A/N: I just watched Mean Girls recently... and it inspired me. I hope you enjoy it!
"Ok," Janice said, grabbing a piece of paper from her backpack, "This map will be your guide to McKinley. Study it, because this might get confusing." Cady glanced at it but couldn't make sense of it at all, and Janice sighed at the confused look on her face.
"OK, so where you sit at lunch is crucial. Don't sit with the preps, they're delusional. They think they get amazing grades in every class, but we don't even have classes here. People carry books to keep up the façade, but there's only lunch, free periods, football and Cheerio's practice, and Glee Club," Janice explained, gesturing to a table of people with glasses and huge blank textbooks.
"Glee Club?" Cady asked.
"We'll cover that soon, trust me. So the next table is the JV jocks, who desperately want to pretend they're good at sports. Finn Hudson sits there, but he's also a member of the Glee Club… anyway, and the varsity jocks table. They wear their varsity jackets all the time. Dave Karofsky and Azimio sit there. Notice their proximity to the slushy machine. They pick on Glee Club all the time, as well as the Asian nerds. See, only two Asians go to our school, so the Asian nerd is Tina Cohen-Chang and the cool Asian is Mike Chang. Some say they're related, and some just say that that's racist." Janice pointed to their tables. Damien nodded.
"Racist," he decided.
"So who is the Glee Club?!" Cady asked suddenly, curious at all the mentioning of it. Janice sighed.
"I'll get to that. Now here's the rest of the tables. There's the burnouts, the desperate wannabes- AKA the people who want to be Cheerios, or football players desperately, like Artie Abrams- the girls who eat their feelings, which is mainly just Lauren for some reason, the girls who wouldn't be caught dead eating, sexually active band geeks- who actually aren't that sexually active anymore, because they spend all their time with the Glee Club, waiting for them to start singing- the unfriendly black hotties, the greatest people you will ever meet… as in, us," she explained.
"Of course," Damien agreed.
"And, of course, the Plastics. Living, breathing Barbie dolls, with about the same amount of brains. There's Quinn Fabray, the leader, Santana, who's father is a dentist and invented some kind of stupid whitening treatment, and Brittany, the dumbest person I have ever met. She has a 0.0 GPA," Janice finished. Cady stared at the Plastics table. Brittany was holding up a pot of fondue and a picture of a chubby cat.
"What's that table?" she questioned, pointing to one right next to the Plastics.
"Oh, that's the Gable, the Gay table. If Damien didn't sit with me, he'd sit with them. Kurt Hummel sits there; he's almost gayer than Damien. Blaine Anderson sits there, too, and he can't stop singing. I think he has a disorder or something. Karofsky should sit there… my gaydar never fails me." Cady laughed a little.
"Kurt was in my 2nd period, and he wore a corset," Cady said. Damien looked jealous.
"Figgins told me I couldn't wear one, or he would suspend me, but he lets Kurt get away with it?! The injustice!" Damien cried. Janice rolled her eyes.
"Look, we all know you're gay. And anyway, Figgins lets the Glee Club get away with anything, even stealing money to pay for expensive sets and costumes that appear randomly. And everyone knows that Sandy Ryerson has molested former Glee Club members, but he's still allowed in the school."
"So who's this Glee Club?" Cady asked more forcefully.
"They're a singing club, dedicated to getting to Regionals, whatever the hell that is. Then they go to Sectionals… or maybe Nationals? Or was it the semi-Sectionals and then on to Regionals... whatever, I can never remember, and I'm not sure they can either. They try to raise money for it, although I keep telling them they should just sell some of their costumes; what's more important, handicapped kids or 'fabulous' sets and costumes? Damien, don't answer that," Janice started, "Plus, I'm pretty sure they kidnapped a pianist for their own evil uses; singing and trying to bring cheer. And then, of course, they end up getting slushied anyway, which our incompetent principal does nothing about. Which really doesn't bother me, because I would have probably slushied them myself if I had the chance."
"Oh…" Cady said uncertainly.
"Plus, they have Rachel Berry, possibly the most obnoxious person on the planet. She opens her mouth way too wide when she sings, and whenever she opens her mouth regularly, you don't want to hear the shrill complaints coming out of it. She's the opposite of Tina, who never talks at all."
"Wait, who's Tina?" Damien asked, confused.
"Exactly," Janice said. Cady looked back at the map, which had all the Glee Club members listed.
"Who's… Puck, Sam, and Mercedes? You haven't mentioned them yet," Cady pointed out.
"Puck's a self-proclaimed badass… note I said, 'self-proclaimed'. And Sam has the biggest-ass lips I've ever seen. And I'm pretty sure he's allergic to shirts."
"I went to get his chapstick once, and it filled his entire locker!" Damien interrupted.
"And Mercedes? She could probably be with the unfriendly black hotties, but she sits at the Gable because Kurt's her best friend. She always gets to the cafeteria early to get the last of the tots. If she doesn't get any… well, things get ugly pretty quickly," Janice said. Damien shuddered. He remembered that day…
"So who do you hate more, the Plastics or the Glee Club?" Cady asked. Janice suddenly stopped walking and turned to Cady.
"Well, here's the thing- the Plastics ARE in Glee Club, so both. And the Glee Club teacher, Mr. Schue? He just seems creepy to me. What's with his fascination with all the Glee Club members... especially Finn?"
"Yeah, and last year, Quinn Fabray started a rumor that Janice was-"
"Damien!" Janice slapped his arm, "Anyway, the point is, they're both devil spawn."
"Quinn Fabray started a rumor that Janice was pregnant, but Quinn was actually the pregnant one! But then she forgot about it mysteriously the next year…" Damien cried before Janice could interrupt him. Janice slapped him harder this time.
"Damien… want me to tell her about the time you wore a pink dress to school?!" Janice said, smirking. Cady laughed nervously.
"That was one time!"
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