note: So I really love writing Ralphie and Phoebe as step-siblings (and Dr. T...oh, how I love writing Dr. T), and I decided that the Ternelli family should go on a road trip in which hilarity ensues. Parts loosely based on the 1983 classic, National Lampoon's Vacation, including the title, which is the name of the movie's theme song by Lindsey Buckingham.

Don't own MSB.

Enjoy!

holiday road
by, the ultimateSora

chapter one
snitches get stitches

Monday, August 9, 2004
The Terese-Tennelli house
Walkerville, Rhode Island
4:18 AM

Phoebe sat on top of her step-mother Suzette's 2004 Lexus RX330 as Suzette lifted the bottom half of the car-top carrier up to her. The sun wasn't up, so their only light came from the lights on the garage and side of the house. Phoebe moved back off the roof, the open back door allowing her to stand on the back seat so she could strap the carrier to the roof rack as Suzette got the other side. This was the rare time Phoebe appreciated being five-foot-ten.

"Excited for Orlando?" Suzette asked.

Phoebe smiled as she fastened the first strap. "Very. I've always wanted to go to Universal Studios, ride the Back to the Future ride. Why aren't we flying, again?"

"Well, your father and I thought it would be a good re-bonding opportunity for us. We have three drivers with you and Ralphie and myself, so a good, long eighteen hours on the road should do us good." She paused for a moment before she sighed. "Or we'll strangle each each other by the time we reach Virginia."

Phoebe giggle. "That sounds more like us."

"The Waltons we are not."

"More like the Bundys."

They both laughed, and Phoebe pulled herself back up on the roof to get the top half of the carrier. She always liked Suzette, even when she was apprehensive about her father being with a new woman. Suzette never tried to be a "replacement mother," but she was an excellent maternal figure. Suzette married Mark Terese in December of 1996, but it was when Phoebe hit that special time in her life- or rather didn't- four years later was she grateful to have a step-mother she could talk to (especially one that was a doctor), sparing her and her father the embarrassment. Any questions concerning her "budding sexuality" went straight to Suzette. Her father and Ralphie seemed to have a similar bond, and Phoebe knew that Ralphie considered Mark to be the father he always wanted and was now grateful to have.

"So, just between us girls," Suzette said, "you're going to miss Arnold, aren't you?"

Phoebe felt her face warm as she secured the top to the carrier. "We've been apart before." She and Arnold had been dating a year that past July.

As she climbed down, Suzette said, "I don't know if it still holds true now, but I thought when a boy gives a girl his letterman's jacket, she's his best gal." She winked when she saw Phoebe walk around the car towards her. "Your father may still not like the idea of you having a boyfriend, but I've known Arnold since he and Ralphie were barely out of diapers. You could do a lot worse."

Phoebe shook her head as they walked in the house through the side door. "It's funny 'cause Daddy hates Arnold due to him having a penis and taking me out to dinner, and Mrs. Perlstein hates me because I'm-" She looked down at her stained tank top and worn out jeans that stopped short of her ankles, gesturing down her body. "She always asks him when he's going to 'stop this slumming phase.'" In a perfect impersonation of Jean Perlstein, which caught Suzette by surprise, Phoebe said, "'Son, she looks like one of those homeless hippie artists you'd find in flea holes like Brooklyn.'"

"Uncanny impersonation!"

"'Suzette, when are you going to join the country club? You know we Ladies of Walkerville would just love having something as novel as a female doctor from New Jersey as a member!'"

Suzette put her hand on Phoebe's shoulder. "Now it's getting a little weird." They both laughed, and she patted her back. "Go see if that hulk is awake and packed. I'm going to pack the snack cooler. Is the bathroom cleaned?"

"I cleaned it last night, but I don't know if Ralphie's done any damage since."

"Go ahead and make sure it's clean still. You never know if any stray hairs made their way in there." Suzette sighed and added, "No one sheds like this family. It's like a bunch of Chewbaccas."

Phoebe smiled and headed for the stairs. Her own bags were down by the front door, having done her packing the night before and that morning. She didn't have much, just a suitcase for her clothes and shoes, a smaller bag for her shower stuff, and her backpack with her books, CDs, and portable CD player. She was also taking Arnold's letter jacket, which was laying on top of her bags (he told her he didn't mind). She went up to Ralphie's room, walking in to find him still asleep under his covers. She turned on the overhead light, which made him groan.

"Ralphie, time to get up. You don't want us to leave you behind, and I get to ride the Back to the Future ride without you, do you?"

He sat up. "Shit, I guess not."

He got up and stretched, Phoebe hearing his joints pop. Ralphie had finally surpassed her in height two summers before their sophomore year when he hit five-eleven. He grew another five inches during their junior year, stopping now at six-feet-four. He was also over two-hundred pounds of bulk and muscle, thanks to hockey and football. Phoebe could see the muscles in his back as he continued to stretch, and she wondered how it was she- barely over a hundred and twenty pounds- could hold her own when they got into one of their physical fights.

"My shit packed?" he asked.

"Did you pack?"

"A little."

"Then only a little's packed. Hurry up. Suzette and I want to pack up the Lexus as soon as we can."

"You need to me to put the car top carrier on the Family Truckster?"

"We already did it. Just hurry and get ready, okay?"

With that, she walked out and went down the hall to her room, double checking that everything was unplugged and she had everything she wanted to take along. She saw her old sock monkey doll on her bed, and she picked him up. She didn't care that she had just turned seventeen; no way she was going without Rambo. She went downstairs and put Rambo in her backpack, which she strapped on so she could pick up her other two bags and Arnold's jacket to pack in the car. She set her things down in the kitchen and helped Suzette with the snack cooler. They carried it out to the Lexus and put it in the trunk. Phoebe took off her backpack and set it in the backseat before going back in the house.

Mark Terese walked out of the master bedroom, which was off from the living room, and he walked to the kitchen. Phoebe smiled when she saw him. "Breaking out the Tommy Bahama shirts already?"

He was wearing a tan button down that had a palm tree pattern on it with linen shorts, and he also had on his new Ray-Bans Suzette got him. "Well, I figure we're off to Florida, might as well dress like it. Suzette picked out my outfits. What d'you think?"

Phoebe gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You look good, as always, Daddy."

Ralphie walked in just then, wearing one of his sleeveless "WALKERVILLE FOOTBALL" t-shirts with cargo shorts. "Whoa! Lookin' good, Mark! Florida ready!" He tossed his duffel bag towards Phoebe, who reluctantly caught it. "You gonna pack the Lexus?"

Phoebe dropped the duffel bag. "You're a big boy."

Suzette gave him a sarcastic kissy face as she picked up his bag. "So let your mommy pack your things."

Ralphie sighed and shook his head. "This family, I swear."

Mark patted him on the back. "That's why we're going on this trip, son. We need a good family bonding time." He cleared his throat. "Maybe some time away will also be good for Phoebe."

Ralphie laughed. "Right! Because she has a boyfriend."

Phoebe shot Ralphie a dirty look before looking at Mark. "Daddy, how come you don't give Ralphie a hard time when he has a girlfriend?"

"Because he's not my daughter."

"I'm the boy!" Ralphie said. "I can get away with murder!"

Phoebe scrunched her nose and arched her brows in irritation. "And I'm the girl. I could kill my step-brother without anyone suspecting me."

Outside New York City, somewhere in New Jersey
8:53 AM

Ralphie looked over to see Phoebe writing a text message on her phone. He took off his headphones. "Phoebe's using up minutes."

"I am not!" she said. "Sending a text isn't using minutes!"

"But it does cost money," Mark said. "Tell Arnold he'll see you in a month or more."

Suzette kept one hand on the steering wheel as she reached over to touch his arm. "I just added a good texting plan so the kids can have at it. Plus, we have plenty of minutes, and we have nights and weekends."

"You know what they say," Phoebe whispered to Ralphie, "'snitches get stitches.'"

Ralphie put his massive hand on her head and pushed her away. "Whatever."

She smacked his arm. "Don't touch me!"

He grinned and reached over, keeping his finger hovering over her cheek. "I'm not touching you!"

She smacked his hand away. "Stop it!"

"Stop it!" he mocked, still grinning.

She smacked his hand again and shoved him away from her. "Stop!"

Suzette sighed. "Oh, sweet Jesus, give me the strength to not pull over this car and beat both of those kids."

"Ralphie started it!" Phoebe argued.

"She's writing nasty things to Arnold!"

"I am not!"

Mark turned around. "Both of you, stop! You each stay on your side and occupy yourselves with your music or video games or books, something!"

Phoebe closed her phone and reached in her backpack for one of her books, A Storm of Swords. Ralphie reached over and smacked the book out of her hands.

"Nerd," he said.

"Ralphie!"

Phoebe took off her seatbelt and jumped on him, pulling his hair as she punched him. He wrapped his arms around her and slammed her down on the seat to get her to let go. Suzette and Mark erupted in shouts, and Suzette pulled over on to the shoulder.

"That's it!" She got out and opened the back door, pulling both kids out by the hair. She didn't care they were seventeen and quite large. "You two want to act like children? I will happily spank you both right here on the highway!"

"He/she started it!" they both said at the same time.

"I don't care!" She moved Ralphie towards the driver's side. "Ralphie, you're driving for a bit. I need to keep you two separated."

Ralphie got in as Suzette gently pushed Phoebe towards the backseat. Once Phoebe was in, Ralphie adjusted the seat back, purposely hitting her legs. She reached out and hit him.

"Those were my legs you just bruised!" she said.

"Don't hit the driver!" he said, reaching around to attempt to hit her.

Suzette smacked his arm and pushed him forward. "Stop!"

Once everything was quiet, Mark turned to Ralphie and said, "Make sure your mirrors are adjusted right."

Ralphie adjusted his rear view mirror. "Okay."

"I didn't hear a seatbelt click," Mark said.

Ralphie buckled up. "Done."

"I can hear the cars coming fast. Check over your shoulder before you start merging."

"I know, Mark."

"Do you, Ralphie? Do you? If you act like a smart ass, you're going to do something stupid and prove me right. Do you want to prove me right?"

Ralphie sighed as he started driving forward on the shoulder. "No."

"No...what?"

"No, sir."

To keep Phoebe from laughing, Suzette reached over and clamped her hand over her mouth. Mark went on, "I may not be able to see, but I can hear better than anyone in this car. Sounds like you're all clear. Check over your shoulder."

Ralphie checked to see the lane was clear and merged. "My step-dad is Daredevil."

Before Mark could ask, Suzette said, "Comic book superhero, hon." She moved her hand off of Phoebe's mouth and patted her cheek. "Good girl."

Phoebe picked up her book and sighed. "This is going to be a long trip, isn't it?"

"Hey, Ma, pass me my CDs?" Ralphie asked.

Mark shook his head. "No distractions. You're still a novice driver."

"Well, can I at least turn on the radio? It's too quiet."

"I'll pick the station," Mark said. He turned on the satellite radio and pressed the preset button for one of the classical music stations. "A little classical music will do you some good. Phoebe, can you name the composer?"

Without looking up from her book, she said, "Sounds like Tchaikovsky."

"Nerd," Ralphie said.

"Jackhole," Phoebe said, kicking his seat.

Suzette reached down and picked up Phoebe's backpack, putting it in the trunk. "Phoebe, trunk."

Phoebe unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed over the seat, book in hand. "Happily." She situated herself between the snack cooler and back of the seat, and she took out her CD player. "Headphones on," she said, covering herself with Arnold's jacket. The faint scent of his cologne relaxed her.

She realized she eventually fell asleep when she was startled awake by the feel of the Lexus coming to a stop. She could see they were at a gas station, so after putting on Arnold's letter jacket, she climbed over the seat and followed Suzette out of the back. Her long legs were wobbly as she stood up, and her back popped as she stretched.

Ralphie was on gas pumping duty as Mark and Suzette walked towards the convenience store. "Pheebs!" he called out to her before she walked too far.

"Mountain Dew and Cool Ranch Doritos, I know."

"And?"

"King size Snickers. Are you going to stop being a jackass?"

He smirked. "Pheebs, you know I can't keep that promise."

She smirked back. "Then I can't promise I won't put your food down my pants."

He grimaced. "Never mind. I'll get my own shit myself."

She turned on her heel and walked away. "Yes, you will."

Phoebe went inside and made a quick stop in the ladies' room before getting her drink and snacks. As she was trying to decide between Sprite or root beer, she felt her phone buzz in her back pocket. She took it out and smiled when she saw she had new texts from Arnold.

You hadnt responded in a while so i figure you're sleeping
I hope Ralphie won't do to you what he does to me when he catches me napping

She responded: I was sleeping but awake now
At a gas station in Maryland for a break
Ralphie wouldn't draw ding-dongs on my face with Suzette right there haha

When she finally decided on Sprite, she went down the candy aisle as Arnold responded: True, true. BTW, can I say something without "sounding" dependent?

You know theres NO WAY you could ever out-dependent me. What is it?

She picked up a large bag of Twizzlers and a bag of Sour Patch Kids, and before she met with her father and Suzette, her phone buzzed. Her chest was tight with anticipation of what Arnold wanted to say. She knew her smile was the biggest it had ever been when she read his texts.

I really really miss you and CANNOT wait until you get back
I want you to have fun in orlando but im excited for next week
How does a catamaran ride in narragansett bay sound?

She was still smiling big as she wrote back: That sounds perfect
I really really miss you too and i cant wait to see you again

His response came quick: Haha we really are saps huh?

But its fun making the others uncomfortable with our sappiness hehe

That it is, that it is

Ralphie suddenly came from behind her and took her phone. "Having text sex?"

She didn't hesitate to punch him in the ribs so she could grab her phone back, which she did. "Why are you being such a jackass?"

He held his side, his eyes closed from the pain. "You punch me in the ribs, and I'm the jackass?"

"Why can't you just be a nice brother for once?"

"Ha! Have you ever been around the Lis or Ramons? Hell, D.A. and her sisters are all assholes to each other. Janet and Arnold are only cousins, and look at what an ass she is to him!" He suddenly got a look on his face when he remembered what Janet's ass looked like. "And what an ass..."

Phoebe smirked. "Yes, Arnold's ass is quite nice."

"No!" he snapped. "If I find out that pretty-boy nerd put his hands on you..."

"You'll what?"

Before he could respond, Mark and Suzette walked over to them. Suzette was wearing a blue trucker's cap with white lettering that read "BOOB POLICE." "Huh?" she asked. "How does it look?"

"Awesome," Phoebe said.

Ralphie grimaced. "Oh, Ma, don't wear that."

"It's 'ironic,'" Suzette said. "Isn't that what all the kids are into these days?"

"I think it looks good," Phoebe said, smiling at the fact the hat made Ralphie embarrassed.

"She's not your mother," Ralphie said.

Phoebe shrugged. "People assume she is, so I think it looks good."

Suzette patted Phoebe's head and said, "Have I told you lately that you're my favorite?"

"Not since yesterday."

The two walked to the counter to pay, and Ralphie sighed. "Mark, why do women always side with each other?"

Mark laughed and patted Ralphie's shoulder. "Son, if I knew any of the secrets of the opposite sex, I'd tell you."

The four walked out to where the Lexus was parked once everything was paid for, and they stopped when they noticed the spray painted graffiti on the side: "PATS & GIANTS SUCK!" with "GO BACK 2 NEW ENGLAND" written under it. Upon closer inspection, the hood was painted with "GO RAVENS!," and all of the tires were slashed. The front license plate was bent forward, as if someone was trying to pull it off with no luck. Ralphie described the damage to Mark as Suzette pursed her lips and clenched her drink so hard it exploded open in her hand.

Ralphie cleared his throat. "I guess us kids putting the Giants and Pats stickers on the back windshield was a bad idea, huh?"

Phoebe shot him a look. "You think?"

Suzette finally managed to speak. "I bought that crossover brand-goddamn-new...a 2004 model in 2003! I haven't even finished paying it off!" She threw her destroyed drink bottle. "Where are the little shits that did this?"

The other three hung back as she stormed off to her vehicle, and she began kicking the license plate back in to place. Finally, they went to her, Mark gently grabbing her by the upper arms and pulling her back, his tone comforting as he told her they can always get the car repainted and tires replaced, and Ralphie and Phoebe set to work fixing the license plate.

"Ma, want me to call Triple-A?" Ralphie asked, once the plate was as flat as they could get it.

Suzette heaved a sigh, her hand on her eyes as Mark gently rubbed her back. "Fine, yes. Can't go anywhere with destroyed tires, I guess."

Ralphie gave her a nervous smile. "Look at it this way, Ma: Insurance will pay for all of this shit."

She sighed again. "Son, just call the damn tow truck."

Washington, D.C.
1:11 PM

A tow truck got the Lexus to a tire repair shop in Baltimore, and much to Suzette's relief, insurance was to cover the cost of the new tires. They still had the spray paint on the vehicle, but that would have to be taken care of back in Walkerville. Once the new tires were installed and paid for, the Ternellis were on their way, making their first planned stop in Washington, D.C. After a quick lunch, Suzette and Mark went to the Jefferson Memorial as Ralphie and Phoebe went to the White House.

Ralphie pressed his face against the bars of the fence. "Think the President's in there right now?"

Phoebe crossed her arms. "I really hope you get your head stuck in there so the Secret Service will think you're trying to trespass in to the White House."

Ralphie pressed his face harder against the bars until he popped through. "Shut up."

Phoebe nodded back. "C'mon, we're supposed to go meet with Daddy and Suzette so we can go to the Washington Monument."

"All right, fine." He pulled his head back only for his ears to stop him. "Uhm, Pheebs...I think your asshole wish came true, you asshole."

Phoebe didn't hold back as she laughed, and she took her disposable camera out from her pocket. "Oh, gods be good, this is amazing." She started taking photos. "Smile, Ralphie!"

"Phoebe!"

"Say 'White House'!"

"I am going to kill your skinny freckled ass if I ever get out of here!"

Phoebe lowered her camera. "Oh, look! Is that the First Lady?"

"Goddammit, Phoebe!"

"I really hope Secret Service can see you and is just laughing." When Ralphie started growling and trying to pull his head out harder, she sighed. "All right, fine."

Phoebe climbed up on the concrete base and tried using all her weight to pull on one of the bars. Unfortunately, her lack of balance caused her to slip, one leg going through the bars as the other went down the concrete base. She yelled out "Seven hells!" as her crotch hit the concrete, and Ralphie started laughing.

"Good, you're stuck, too, dicknuts."

Phoebe was hanging upside down, her head on the concrete sidewalk. "Two things I'm glad I don't have right now: A dick and nuts."

She closed her eyes as she heard other people around them start laughing. At least no one in Washington D.C. knew her. Well, there were two people that knew her and Ralphie...

"Oh, holy hell!"

Phoebe opened her eyes to see Suzette and Mark hurry towards them. "Ralphie got stuck first."

Suzette took out her phone and dialed 911. "Yes, my idiot children are stuck in the fence at the White House. No, ma'am, this is not a prank. I'm looking right at my idiot children. My idiot daughter has her leg stuck, and my idiot, moron son has his head stuck."

"Hey!" Ralphie said. "Why do I get the moron?"

Phoebe sighed. "Because you were the moron who got stuck first."

note: "No one sheds like this family. It's like a bunch of Chewbaccas." - Taken from Bob's Burgers.

"You need to me to put the car top carrier on the Family Truckster?" - Ralphie is, of course, referencing National Lampoon's Vacation in which the Griswold family car was the Wagon Queen Family Truckster.

Suzette was wearing a blue trucker's cap with white lettering that read "BOOB POLICE." - Taken from the Bob's Burgers episode "Food Truckin'" in which Linda wears the same hat.

Stay tuned, there's plenty more Ternelli hijinks to come!