This is a happy little piece of fluff brought about by a contest/challenge. I do to own New Girls or their characters.
Jess walked into the living room and jingled her keys. "Who's up for a little shopping?"
No one even looked up.
"Oh, come on, guys!" She wheedled. "I don't want to go alone. Schmidt," she wagged a finger at him. "You love to shop more than I do! What gives?"
Schmidt didn't take his eyes away from his laptop. "Please," he scoffed. "I saw you perusing the Target ad, my friend. No way."
She stomped her foot. "There is nothing wrong with Target, Schmidt!"
He finally looked at her over his 80's 'only at home' pair of glasses. "And mix with the cheap, badly dressed, unwashed masses?" He turned back to the screen. "No thank-a-you."
"Okey dokey. No Schmidt. Anyone else?"
"Wait." Schmidt wrote something on a notepad and tore it off. "As long as you're there," he shrugged as he handed her the paper. "Could you get me some of that roll on wax?" He ran a hand over is chest. "I'm getting a little low. Make sure it's the microwavable kind. Either Nair or Sally...hey! Quit it!"
He threw up his hands to protect his glasses as Winston and Nick barraged him with couch pillows.
"Not every man wants to look like Sasquatch, you animals!" He yelled.
Jess grinned as Schmidt gathered the pillows from the floor and carefully arranged them on the couch once more. "Wax. Check." She turned to Nick and Winston. "Well?"
Winston leaned back against the couch. "If you're taking orders, I'd like some toothpaste."
Jess sighed and put her hands on her hips. "That is not what I meant!" When Winston put his hands up in surrender she immediately felt bad. "I mean...of course I'll get your toothpaste, Winston."
She looked at Nick who was actively avoiding eye contact. Even before they'd become a couple, he'd once told that her giant eyes had mesmerizing properties that somehow made him do stuff he didn't want to do.
It had not been a compliment.
It somehow felt wrong to abuse her power, so she just said softly, "Nick?"
Winston and Schmidt both looked at him to see if he'd fold.
Nick winced. "I hate most shopping, Jess. And you know how I feel about Target."
She rolled her eyes. "And Walmart, and Costco. I know, Nick."
Winston gave Nick a sly grin. "Isn't this couple territory, man?" He looked at Jess while Nick gave him the turtle face. "I'm pretty sure this is in his job description now, Jess. He has to go."
"He does not!" Jess argued nervously. Nick was so easily spooked.
"Are you kidding?" Schmidt leaped up from the table to sit beside Nick. "This is the time you build brownie points, my friend! She'll owe you."
Jess watched in disbelief as both Nick and Winston nodded their heads as though a sage had just spoken. "I'm standing right here, Schmidt." She gave up and looked around for her purse, leaving the room as she went to search her room.
"Hey," Winston motioned for the guys to bring it in and whispered. "They have a lingerie section there, man."
"Noooo," Nick got nervous just thinking about it. "I am not buying her lingerie."
Schmidt slapped him on the back of the head. "First of all, of course you can. And second, you don't have to buy it."
"Right." Winston agreed. "You can just...suggest."
"...after she models it for you," Schmidt followed up.
Nick turned red got up off the couch. "I'm not talking about this with you guys. It feels weird!"
They all went quiet as Jess came back into the room with her purse.
"All right, guys." She opened the door. "I'm on my lonely way. Text me if you think of anything."
Nick did a little indecisive foot shuffle as the door started to close. Schmidt gave him a not-so-gentle shove, which helped. "Wait, Jess!" He scrambled for the door. "Damn it. Wait Jess!"
She was already at the elevator door and looked at him with surprise as he jogged up to her. She grinned at him. "Really?" She asked inordinately pleased.
He shrugged, trying for innocent, "I didn't want you to be lonely, is all."
"Awww." She went on tiptoe to give him a kiss as the elevator opened. "That's so sweet, Nick!" She put her arm through his as they got on. "Just for that, I'll buy you a treat at the store."
Nick stared blandly straight ahead and tried not to think of underwear. "Sounds good."
Jess stopped Nick as they walked into the store. "Okay, remember what I said?"
Nick stuck his hands in his pockets lifted his eyes to the ceiling with a sigh. "No whining or, um…"
"Diatribes," she supplied helpfully.
"Right. No diatribes on cookie cutter, soul-sucking, corporate America," he finished loudly, then winced as she girl-punched him in the shoulder. "Sorry."
"This'll be fun, Nick. You'll see." He just huffed and muttered, but she smiled as she looked at his feet. Even annoyed, they pointed right at her.
They hit the personal products first. Nick growled as Jess perused the wax products. "As soon as we get home I'm gonna tear up Schmidt's man-card." He nodded to himself as she dropped products into the cart. "It's long overdue."
"Don't complain about waxing, my friend." She held her leg up and out for him to feel. "You don't complain about these silken limbs, do ya?"
Jess laughed and bobbled a bit as Nick kept a hold of her leg. A brief tug of war ensued before Nick gave it back with an appreciative sigh.
"It's completely different and you know it." His eyes got bigger and he looked at her with a worried expression. "You...you don't want me to do that." he put a protective hand over his chest. "Do you?"
"No, Nick. I like your sternum bush." She smiled and ran a hand over his ever-present 5 o'clock shadow. "And your face fur."
"Alright then." The realization that he was willing to manscaped for her made him wheeze a little as he followed her out of the aisle. "I'm still taking his man-card."
"So is this where you buy all that string?" Nick asked as they rolled into the craft section.
Jess loaded up on pipe cleaners, glue, and pom-poms. There was a science project coming up. "Do you mean yarn?"
"Yeah." He started playing with the various kits. "Although God knows you have enough to weave every person in the city a sweater already."
She slapped his hand away before he could open a car kit. "They do not sell yarn here," she said primly. "There's a store I go to for that...and there's no such thing as too much yarn."
He shook his hand out where she'd slapped it and gaped at her. "There are stores that sell nothing but yarn!" he asked incredulously.
She rolled her eyes as she started away down the aisle. "Non-crafters," she muttered.
He got sidetracked by the beer section (I didn't know they had alcohol!), , but caught up to her in home and garden. He found her taking a picture of wind chimes with her phone.
"No, no, no, no." He stood in front of the display with his arms open wide. "No, Jessica. No wind chimes. They're worse than those chirpy birds when you're trying to sleep. They're the chirping birds that never go to sleep or die."
She tapped something on her phone that made a whooshing noise, then put it away. "I just took a picture for Winston. He was wondering what to get Daisy for her birthday and I thought…"
Nick took her by the shoulders and turned her around then herded her down the aisle. "No sane, sleep-loving person will ever thank you for wind chimes. Trust me on this."
"But I love wind chimes," she protested. "I once made this one out of seashells…"
"I said sane-love people, Jess"
They got stuck for a while in the sporting equipment aisle because Nick just had to vent about the pink hand weights.
"Some people like pink, Nick!" Jess yelled.
"That's not the point!" he yelled back. "This just assures that a guy won't pick it up. It'll make him buy his own set, so suddenly there are two sets in one house!" He crossed his arms and scowled. "It's a filthy marketing trick is what it is."
Jess chose a magenta 10lb weight and held it up. "So you're saying that if I owned this, you wouldn't use it because it's pink?"
"Damn straight. Hey!" He threw up his hands as she put it in the cart.
"Thanks for the tip," she said with a smile and a saucy wink. "Maybe now you guys will leave my weights alone and in my room."
"Yeah, well, you'll still have to worry about Schmidt, you know," he groused after her.
Jess was getting more sewing machine spools in the home goods section when Nick came up with a box in his hand.
"Jess, look at this." He held up a closet shoe organizer and snorted. "Who on earth owns more than three pairs of shoes that they'd need…," he trailed off as the look on her face and the remembrance of her closet. "Never mind."
She shook her head as he put it back, then noticed the product behind him. "Ooooh." She nearly pushed him out of the way and yanked it off the shelf. I've been looking for one of these!"
He peered over her shoulder. "What in God's name do you need that for?"
She clutched it to her chest like he was going to take it from her. "It's an ironing board cover, Nick. But this one has these little snappy thingies on the sides." she held it up to show him the picture on the box. "See? I can hang the starch and water bottle, and it has a built in cool spot for the…," she trailed off as he rolled his eyes and turned away. "I don't expect you to understand," she sniffed. "I'm not even sure you'd recognize an ironing board if you saw one."
"Are you kidding!" He turned back around. "Schmidt used to keep a full-sized ironing board in our tiny dorm room. He shoved it under the bed, but if he had it out you couldn't open the door." He pointed to himself righteously. "I couldn't open the door a lot, Jessica!"
He didn't appreciate her laughter at all.
They spent a lot of time in the toy section, where Nick freaked out when he turned on a toy and couldn't get it to stop, and where he chased her around, inspired by the Tickle Me Elmo dolls. They moved from there into electronics so Jessica could get a new flash drive.
Nick hunched his shoulders and nervously eyed the wall of high-tech TV's. "You know those things have a little camera or recording device," he whispered. "You take one of those puppies home and bam! They record everything you do or say. Even when they're off."
Jess put a flash drive shaped like a pig in the cart. "Then you better not talk smack about them." she advised calmly.
"Ha ha."
Nick was still looking over his shoulder as they rolled into men's wear. He finally tuned in when she tossed a pair boxers into the cart. "Why are you gettin' those?"
She blushed a little as she looked at him. "You didn't notice?"
"Notice what?" he asked, perplexed.
She leaned in so she could whisper. "I kind of tore your boxers the other night."
"You did?" He said with a laugh. All he could remember of that night was her. "I did not notice that."
"You were kind of busy." She pressed into him for a moment and gave him a lingering kiss before stepping back. "So anyway, I owe you a pair."
Nick watched her walk away for a second, just to enjoy the view, before he thought to ask, "Wait, how do you know my size?"
"Huh?" she asked, distracted as she found some leggings on sale. "Of course I know your size."
"We'll just see about that." He pulled the package out of the cart and stared at it for a second before putting it back. "So you do."
She stuck her tongue out at him. "Never doubt a seamstress," she said smugly.
Nick grew nervous as they neared the women's underwear section and wondered how to bring the topic up. "Hey, I know." He walked up to a bra display. "Let me try to do you."
She gave him a nudge and a wink worthy of a vaudeville act. "I believe you've already done me, good sir," she yucked.
He looked around, embarrassed. "Stop it! I'm just sayin' that maybe I can guess. Your size." He wrung his hands together nervously. "Underwear, I mean."
He could feel the sweat start to pool at the small of his back as Jessica narrowed her eyes at him.
"Isn't that a little dangerous?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, Cece once punched a boyfriend who brought her a size 8." She cut off as Nick closed one eye and framed her with his hands. "What are you doing?"
"I can break that bit of girl code. You're not an 8. Got it." He walked along the stacks and racks, holding things up in the air with her as a backdrop.
Jess dropped her face in her hands as Nick formed cups with his hands and fit them inside bra cups. "Nick! People are watching."
Nick looked up just as he had his hands cupped around a pretty black and pink number. Sure enough, an older couple had stopped in the aisle across the way and were staring at him with a frown. He jerked his hand away from the rack, but his watch caught on the lace and it flew off the shelf. "It's not for me," he tried to explain as the bra waved like a flag as he tried to get it off his watch. "It's hers." He nodded towards Jess and found her and the cart gone.
The couple shook their heads and moved along as Nick finally unhooked the bra. "Really. I have girlfriend," he yelled after them.
Jess returned a few minutes later and found Nick unsuccessfully hiding behind some robes. "That doesn't make you less creepy, if that's what you were going for."
"You can't leave me like that, Jessica!" he snarled as he fought his way out of the robes. "Especially not in the lady section."
She bit her lip to keep the laughter in as Nick rehung all the robes he'd knocked off. "I'm sorry, Nick. Winston texted me and gave me the go ahead on the wind chimes." She put up her hands at his look. "They're in a box and not currently chiming. After that, take it up with Winston."
"Fine. Here." He shoved a bra at her. "This one."
Her jaw dropped as she read the tag. "That's right! You do know my size."
"I have no idea what those numbers mean," he complained. He held his hands up and she crossed her arms protectively in front of her chest. "I just know you're about like this." He then air-hugged the space in front of him. "And like this."
"Awww." Ridiculously touched, she walked over to him to give him a hug and a kiss. "That's so sweet, Nick!" She looped her arms around his neck and gave him a smile. "Now what size am I in undies?"
"Let me see," he said, then she swatted his hands as they moved down to shape her rear.
"That's cheating," she informed him and pushed out of his arms.
He leered at her as he picked up a pair from a display, then looked at the label. "Size six/6," he read out loud. "How can a bra be in the 30's and this be in the single digits?" he asked, all disgruntled. He shot her a look. "You only had to guess one of mine."
"Fair point," she conceded. "We'll call it a draw," she said and walked back over to the bra display to put it back.
"Wait," Nick said weakly, squirming as Jess looked at him questioningly. "Um, don't you need anything?"
"Nah, I'm good," she answered, oblivious.
Nick finally found his gumption as she started to roll away. "Why don't you let me get you something." At her raised eyebrow, he pointed to the cart. "You're getting me something. Fair is fair."
Nick's nervous awkwardness finally clued her in. She grinned at him and tried a sexy pose against a mannequin. "Why Nick, are trying to buy me lingerie?" She laughed as his ears turned red and walked over to poke him in the belly. "It's 're totally allowed. You are my boyfriend after all." She sang the word boyfriend like they were in middle school.
Embarrassed beyond belief, he shoved his hands in his pockets and turned away. "Forget it," he muttered.
"No, no, wait!" She grabbed his arm. "I would love for you to get me something," she admitted and linked her arms around his waist. "And both of us get something out of it. I like those kinds of gifts."
"Really?' He asked as he put his arms around her.
"Really." She kissed him on the chin. "Did you want that black and pink one?"
"Uhh," he lost his train of thought as she snuggled in. "Actually, there was this blue thing…"
She let go of him and gave him a little shove. "Show me."
Winston and Schmidt were still in the living room when they returned. Jess looked a bit mussed, like she'd been thoroughly attacked in the elevator. Nick avoided all eye contact as he put the bags down on the floor.
"Heeeey, guys," Winston said with a smile. "Have a nice shopping trip?"
"Yes we did, Thanks for asking." Jess walked over and handed them each a bag. "Your wares, my good sirs."
Schmidt pulled out his wax and pumped his fist in the air. "Jackpot! This has the after-lotion and everything!"
Winston pointed to the one bag that Jess was still holding. "Whatcha got there, Jess?"
"Lady things," she replied cryptically. She looked back at Nick as he pulled his new boxers out of the bags. "Thanks for coming along, Nick," she said formally as she walked towards the hallway. "Um, in about five minutes can you come help me with that thing we talked about?"
"Riiight," he said slowly. "The thing. In your room." He gave her a blasé thumbs up. "No problem."
Schmidt and Winston looked at him, eyebrows raised, as Jess escaped into her room.
"What?" he asked, trying for innocent and failing miserably.
Schmidt put up his hands in a conciliatory gesture. "We won't ask,...okay, that's a lie. You know I'll pull it out of you later," he said with a smile. "On another note, did you happen to notice if they sold the pomade I use? Oh, come on!" He dug into his pocket as Nick shoved the Douche Jar in his face. "Fine. You ungroomed heathens."
Winston tapped his watch. "I believe your five minutes are up, my friend," and smiled as Nick raced to the hallway.