Your New Kid Is A Mary Sue
by Ben Barrett
Stan was glad he didn't have to have sex with Kyle anymore. For years, they were required to perform like trained sexual monkeys, doing everything from bondage to fun with paint. He had grown sick of being used like Jeffrey Dahmer's closet mannequin (look it up), so he was glad when the readers had grown bored with him and had moved on to other victims. It had been Craig and Tweek for awhile, then it had been Kenny with insert name of uke character here. Kenny's list of lovers was long and disturbing, ranging from himself to Butters to Cartman and even Kyle. Stan was surprised Kenny hadn't been forced to perform oral sex on Mr. Mackey yet.
Yet.
Now there was a disturbing trend arising that he liked even less than having to constantly fuck Kyle like an insane animal, and that was the new kid thing. The New Kid was a character who could be anyone from an ordinary girl in love with everything that moved to a girl with magical powers ripped right out of a Harry Potter novel. Like that wasn't a fucking lawsuit waiting to happen. They came in all shapes and sizes, and all had mundane names like Sarah and Gabrielle and Trixie. Deep down, though, their names were all Mary Sue.
And here was one now, coming into the story like the black plague. She stepped down from the moving van, and Stan already knew he was going to hate her so much. The Mary Sue was coming off of her like a rancid stink, like the odor of someone who hadn't bathed in about three months and never changed clothes. The best way to describe the putridity of a Mary Sue is to call it a cross between runny buffalo diarrhea and the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk. Catch the reference there, bitches. It ain't hard.
As Stan looked at this stupid bitch, he had the sudden urge to pick up a rock off the ground and throw it. He played baseball, so he thought the odds were pretty good that he could give her at least a splitting headache, though he wouldn't be opposed to cracking her skull.
"Hi," she said, walking up to him like he wasn't glaring at her. Like he wasn't giving her the same look a Jewish family might give to the guy who brought the baked ham to the wedding. "I'm Mary. Mary Sue."
"You know, that was about as predictable as the ending to I Am Legend," Stan said, rolling his eyes. He didn't really feel like rolling his eyes, but everyone in Mary Sue stories rolled their eyes. Just like everyone in the Twilight books were either clenching their fists or grinding their teeth. Bad writing.
"I don't understand the reference you're making," Mary Sue said, flipping her long and luxurious hair, because all Mary Sue characters had to be good looking, intelligent and overall perfect in every way. How else would they land the fictional man of their dreams?
"It's like this," Stan said, pinching his nose, because he always had to pinch his nose at least once in every story, "Will Smith played this black dude alone in the ruins of New York City, right? And at night all these zombie monsters come out to play. Will Smith keeps calling on the radio for any survivors to contact him, while claiming he's the only man left on the planet. Suddenly these other two assholes show up and they're like 'Oh, you're not the only person left on the planet, because we're here to get in the way. You'll probably spend half of the movie trying to keep us from getting mauled.' Then they spend way too much time wondering about if there are any more survivors. Of course there are other survivors, you stupid shitter. If you were smart enough to survive, and this bitch wasn't that intelligent to begin with, then you don't think other people managed to survive? I kept saying to myself, 'Hey, this movie will probably end with the survivors going "Hey, we're not dead. We were just all over here, away from the empty city where the zombie monsters are."' And what do you know? I was right. From the very beginning. That's kinda like guessing your name would be Mary Sue. It just didn't take that much thought."
"Wanna have sex?" Mary Sue asked, because nobody cared enough about I Am Legend to bother with the last paragraph. Most of them probably just skimmed until they saw the word "sex". Oh, there it is again.
"If by sex you mean disembowel you and do the Riverdance on your small intestine, then yes," Stan replied. "If you mean sex as in put my penis anywhere near your rancid vagina, then no. It would probably turn black and fall off."
"But I'm a Mary Sue," Mary Sue said, adjusting her bra to plump her breasts, which were as usual far bigger than the breasts of the lonely girls these characters are based on. So far par for the course. "I'm a delicate virgin flower who is somehow still mysteriously awesome in bed."
"You're far from a delicate virgin flower," Stan replied. "You're a generic Mary Sue so you've, by association, been with everyone. Me, Kenny, Kyle, Cartman, Johnny Depp, Barack Obama, Jesus Christ..."
"I have not been with Jesus Christ!" Mary argued.
"She's lying," Jesus said, walking by for no reason. "I totally hit that."
After a story transition, Stan and Kyle were standing by their lockers. Stan was talking to Kyle about how he had been necking with Wendy the night before and she'd somehow popped a boner. The New Girl walked up, completely ignoring Stan and going straight for Kyle, because Mary Sues were notorious sluts.
"Hi, Kyle," she said with a sigh. She batted her eyelashes at him and tried to look sexy. Seeing as she was just another generic throwaway character, however, this did not have the desired effect.
"AH!" Kyle screamed, backing away from her. "MARY SUE! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"
"Come on, Kyle," Mary Sue said. "You're the man of my dreams. Well, actually, Edward Cullen is the man of my dreams because I'm really the avatar of an ignorant fangirl at heart, but he's not in this story so you'll have to do."
"Say, um," Kyle stammered, backing away like she had an infectious disease. "If you want to know what it's like to have sex with Edward Cullen, it's really simple. All you have to do is go to the grocery store and buy yourself a nice frozen tenderloin. It's hard, cold and lifeless, just like Edward."
"Make love to me," Mary Sue said, still advancing on him like a lioness. "Make love to me right here in the hallway."
"Yeah!" Kenny said, walking by and pumping his fist. "That's the kind of shit that the Penthouse Forum is made of."
"Get the fuck out of this story, Kenny," Stan said. "Go fuck Butters."
"Say now, fellas," Butters said, walking into the story out of convenience, "don't I get some kind of say over who gets to have their way with me?"
"Do you ever?" Kenny asked, pulling open his locker. As soon as he did, a thousand rubber dicks of all shapes and sizes fell out and spilled across the floor, because what's a fanfiction story if it doesn't have dicks in it? Kenny picked one up, a giant monster of a thing that looked like something that might be attached to a gorilla, and jiggled it. "This one looks like fun. Come on, Butters. I promise I won't use the jumper cables this time if you behave.
"Uuh, I hate the jumper cables," Butters said. Then they walked out of the story forever.
Meanwhile, Mary Sue had Kyle up against the lockers, trying to shove her boobs in his face.
"Now, be reasonable," Kyle stammered. "You don't have to rape me or anything. Just calm down and take a cold shower..."
He suddenly plunged his hand into his pocket and produced a can of mace. He sprayed her in the eyes, thinking she would fall back and clutch her face in pain. Instead her eyes turned bright red, like in the Terminator movies, and her head began to twitch.
"Hahahaha," she laughed in a demonic baritone. "The power of the Mary Sue is so great even mace can't stop me now!"
Her arm morphed into a giant falchion and she brought it down towards Kyle's head. Kyle ducked just in time and the falchion decimated the locker behind him like a Coke can beneath a steamroller.
"Holy hell!" he cried, grabbing Stan and running down the hallway. "This is a shit full of fuck!"
"Don't steal catchphrases!" Stan bellowed, pulling them into a classroom. "If you steal catchphrases, you're just as bad as that Mary Sue out there."
There were crashing sounds and people screaming. The demonic roar of Mary Sue was coming closer, and Stan and Kyle were scared for their lives. They knew she had to be stopped or she would take over the universe, but how do you kill something that has no soul?
Tweek came running in with Craig in tow. He was twitching and whimpering.
"I told you guys Mary Sue would come for us some day!" Tweek cried. "Geez, I don't want to die at the hands of a disposable, unoriginal character! Craig hasn't even had a chance to seduce me in this story yet!"
"Fag," Craig said.
Out in the hallway, Michael, the head Goth, was screaming that all Mary Sues are conformists of the worst kind who only pander to the lowest common denominator of readers, those who have no taste. He was screaming at her to return to Tartarus where she was spawned, then she roared and there was a crunching sound. Henrietta started shouting that the fucking stupid New Girl just ate Michael.
"You fucking bitch!" she screeched. "I know how to fix you!"
Stan and Kyle looked at each other, then tiptoed to the door and peeked out the window. Henrietta was holding a copy of Twilight in one hand and a grill lighter in the other. Mary Sue roared and charged at her, but the book went up in flames anyway. As it began to burn, the souls of the damned began rising from its pages and Mary Sue fell to the floor, twitching and changing shapes and gargling in the back of her throat. First she was an innocent New Girl, then she was a Jewish New Girl, then she was an emo New Girl, then she was a vampire New Girl, then... oh hell, you get the point. Finally, she melted away, leaving only a pile of dogshit on the floor.
Stan, Kyle, Tweek and Craig ran into the hallway. The other kids began cheering and clapping Henrietta on the back, telling her how awesome she was, which pissed her off. Damn conformists.
"How did you know to do that?" Stan asked.
"All fangirls draw their unholy power from Twilight," Henrietta said. "Bella was the biggest Mary Sue of them all. Destroy their power and you reveal a Mary Sue for the nasty pile of dogshit she is."
With that, Henrietta walked off, leaving only a pile of shit and some smoldering ashes behind her.
"Damn, that sucked," Stan said.
"Yeah, but you know, I've learned something today," Kyle replied.
"You did?"
"Yeah. It doesn't matter what form a Mary Sue takes. She can be Jewish, emo, goth, vampire, werewolf, or whatever. What matters is at the very core of who she is, deep down in her cold black heart, every Mary Sue is shit."
"True that," Stan said.
"Wanna go back to my basement and drink Rolling Rock beer and play old school video games?" Kyle asked.
"You really need to stop doing that," Stan replied, certain that they were going to have a lawsuit on their hands from a certain angry gamer before this was all over with. "Let's just fuck instead."
So they did.