Chapter One: Kids on the Schoolyard

When Darcy Lewis took the internship with Jane Foster she had no earthly idea of what she was getting herself into. Had she, she wasn't sure she would've hopped on the plane to New Mexico. The moment she had signed up she hadn't thought that she would one day meet an actual Norse god, nor had she thought that she would end up working for Tony Stark. But there she was, sitting at the bar of Stark Tower with THE Tony Stark.

It was all surreal, working as Stark's PA. She hadn't been sure she had heard Jane right when she had called up about six months ago. She had actually accused her friend and ex-boss of playing a joke, but Jane had been patient with her and waited until she had finished laughing. She then proceeded to tell Darcy about how Thor had been singing her praises to Mr. Stark, subsequently causing him to offer her a job. Of course offer was really a relative word in that situation, because what actually happened was that twenty-four hours after she got off the phone with Jane, Darcy found herself confronted with Mr. Stark's ex PA and current CEO, Pepper Potts.

From that point on it was a whirlwind of activity. Darcy was told that she really couldn't say no, Ms. Potts ensuring her that all that would accomplish would be making sure that Stark himself came to fetch her. Something she said she wouldn't wish on anyone. Darcy's apartment was packed up, most of it put in storage as Ms. Potts told her that most of her requirements would be taken care of. All of her affairs were put in order, bills paid off; ass of a boss told where to shove it. And in just four days Darcy Lewis found herself on a plane headed for New York.

That was all six months ago, and Darcy still couldn't believe it. Mostly she couldn't believe that she was still working for Tony "Ass" Stark. It wasn't too bad in the beginning. He had been as cocky and self-centered as everyone had warned her about, but she had dealt with the ego of a fucking Norse God, she could handle one mortal man. Or so she thought. It only took a week for the novelty of everything to wear off. So what if he had given her an entire floor of the tower as her fucking apartment, so what that her closet was filled with clothes that cost more than her parents' house? So fucking what if she had been given her own driver and car, the latest in Stark phones, laptops, and any and all technology? All of it didn't matter when her boss was a self-serving, piggish, womanizing ass. So why the fuck did she still work for him, and why did she want nothing more than to jump him? Looking over at him she was beginning to think she might be crazy.

"JARVIS, please locate Mr. Stark." Darcy slipped on her glasses one handed while trying to balance seven three-ring folders in her other. She pushed the delicate rims up the bridge of her nose. They, like everything else she now owned, had been bought brand new by her boss.

She had never really been careful with her glasses before, normally taking them off and tossing them on her bedside table at night without care. These on the other hand cost about as much as a fucking house.

He had presented them to her about three months ago, before then he would constantly tease her about her old scratched lenses. When she opened the case containing them he had waved off her excitement as saying he was tired of seeing her in the old ones. She almost threw them back at him, mostly after she saw the four stones set along the rim. She didn't have to be a genius to know they were real.

"He is currently located at his Malibu residence, Ms. Lewis." JARVIS's voice rang out throughout Darcy's office. She wondered if she was just imagining the note of annoyance in the AI's voice, because he sounded just as exasperated as she felt.

"Of course he is. I seriously can't understand how Pepper has done this all these years without killing him." Setting down the folders on her already messy desk, Darcy removed the glasses she had just put on and pinched the bridge of her nose…hard.

"Ms. Potts regularly attended Yoga classes and indulged in a nightly glass of wine. There are several openings for Yoga classes throughout New York, if you would like me to enroll you in one."

Darcy couldn't help but giggle at the AI, for all the time he had spent listening to Tony, as well as her, he had yet to understand such concepts as rhetorical questions and sarcasm. Though sometimes she wondered if he didn't play dumb for his own strange amusement. She never could tell one way or the other when it came to Tony's inventions.

"I don't think twisting myself into a pretzel is going to keep me from killing Tony." Darcy ignored the growling of her stomach at the very mention of any kind of food. She needed to deal with Tony before anything else.

"Patch me through to Mr. Stark, would you JARVIS? Thanks." Darcy could feel a headache coming on, and all she wanted to do was go back to bed. Sadly with Tony's latest antics she doubted she would be getting any rest until the early hours of the morning.

"What up, Buttercup?!" It was easy to hear the note of laughter in Tony's voice, he knew he was pissing Darcy off and it only amused him. It always amused him.

"Me, at five fucking o-clock this morning. And you know why I was up at that ungodly hour?" Darcy had a rule, one that she would have made into a law if she ever had the chance: she did not get out of bed until at least seven in the morning. If the sun was not up then it was just unnatural to be awake.

"Oh I know this one, just give me a minute."

"I was up at the ass crack of dawn because I had to prepare for your appearance with the rest of the Avengers at a benefit for the one year anniversary of the New York Battle. I had everything ready, and guess what?" She had told him about the benefit months ago, Pepper had told him, Bruce had told him, hell he had even a reminder from fucking Director Fury. She knew he remembered; he was just being his typical pain in the ass.

"You realized how much the benefit was going to suck and decided to join your favorite, sexy boss at his house in Malibu?"

"No, I found said annoying, bastard of a boss gone. Tony, you can't miss this one. They are going to reveal a statue dedicated to the Avengers; everyone is expecting you there for pictures." Darcy plopped down in her chair, replacing the glasses on her nose. She knew he hadn't wanted to go; he had practically thrown a tantrum like a little child.

"I'll be there by satellite. That is the best I can offer. I'm working on…something important." Tony's voice hesitated a bit as though he really had to think about his answer.

"What can be more important than being honored by the city you saved and remembering those that died?" Turning on her computer, Darcy started setting up with the benefit coordinators the means for Tony's satellite conference. Because at that point Darcy knew that was the best she would get.

"Um, your birthday present?"

"You already gave me my present, try again." Darcy clicked away at her keyboard wishing that Pepper was there for guidance. Of course she was at the offices overseeing the special presentation that Stark Industries would be giving at the benefit; a presentation that Tony was supposed to head up. Pepper would not be pleased.

"You and I both know this benefit is not really about the survivors or casualties. The entire thing is simply to show the world that everything is fine, when it is not. It's a fucking smoke screen and you know it." Tony's voice had grown harsh, but Darcy couldn't blame him. She had been told that he had changed after the battle, where he was willing to sacrifice himself to save New York. At one time the benefit would have been something he would have taken over, turning it into the party of the year.

"Even so, you're supposed to be there. There are thousands of children and girls waiting there to see you, talk to you and get pictures taken." And by girls she actually meant hundreds and hundreds of women looking to catch the Great Tony Stark's eye and end up spending the night in his bed.

At least with him in Malibu she wouldn't have to worry about throwing some random woman out the next morning. Unlike Pepper, Darcy didn't send their clothing to be dry-cleaned or called a taxi. She barged into the room, turned on the lights before flinging off the blankets and telling the woman to remove herself before she got the Hulk to do it for her. Tony paid her to put up with his shit; he didn't pay her to put up with theirs.

"Set up a booth, get the contact info for each and I'll send them all a personalized Iron Man photo."

"Tony! Ugh!" There were times she really wanted to bang her head on her desk several times, but then there were times she wanted to bang Tony's head against her desk. One could guess which she wanted to do at the moment.

"Not enough? Fine, I'll also send them a hundred bucks each."

"UGH!" Knowing that if she remained talking to him any longer she might actually quit, Darcy clicked off from him and then proceeded to remove her glasses and smack her face onto her desk.

"Tony giving you a hard time about this evening?" Jane chuckled as she entered Darcy's office. When she had set up a job for her friend with Stark she never could have predicted how things would end up.

Oh, Jane knew they would end up getting on each other's nerves at some point. Darcy could be a little hyper, and had a mouth that would make a sailor blush. And Stark, well Stark annoyed everyone. So when the two started complaining about the other, doing little things to rile the other up, no one batted an eyelash. When that teasing became flirting that soon turned into unresolved sexual tension, everyone couldn't stop blinking.

It shouldn't be such a problem, they were both single, both friends…well sort of. The problem was that when two childish adults ended up in a situation like they were in, it was never handled well. No, instead of acknowledging their attraction they decided it would be a much better idea to annoy the hell out of each other, going so far as to pull pranks. Jane hated to be crude, but Clint was right, they needed to just fuck and get it over with.

"I wish he was just giving me a hard time, a hard time I could deal with. No, he has put me in an impossible position." Darcy looked up from where she still had her forehead pressed to her desk.

"Don't tell me he is refusing to go? Fury is going to blow a gasket." Jane moved slowly towards her friend, slightly afraid that she would explode.

"Oh, not only is he not going, he is in fucking Malibu! Now I'm left here to try and set up satellite feed so Tony can say thanks and sorry and go on his merry way, while I get yelled at by Fury and scolded by Pepper. I'm going to fucking kill him when he gets back." Darcy picked up her head and slammed it back down again, then once more for good measure.

"I'm sorry, what are you going to do?" Jane laid a hand on Darcy's shoulder, hoping to stop her from pounding her head in to the desk anymore.

"What I just said I'm going to do, nothing else I can. I really don't know why I still have this job really, because he never does anything I say." She lifted her head, but before she could slam it back down Jane placed a hand on her forehead and pushed her back in her seat.

"He listens to you, but you know how much trouble he's had since the battle. He pretends, but Pepper said that he has changed. Crowds bother him anymore. Maybe this is for the best; he always drinks himself into a stupor when he has to attend functions." Jane had witnessed one such instance. There had been a huge event held by his company, a fundraiser for the orphans of the New York battle. Jane had attended half the night before she had to leave to finish her research.

It had been around three in the morning when Jane had returned inside of the Tower to find Stark buck ass naked, and three sheets to the wind. Apparently he thought the common room was his room and had stripped to sleep. Not knowing what else to do she had woken up Bruce to deal with the naked man.

"Yeah, you are just worried he is going to start undressing again. I don't get you, the man is fine." It didn't really surprise her that Tony turned out to be a naked drunk, though it still took him awhile to get to that point. Thankfully she stopped with the drunken naked phase in college.

"Right, and on that note I'm off. I've got a few things to prepare for tonight." Jane waved at her young friend and left. No one knew if Thor would end up returning, they had no way to actually contact him. Jane, though she felt silly, had flown to New Mexico and yelled up at Heimdall the day and time. But Jane wanted to be ready just in case it worked and he showed up.

Darcy watched Jane leave before slamming her head back down.

"Tony Stark, I am going to make you pay for this."

Tony leaned back in the couch, his eyes closing as he chuckled at the conversation he just had with his PA. There was just something amusing about pissing her off, but then again she delighted in angering him as well.

He had known that Darcy was going to be livid when she realized he had left, but Tony could not deal with another one of those fucking events. Not that day. No, all he had really wanted to do was to laze about with a beautiful woman and a bottle of single malt. And by beautiful woman he realized he meant his PA: Darcy Lewis.

When he had offered to give a job to one of Thor's little friends, he had been expecting someone like Jane Foster: pretty, but mousy, and a huge science buff. He had not been expecting his new PA to walk into his office looking like sex on legs. And that was what Darcy was, all curves and pouty mouth. To make it even better the woman actually had something in her head besides visions of shoes and soap operas. She was smart, and though most people didn't know it, that was a fucking huge turn on for him.

Tony brought the tumbler in his hand to his lips, sighing at the burn of the fine scotch. His eyes opened as he pulled his phone from his pocket and pulled up a photo that he always kept on there. He sat up fully and raised his glass.

"Here's to you Agent." Tony threw back the rest of his drink and clicked his phone off before tossing it across the couch. He probably shouldn't have left New York, he knew he was only going to get shitfaced and it would be better to do so with someone there to make sure he didn't take off on a drunken flight.

Tony refilled the tumbler, resisting the urge to call Darcy again. She was probably beyond pissed at having to deal with his escape. He smiled, he was sure he would find a little surprise when he got back. Maybe he would just stay in Malibu for a few days, allow her to cool down.

Author's Note: Alright, so this took me a while to get out. Sadly it was more than just other fandoms hijacking my muse: I now have no net at home and my comp died so I'm writing on my mum's laptop when I can borrow it. So because of this updates will be far between, mainly just when I get the chance to make it out to the library or take advantage of my store's wifi.

Now in regards to this story; when I started out I wanted just a five chapter humor piece, instead I ended up with a three chaptered sexy, humorous piece with a good sprinkling of drama/angst. Really it is just a glorified oneshot split into three parts.

I do have a longer and more complicated Darcy/Tony in the works, one I'm hoping will be around 30 or more chapters, but I will most likely not get it started until mid to late summer if not fall. This was mostly just so I could work on writing Tony and Darcy together more than I already had in my oneshots. I think I've finally figured out how to write them together, how to balance the humor and the angst between them, so hopefully everyone enjoyed it.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.