A/N: For Mimi Keehl-Jeevas! She asked me to do this so of course I would agree! I take requests from anyone so feel free to ask! Note that in the middle of this song, a long paragraph in italics IS A FLASHBACK! JUST SO YALL KNOW. There might be a lot of those…
In the auditorium of World Academy, the lights were slowly dimming, signaling a wave of silence throughout the audience. In the back of the auditorium sat an awkward trio of a tall, pale-skinned Russian, a feminine Chinese boy and rebellious looking English child. Onto the stage strode a tall, albino boy with wide red eyes, wearing a form fitting tuxedo.
"Everyone! Welcoming to World Academy's twenty-second semi-annual talent show! I am your beautiful host, Gilbert Bielschmidt!" announced the delinquent Prussian, as if he were an over-ambitious show girl. "He is idiot, da?" Ivan laughed from England's left, sniggering like a child. "Yeah aru!" laughed Yao on his right, "I bet Ludwig is going to be co-hosting again, and will have to pull him away!"
Arthur snorted. "Do you know who's performing this term?" he questioned, his thick brows knitted together. Ivan pressed a finger to his chin, thinking dramatically. "I know that Natalya is singing again… Feliciano and Lovino are also supposed to sing… And of course, Francis is probably going to dance…"
"Oh, and don't forget Matthew and Alfred! They aren't doing acts together this year, but I know they're going to sing…" Yao finished. "And the usual people we don't know," Ivan tossed in casually. Arthur moaned just as Ludwig began to drag his idiot brother off the stage. "I wish this wasn't mandatory." Arthur would not have come if it were not. He hated the Italian twins, that French idiot and of course Alfred. Yet here he was, unwilling supporting them all. He would have given anything to be in his dorm, eating a batch of homemade scones and drinking soothing chamomile tea.
Arthur closed his eyes and allowed himself to sleep, trying to not pull out his head phones and silence the talent show before them. The Vargas twins sang a strange song about beds and California, the song sounding far too intimate for Arthur's taste. Natalya sang some strange song about 'walking on air' (Some Estonian song, according to Ivan) and performed it quite nicely. Francis danced with Joan (he could hear the fangirl's squealing about how perfect they were together) to some song about being speechless. The only two remaining acts that Arthur would be able to recognize was Matthew and Alfred's.
Matthew sat on the stage, somewhat embarrassed, with a guitar in his lap. Gilbert handed him the microphone with a wink, which caused the Canadian boy to blush. "W-well…" he began to stutter into the microphone, "I'll be playing guitar for my brother because he doesn't know how…" "Hey!" Alfred yelled as he strode onto the stage, "I'm still learning! I want this to be perfect!" Matthew rolled his eyes and scooted over so both him and Alfred sat center stage. Arthur sat up a little in his seat, anxious to watch what the idiot would do.
Matthew began to strum a few notes on his acoustic, smiling knowingly toward where Arthur sat. Alfred opened his mouth slowly, a look of terror flashing across his face. "I wanna dedicate this to someone I love… Someone who has supported me in every stupid thing I do… I want him to know how much I love him."
In front of Arthur, Kiku, Lili and Elizaveta began to shake and grasp eachother's hands like idiots. "I wonder who it is?!" they all whispered quietly, pulling out cameras with YAOI written all over it with sharpie. Arthur turned back to Alfred as he sang. He too was curious as to who was stupid enough to love the idiot.
"Step out the front door like a ghost
Into the fog where no one notices
The contrast of white on white.
And in between the moon and you
The angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right."
Arthur snorted at this. This was obviously a love confession now, not a public proclamation of love. Alfred most likely held this person in impossibly high regards, someone who never saw him or at least, how he felt. Someone who spent nights with him, unaware of how he felt.
"I walk in the air between the rain
Through myself and back again
Where?
I don't know.
He says he's dying
Through the door I hear him crying
Why?"
Arthur knew he was now overthinking it. He could not help it though… Whoever this person was did not realize how badly this broke Alfred's heart, to see him every day and not know if he felt the same. This person caused conflictions in Alfred's heart, and Arthur could practically relate to the final line.
"Arthur?" a voice asked from the other side of his dorm door. Alfred knocked on the door, asking to come in. "GO AWAY!" Arthur shrieked, his eyes fluttering open. He couldn't let Alfred see him like this. His skin was disgustingly pale, his eyes bloodshot and surrounded by bruises and heavy dark circles. Blood poured from his wrists, soaking his rug and slacks. "Iggy? Are you okay?" Alfred asks, "You haven't been in class all week." Arthur slammed his head against the door, unwilling to move any other part of his body. "Go away, Alfred! Please…" he begged, his whole body aching… The withdrawl was killing him… "No, Arthur, open up!" Alfred pleaded, slowly growing desperate. "NO!" Arthur whispered violently. "Let me die in peace…" Alfred was silent on the other side of the door, and Arthur prayed he went away… Instead, the window above his bed opened and in popped Alfred. His eyes went wide at the sight of the blood, and he pulled his favorite t-shirt off, pushing it onto Arthur's wrists. "What happened?" he whispered as Arthur began to cry.
Arthur shook his head, sobbing. "It hurts… I think I'm gonna die…" he whispered in return. Alfred cocked his head to the side, not quiet understanding. "It's in my drawer…" Arthur said, pointing to his night stand. Slowly, Alfred stood up and walked to the nightstand, opening the drawer. In it was heroine.
"Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates
This boy came from Nashville with a suitcase in his hand
He said he'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
And he walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like he's walking on a wire
In the circus."
Arthur could recognize the connection now. When he moved from England to World Academy, he was immediately introduced to Alfred, the boy who roomed at the opposite side of the hall. The first thing he said to Alfred to stop his flirting was insisting that he wanted only a boyfriend who looked like Elvis Presley and would take him to the beach, and walk along the shore like children would, on a tightrope.
"He parks his car outside of my house
And Takes his clothes off
Says he's close to understanding Jesus
He knows he's more than just a little misunderstood
He has trouble acting normal
Well I have trouble acting normal
He was trouble acting normal when he's nervous."
Arthur suddenly felt lightheaded. All breath escaped him. He remembered standing in front of Alfred that night…
"Arthur? What's the matter?" Alfred said as he opened the door, rubbing the three am sleep out of his eyes. Arthur pushed him out of the way and stepped in Alfred's dorm room, gesturing for Alfred to close the door. Alfred quickly closed the door and flipped on a small lamp, casting dim shadows across the room. Alfred turned to Arthur, who had already started stripping off his shirt.
"Iggy, what the hell are you doing?" Alfred asked, staring shocked. Arthur looked up from his shirt buttons, tears bubbling in his eyes. "Don't you think I'm pretty?" he asked. He sounded so desperate and heartbroken, Alfred couldn't laugh at such an idiotic statement. "That doesn't answer my question…" Alfred stated, stepping closer to Arthur. He sat down on one knee and began to button up Arthur's shirt for him. Tears began to land on Alfred's nose and forehead as Arthur cried.
"F-francis," he started, rubbing at his eyes with the backs of his hands, "He tried to get me into bed and… And I told him not until after exams and he… He said the bet didn't last that long! I didn't know what he was talking about and I left because I was confused and Kiku saw me and told me…" Arthur was cut off by his own sobs, his hands covering his eyes in shame. Alfred did not push him any further. He knew all about Francis and Gilbert's bed on who could bed someone fastest. It was not that they were picking on Arthur. Gilbert chose Lovino and had just as much luck.
"Ssh, who cares what he thinks?" Alfred asked, hugging Arthur around the waist. Arthur buried his head into Alfred's shoulder sobbing, desperately. "Don't… Don't you like me though?" Arthur asked desperately. Alfred smiled, nodding. "You know I love you, Arthur. Do you want to stay in here tonight?" Arthur nodded like a child. Alfred held him for a while until Arthur's sobs subsided.
"Do you think this is how Jesus felt?"
"Hmm?"
"You know, when Judas betrayed him and he saw it coming?"
"You know Iggy, I wouldn't know. Maybe we should just ask him."
"But Round here we're carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice just like lambs
Round here
Look he's…
He's slipping through my hands."
At this, Alfred looked at Arthur. There was no doubt who he was looking at. It caused tears to well up in his eyes and his hands flew to his mouth to stop the whimpers. He stood up despite Ivan and Yao's protests to sit down. Slowly, as if in a trance, he walked to the front of the auditorium and stood in front of the stage where a pool of fan girls had gathered. They all stared at him but he barely noticed. His eyes never left Alfred's.
"Sleeping children had better run like the wind
Out out out out
Out of the lightning dream
Mama's little baby better get himself in
Out of the lightning
He says "it's only in my head"
He says "Shhhhh I know, I know it's only in my head"
But the boy on the car in the parking lot
Says "Man you should try to take a shot
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
Arthur stared wide eyed at Alfred. He remembered everything, didn't he?
The summer felt nice. It was summer break and the few students who could not go home were permitted to stay on campus for the extensive break. Alfred and Arthur sat on Alfred's truck bed, lying on their backs. Arthur had something burning his hands, and occasionally smoked from it, trying not to exhale on Alfred. Alfred did not say a thing about it.
"Why don't you wanna try one?" Arthur asked, holding up against the sky. Alfred shrugged in his peripheral. "I need all the brain cells I can get. Not all of us are geniuses," he snickered. Arthur shook his head. "You know," he said, turning on his side, "I've never let someone this close."
Alfred turned to look at him as well. "What?" Arthur nodded. "I think it's safe to say you're my first real friend. I mean," He lay back down, smothering the flame on his joint, "Can't you see? My walls are finally crumbling."
"Then she looks up at the building
Says "I'm thinking of jumping"
She says "I'm sick and tired of life"
Everybody's tired of something."
Alfred himself looked like he was exhausted from pouring his heart out, but he obviously wasn't done. What he was saying was paining him and it was obvious.
"What are you saying?" Alfred asked, tears in his eyes. Arthur shook his head, an angry mask covering his heart broken features. "You're really are a bloody idiot!" Arthur hissed, "I hate you. I always have. Now leave. Me. Alone."
Alfred couldn't protest. He simply nodded and walked out, tears streaming down his face. There was no fight; no demand to know what was going on. Arthur could not understand why it hurt him.
"It doesn't matter… I'm going to die anyways…," he whispered to himself.
"Round here he's always on my mind
Round here hey man I got a lot of time
Round here we are never sent to bed early
And nobody makes us wait
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late
I can't see nothing... nothing round here."
"He's in here," Arthur could hear the doctor say. He knew whom the doctor was talking to. "It seems he jumped from theclock tower, though we aren't sure why. He has not said a thing. All we knew was his name and who you were, because he left his phone open to your number on the railing of the tower."
Arthur could hear sniffling; he could hear Alfred trying not to break down. But why did he care? Why did he care if he lived or died?
"Can I go in?" he asked after a few seconds of silence. The doctor must have nodded because the door slowly opened and Alfred most likely walked in. Arthur only pulled his blankets up over his bandaged body, allowing Alfred only the luxury of hearing him. Alfred pulled up a chair and sat down, his hands lingering on the side of Arthur's bed.
After a few seconds of awkward silence, Arthur spoke.
"Go away."
"No."
"I don't want you here."
"Well I don't want to be here."
"Then why are you here?"
"Because I care."
"Then why don't you want to be here?"
"Because it hurts."
"What hurts?"
"Me. I hurt."
"Why?"
"Because I thought you trusted me!" Alfred exploded. "Because I was always there for you and you shut me out! I thought I made it clear that you could come to me about anything! Yet you keep pushing me out! I watch you get high, make stupid decisions, and now throw yourself off clock towers because you will not let anyone in! God dammit Iggy, you need to get over whatever the hell this complex is and just ask for fucking help! I am tired of being forced to sit through people telling me what you are suffering through because you can't even tell me what's wrong! Do you know how it feels to know that the person you love is in pain? Because you should! I know you care about me or you would not have stayed by my side no matter what! You would have left way before any of this! And I'm suffering from watching you suffer! If you would just tell me then I wouldn't-"
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!" Arthur screamed, throwing the blanket off him. "I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! I never want to see you again! You are an idiot and you only cause me problems. I hope I never see you again! I would rather die than look at you for another second! I do not tell you anything because I cannot trust you! I. Hate. You."
"Would you catch if I was falling
Would you kiss me if I was leaving
Would you hold me cause I'm lonely, without you."
Alfred stared in silence after Arthur's outburst. The silence was heavy, weighing on his chest. Weighing on both of their chests.
"Do you hate me that badly?" Alfred asked, his eyes wide in horror. Arthur only shook his head, wrapping the blanket back round him.
"Please…" Arthur whispered, sobbing- unbeknownst to Alfred.
"Please leave…"
And Alfred did.
But, before he left, when Arthur thought he was out of hearing distance, he let his emotions take over. "I love you…"
And he could have sworn he heard someone say he loved him back.
"I said I'm under the gun around here."
Almost everyone knew what happened Arthur came back. Everyone tried to comfort either Arthur or Alfred. The yaoi trio even attempted to get them to be nice to each other. Yet, every room they stood in together grew ten degrees colder. No one around them would be able to breath. The bad friend trio tried to get involved and comfort Arthur, the Vargas twins sat with Alfred whenever he was crying. But no one could take place of the missing link they had thrown away.
"I'm lonely, lonely, lonely without you."
Yet here they were so close to each other. Everyone now knew whom Alfred was singing to, whom had broken Alfred's heart and mangled it to a point beyond recognition. No one knew they had such a tragic past though. No one knew about how much Arthur relied on Alfred. They could all only assume what he was doing to himself without Alfred there to help him and to shield him from everything bad he once hid from.
And I can't see nothing
Arthur reached his hand in longing, wanting to apologize. He wanted to portray everything he was feeling like Alfred managed to. Those years of unshed tears finally came back to haunt him. The endless nights without a single wink of sleep, the many over doses that forced him into hospitals and months of therapy. Tears poured down his face in ruthless waterfalls, like dams pulsing behind his eyelids, finally ready to be broken. Every unhappy thought rushed at him, emptied him of everything he had in him.
Nothing round here
The applause was deafening. The silence after wards was worse. The two could only stare at each other, before Alfred stood up. In five minutes, so much had been communicated between them. So many wounds were allowed to heal and scar over, to blend away into their pasts. Arthur climbed up onto the stage, standing just feet away from one another.
"You love me," Arthur whispered breathlessly. Alfred nodded. "You love me too?"
Arthur could not respond. The tears were drowning him, taking over everything he was. He rushed forward, wrapping his arms around Alfred's neck and sobbing into his t-shirt, begging to be forgiven, begging to be accepted, begging to be loved again.
"Yes Alfred…" Arthur sobbed. "I love you too."
A/N: I almost started crying when I started re-reading this. It changed from what was planned as cute, adorable fluff to heart wrenching, angsty angst. Just R&R… Leave me to sob in peace.