I'm amazed at how many people faved the actual list. 0.o Happy 4th of July!

The 501st List One-Shots

Rules 1-5

1) Commandos are no longer allowed to teach troopers how to play "the beautiful game." I'm sure we all remember what happened when a certain someone got too into it. I'm not going to mention any names.

The clacking of armor could be heard all around the cargo bay. Most troopers not on duty watched the two squads of commandos viciously attack a ball about the size of a human head with sticks. None of them really knew what was going on, but it was pretty entertaining.

"Foul! You fouled me."

"Did not." The two men were standing about arm's length from each other. Their sergeants were holding them back, trying not to laugh.

"How do you know what's a foul and what isn't?" Tup whispered to Hardcase.

"No idea," he replied. "But I wanna find out." After the game ends, he walks up to the sergeant with blue chevrons on his chestplate.

"Will you teach me how to play...whatever that was?"

"Sure. And just call it 'the beautiful game.'" He leaned in and whispered, "We forgot what it's really called, anyway."

This is going to be fun, Hardcase thought to himself, grinning as the squads (foolishly) began laying out the rules, having no idea the hell they were about to inadvertently unleash.

Those eight were held responsible for the destruction of the hanger. Not just a bay. The ENTIRE hangar. No one knows how Hardcase accomplished it, but there was no denying it was him, and only him.

Saboteurs everywhere would have been proud.

2) Commandos are also not allowed to bring uj cake onboard. I can't believe how many fights the stuff caused. On second thought, yes I can.

"Whatcha got there, brother?"

Republic Commando 4419-"Niner"-looked up from his plate. A pilot he didn't recognize stood over him, eyes fixed on his cake. He moved it closer to himself.

"Uj cake."

"Where'd you get it?"

"My old sergeant sent it. Last one." Niner then turned his attention back to his precious snack, hoping the pilot would get the hint. He did. However...

"Hey, Niner! Why didn't you tell us you have uj?" He sighed. His squad brothers-Nic, Tagg, and Jester-crowded him, all eyes locked on his treasure.

"Fierfek...it's my last piece. Go away."

Nobody knows exactly what happened after that. One of them, probably Jester, either reached for it or had actually taken it off the plate. The second after, Niner launched himself over the table, tackling him, screaming like a madman. Everything went downhill soon after.

The event happened twice more, involving two more squads and three very frightened and totally confused padawans, before the rule was added.

3) When the Wolfpack is here, do not, I repeat do NOT mention Wolffe's eye. The man's grumpy enough as it is and I don't feel like writing a report explaining why a couple of morons from Torrent are in sick bay.

"What's up with his eye?"

"No idea. Ask him."

"No way!"

Wolffe's good eye twitched as the troopers from the 501st kept up their whispered argument, completely oblivious to the fact he heard them. The rest of the Wolfpack snickered. Two were placing bets on how soon their commander would snap.

"I'm not going to-"

"THAT'S IT!" None of the Pack was surprised when their commander leapt at the gossipers, snarling. The same could not be said of the victims.

They fear him to this day, as do any who saw the attack.

4) No trying to mind influence the messdroid into giving seconds. Troopers, you are not Jedi. Generals, why would you try to influence a droid? They don't have minds!

"You will give me more meat," the trooper said, waving his hand the way he had seen his Jedi officer do. The droid just stared for a second before telling him to move along. Defeated, he did so, grumbling under his breath.

"Again, Reddy?" Another trooper asked as he plopped his tray down, body following. The others snickered when Reddy made a very rude hand gesture.

"Damn droid's being stingy. We're the ones getting shot at, not him! We need energy!"

"I agree. Can't do anything about it, though." The trooper then looked at something behind him, his face a picture of disbelief. "No way..."

"What?" Reddy turned, and immediately his jaw dropped. General Skywalker stood in line, waving his hand like Reddy was moments ago. He couldn't hear the words, but he could lip-read enough to know that the general was repeating Reddy's request, and was being denied like he had. He turned around, looking back at the other trooper.

"What the heck?" The other guy shrugged. When he turned around again, the troopers in line behind the general were all staring openly at him. When the general left the line, looking very disgruntled, the trooper behind him tried the same thing. And the one after him. And on and on and on.

Apparently, they took the phrase "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again " very seriously.

"I think you started a trend, brother..."

"I...think you're right..."

5) This is for the men of Torrent Company. Commander Tano is not to be bothered on the third week of a galactic standard month. You will be held responsible for your own stupidity.

5b) And no, I will not tell you why. Just stay away, you hear me?! – A.T.

Captain Rex watched Ahsoka stalk into view, face twisted into a grimace and a hand on her lower stomach. He raised an eyebrow as she came closer, choosing to let her speak. She glared at him a bit.

"Cramps. Don't worry about it." His eyebrow stayed raised.

"Riiiight." Cramps? They each carried out their duties as usual, Rex sending her odd looks once in a while. About halfway through the day, the alarms sounded through the temporary base they'd acquired, and everyone sprang into action.

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FRICKING KIDDING ME!" Rex heard the shriek over the blasterfire and looked up just in time to see Ahsoka fly over his head, looking completely and utterly pissed off. She was swinging her lightsaber like nobody's business, flinging away what she couldn't get. The troopers stood, totally dumbstruck, as the little commander took out the droid company single-handed.

"Holy fierfek..." He heard one trooper mutter over the comm. A few more agreed with him.

"Scary, isn't it?" Rex glanced over to his right. General Skywalker stood with his arms crossed, and a shit-eating grin plastered across his face.

"Yes sir..." He watched the slaughter for a few more minutes, wincing when Ahsoka slammed a super-battle droid repeatedly into a tank before chucking it at three others trying to flee. "Um, why is Commander Tano acting...like, well..."

"A bloodthirsty lunatic?"

"Yes, sir." He draped an arm around the stunned captain, snickering, watching the utter chaos before them.

"You see, Rex..."

The rule was added almost immediately after boarding the Resolute. Force help the moron who ignores it, Rex thought as he wrote.

The squad in rule 2 is Bravo, and the sergeant is NOT Kal Skirata, by the way.

Some might wonder why (in this story, anyway) they know next to nothing about females. Sad truth is, outside of their commanding officers, they most likely would have never even met a female, let alone spend time in their company. Why bother teaching them something they never would have used anyway?

(Though I know several women and a few guys who wouldn't mind teaching a clone of their choice some, heh, things. One girl even went into detail. So...much...detail... *shudders*)