"Even in the end, I am still asking more of you. I am very sorry I couldn't return your love. I am very sorry. Being with you for the past five years was like a dream come true for me, Byakuya-sama"
He jerked awake from his dream-state into reality. It was about midnight as he gazed up at the sky. The autumn's chilly winds blowing rhythmically as the clouds sailed through the pitch dark sea. Leaves scattered around him as if they were tear drops from the trees. Sadly and ironically, it reminded Byakyua of the day of Hisana's death. Though the day was 500 years ago, it still hurt like a fresh wound. It still had the power to make his heart sink to the darkest pits of sorrow. Tears glazed over his steely eyes. Those very eyes; always void of any human emotions. Those hard, cold eyes, now in middle of the sombre and lonely night, were coming to life. Byakuya leaned his head back against the thin wall of his nihon jutaku, sighed heavily and tightly closed his eyes. What he saw behind his closed eyes was his dead wife, Hisana.
Her lovely oval face. Those kind violet eyes, filled with care and regret sometimes. She bore extremely strong physical characteristics to Rukia, but it was the inside that was very different. Rukia was much more hot tempered, strong, and full of conviction and courage; whereas Hisana was a soft spoken and benevolent soul. Her needs always came last to others. Maybe that's why he started to love her. Her presence provided a source of comfort for his restlessness, but she wasn't here anymore and it bothered him more than he ever let on. Sometimes, he saw her, smiling kindly in the garden, waiting for him to walk with her across the bridge. But he would stand there sadly, looking at her, as her mirage scattered among the leaves of the garden she had set so lovingly. The garden painfully reminded him of her, all soft and gentle. He wanted to scream. Trash the goddamn place. He wanted drop to his knees and sob.
"Why couldn't you stay with me Hisana" He said softly into the darkness.
"Why …why…why!" he said a little more loudly then intended. But he didn't care. He was alone. No one was going to see his charade of detachment and icy control slip. The feelings he buried deep inside of him regarding Hisana only surfaced the day of her death. That is the only time he drank; to drown himself in his sorrow. To make it easier for him to grieve. To make the process of him crying bearable. Because a man like Byuakyua would never cry. He would never dare to exhibit vulnerability. But tonight, with the help of sake, silence and the dark isolation that night offered, he was going to mourn for the woman he had lo?st.
He hung his head and began to slowly succumb to his internal purgatory. A single tear drop slip down his face onto his hand. He swallowed hard, took another swing of his sake and let the tears silently flow as questions, anger and pain surged through his mind and heart. As soon as he parted his lips to sob, he stopped. Someone was there. Behind the thin wall, someone had intruded his ritual of wretchedness.
Gone was the pained expression from his face. Callousness quickly fell across his face like a curtain. Once assured his demeanour was backing to stoic, he stood casually, tossed the sake into the darkness and began to make his way out of the garden back to his captain chamber.
"You mustn't bottle up your emotions. It's okay to grieve" said the timid and frail voice. At first he thought it was his imagination. The voice was so small, that it intertwined with the blowing wind, but it sounded familiar.
"It's going to eat you up from the inside if you don't let it out Byakuya-sama"
He stopped. Orihime. He stood tensely. His captain uniform and silver scarf blowing as the wind picked up aggression.
"I know…I know what it feels like to lose someone so dear to you. It fills a person up with tremendous grief, hate and agony. I tried to bottle it up and plastered a smile on my face as if I was okay with it, but I hurt so much on the inside." Orihime offered as sensible advice.
He stood there listening to her breathe for a moment. "It is none of your business. Eavesdropping on someone's private moment is not respectful". With that he started to walk away. Although he said this in his usual phlegmatic manner, inside he was angry. He was angry because this girl, this human was telling him to bare his feelings for people to see. She intruded on his most intimate moment and dared to offer her opinion about what he should. But he grudgingly admitted she had guts just like her friend Ichigo.
"It's not worth it in the long run. You'll be filled with hate and anger until it'll boil over and start affecting who you are and how you perceive your surroundings" she added on quietly
The air between them instantly stiffened. What she had said hung heavily in the silence. He clenched his fists "Silence you mortal fool" he said dismissively through clenched teeth. The sake was clearly making it hard for him to walk away with the dignity he had left in front of her.
"As a matter of fact, it has already consumed your perception of the world around you" she said shakily. But she was determined that this man she had known to be so cold and apathetic, could release his buried feelings and feel them. She wanted him to feel them so he could move on.
As he turned around swiftly, the wind started blowing wildly. Leaves went flying, clouds grumbling as if they felt the anger that was stirring hotly and dangerously inside Byakyua.
"How dare you…" he said in a low but icy tone. The same tone he used when battling. He felt his control slipping. He was walking towards the auburn haired, pale skinned girl; who now kept her eyes glued to the grass. With three long strides he was inches away from her. Orihime kept her eyes down. Her heart was racing fast. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything. She should have let him walk away as he was doing. He took her chin in his hand and bought her face to look up to his dark, tear stained face. The emptiness in his eyes was replaced by pain and Orihime was forced to look into them. She felt scared.
"Just what do you know about me huh? What do you know about the way I feel?" He was too close for comfort. She was squirming in his grasp. She tried to turn away, but he quickly took a hold of her.
"Don't you turn away from me Orihime" He roared and she stopped struggling.
"I loved her so much. I tried to do everything I could to distance her regret of leaving Rukia behind. I wanted her to be at peace. I wanted her to finally be happy, but in the end she couldn't even live to see her sister." All the while saying this, he maintained eye contact.
"I'm so sorry for your loss Byakuya-sama. I know it was hard for you. Death is always hard on those who care deeply, but you must let yourself go through the process of grievance in order to let go" Orihime said.
It was something in her voice that made him remember Hisana and made his anger disappear. Orihime's voice was filled with the same polite and heavy compassion which was always laced with Hisana's voice. He dropped his eyes to floor while still holding onto her and he looked back up. Byakuya saw Hisana. He saw her violet/bluish eyes, her deathly pale skin, her small, pink lips parted slightly.
"Hisana..." Byakuya whispered in disbelief. He cupped Hisana's face in his large hands and leaned in for a touch of her lips.
With all her mite, Orihime pushed him away. He stumbled back, but caught himself. Suddenly he saw Hisana's face evaporate and Orihime's intrude his vision. "I'm ss..ss..ss..sorry. I". She didn't know what to say. Her heart beat was through the roof.
Was this really happening? Did Byakyua try to kiss her just right now? Wait, did he just call her Hisana? Orihime re-tracked her steps towards his room all the while looking at him. He looked bewildered more so then shocked. She could see he was breathing heavily. She knew she should have never intruded his seclusion. But he was in so much pain; she needed to help him somehow. She turned around and hurried through the room feeling a rush of emotion. However, the emotion inside her was not of anger, but of wonder and bewilderment.
It was the same feeling Byakyua was feeling as he stood there in the pool of darkness and as the wind blew and the leaves danced in the wind. Maybe he had found the woman he longed to see and love.