Culpabilité du survivant

Survivor's Guilt

By porpierita

A/N: Yah! My latest Minerva Paradizo piece! A oneshot, conveying Minerva's feelings and emotions during the three years of Arty's disappearance. No flames please. Constructive criticism appreciated.

All characters belong to Eoin Colfer! Duh? If they belonged to moi, Arty and Minerva would be snogging by now—joking, don't kill me anti-Minerva's!

Minerva Paradizo's Diary

I keep telling myself that it wasn't my fault. That it would have happened anyway. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot deny the fact that I have had something to do with Artemis Fowl's disappearance. Had I not screamed, had Butler not had been torn to help me; all would have probably been different. But no, silly me, I had to cry out in surprise, therefore changing all events.

I shouldn't have even planned the Demon Project. I shouldn't have tried to capture one of them for my studies, and with greed's help, tried to use him to win the Nobel Prize. I have wasted half a million euros of Papa's money, destroyed our chatéau, and worse of all, caused the disappearance of Artemis and his few colleagues.

To make up for this, I have tried on countless occasions to help Butler, Artemis's now retired bodyguard, to cope with the trauma of the preceding three years. I have strived to help him, attempting to get him to read classical fictions, to try and show him that happy endings do come true. But to no avail, we both know that the teenager with the piercing blue eyes will still haunt our thoughts with that vampire grin of his. We both know that he may never return. We both know the truth.

Little happiness has been brought to the Fowls and the Butlers. The only great occasion was when Angeline Fowl, Artemis's mother, conceived two male twins, by the names of Beckett and Myles. They, however, have Mrs. Fowl's teal coloured eyes. Thank goodness, or they would probably have reminded us too much of the eldest Fowl child.

I have somewhat become a family friend of the Fowls and Butlers (in which I am entirely grateful for), visiting Fowl Manor often enough. And of course, Butler's little hut too. I am good friends with Juliet, Butler's sister, even if she is seven years older than me, but the only reason I can get along well with her is mainly due to the fact that I have a higher than average IQ. And Juliet isn't what you'd call the brightest. The strongest, yes, but she is a little bit…lightheaded, shall I say? Juliet, would, no doubt, call herself 'ditzy', but I do not lower myself to vocabulary of that level.

Mr. and Mrs. Fowl welcome me with open arms, but I can see the hurt and despair in their eyes over the loss of their eldest son. I can tell that the birth of the twins could never replace that teenage prodigy child. They do not even bear a grudge against me, even though I often blame myself for his disappearance.

Butler says it's just 'survivor's guilt'. He tells me that Artemis was a psychology expert, and would have said the same thing; this simple phrase brings tears to my eyes. I can't truly accept the truth of how conceited I was before. So much has been shown to me, and I have learned a great deal from the events of the past. I cannot help but hope that one day, my mistakes will be cured by the return of the group that fell out of the Taipei 101 nearly three years ago. But even then, will they forgive me, like the Fowl parents and the Butlers have? Will Artemis forgive me? Even though I hope he will, I know that it would not be his fault if he blamed me for his missing three years or more of the present life. Heavens, three years is enough. If he were to return a decade later, what would happen? Or what if he returned a century later, when we are all gone from the surface of the Earth, with only our descendants left to tell the tale: the story of Minerva Paradizo, who waited without success for the return of Artemis Fowl?

I cannot even think of that fact. It is too much to bear. Even for a genius like me—although how a genius could've failed as miserably as I have is unthinkable.

I do not know how I feel towards him—that juvenile criminal mastermind…although now I have doubt that he was a criminal. The Fowls were well known in the underground markets of deception and illicit activities in the past…but now, they are going legitimate, and are thinking of even changing their motto, from Aurum Potestas Est, to something else. Gold is Power means nothing to them anymore.

Before, I had hated Artemis for his strutting in and taking away my demon. I was infuriated by that act. But now, I understand why. I am wrongly named; Minerva was the Roman goddess of wisdom. I should have been named Pandora, the first mortal woman who was so blind of the problems her deeds may have caused and released all the evils on the world. Like how I was going to obliviously release the demons on the world. But then…Pandora brought hope out too. Did I bring hope for the Fowls? Did I remind them somehow of their own son? Butler says I am a lot like Artemis, and I cannot deny the fact that we have many similarities, even though I doubt he was as ignorant as myself.

I may have detested him before, but now…there's another feeling beneath all that grief. I cannot help but hope that he will feel the same way about me as I do of him, though I know it is highly unlikely. But if he does, there are so many possibilities out there for us, the two genii, to achieve. Even if we could still commit illegal activities, we could operate these schemes to people who little tears will be shed: people who are destroying the environment, criminals themselves. Of course, we will not be like modern day Robin Hoods, heavens no. We will divert some…funds to our own bank accounts. But the majority will go to organizations like Amnesty International et cetera. After all, we are ridding the world of criminals and wrongdoers.

I have never felt the need to have to do something like this. Artemis's good behavior is perhaps…contagious? But I do not mind. I may not tell others, but I have personally accepted that I may have…and still, idolize him—by the most petite amount. I have changed so much over the past few years; one would not recognize me as the spoilt brat before that heartbreaking…incident.

Together, Artemis and I will make sure our names are known worldwide, but of course, leaving no evidence for the criminals or authorities to follow us. We will put our lives in danger—but I do not mind, since I cannot tolerate another day at school learning things I have mastered at the tender age of seven or less. Why help the world when no one knows you do? But yes, sometimes things like that are done, for example, like how Artemis donated the painting The Fairy Thief by Pascal Hervé anonymously, without gaining anything. A deed of honor, perhaps we will continue to do that, Artemis and I…that is, if he forgives me—or perhaps, if he even returns.

It does not do one good to grieve for a lost person…but Artemis is not lost forever, or so I hope. Even if I regret my actions dearly, and wish that I could undo the events of the past, what is done, has already been done. I have to carry on. I cannot stop and just await destiny to take place. No, I refuse to believe that our paths have been laid out for us from the birth of time. I believe that we chart our own courses, and find our places in this world. And I, Minerva Paradizo, must move on.

A/N: Nice ending? I try, I try. Don't kill me. Anyways, how'd you like it? I always think that there's something nice about Minerva anyways ;)

Wanna check out my other Minerva Paradizo oneshots? Go to my profile and read the other one, it explains of how Minerva got evil!

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