. I could fell asleep on an unmade bed and woke up, carefully wrapped up in a blanket, felt through dreams someone's touched or even unexpectedly found a book or some thing on my bed.
I remember one time the glass of champagne appeared on my bed table. I almost even dropped it accidentally. Next day it was gone.
So that's how I lived day after day, hiding from everyone around in prison I built for myself.
I think I always suspect something. But for the first time I got an idea, absurd, but still of the identity of my "caring neighbor" after my going out into the world. Not that I couldn't stand being at home, because of someone's invisible presence. No. I guess I just wanted to have a breath of fresh air, stretch my legs and change the usual setting. I was crossing the street when I notice a figure, silhouette of a man in a black jacket, jeans and with a dirty blond hair. It was like seeing a ghost. I know it was a game of my imagination, but in that moment I really considered a possibility that it was…Balthazar. My brother, who I so cruelly killed.
It all took its place like pieces from a puzzle. Glass of champagne, grey deep V-neck t-shirt, croissants… It suits perfectly, but… there was that one small detail: I murdered him. Even if he would've survived somehow, why would he want to help me?..
But you know the reality and assumptions are two different things, so even if I was almost sure I still haven't got any proves at all. That's why I decided to make a trap for my visitor.
It was night. I was laying in bed with my eyes closed, trying to hold my breath and pretend I was asleep. There, when I almost lost my hope and flowed into Kingdom of Dreams, I heard soft step sounds and then…little touch to my forehead. When the palm begins to move away I desperately reach for it with my hand, before even opening my eyes.
- Balthazar, please, stay.
The hand on my forehead frozes.
-…Cas? – He asks surprised.
I sigh with relieve after finally hearing his voice.
I opened my eyes and smile a lit, seeing Balthazar's unsure and a little embarrassed face. I love this expression of his, it suits him much better than that mask of Casanova player he wore last time we've seen each other.
I feel myself shy and also flushes a little, not knowing what to say. Our interlaced hands are laying on the bed near my laps.
- You're awake.
- Yeah.
- You know…good to see you and all. Sorry for sneaking every day in and out of here and never mentioning my presence to you. I wanted, but wasn't really sure, what you'd think and that's why…
- Balthazar, - I lean my body closer to him.
- Cas?
- Let me lay like this a bit.
My brother sighs and sits on my bed, embracing me in a hug.
- I'm sorry for betraying you. I didn't want to, Cas.
- No need for explanation, brother. It was all my entire fault. If only I…
- Hey, you did the best you could at that time. No matter what, you were the only one who cared.
I begin to feel myself a lit bit too warm from the heat of Balth's body and begin to fall asleep.
- Stay here with me today. Don't go. Please.
- Eh, you know I never could said no to you.
- Thank you.