She was only twelve years old when she made her first kill. She was barely a genin, only having her headband for a week.
Still a child.
Still so young…
A man attacked her while she was out in the forest training by herself. In hindsight, going out alone may not have been the best idea. He caught her off guard, wildly swinging his weapon. Hana fought back as best she could, trying to fend off her attacker long enough for help to arrive. She was still just a novice, but she was fighting for her life. She was fighting to survive.
When help finally arrived, the battle had already ended and the man was dead. Hana was on her knees, staring blankly and wide-eyed at the man's corpse. Her clothes were stained crimson with blood. Who it belonged to, however, remained unknown. When they tried to question her about what happened, Hana couldn't answer. After she had been attacked, her mind had become a blur.
The older ninja carried the girl back to the hideout. There were cuts and abrasions littering her small frame and she needed to see a medic as soon as possible. There may have been internal injuries that needed tending to. When the medic looked her over, they determined that she had no internal damage. However, she had suffered a sprained ankle during the fray. She would be off her feet for a few days.
The girl spent hours alone in her room, lying on her bed with her ankle supported and her eyes staring up at the ceiling. She let her mind wander but she couldn't stop thinking about the man that had attacked her. He didn't seem to be much older than she was. Maybe about sixteen at the very least.
Did he have a family?
Was he an orphan?
What village was he from?
Was he a rogue?
These thoughts invaded her mind, no matter how hard she tried to push them out. One, however, stood out from the rest.
'You killed him.'
She had killed him. She had taken the life of another human being and her hands were now stained with blood.
She felt remorse for what she had done. Yes, the man had attacked her but she didn't mean to kill him. It just…happened.
She felt tears welling up in the corners of her eyes.
"What have I done…?
Orochimaru went to see Hana after he had been informed of the events that had taken place earlier in the day. He knew about the man, and that he had met his end at the young girl's hands. However, upon seeing the distressed look on her face, he knew that her actions had taken quite a toll on her mind. It had been her first kill; there was no doubt that it had affected her in such a way.
He sat beside her on the bed, and, carefully, Hana moved to the edge of the bed and sat beside him. He placed a hand gently on her shoulder. It was a soft touch, a gentle and comforting touch. It put her mind at ease for a moment. For a while, she remained silent.
Orochimaru soon broke the silence.
"This has taken quite a toll on you, has it not?" he questioned.
Silently, Hana nodded.
"I understand. The first kill is never easy to deal with afterward." he stated.
The first kill? Would she have to kill again?
No…no, no, no, no, no! She didn't want to do that again. She could stomach the thought of killing again.
Her tiny shoulders began to tremble as a cold chill washed over her.
"I didn't…I didn't mean to do it. It just ha-happened." she stuttered.
Orochimaru sighed.
"I understand, dear. The first is often in self-defense. You don't intend to kill, but your attacker ends up dead. It all happens in an instant." he said, quietly.
He understood her plight, more than she would ever know. A similar incident occurred when he was a child, although he had been much younger than Hana when he made his first kill.
It had also been a time of war when it had happened. Enemy ninja had no qualms about attacking those who they deemed defenseless, even children. Especially children. No one ever expected a child to fight back and kill their attacker.
"I had hoped that you wouldn't have to experience something like this so soon after becoming a genin. You weren't ready for this. Not yet." he said.
Hana glanced up and she took note of the grim expression on his face; brows furrowed, eyes narrowed and lips pressed together in a thin line. He was upset, clearly. But remorseful as well? Hana couldn't tell.
He was right though. She most certainly was not ready for this. For God's sake, she was just a kid! She had just been promoted to genin a week ago! Hana had expected something like this to happen after she had become a chunin, at least. Why was all of this happening now? Why did it happen to her?
Tears began to sting the corners of Hana's eyes as the gravity of the situation finally hit her. Her lip began to tremble as the tears flowed down her cheeks. She brought her hands up to her face and she buried her face in them. Her small body trembled with each sob that escaped her lips. This was all happening so fast, and she didn't know what to do.
The expression on Orochimaru's face softened as he watched the girl break down. Poor thing; this was too much for her to process right now. Her young mind was being tormented relentlessly, and she wasn't handling it well. She was an absolute wreck. Once everything had gone back to normal, she wouldn't be the same. She would change, but only time would tell whether it would be for better or worse.
Orochimaru draped an arm across the girl's shoulders and he drew her close to his side. He held her there as she cried. This was all that he could do; stay with her and make sure that she would be alright. What else could he do?
"I know that it's difficult to process right now, but you must understand that this is a part of being a shinobi. People will die, and they may die by your hand. There will be times when your life will be at risk and you won't be able to run away. You will have to fight back, and your opponent may die. You must learn to harden your heart against death. Do you understand?" he questioned.
Hana nodded silently as another sob caused her body to shake. She raised a hand to rub at her eyes, which were now red and stinging.
"Yeah, I u-understand…" she muttered.
A small smile formed on Orochimaru's lips. Hana was a smart child, and she knew exactly what she was getting herself into. After all, she had made the conscious decision to live the life of a shinobi; there was no going back now.
"Good. I'm glad we understand each other." he said.
Silence fell over them once more. Hana sobbing had stopped and there was the occasional sniffle whenever she rubbed her nose. While the crying had stopped, she was still quite shaken by the whole incident and she knew that she would be for a while. Orochimaru knew this as well. She would need some time to recuperate, both mentally and physically. She still had a sprained ankle to take care of and she would be out of commission for at least a week; she must have hated that.
She may have hated it, but that's how it had to be. She couldn't go walking around on a sprained ankle; that would make it worse than it already was.
Orochimaru's hand moved from Hana's shoulders to the top of her head. He gave her a gentle pat on the head before standing up.
"Now then, I must return to my work. I want you to rest and keep that foot propped up. Don't walk around unless you're using crutches. Understood?" he demanded.
Hana sighed and gave a half-hearted salute.
"Yeah, yeah, I got it." she replied.
Orochimaru smirked and shook his head. Even after all she had been through that day, she somehow managed to hang on to that attitude of hers. It was certainly fascinating.
As Orochimaru was about to leave, he stopped at the door. He kept his back to Hana, not turning around to face her.
"Hana." he began.
Hana turned her head towards him, but Orochimaru didn't know.
"You did very well today." he continued.
That was the last thing he said before walking out the door.
His words left Hana a bit confused. Was he upset with her? Was he happy that she was alright? She couldn't tell.
She lay back down on her bed and went back to staring up at the ceiling, something that she would be doing quite a lot of for the next few days. Her mind was still a jumbled mess of thoughts, but she understood that it would be like that for a while.
It was just as Orochimaru had told her; things like this would happen and she needed to learn how to harden her heart. It certainly wouldn't be an easy task to accomplish and Hana wasn't sure if she would be able to. But she had to try.
After all, death was a part of life. It didn't matter if you were a shinobi or a civilian. She may have to kill again one day.
This had only been the first. But would she be able to handle the next?