Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of the copyrighted stuff.

A/N: Hola! I be Lyn!

And I be Reneey!

And we be the Loco Loonys!

We're gonna tell you 1001 things that you should NEVER do at Hogwarts.

Or that you should do at Hogwarts for a laugh if you don't mind detentions.

Yeah, we got a lot of those so that we could bring you this list.

Maybe this should actually be called 1001 Ways to Get Detention at Hogwarts.

Eh, maybe, but I'm too lazy to go back and change it. Anyway, the title we have sounds good, too.

Right. Well, anyway, this is chapter one, and I wrote it! We'll take turns writing chapters, so Rea'll do the next one. Happy reading!

Things You Should Never Do at Hogwarts #459: Raid Lupin's Chocolate Stash

"He gave you what!?" a Slytherin girl with black hair and brown eyes asked excitedly.

"Chocolate," the third year Ravenclaw answered slowly, uncertain as to why her information was spectacular.

"Awesome!" said Reneey Umbra and her friend, Lyndotia Elumo, said together.

Lyn and Reneey weren't your average friends; while Reneey was the aforementioned Slytherin girl, and Lyn was a Gryffindor with dark brown hair and soft green eyes. At the moment, both of them were wearing matching evil grins.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Lyn asked Reneey as the Ravenclaw walked away quickly.

"Steal Lupin's chocolate?" Reneey asked.

"Yup."

"Of course."

And, still wearing those matching grins, the pair walked off toward their next class, Defense Against the Dark Arts, with a new spring in their steps.

"Reneey? Lyn? What are you two doing?"

Reneey and Lyn looked up guiltily from where they were trying to guess where Lupin might hide his chocolate. They had already searched their desks, the desks of the people nearest them, and a nearby cupboard when they had been asked to get up and perform a charm. Naturally, Lyn had actually found time to do the charm, as well; but they still had not found any chocolate.

"Er.. nothing, Professor Lupin," Lyn said with a polite smile.

"Right," Lupin said disbelievingly, but he went back to teaching the class about Grindylows, anyway.

"Where can we look next?" Reneey whispered as soon as he looked away.

"I don't know; maybe that cabinet behind him?"

Reneey started to get up, but Lyn grabbed her robes. "Are you crazy? We have to distract him first!"

"Oh.. right. So how do we do that?"

Lyn looked thoughtful. "Act crazy?" she suggested after a moment.

Reneey snorted. "Act?"

"Okay, fine; be crazy, then."

"I can do that."

And with that, Reneey stood up, a kooky grin on her face. She walked over toward the Slytherin side of the room, giggling under her breath.

Even Lyn was impressed; that was certainly very crazy. No one noticed as she crossed the room to the cabinet behind Lupin's desk and began rifling through it; they were too busy listening to Reneey smack random desks to keep the beat as she sang to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star:

"Tasty, tasty, little chocolate

How I wonder how tasteful you are

In the dark, in my mouth,

When you are so delightful

Tasty, tasty, little chocolate

How I wonder how tasteful you are!"

Lyn took her seat again, looking disappointed, as Reneey finished her song.

Lupin looked stunned for a long moment. Finally, he gazed at Reneey and asked, "You do know that doesn't rhyme.. at all. Right?"

"Yup!" Reneey said with a giggle, sitting back down again.

Lupin apparently decided that this bout of insanity wasn't punishable, because he finally went on with the class. In turn, Lyn and Reneey went on with trying to figure out where the chocolate was.

"Crap! Nothing?" Reneey asked, disappointed.

"Yeah," Lyn said sadly.

"Where's left? His desk?"

"That would be hard, though," Lyn said slowly.

"Exactly." Reneey paused and then said, "Let me do it!"

"Then I've gotta be the diversion this time."

Lyn sighed, put on her best crazy grin (which was pretty good), and stood up. Lupin and the rest of the class stared at her now, leaving Reneey free to slip away unnoticed and search through the desk.

It must have been quite the amusing sight; Lyn herself had a hard time keeping from laughter as she walked around the room, poking random people and singing to the tune of Frere Jacques:

"Are you hiding,

Are you hiding,

Chocolate?

Chocolate?

Lyn and Rea are coming,

Lyn and Rea are coming,

We'll eat you!

We'll eat you!"

Unfortunately, this reminded Lupin of Reneey; but luckily she managed to regain her seat just in time, so that he found himself staring at a girl who was laughing at Lyn along with the rest of the class. Lyn sat back down on her own seat and laid her head down on the desk, face first. Lupin blinked and for some reason just went back to trying to teach class.

Lyn sat up and grinned; Reneey looked downcast. "No chocolate there," she said sadly.

"Man!" Lyn said, disappointed.

"Where's left?"

"Hm... his office?"

Reneey grinned evilly, and Lyn made a face. "I have to play distraction again, don't I?" she asked warily.

"You're better at rhyming."

Lyn sighed and got up again, this time doing flips through the classroom so that she was sure to have everyone's complete attention as she sang to the tune of Pop Goes the Weasel:

"Up and down and all around,

The loonys chased the chocolate

Up and down and all around --"

THUD! She landed a leap off a desk just as she finished,

"POOF goes the chocolate!"

There was a round of applause and whooping from the Gryffindors as Lyn slid back into her seat beside Reneey, who had somehow managed to make it to Lupin's office and back already. Lupin looked utterly shocked; he didn't seem to be able to comprehend what had just happened. He opened his mouth once as if he were going to say something, and then suddenly turned back to the rest of the class and continued his lesson.

"Well?" Lyn asked expectantly.

"Chocolate!" Reneey whispered, revealing the bag full of chocolate that she had returned with. Lyn's eyes went as wide as Galleons as she reached for it.

Twenty minutes later, Lupin asked a question. No hands went up, no hands at all. This was strange; there was always one person he could count on to answer every question...

"Lyn?" he asked.

Lyn appeared to have a large bowling ball in her mouth, which prevented her from opening it. She swallowed some of whatever it was, so that she now only looked like she had a couple of golf balls in there and said, "Kappas are Japanese water demons."

Lupin may have been many things, but he wasn't stupid. "What do you have in your mouth?" he asked slowly.

Lyn froze, and her green eyes darted toward Reneey, whose mouth was just as stuffed and who looked utterly terrified.

"Er.. nothing," Lyn said, though her voice was still muffled.

"There's something in your mouth."

Lyn looked shifty as she said slowly, "Er.. it's.. Skittles!"

Reneey nodded immediately, widening her eyes to emphasize the point.

"Skittles," Lupin repeated slowly.

"Yes, sir," Lyn answered, having at last swallowed what was in her mouth. "They're a Muggle candy that I'm rather fond of."

Lupin couldn't take this; it was too much. "Show me these Skittles," he said warily.

"No!" Reneey said quickly.

"Excuse me?"

"Er.. no, sir?"

"Show me the Skittles."

"Errr.. respectfully declining to comply, sir!" Reneey said with a sudden salute. Then she broke down into giggles and sprayed the desk with chocolate.

"Chocolate," Lupin said slowly.

"Chocolate!?" a girl next to Lyn asked eagerly. "Where'd you get it!?"

Lyn and Reneey grinned at each other, swallowed whatever was left in their mouths, and stood up on top of their table. Then they proceeded to run and jump from desk to desk, giggling uncontrollably and singing to the tune of Do You Know the Muffin Man:

"Do you know the Candy Man?
The Candy Man?
The Candy Man?
Do you kow the Candy Man

Who stashes chocolate?"

Lupin looked aghast. "You stole my chocolate!" he accused.

"Yes, sir, Professor Candy Man, sir!" Lyn laughed as she jumped over a Slytherin's head.

"Do not call me Professor Candy Man!"

Lyn just giggled in her insane sugar high and yelled at the top of her lungs, "How much candy can the Candy Man can if the Candy Man can can candy?"

On the other side of the room, Reneey paused to look at Lyn curiously and ask, "I dunno, how much?"

Lupin just shook his head and said tiredly, "Double detention, you two -- my office, nine o'clock tonight."