Years had past since the war. I had hope that soon my life would gradually slip into some normalcy, that perhaps I would feel complete and hole. However as time progressed I failed to grasp hold of any form of it. I had grown too accustom to the choas of my adolescence, the complete and totally unpredictability of everyone and everything in it. I felt as if my entire world, my being was wrapped snuggly in this persona of a torchered hero, that I didn't know anything else. And while at the time I desperately wanted it all to settle I did not know that as it did I would miss it.
Silently I sat my eyes closed as I listening to the vibating humm of the florecent lighting that buzzed ever so loudly in my kitchen. It was some how soothing, a constant sound that had grown fond of. It was like an old friend that was just poping by to say hello. A secret smile played across my lips as I pictured the plesantries of a luminous lightbulb waddling through my flat. I had almost completely forgot that I had company that is until...
"Harry! Are you listening?" Ginnys voice ripped through me like a hot knife through butter.
"I..what, yah yellow!" I shouted nearly toppling from my chair. "Oh yes, um...Im sorry love you were saying?"
Ginny stared dumbfouned at me, her sleekly manicured eye brows arched quizically.
"Ok then, anways back to what I was saying." I could tell by the tone in her voice she was a bit put off by my lack of interest but none the less was steering onward. Typical Ginny I thought. "I was asking you what you thought of these invitations? There cute but are they too cute? Are they tacky or bold? or these ones, or those ones, or that one? what do you think?"
Now it was my turn to be perplexed. "I um.." Helpful Harry, real helpful I thought, but to tell the truth I didnt know what to think. Through out the weeks I had been accusted with every type of wedding invitation, napkin color, flower, cake and center piece it was all sort of bleeding together. There were nights I woke up in a cold sweat shouting not butter cream she said fondont! It was beging to really wear on a bloke.
"I think that one is nice." I said pointing to a simple black and red invite. Right way I knew I'd chosen wrong, Ginnys' face twisted into a face that read ew you smell that.
"Seriously? that one? but it's so boring. It doesn't even have the nice print that the others one have." She tilted her head side to side, her lips puckered as she examined it. "I don't think this ones it. It definatly does not express our couple style."she said as she tossed it into the no pile.
"Couple style? What in bloody hell is that?"
It seemed that ever since we announce the engagment 4 months ago Ginny had slipped into this strange wedding coma. Every day she was coming up with new bridal lingo, wedding style, couple wavelength, FOB, and MOB it was a bit maddening. I figured all I had to do was show up, but it wasn't going to be that easy. she was convinced in order for us to grow together we needed to share this expirence whether I liked it or not!
"Blimey Harry I've explained this to you already. Every detail implicates to our guest and family what type of couple we are and whether or not we will be happy together."
"Oh!" Just nod and smile Harry thats it be a good boy. "Yes I forgot, silly of me couple style."
"You don't care do you?"
(Crap! would I dare say no? Don't say it, dont you dare say it!)
"Well to tell the truth it all kind of looks the same." I couldn't stop my self. It was as if my brain had some how lost control of my mouth and all the word vomit I had been supressing had finally peaked and spilled all down my front.
"What I mean is..." Fix this! My head was reaching frantically for something to say.
"What you mean is you don't care about our wedding? Is that it?"
"No..no nooo, I mean yes I care, of course I care. I ment to say.." I had to choose my words wisely. "is maybe, now don't snap Ginny love okay? maybe it would be better if you were to ask Hermione or your mum to help you decide. Im sure they'd be much better than I would at this being women and all. They know what to expexct."
For a brief moment I thought I had paved over the mistake I made. (I was wrong!) Before I could say anything else Ginny slammed her hands on the kitchen table knocking off the stacks of bridal magazines that had been sitting there, causing a great tidel wave of happy face brides to scatter across the floor.
"Is that your way of weasling out of this Harry James POTTER? Ask HERMIONIE! Your MUM anyone but me right?" Like a deer in headlights I just sat there quietly watching her as she paced back and forth occasionally pausing to glare at me."I want your opinion I want your help. Im marring you not blood Hermione you stupid arse! Is that so hard for you to understand? This is setting in motion the rest of our lives together if we can't even agree on a blasted wedding invitation why are we getting married?"
I shook my head, "I don't know" The room went silent, even the perpentual humming of the light seemed to be holding its breath.
"You dont know?" She breathed her voice wavered on controlled calmness and out right anger."You are telling me this now? when we are a month away from our wedding!Why not four months ago when you asked me to marry you, or how about last year or the year before that? Why not when we first kissed? why did your wait this long to say you had doubts?"
I couldnt look at her. Everthing she was saying was right. I should have told her I wasn't ready. But how could I? Everyone we knew was anticipating this moment. It was the obvious step to take after being a couple so long. Did I really have a choice? Did I ever have one in anything I ever did? It was all so overwhelming. I felt like a pot of boiling water, every day I was getting hotter and hotter I was so close to boiling over, but I always seemed to quell the pot. But now, as I peered down at my shoes I knew I couldn't be what she needed me to be, and sadly I really didn't want to be. Taking a deep breath, I slowly drew my head up locking eyes on on Ginny. Her small slender frame shook as she wrapped her arms tightly around her self.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. It wasn't comforting, I knew that. If anything I was simply adding salt to her wounds, but I couldn't offer her anything else. I didn't want to hurt her more than I already was.
"Thats all?" Her voice broke as she spoke. "After years that's all you can say to me? Your sorry? You bastard!"
She reached for me, her hungry finger pressed eagerly against the sides of my face. Her eyes wild, searching for something she knew wasn't there. I could feel the warmth of her skin against mine, the smell of her lavender shampoo overwhelmed my senses. She looked misserable. I had to closed my eyes, I had to escape this. I tried to pull out of her grip, but it was no use, she just hung on tighter.
"I won't do this to you any more Ginny. Please, please let me go."
She shook her head."I won't, I can't" she had started to cry. "I love you."
"No,you don't." I said again trying to pry my self free once more. "You love the idea of being in love thats all. And I cannot give you anything close to that. Not when I don't even know what I want. Do you understand?"
Again she shook her head. Like a stuborn child she was refusing to listen to me. She was so consumed with what she thought was love that she would not let it go or perhaps could not let go. I had to make her understand even if it ment hurting her.
Gently I pulled her hands from my face."You are going to listen to me." I said trying to make my voice as kind as I could, and yet firm enought to let her know I was being serious. "I don't love you, Ginny."
Her breathing stopped, she didnt move. She just stood there staring back at me, her brilliant brown eyes like two deep pools blinking back tears.
"I don't love you!" I had to say it again. I had to keep saying it until she finally understood. "Ginny...I don't..."
"Your Lying." She spat her sadness slowling edging on maddness. "YOu've always loved me. You told me so the first night I gave my self to you remember? The night in the mountains when you and I were together laying naked underneath the stars? You looked over at me and told me you loved me...TELL ME AGAIN!" she moved closer extending her arms towards me.
"Ginny just stop!"I said blocking her advance. "I cannot do this. YOu have to get it through your thick head. I don't love you. I just couldn't be alone any more. I needed someone to hang on to, someone to help me get through things, to make me fill like everyone else. You were there and I took advantage of your feelings for me. I'd hoped that over time I'd fall in love with you and at times I thought I was, but I never did. I'm so sorry for hurting you. It wasn't suppose to be this way, not for us."
I wanted to reach out to her, to stroke her face gently to make her feel like I had so many years ago when we were young. Our lives just starting.
I smiled briefly remembering all that we have shared together.
"It was a happy existance for a brief time. Everything, I thought was perfect, but it wasn't was it." I knew she wouldnt repsond but I waited just a moment before I continued on. "Tell me you didn't feel the change? The pulling away? The sleepless night? The countless excused to not come home. They were all there in big huge letters. Tell me you couldn't see them?"
This was horrible, the more I spoke the harder she cried, and the harder she cried the better I felt. It was all too messed up, but regardless I had to keep going. She had to be set free.
"Ginny!" I shouted causing her to jolt forward. "I used you and now I'm finished. I need you to get out of my flat!"
she shook harder her sobs over came her making her words no longer understandable.
"You can't, your lying...you love me...no..no..no...this isnt real...none of it...it just not happening."
Back and forth she rocked rambling on and on. It was truely terrible I could see I was diving her mad. I had to end it! Forcably I grabed her by her shoulders, trying to gather her fragmented sanity, I wrentching her towards me, staring coldly into her confused eyes.
"This is happening! YOU AND I ARE OVER! I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! GET OUT WHATEVER JUNK YOU HAVE AND GET OUT OF MY FLAT AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE! I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU!"
I let her go pushing her roughly towards the kitchen door before turning my back to her. I'd finally said it. As damaging as it was I finally let her go. My only hopes was that she'd be able to pick up her pieces and move on So that in time she could find someone who would love her the way she needed to be loved. The way I couldn't.I wasn't that person and no amount of prodding was going to make me that way.
I stood there, waiting for her to leave but instead I felt her lean her head on my back, her tiny hands gripping my shirt, her small frail voice whispering weakly to me one last time.
"I really wanted to be your wife, Harry. I was going to make you happy. Take your pain away. I was going to spend every day of my life making you smile. I loved your smile."She sounded so pittiful as she spoke it was heartbreaking to listen to. " I saw your sadness. I did...But I thought I could make it go away if I just loved you a little harder you would just stop hurting. I was wrong... It seemed the more I tried the more you were pulling away from me.I felt it. I was just ignoring it. I was stupid. I wanted you to forget everthing but me. I wanted to fix your heart. I guess I'm not strong enough to mend it. I wish I were. I wish I could make you love me the way I love you. Good bye Harry James Potter I'll always love you."
With that she let me go and I stood there, alone in my kitchen listening to the nothingness that had always been with me.