Animeverse –

Dear Speed

Trixie took one last look around her empty apartment before taking her suit case and walking out towards her car. Over the past few weeks, she had boxed up her belongings. Today, the moving van had come and removed everything from her apartment. She had turned in her key. Speed had not been over, even though they had been out every night. She had just told him that her place was a mess and she didn't want him to see it like this. Speed had not questioned it. He had no idea she was leaving.

Although it was stupid, she couldn't just not see him. Trixie knew she loved him, but she also knew Speed. Sure, he enjoyed her presence. He might even miss her. A little.

But there would be a pretty blonde or a brunette or redhead in the stands at the next race, and he'd forget all about her. And without her standing there to remind him that she existed, Speed would completely forget she had ever been there.

Trixie wiped her eyes. No, this had to be done. She would never be able to tell him face to face. She would take one look at that handsome face and into those beautiful blue eyes, and she'd lose her resolve.

He'd be mad, but Speed wouldn't lose any sleep over it, over her. It would probably be a relief to him.

She went to a nearby coffee shop, bought a latte and sat at a secluded table near the back. Even though she was leaving, she didn't want them to worry. She reached for the paper she had set out, and grabbed a pen, nervously clicking it opened and closed several times before she finally started the first of two letters.

Dear Mrs. Racer:

I want to thank you and your husband for making me feel like a part of your family. I have to leave. I know it is cowardly to do this in writing, but I know that if I tried it in person, I'd never work up the courage to do so, or you'd say something so wonderful and wise it would change my mind. But I can't. I have to have a new start.
I am sorry.
Trixie

She re-read it over. It was vague and told them nothing. However, Trixie was not going to say anything against Speed to his mother. She wished that she could tell them how much they had meant to her, how much she'd miss them, how she would always consider them to be family.

But she could not. They deserved a better note, but Trixie could not bring herself to write it. She took a deep breath and started on Speed's letter.

Dear Speed:

I am sorry. By the time you read this, I will be gone. I thought you deserved to know why I had to go. And I didn't want you to worry about me. I wish I had the courage to say it to you and look into your eyes one last time, but I do not. Trust me, I have tried. So many times, I've tried. But then I look at your face, and you smile, and my resolve falters.

Speed, I love you. I have for a very long time. I know you don't feel the same for me. That's okay. I wish you did, I wish you could. But I know you don't. I know you never will. It breaks my heart that you don't love me, but I don't blame you. I'm not that pretty, or smart, or fun. Every time you see a beautiful girl, I know I can't compete with her. I'm just there. I'm comfortable. I'm safe.

I cannot tell you how many times I've stood by, watching you look at other girls and wishing that just once you'd look at me like that. How many times I wished you would drop everything to spend time with me…rather than dropping me to do anything else.

Speed, I think you're wonderful. But I have accepted for far too long that while I'm a part of your life, I'm not an important one. Racing will always be your number one priority. I'm not complaining about that. Racing should be your first priority. I could live with that, if only I were just below it. Or even just below your family. But I know I'm not. I know where I stand, Speed. I am last, behind anything else that comes along. And it's okay. Really, it is. I've accepted that.

Don't you see? That is why I must go. I should not accept that. I deserve better. I don't mean I deserve someone better than you, because there isn't anyone better than you. You're wonderful. But I do deserve someone who will make me as high of a priority in his life as I have made you in mine. I deserve someone who thinks I am as wonderful as I have always thought you to be. I wish it would be you. But, it isn't. And nothing I ever do will change that.

Truthfully, Speed, you deserve someone who you feel that way for too. It isn't me. It breaks my heart that it isn't. I wish that it could be. I would give anything for you to feel that way about me.

I just cannot stay here anymore, watching you look at other girls the way I wish you'd look at me…just once. Like I mattered, like I was the most important person to you. I know I'm not. I know I'm forgettable. I know I'm not as pretty as they are. I looked forward to each of our trips, all of the time that I could spend with you – but I lived in constant fear of the moment your eyes would lock on another beautiful girl and I would disappear. I would forgive you every time that it happened, not that you ever asked me to forgive you. Because you never really realized that you'd just broken my heart. Again. I would forgive you because I could not give you up.

So I have to disappear, for my own good. I have to get away from you. I will always love you, and I will miss you more than you will ever know.

Trixie

She read it over. A few tears splashed onto the page but Trixie did not re-write it. She folded the letter and put it in an envelope. Trixie finished her latte and went out to her car. She drove toward Speed's house, but parked a block away. She walked the rest of the way. Once there, she opened the mail box and placed her letter to Mrs. Racer in the box. It would be found later. Then she drove over to the track. No one would be there right now, so she did not worry about running into Speed. She parked her car by the Go Team garage and went in. She left her keys on Pops' desk then went over to Speed's locker. She opened it, and placed the letter in his helmet.

Trixie looked around one last time. She had spent so much of her life here. It was crushing her to know she would never be back. There was still time to back out, they'd never know. She could call the moving van back, and take back the letters. Trixie looked at a picture of Speed, sitting in a car surrounded by women he didn't know, and strengthened her resolve. She loved him. But she had to do this for herself. It might break her heart, but she had to stop torturing herself by being so close to someone who would never love her. She wanted more, and he could not give it to her. She did not blame him.

Brushing tears away, Trixie walked out of the garage and strode to her chopper. She looked around, and then turned the ignition. A moment later, the copter soared into the air. Trixie looked ahead and flew off into the night.

-5-5-5-5-5-Mach-GO-GO-GO-5-5-5-5-5-

Speed drove to the track and was surprised to see Trixie's car parked by the garage. "Trix?" he called, but she didn't answer. He shrugged as he walked in and saw Pops going through some tools with Sparky.

"Speed, you haven't seen the lugwrench have you?"

"No," Speed said. "Have you seen Trixie?"

Pops shrugged. "No. You expecting her this early?"

"I wasn't, but I saw her car, so I was just wondering."

"Before you get on the track, I want to go over the engine with Sparky."

Speed nodded. "I'll go get changed," he said and walked to the locker to get his racing gear. He opened his locker and saw a letter in his helmet.

Speed opened it and read it. The first time he read it, what she said didn't make sense. Then he read it again, and it was like she had punched him in the gut. He slowly sat down on a nearby chair. He read it again, and thought back to their time. Trixie was always there, always proud of him. And he remembered how he had been. He could see the hurt he had overlooked, and she had quickly masked.

Trixie had been his constant. He relied on her. She was his rock, and his anchor. She kept him grounded. He felt like the ground had fallen from beneath him.

"Pops?" Speed said weakly.

Pops came over. "Speed, what's wrong? You look awful."

Speed looked up at him.

"Speed? Are you all right? Son, you're worrying me," Pops said as he looked at the shocked face of Speed. He had been fine just a few minutes ago, and now. "I don't think you need to be driving."

Speed handed him the letter. "It's from Trixie," he whispered. He looked desperately at his father.

Pops read it over, then looked at Speed. He sat down next to his son. "Speed, I'm going to ask you one question, and you better think hard before you answer it. Okay?"

Speed nodded.

"Do you love her?"

Speed nodded. "I do, Pops. I do."

Pops frowned. "Well, I think I see what she's saying. I'm not saying you ignored her all the time, but how many times have you overlooked Trixie in favor of your female fans?"

"I know, Pops." Speed looked away. "I've been such an idiot."

"You have, son."

"What am I going to do?" Speed asked.

"You're going to talk to her," Pops said.

"What do I say?"

"I don't know," Pops said. "I do know that if you're going to prove to her that she's wrong, you better figure it out and fast." Pops looked at him very seriously. "But if you don't really love her, really believe she is wrong about how you feel about her, really feel for her everything she wished you did, then leave her be. You have broken her heart, whether you meant to or not."

Speed nodded. Just then the phone rang and Pops answered. "Yeah. I know." He paused and listened. "She was a little more detailed in her explanation to Speed."

"Who is that?"

"Mom. Turns out Trixie wrote a very cryptic note to us too, thanking us for letting her be a part of the family and telling us good bye." Pops frowned. "Your mother is very upset."

Speed nodded. "I hope you don't mind, Pops, but I don't think I want to race today. I'm going to go to Trixie's."

Pops nodded. Speed stood up. For the first time, he noticed the keys on the desk. Trixie's keys to the Go Team garage. He looked out again, puzzled by Trixie's car. Why was it here? How had she gotten home without her car? He noticed that the key ring also had her car key, and the key to the hangar where she kept her chopper. Speed took off running to the hangar. He opened the bay and saw it was empty, as if she'd never been there. Her chopper was gone.

Trixie took her chopper, not her car. That was really odd. Maybe she moved it to another hangar, so she wouldn't see him. Speed ran to the Mach 5 and drove over to Trixie's apartment complex. He pounded on her door, but there was no answer. He had a very bad feeling, as he forced himself to walk to the side and look in a window. The apartment was completely empty. How had he not noticed she had packed up her life? He really had been that blind when it came to her.

She couldn't have moved without help, a moving van, a friend, someone. Speed went to the management office to see if Trixie had left a forwarding address, only to be told that it was private and they would not release it.

"What about the moving company? Can you tell me who she used?" he asked.

"There have been a couple of moving trucks here this past week, who is to say which one was hers," the manager said.

Speed growled in frustration, but left the office.

Looking around, he saw a couple of kids playing near Trixie's place. Speed went over to them.

"Hi," he said.

One of them, a little girl in a pink play suit, frowned at him. "We're not appost ta talk to strangers," she said.

"Jiffy, he's not a stranger. He comes over and visits Miss Trixie a lot. You've seen him," the boy said.

Jiffy looked at him suspiciously. "Are you the one with the car?"

Speed nodded. "Yeah, and I'm looking for Miss Trixie."

"She left. I liked her. She would push us on the swings a lot, and wasn't afraid to push high," Jiffy said.

"Do you know where she went?"

Jiffy and the boy both shrugged. The boy said, "But a big yellow truck was here yesterday. The one with the green couch on the side." He frowned at Speed. "And Miss Trixie was crying as they took her stuff."

Speed frowned. "Thank you."

"Are you going to bring Miss Trixie back?" Jiffy asked.

Speed looked at her seriously. "I sure am going to try."

He got into his car and drove back to the track.

"Well?" Pops said.

"She moved. Her apartment's empty," Speed said.

"Trixie moved?" Sparky asked. "I mean, sure, I had a feeling she was unhappy, but I can't believe she'd just move."

Speed turned to him. "Unhappy?" He had been so oblivious about her feelings, never realizing how much he was hurting her.

Sparky frowned. "Sure, Speed. I mean, I know she loved everything about racing, but those fans of yours really knew how to make her doubt whether she belonged here. I tried to tell her that they were nothing, but… well, you knew how insecure she was, right?"

Speed shook his head. "Not really." He had never noticed her feelings about those things, not at the time. But thinking back, having read her letter and hearing Sparky talk, he should have. But he had been so confident in himself that he had not noticed her doubts. And she had not ever told him.. She probably thought he would ditch her for someone who was less demanding.

As if Trixie was ever demanding. He thought back to the times he had cancelled their plans at the last minute – like when Inspector Detector had asked for his help, or when he met a beautiful girl who needed help. The first few times, she'd gotten upset and tried to change his mind, ask him to help the inspector later or let someone else help. But he refused. After a while, she would just accept it without a word. As if she realized that what she wanted was nothing to him.

Speed frowned. "I've been such an idiot," he said.

Sparky nodded.

Speed glared at him. "You're supposed to be my friend, Spark."

Sparky shrugged. "Let's face it, you took Trixie for granted a lot."

"I know that now," he snapped. "Why didn't you tell me then?"

Sparky looked at him, "I shouldn't have had to."

Sparky had him there. He shouldn't have had to tell Speed that he was being a jerk to Trixie. And as he turned away Speed knew something else. If Sparky had told him that, Speed would not have believed him. "I have to find her and apologize."

Sparky cleared his throat. "Speed, don't you think you've hurt her enough?"

"I'm not going to hurt her," Speed said.

"I'm not saying you'll mean to. But, well, if you're not going to give her what she needs, then let her go."

"Don't you want her back here?" Speed demanded.

"Sure I do! But Speed, you've got a lot of thinking before you find her, because you're going to have to change for her. A lot. I am sure she'd come back if you asked her to and never complain. But if you're going to ask her to give up her chance for happiness without you, you better make damn sure you're going to make her happy here."

Speed frowned at him.

Sparky looked at him as if weighing whether he should say the next statement. "Speed, I'd give anything to have a girl who worshipped me as much as Trixie does you. And she was like that before you became a famous racer. She has always been encouraging you. When have you ever encouraged her dreams?"

Speed was taken aback. What were Trixie's dreams? Could he even answer that if he had to?

"Last month, when you won the Darkwind 800, Trixie raced to the finish line to congratulate you, and a there were a lot of your fans there too. I saw what happened, did you?" Sparky asked him.

Speed shook his head. It had been a bit overwhelming. There were so many people surrounding him, and he had thought Trixie would be one of them. He remembered seeing her near the Mach 5 at first, and then walking away from it a few minutes later. He had not seen her again after that race until the next day. He'd been a little angry at her over that, even asking her rather irately where she had been. Speed remembered her rubbing her wrist rather nervously, and blinking away tears. But she'd offered no explanation.

Sparky shrugged. "Speed, she was the first one to that car, but everyone surrounding that car shoved her back. One of them pushed her to the ground and she had to fight to get out of the crowd before she got trampled too badly. I asked her where she went, before you got in that next day. She said she had to go get her wrist looked at since she got kicked trying to get away." He looked at Speed. "You could have reached into the crowd and pulled her up. She'd have been with you, and safe. Instead, you didn't even acknowledge her and left her to fend for herself amongst the wolves. " His friend was not holding back. "I've overheard some of the things that your fans say to Trixie. Do you think they don't know her? They see her everywhere with us, and they know how she feels about you. They've told her that it's obvious you don't love her and they've told her she shouldn't be there. She's too plain for a star racer like you. I've tried to tell her that they are wrong, but it gets to her. Each time, it gets to her more, and I know she doesn't believe a word I say anymore when I tell her they are wrong. She has put up with a lot of bullying from the girls who are jealous of her, because she knows you better than any of them ever will. Are you going to protect her from that?"

Speed was reeling. First Trixie left him, and now his best friend was telling him how horribly he had treated her, that she had been hurt after one of his races, and bullied by his fans. He had known none of that. And he could not argue with what he was being told. That was the worst part of it. He had been a horrible boyfriend. Trixie had been the ideal girlfriend, and he had thoughtlessly taken advantage of the situation.

"I can't help what my fans do. But I can make sure she knows how I feel," Speed said. "I'm going to find her."

"That's fine, son, but you have a race on Saturday," Pops said.

"I'm not racing again until I find Trixie," Speed said. "And I convince her that she was wrong. I need to make her my priority, drop everything for her for once." He looked at Sparky. "If she doesn't want to come back and give me another chance I'll accept that. But I want her to know how much she means to me. Will you help me?"

Sparky looked at him for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, but if you break her heart, I'm going to kick your butt."

Speed smiled. "Sounds fair." He looked at Sparky. "Did you know?"

"No. She used to talk to me, a little, but lately she's been pretty quiet." He frowned. "How did Trixie pack up an entire apartment without you knowing? You've been dating her!"

"She told me her place was a mess, so I haven't been inside in about a month." About a month, where she was more pensive than normal, quieter. She had been withdrawn. Speed had asked her what was wrong, and now he knew. She'd come to a painful decision. She had decided to leave him.

-5-5-5-5-5-Mach-GO-GO-GO-5-5-5-5-5-