Veronica looked up from consulting her phone. She couldn't have heard that right, could she? The couple in the booth next to hers had to be working on a script or something- no one would actually say something like that seriously.
"Uh. Right," the woman sitting with him said, biting her lip nervously. Given what Veronica had overheard her date say, she had a right to be nervous.
"You like cooking? I'm like a wicked good chef, me and my buddies totally cook with each other all the time, it's totally cool. One of them is, like, a world-class chef and he says I'm basically as good as he is. I'm, like, a natural or something," the guy continued. Veronica wasn't even sure he'd noticed his date responding.
The next ten minutes was filled with painful conversation- all on the guys end- which was impossible to ignore. Veronica had been climbing the walls of the apartment trying to study for her upcoming calculus test, unable to concentrate, and had come to Pop's hoping the change of scenery would help. But she was has having an even harder time than ever with the endless stream of garbage coming out of the guy in the next booth. It was obvious that he and the woman sitting with him were on their first date, Veronica had vaguely heard them greet each other when they'd sat down. What was even more obvious was the fact that things were not going well and that the guy was totally oblivious to it.
"I've been told a lot that I kind of look like Channing Tatum," the guy said confidently, with a little laugh meant to show he was totally unsure about that but wanted you to agree with him. Veronica could only see the back of his head, but she already knew this guy was nowhere near Channing Tatum levels of attractive. Even if he was a doppelganger of Channing Tatum, his odious personality would more than ruin things.
"So, you work for a law firm?" The woman asked hesitantly, playing with the straw in her milkshake. From over the back of the booth and the guy's shoulder Veronica could see the look of desperation on her face, like she wanted to leave immediately but couldn't find a way out without dragging things out. If it had been Veronica, she would have just told the guy to take a hike and not to let his overinflated ego get caught in the door on his way out, but she knew this wasn't an approach many girls felt comfortable with. If there was one thing Veronica was grateful for inheriting from her mother, it was her inability to abide bullshit.
"No, I mean it wasn't really working out, you know? I could totally tell those guys didn't know what they were doing, they were just going to waste my time," the guy said flippantly.
So you were fired , Veronica thought, rolling her eyes and giving up any pretences of trying to do calculus. This was vastly more entertaining.
"Brad said you work at a nursing home, right?" the guy asked. Veronica's eyebrows shot up. Was this guy about to talk about something that wasn't him or his own interests or opinions?
"Yeah, Willow Grove. I love working there," the woman said, sounding almost as shocked as Veronica felt.
"Wow. That's just so great," the guy said, shocking Veronica and his date even further. "I mean, so many girls don't embrace their nurturing side, you know? So the fact that you just, like, own it's awesome. Women are really meant for those sorts of jobs, it's just evolution, you know. But so many people are just caught up in this politically correct shit and don't want to be honest."
Veronica's head whipped up hard enough she might have actually given herself whiplash.
Did that motherfucker really just... ?
In the next booth, the woman was staring wide-eyed at her date, completely at a loss for words. In the booth on the opposite side of the terrible date, a cute blonde girl was staring with undisguised horror at the manchild still talking about gender roles and womanly nature. Her eyes met Veronica's and she mouthed oh my god .
Can you believe this? Veronica mouthed back, gesturing silently at the guy who was still talking . His date didn't seem to notice Veronica or the blonde girl silently communicating over them, the woman's eyes going slightly glazed, with either horror or boredom.
The astonishing thing was at no point did the guy stop and shout surprise! You've been Punk'd which would have been less surprising than the fact that everything he was saying and doing were things that he believed were acceptable and appropriate first date behaviour.
At one point he honest to god shushed his date while she was trying to explain her frustrations over her not being taken seriously as a health care provider, with middle aged men often refusing to believe her unless her (male) supervisor confirmed it.
The blonde girl two booths over had to physically stop herself from leaping to her feet to defend the poor woman on the date. It was at that point that Veronica decided she wanted the blonde girl as her new best friend. Veronica had only moved to Riverdale recently, and hadn't met anyone yet that had felt like best friend material at school yet. But if this girl had to stop herself from shouting at a douchebag easily ten years older than her, then Veronica was calling dibs. That was a girl she wanted on her side.
Eventually, the poor woman got up to go to the bathroom, clutching at her purse like a lifeline and all but running for the women's washroom for refuge. The man got up a second later, heading outside, a pack of cigarettes dangling from one hand.
Veronica took the opportunity to motion the blonde girl over. She looked startled and pointed at herself, tilting her head quizzically. It was completely adorable.
Veronica nodded and gestured impatiently. To her delight, the blonde girl gathered up her food and belongings and came over to Veronica's table, sliding in across from her.
"I don't know you, but I had to make sure that I wasn't the only one seeing what I just saw," Veronica said, motioning to the currently empty table. The guy had barely touched his burger or fries, too busy talking/lecturing his date. Not only rude, but a total waste of awesome food, in Veronica's mind.
"You mean aside from the worst date ever?" The blonde girl asked, twisting around and eyeing the table with a look of sympathetic disgust. "I keep hoping one of them reveals its part of a sociology experiment or something. I can't believe that guy is for real."
"I know, right?" Veronica said emphatically. "That woman is way too good to be on a date with that guy."
She shook her head. Women accepting dates from lesser men was one of the world's greatest everyday tragedies.
"I think I heard the woman mention a friend setting them up," the blonde said, her pursed lips speaking a thousand words on what she thought of that .
"With friends like that, who needs enemies?" Veronica asked darkly, and then realized she'd been horribly rude and hadn't even introduced herself. "I'm Veronica Lodge, by the way."
"Betty Cooper," the blonde girl replied and offered Veronica her hand. She had a firm handshake, which would have made Veronica instantly inclined to like her, if she hadn't been charmed already. "You're new in Riverdale, aren't you?"
"How did you know?" Veronica asked, surprised. Riverdale was much, much smaller than New York, but it was big enough to have more than one high school, so it wasn't exactly the sort of place where everyone knew everyone, even if it gave off that sort of vibe.
"I recognized your last name, my mother mentioned your family moved back here," Betty said, a strange twist to her lips as she said it.
"She probably wasn't saying anything terribly nice about us, was she?" Veronica asked knowingly, and sighed. That was what she missed the most about New York- it was so much easier to be a nobody there, when you wanted to be. Which wasn't often for Veronica, she liked eyes being on her and people talking about her- she was sure enough in herself to not care altogether too much about what they were saying. But the number of judgemental looks she had already gotten in Riverdale whenever she mentioned her last name was trying.
"My mother isn't known for being terribly nice ," Betty replied easily, her expression smoothing out into something softer. Her eyes flicked downward for a moment, before she looked up at Veronica from under her long eyelashes. "But the things that she doesn't like are usually the best things."
And it was at that point that Veronica didn't just want Betty as her new best friend, she wanted her as a girlfriend.
It was also at that moment when both participants of Riverdale's worst first date both reappeared at their booth- the guy stinking of cigarette smoke, the girl with freshly applied lipstick and a resigned expression. She looked like she knew she was marching to her death, but could see no escape.
"We can't just let her suffer like this," Betty said quietly, low enough that the objects of their observation wouldn't hear her.
"You're right," Veronica said, standing and smoothing her skirt down. Normally she was all for letting women handle their own problems, especially when they were older than she was, but she just couldn't let this go on. It was for her own sanity, at the very least. She didn't think she could take another second of listening this guy's drivel.
"Did you hear the woman's name? I didn't catch it," Veronica asked Betty, considering her options.
"Anne," Betty said, looking up at Veronica with a startled expression, like she hadn't expected Veronica to actually get up and do something. It just wasn't in Veronica's nature to let another girl suffer- they had to stick together after all.
As soon as both of the pair were seated, Veronica rushed up to the table, adopting a worried expression. The guy hadn't noticed her at the table behind them, which was something she was counting on.
"Anne? Oh my god, I've been looking for you everywhere!" Veronica said in a rush, running a hand through her hair and trying to look frazzled. Normally, she'd just drag the guy to hell and back for being a shitty excuse for a human being, but the woman looked so exhausted and obviously needed an escape route immediately, which wouldn't happen if Veronica was busy ripping the guy to pieces. So she'd let him go, this time.
"Uh, is everything alright?" Anne asked. Her eyes darted to where Betty was still sitting and then back to Veronica again. Clearly she'd seen Veronica and Betty listening in.
"Your mom sent me out to find you, along with a whole bunch of other people. I don't know what happened- something with your grandma? And she said you weren't answering your phone, but she needed you to call her right away," Veronica continued, mentally willing her to go along with it.
Anne stared at her in befuddlement for a long second before adopting a worried expression. "Oh, no. Really?" she said, pressing a hand over her mouth. She pulled her phone out and pretended to check her phone for missed calls. "I must have turned the vibrate and sound off somehow- I better go call her. Gary, sorry about this, but I need to go deal with this."
"Do you want me to wait here for you?" Gary asked, eyebrows knit together in confusion. He really, truly had no idea what was happening, Veronica realized with a sort of horrified glee. How oblivious could a guy really be?
Anne shook her head, already pulling her coat on and gathering up her purse and scarf. "No, I'm not sure how long this will take, it sounds serious. Maybe we can meet next week or something. I'll text you."
Before the guy could get a word in edgewise, the woman was gone, the bell on the door to Pop's jingling merrily.
Veronica walked back to where Betty was waiting and sat down, not really caring that the guy was eyeing her in confusion. If he put things together, it didn't really matter- Anne had gotten her way out, and if she had any sense she wouldn't see Gary ever again. Veronica's work was done.
"That was really nice of you," Betty said, looking adorably sweet and surprised all at once. Veronica really needed to find out what Riverdale was putting in its water to produce someone like Betty- she all but emanated wholesome goodness and sweetness. You didn't find girls like that in New York very often.
"It was almost a civic duty," Veronica said and picked up her abandoned milkshake. It had all but melted completely, which was a shame, but a small enough sacrifice for a little peace and quiet. "First dates that terrible can't be allowed to go on."
"I've certainly been on worse," Betty said and sighed. "I'm not sure I'd be able to tell the difference."
"That is an absolute travesty," Veronica said firmly. It was a sad day when someone as cute and kind as Betty Cooper had a history of terrible first dates.
"Well I'd be open to finding out how much better they could be," Betty said with a little amused smile, looking a little embarrassed.
"Betty Cooper," Veronica said, delighted. "Are you asking me on a date?"
Betty turned bright red. "Um. Maybe? I don't mean to assume anything, but... That would be nice?"
"I accept," Veronica said and then pursed her lips consideringly. "Counting this as a date would be a waste of a first date, and we both could do so much better. How do you feel about the movies followed by mani-pedis? Maybe on Friday?"
Betty smiled, still a little red, but looking completely thrilled. "That sounds like the best first date I've ever been on."
"Oh you just wait," Veronica said, feeling anticipation thrilling in her chest. "It will be."
Note: Entirely inspired by Anne Theriault's livetweets of one of the worst first dates I can imagine, and by a guy who I went to university with, who is either an actor living in his role 24/7 as the world's most oblivious douchebag or an actual human being who actually exists. Polls are still out on that one.
Title from Bring Me To Life by Evanescence because the idea was too hilarious to pass up and I'm a total dork. Besides, being stuck in a date like this one certainly inspires Amy Lee-levels of desperation.