Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin.
Author's note: I've had this in my mind for a while now. I hope you find enjoyment in reading it as I have in writing it.
"Fireflies"
It was a beautiful night, I mused, studying the ground with my head slightly bowed. Crickets chirped faintly, the breeze ruffling through the foliage accenting their lively song as pale moonlight filtered through the leaves of the trees. Unfortunately, just as the moon could not reach the deepest shadows, so nature's beauty was overshadowed by the darkness of man. The era did not matter; eras and governments were built and run by people, and they would not change unless the people behind them changed. I had wanted so vainly to think that the blade of my katana had helped to establish this Meiji era, but it had been nothing but arrogance. These people still acted the same, still cried at the dark and lusted after self-gain, hiding behind the bloodied swords of others. It was disheartening to think that so many, so very many, had died or been scarred to bring forth this Meiji era that did not live up to its ideals.
I looked up, my eyes narrowing in pain and contemplation as I gazed at the stars. They twinkled so brightly, so beautifully…specks of white in an otherwise black sky. White…like the pale, creamy shade of her skin; white, like the white plum that was her scent; white…like the snow she died in. White…like my hands can never be cleansed to become. Oh, Tomoe… Was this what you died for? An era of empty promises…?
No. I shouldn't be thinking like this. I suppose the night and the heaviness in my heart has prompted my melancholy. Truly, I am grateful for the end of the fighting. While men in power still struggle for supremacy, the bloodshed is not carried into the streets any longer. Unbidden, my thoughts drifted to Yahiko in his youthful pride. I now know that the blade of a katana cannot change an era, but the hearts of men can. Every time I look at him, at the man he will become, and at other young ones like him, I feel hope. I smiled faintly, so much so that the gesture seemed almost sad. I cannot allow Shishio to have his way and reopen rebellion. Young ones like Yahiko did not know the bloodiness of the Bakumatsu, and they shouldn't learn through experience. I am determined, this is true, but at the same time I cannot help but feel a small amount of pity for Shishio. He is like so many other hardened warriors who cannot bear their scars. But no amount of resentment should spark the bloodshed we have enjoyed a respite from for the past ten years.
Ten years… ten long years that I have spent as a wanderer, helping those I could with the sakabatou at my waist, trying to find some way to atone for my sins as the hitokiri Battousai. While every life I have saved does not replace every one I have stolen, each one has lessened my burden. I found slowly that I, even I the unworthy one, was allowed a small piece of happiness that bloomed each day I spent in Tokyo, at the Kamiya dojo. Kaoru…
I paused, my steps coming to a graceful halt as I turned my attention to the small clearing in front of me, bordered by a gently flowing stream. At its bank, watching the flickering of the fireflies with a pained expression of dejection, a young woman stood. The pale evening light danced around the fabric of her kimono, making it appear lavender as it wrapped her slender form. Dark hair, pulled into a ponytail with a ribbon, still flowed to her waist in a silky wave. Smooth, ivory hands emerged from the sleeves of her kimono to clasp at her chest as she stared out over the water.
Kaoru…she was so incredibly beautiful standing there, the moonlight painting a heavenly glow on her lovely face. For a few breathless moments, all I could do was stare as my heart clenched painfully in my chest. Her expression was so worried and sad, and I knew her concern was for me. I don't want to be the cause of her pain, she's had so much already. So much has already happened in her young life, and she has come through it all with her kind heart intact where others have become jaded. She is so strong…I am so incredibly grateful for this time, however short, that I have had the chance to know her. To be near her.
"They're beautiful fireflies, aren't they?" I tried to make my voice light, and I was amazed at how well I succeeded. But I couldn't mask the serious undertones in my voice, and as she whipped around to stare at me, I was certain she heard.
"Kenshin!" she called, almost breathlessly. Oh, how I loved the sound of her voice. I almost didn't trust myself to speak, but instead only smiled softly and lifted my eyes to gaze across her petite body and briefly meet her eyes. How richly blue they were, I noticed not for the first time. So many different hues that mixed together to so openly show whatever emotion she was feeling. At the moment, those expressive azure orbs were wide with confusion as she called my name again.
"Ken…shin?" Her voice was hesitant, and I could only guess what emotions were running through her mind as she stared at me. The wind ruffled again, rippling the magenta fabric of my gi and the bright auburn of my hair. Stray tendrils of midnight black hair, free from the confinement of her ponytail, fluttered as well, gently caressing the tender skin of her face. Gazing at her, I wasn't sure what it was I felt, but it was powerful.
"Lord Okubo was assassinated today," I said, my tone informative and cool, without so much as a glimmer of the easy-going persona I usually wore around her.
"I know. I heard the news." I wasn't really all that surprised. I didn't think there was anyone in Tokyo who didn't know by now.
"Shishio was behind it all," I continued, "One of his men did it. I can't stand by and allow Shishio to continue this." For a few, flickering heartbeats, neither of us spoke. I watched her, my expression carefully crafted to not reveal any of my intentions. She must have known my answer, though.
"I'll be going to Kyoto." Kaoru turned away from me then, once more gazing across the bank at the glittering flashes of the fireflies. I could both see and sense the sadness coming from her, and it pained me. But I had to stand firm. Her next choice of words surprised me. Not that they should have, I suppose.
"Kyoto…does that mean…you're going back to the man you were ten years ago?" she asked, her voice both hesitant and imploring. I sighed, the sound barely audible, and formed my mouth into a noncommittal line as I lifted my head.
"I don't know yet," I replied honestly, tilting my chin to get a better view of the night sky. "For ten years I've forbidden myself from becoming that man again, always staying in control. However, my battle with Saitou earlier taught me something very clearly: it showed me that deep within myself there's an angry manslayer who'll never be able to change his ways." Kaoru turned back around forcefully, her body animated with conviction and her eyes intense, facing my profile as she spoke.
"But Kenshin, you were always able to go back to normal again! No matter how close you get to being the Battousai, you'll always be the person you really are! A wanderer who doesn't," her voice faltered a little, "kill…"
I didn't look at her, afraid of what I would see. Her hope, her conviction, her naiveté… She was so sure of herself, so honest and open, so sure of me. It hurt, but I couldn't let her see it hurt.
"If I stay here any longer, every incident that I become involved with will endanger you all, and I'll get closer to being the Battousai each time." I could just see her out of my peripheral vision, but I focused my gaze ahead of me. For a moment, I could see her in my thoughts, happy and relieved that her school's name had been cleared, dressed in her training hakama and clutching her bokken. I smiled a little wistfully. I shouldn't have stayed this long…but I never could make myself leave. It was always her; her smile, her kind heart, even the fury of her temper that made me want to stay. And while the blood stain on my hands will never come clean, I grew comfortable. Still smiling softly, I turned to face her. I wanted to see those beautiful blue eyes when I spoke to her.
"When I first met you, I remember you telling me, Miss Kaoru, how you felt my past wasn't really all that important." I closed my eyes briefly, reflecting on her words. For so very many, to all the people who bear a grudge against the hitokiri Battousai, Battousai is all that I am. Kaoru….you were the first to make me believe that it might have been possible, that I could be something other than Battousai. That I could be Himura Kenshin.
"I was happy you said that." The gentleness in my voice had the opposite effect on Kaoru, who seemed to close her eyes a little in sorrow. Her lower lip trembled, but she didn't speak. An image crossed my mind then, of another day here. She and Yahiko were racing across a bridge, full of the excitement of life. I followed behind, amazed at and reveling in the bright, innocent happiness of the two of them.
"My soul was refreshed, day after day…" Another memory, of the three of us eating, joined by Dr. Genzai and Ayame and Suzume. Happy; I was happy.
"…and I truly felt that…" I paused again. It was becoming harder to put my emotions into words, especially with all the memories resurfacing. Another one…Sano was picking on Yahiko, while I and Kaoru and Megumi looked on. Sano…he has proven to be a great friend, over and over again. I have been lucky.
"…I could become a normal swordsman." As I looked at Kaoru, I remembered another time not so long ago where she was bickering with Megumi over pouring my sake. I believe there is a lot more to Megumi than she would let on, despite all her trickery and teasing. She hides herself in a way not unlike how I hide behind the rurouni. I hope that one day she will put her demons to rest and go on with her life. But then, I haven't exactly done the best job of that myself…so who am I to talk? Still, I hope, for her sake.
"I truly did." My voice lowered, there was no way I could possibly explain the depth of my gratitude to Kaoru, or my respect for the strength of her character. Kaoru… Almost unthinking, I reached out and grasped her hand. Her skin, it was so smooth compared to my own calloused skin. Gently, but at the same time forcefully, I pulled her to me in a tight embrace, resting my head on her delicate shoulder. I want to ignore the way her body melds so perfectly in to mine, the way her chin rests on my shoulder. She has made no move to return my embrace, but she doesn't pull away. I imagine I surprised her. I surprised myself. For a moment, I said nothing, and she did the same. For a time, all I wanted to do was continue to hold her, to breathe in her sweet scent. Jasmine...
My eyes were closed, and with her wrapped in my arms, I allowed my regret and sorrow to show on my face.
"Thank you for everything." I can only imagine the look on her face right now. With my sharp hearing, I heard the small gasp as it escaped her lips, and raised my head from her shoulder. My smile was bittersweet.
"I am a wanderer, Miss Kaoru," I said gently, wanting to cause her as little hurt as possible. I paused, letting the implications of that statement sink in and lifted my chin a little higher. Her body was trembling in my arms, and I wanted nothing more then except to make that trembling go away. But I couldn't ignore my duty, even if it meant returning to the hitokiri. If I did, Tomoe and all the other poor souls would have died in vain. Their deaths would be meaningless. I cannot allow that.
"…and its time to wander again." I paused again, steadying Kaoru as her trembling seemed only to become worse. I couldn't see her with my eyes, but I knew that her eyes were shining with unshed tears.
"Farewell." I felt the faint dampness as that single tear flowed down her ivory cheeks to stain my gi, and my heart contracted painfully in my chest at the sound of her choked sob. I felt her shake her head ever so slightly, as many more sobs followed the first and her tears began to flow freely. I pulled away from her, never meeting her gaze, and turned around. I had to be strong. My face was composed, not betraying any of my inner torment. I heard another sob, stronger than those before it, and fought against the urge to go back and wipe every tear from her face. This was the way it had to be.
I cannot hear her footsteps, so I know she isn't coming after me. She seems…frozen. I am sorry for that, that I am the cause of such pain in her. When I first came to stay at her dojo, we were both lonely and needy, though we rarely showed it. Hers from the loss of her father, mine from the path I walked. We helped each other, and if we'd had more time maybe we could have mended each other's scars.
My footsteps are echoing in the night, a sad companion sound to Kaoru's hitching breaths. I do not look back. I cannot look back, and begin to fade in the night.
"Ken…shin…" I could not even pause. Her voice, so breathless and heartbroken, was tearing at my soul. Yet I could not. I dared not. I heard the brief sound of a footstep, tiny though it was, followed by a winded gasp as Kaoru fell to her knees. I could not see her, but I knew that she was hunched over, her head in her hands as if trying to drown out the world. And still her tears fell.
"Ken…shin…" Her voice was so weak, so lost and alone. I forced myself to harden my heart and ignore her pleading cries. Whether she was pleading for me, or for my damned soul, I doubt I'll ever know. Without so much as a glance back at her, I disappeared into the night, my fiery hair blowing gently behind me. Maybe, when this is all over, my Kaoru, if you would take me, I will return. To Tokyo. ….to you.
May 14, Meiji 11
On that day, Himura Kenshin became a wanderer once again. Into the pitch-black darkness he disappeared alone---