Your Springtime of Youth

Summary: "The next time you cry, it'll be tears of happiness!" [One-sided Elricest

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist (c) Hiromu Arakawa

Rate: PG

Warnings: WinEd, angst, One-sided Elricest. Mentioning of shota!Elricest.

Author's comments: Merry Christmas, Ophilia!!

You: THERE'S NOTHING MERRY ABOUT THIS!!!

Ack! You're right! It's teh angst! doooom

Uh, no.

I'm sorry for being an angst whore ;; But like... I remembered that a very long time ago she sort-of requested an angst fic so…yeah, here you go. (bad excuse, Elisa, bad excuse . )I'll try to write something fluffier, okay? …that is, if you want to oo'

This fic is based on the manga so there's little WinEd spoilers for chapter 48, but don't worry, it's not relevant to the plot in any shape or form (-.-).

"The next time I make you cry, it'll be tears of happiness!" You roared, pointing a seemingly accusing finger at her. "I'll make you cry with joy once me and Al get our bodies back; remember that!"

You didn't acknowledge her smile and her waving hand, you simply rotated your body in a sharp turn, muttered a "let's go" and didn't look back.

Judging by how deeply you stuffed your hands into your pocket and the way you walked and that small frown crinkling your brow let me know that you were feeling a bit flustered. Any comment on that super sappy line you just shouted out for all the world to hear will send you in a flurry of protests and denial.

I really couldn't help it.

"Ohhh, it's the springtime of youth" I chortled.

"SHUT UP!"

With that you gave me a strong kick that required your entire body to thrust sideways and land a kick that I couldn't feel. Natural reaction, right? Your brother just teased you so of course you get embarrassed and you tell them to shut up.

Your loving little brother.

…But I've been thinking, Brother. Thinking hard and it seems that of what I'm a little paranoid about is true. I've been thinking that maybe your springtime of youth is really there for you.

The signs aren't really that obvious, since you're used to having her around you all the time, you don't blush like normal guys do when they're with a pretty girl. You don't stutter, you don't walk funny, you don't try to impress her. She knows you up and down, Brother. To the point where she knows exactly how your toned skin looks when it is uncovered. To the point where she knows your favourite foods. To the point where she knows most of your habits, your hobbies, your arm and leg…seemingly everything.

What about me then? Don't you know? Don't you remember? I'm the one who knows without limit to the things you like and don't like. I'm the one who saw beyond the blue-striped boxers and literally into your own flesh and soul. I'm the one who knows your habits now, what you do everyday and at what hour, what body language is required for you to express your feelings. I even know the feelings themselves. And though it sounds like a gift to actually be able to predict the feelings of the Fullmetal Alchemist himself, it's not that much of a gift anymore now.

I don't like it. I wish I didn't know. But then, if I didn't learn it, realize it, what would I have done once we returned to normal? Try to do the same things as we've done before, only more intimately? I know you, you'd give in to my wants. You'd give me what I want. You'd throw away everything for me just to make me happy. You'd even throw away your personal pleasures. The fact that I've come to realize your truth saves you but it kills me, Brother.

You're in love.

You don't like saying goodbye, and that last line you shouted to Winry as she rumbled away was the equivalent to one. You prefer replacing blunt statements with sentences that have a different meaning to what you mean to say. So instead of, "goodbye, I love you," you said, "I'll make you happy."

You're really clever, Brother and I've already known for a long time now. You did the same thing when we were small. Never saying exactly what you wanted and gave answers to a slightly different question than the one imposed. So I know what you were really saying when you shouted your declaration to her. You didn't want her to go but she had to be safe and lead a normal life; something that neither you nor I can have at the moment. I can tell I'm being a burden. Searching for a Philosopher's Stone doesn't let you have personal relationships with others. That wasn't a problem before, was it? You loved me once. A long time ago, when we were kids. But I guess that's over now. I don't really understand it but your body's hormones are playing its duty against my willing and it's telling your brain to grow in a certain way in order to be able to reproduce and continue the cycle of life.

That's the way it is, it's the essence of evolution. To evolve, a species must continue its line of generations; one must be able to reproduce. To be able to reproduce, you must have the requirements in order to attract the opposite sex in order to do so. I guess, then, if you're gay before hitting puberty there's a chance of a reversal as soon as the hormones tell your brain that being gay doesn't reproduce and hence going against your very reason for existing. It sort of makes sense.

But then, what is love? Just an emotion to convince your heart to give in, an emotion to share with another in order to continue that cycle of life? Then what was my love to you, then? I don't necessarily want to reproduce with you, that's impossible. But…I'm just a hollow suit of armor, I don't have hormones that will automatically switch my thinking. If love is controlled by hormones, something that we as kids aren't active yet, then what was it that I felt towards you, what you felt towards me, when I still had my body? What I have now? Just brotherly love? Then explain to me, explain why we spent so many nap times curled up in each other's arms. Why we shared good night kisses and the bed itself after Mom had gone to bed. Why we said, "I love you" in giggling whispers and multitudes of blushing as we played lovers' acts. Why I still look at you as adoringly as my red eyes can; why I stay up nights watching you and dreaming of the things I could be doing if I had a real body. You mean to say that this wasn't and isn't love? Do you even remember how much you loved me?

Do you?

I guess you don't. You now think only for her safety, only for her warm smiles, only for the stricken eyes that cried because she couldn't bring back what she wanted back the most. What about me then? Don't you remember? I wanted you. I wanted you and only you. I wanted you to hold me and whisper sweet kid's stuff down my ear until I fell asleep in your embrace. I wanted you to take care of me, cherish me and love me for who and what I was.

But now I'm not what I was; your little someone that you loved with what amount your little heart let you loved me with. I'm not Winry, I'm not a girl. You can't love me, your body won't let you. If that's the case then my body is most likely to make me reject all those feelings I've had of you too. Throw it away, it doesn't do any good for humanity. Continue the cycle of life, never mind about love! Love is just an emotion, a cover-up to force you into that flow.

That same emotion that took you away from me.

So then, why would I want to go back to a body that won't love you anymore? To not love you is to not live at all. I don't know what to do. If I…If I leave now and I no longer exist, you'll be free of me. You can go back to Resembool, live normally and get married and have kids…things that I can never give you.

I don't think you'll be too sad. After all, the one you love is her, not me. It's okay, Brother, it wouldn't be your fault. It's bound to happen anyway. But just to let you know, Brother, I really meant it when I told you that I was gonna love you forever. But that 'forever' only goes as far as the end of a life's time span, that being when I return to my body and my love, my life, comes to an end.

Just so you know, Brother, if when that moment that I'll leave this armor comes and I fail to go back to my original body, don't blame yourself and don't apologize to me. I think I'll be better like that. I'd rather die in love than to live without love. I'd rather be mentally young and clueless. I'd rather be hopelessly in love with you without an obstruction.

I'd rather be your Alphonse…without my springtime of youth.