AN: This is AkuRoku, just to warn you once again. And it's a little dark, I guess? Hopefully it's not too abstract to tell. o Note to self – do not listen to Vertical Horizon when you get the urge to write. It does not come out happy. Dx
Step.
One step.
Roxas was giggling, Axel was laughing – Vexen was covered in flour. A childish prank, but they were in hysterics. 'Childish' didn't matter when they were pretending anyway. Pretending they had hearts. It couldn't… couldn't have been pretending. It felt so real. So real… Axel was in love. Roxas's giggle made his stomach twist and jerk. The blonde's blushes made his heart smash into his ribcage over and over again.
Another step.
Voices had disappeared. There was only the sound of breath. Only the feeling of tension as thick as walls – as thick as a wall between them. His heart… His heart wasn't there to break, was it?
Another step.
A moan, a single 'please…' he would not admit came from his lips. He needed this. He needed this more than he'd ever needed anything before. He needed Roxas to pretend he loved him. He needed that tension gone. He'd only begged before in sex; and it had never meant anything before now. But here he was moaning in a bed with no one to share it with.
Another step.
An experiment. A practise. And Axel needed for this to go right. He needed this to go right so that they could keep… Experimenting… His heart wasn't there to freeze over. Must have been Vexen. Must have been revenge. Must have… Must have been his heart, freezing over.
Another step.
Lips met, brushed against each other. This would be his only chance. His eyes were tightly closed. He wanted to see Roxas's beautiful face, but… Nobodies did not cry. Not when there was no pain to feel. It was hungry and needing and grasping and Axel knew that he was being too pushy. He was too close, too fast, too soon. He couldn't stop himself. This would be his only chance. He knew it. And he was going to make damn sure that he made the most of it. And when they parted, he was crying. But… Nobodies didn't cry… And Nobodies shouldn't feel pity. Bastard.
Another step.
Another experiment. Another, another. And there were fumbles in the dark and fumbles in the light (Roxas preferred it, after all, and who was Axel to deny him anything?) and fumbles whenever he could. Playful gropes and soon it made Roxas smile, like he… Like Axel meant something to him.
Another step.
It was all pretend. Pretending to love, because they missed that feeling. Axel knew that if no one had told him, he'd have thought he really was in love. But Roxas had said that there wasn't any love there, simply because Nobodies couldn't feel it. So he believed him. Why shouldn't he? He'd do anything for him… He just wondered that, if that wasn't love, what was it? And if Nobodies didn't cry… Couldn't cry… Why did he?
Another step.
It all meant everything to him. It all meant nothing to the one that meant everything to him. Axel was choking.
Another step.
I would…
You know I would… I… Did I not tell you enough times? Is it my fault?
No more steps to take.
He was choking.
He had no more control, he was choking, he had nothing…
No more steps to take. Just stand there, watching. The world seems so small right now.
I would…
You really don't remember… It's me? You know, Axel?
Look at what it's come to. I've been given all these icky orders to destroy you – if you refuse to come back with me.
He wouldn't refuse. Couldn't refuse. Axel would not be able to destroy him. No, no! Just force yourself not to feel! You CAN'T feel! You have no heart!
No more steps to take. Swaying slightly.
He's choking. He crying. He's feeling. He's loving.
Drop.