Author's Notes: ...yeah, I'm sorry about this one. I have no excuse, other than that it seemed funny.
"Excuse me, but I would appreciate it if you returned my friend's lunch to him."
The first-year student swiveled around and almost squealed at the sight of Issei glaring daggers at her. "Ryudo? Of course I will, since you asked nicely!" she replied, carelessly dropping the lunch next to Shirou. "What brings you here to the cafeteria? You never visit…"
Issei ignored her, instead walking over next to Shirou's seat and resting a hand on his shoulder. "Emiya, would you prefer to eat lunch in the student council room with me? Your lunch would be safe there."
"Is that allowed?" Shirou asked with wide eyes. "I mean, I'd like to, but-"
"Then it's agreed!" Issei interrupted cheerfully. "Please come along; I really would prefer that the women here spent as little time giving you the evil eye as possible…" And with that, he guided his friend out of the cafeteria.
"…did you see that? They're definitely together."
"What? No way! Ryudo could never like a dweeb like that!"
"But he's so touchy-feely…"
"Shut up! Ryudo would've picked me before someone like Emiya!"
"He probably doesn't even like girls."
"Of course he does! He-"
"Would you both shut up and eat?!"
"Emiya," Issei said gravely, "I am going out to learn the lay of the land."
Shirou paused before his eyes widened in shock. "You can't mean-?"
Issei nodded. "I will be spending most of lunch in the cafeteria. I shall return here and report my findings-"
"Don't do it! Who knows what they'll do to you in there?" Shirou asked pleadingly.
Rising from his chair, Issei only replied, "It is my responsibility as student council president," before heading out the door.
Shirou stared after him. "…you're a braver man than I am, Issei."
Twenty minutes later, Issei returned to the student council room. His glasses were askew, his clothing disheveled, and his hair tousled; he looked like someone who had either been through a storm or come into contact with a large group of teenage girls.
"…I told you not to do it," Shirou said again. "They didn't hurt you, did they? Or steal your lunch?"
"I'm fine," Issei assured him, readjusting his glasses. "Although the statistics have gotten worse than last year. Ninety percent of our school's female members are devoted followers of Matou. Forty-five percent want them all to themselves, and ten percent think I should kiss him."
"That's really not that bad-"
"Another thirty-three percent think that I should have or am having sexual congress with him," Issei continued.
Shirou paled. "Never mind."
Issei sighed and settled into a chair. "The remaining two percent of Matou's fanclub is divided between pairing him with you, Tohsaka, Mitsuzuri, or someone else. A little less than one percent of the female student body think I should become involved with you, and I didn't pay much attention to the rest of their opinions because the ten percent were telling them to be quiet and let them eat." He took in a deep breath. "I'm glad I only do this twice a year."
"You know you don't have to do this," Shirou reminded him. "Last time you couldn't stomach anything for days because of-"
"Don't remind me," Issei hissed before calming. "And be cornered by a fan of mine later and not know to make my escape? No, I'll suffer through it now in order to identify the dangerous students and avoid them. It's a price I have to pay."
Identify the dangerous students and avoid them, Issei reminded himself as he strode through the hallway. Not identify them and seek them out! …Well, this was an exception because he was helping Emiya.
"Err, excuse me," he called out, nervously. "Tarumi, wasn't it?"
The second-year turned and smiled brightly at him. "Yes? Can I do anything for you, Ryudo? You don't talk to anyone very often, so this is a surprise…"
"There's a reason for that," he mumbled before continuing. "I know you have considerable influence among the student body, and… I would like to ask you a favor."
Tarumi positively beamed at him. "I'll do my best!"
"I need Emiya to be able to eat in the cafeteria for about a week without being harassed. It's a long story, but could you see to it that he's safe?" Issei asked.
She considered this for a few moments. "Hmm… Emiya really isn't popular, so I don't know if I could…" And then came the devious smile that he'd heard so much about. "Maybe if you did a little favor for me?"
"…like what?" he asked, warily.
She told him.
He swallowed and began to visibly sweat. "I don't know if I… well, if it's for Emiya… right now?"
"Of course not!" Tarumi told him cheerily. "In ten minutes."
"I'm going to regret this, but… you have a deal."
Ten minutes later, Issei, Tarumi, and what looked to be half the female students in the school - no, forty-three percent, he corrected himself - gathered in one of the hallways.
"How did you even manage to get this many people together in ten minutes?" Issei asked.
"Well, half of them were around Matou already," Tarumi pointed out, gesturing to the flock of girls cooing over Shinji. "And then the rest of them came once the rumor spread."
"The rumor that I am an idiot who should know better than to ask for favors, you mean," Issei said with a sigh. "Well, there's no way I can back out now. Please clear a path."
The girls surrounding Shinji dutifully got out of the way, and Shinji looked up, apparently just noticing Issei. "Ryudo, what-"
Amidst a throng of squealing schoolgirls, Issei kissed him.
It only lasted a few seconds before Issei pulled away and turned to Tarumi. "Four seconds, as was agreed. I trust you will uphold your end of the bargain?"
"Of course!" she answered.
"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me…" He left, grumbling about how he was going to forget that that ever happened.
"That was so amazing~! And I told you that Ryudo would top!"
"You just said that because he was taller."
"So?"
"Manga clichés don't apply in real life, idiot!"
"Yes they do!"
"…Does anyone else think it's weird that Matou-senpai hasn't moved at all? Isn't that a sign of mental trauma or something?"
"No, I think that's normal."