You know we can get away
Because I'm calling your name
Every day I feel this pain
He holds her against him, his heart still caught in his throat. She's been holding back from touching him. Probably because she's had this flicker of doubt about him not wanting her. And that kills him. Because of course he wants her. He wants her more than he's ever wanted anything.
And the way she finally gave into her need to touch him and collapsed into his arms…it makes his chest ache. He wishes he could get those two months back and make her pain go away. He hates to see her hurting like this. Even more so since he is the cause of that pain.
She clings to him, her fist tangled in his shirt, her other hand furiously wiping at the tears that spill down her cheeks. But she gives up on that and buries her face into his shirt instead.
"Kate," he chokes out, his own tears threatening to spill over. "I can't even begin to imagine. I can't…I'm so, so sorry."
He keeps apologizing because he doesn't know what else to do. He took her perfect wedding away from her. And he doesn't even remember doing it. Why did he do it? The accident. There was an accident. And then…then the hospital. He groans pushing the hand not wrapped around her into his temple. How does he get those two months back?
She's not talking to him anymore. Instead she just keeps pressing closer to him like she's trying to burrow into him. She's been through so much, too much. He doesn't even know what he's been through.
"Kate," he tries again.
Still nothing. He can't even see her face, the way she's situated around him. He's starts to pull away, his bladder starting to protest not having used the bathroom before sitting down with her. But her head snaps up and her fingers dig into his arm.
"Baby, I just need to go pee."
She hates when he calls her baby. He knows that. But she's not responding to her name tonight. She nods, seeming to realize how she's acting and releasing her grip. Castle kneels down in front of her before he heads to the bathroom. Tries to look her in the eyes around her now shorter curtain of hair.
"I love you so much," he tells her. "I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that, right?"
Her fingers tangle through his resting on her thigh. "I know. I do. I…I know."
He squeezes her hand and stands up to go relieve his bladder.
She's lying back against the pillows, already under the covers, when he comes back out. Now that she's let herself touch him again, she's aching for him. As soon as he slips under the covers with her, she's curling into his side. One of her legs pushes between his, and the other hooks over his hip. Her head falls against his chest to reassure herself with the sound of his beating heart. Her arms hug his torso and he hugs her back instantly.
"I haven't slept on this side of the bed in two months," she says softly. "Or worn a shirt that was mine to bed."
His grip tightens on her and he sighs into her hair.
"That's why my pillow smells like cherries."
She wants to laugh at that. But she can't. All she can do is cling to him and try not to fall apart more than she already has.
"Kate, I swear –" he starts again.
"Stop apologizing, Castle. I believe you."
"Do you? Because you still seem…distant."
"I don't think I could physically get any closer to you than I am right now," she says, giving a half-hearted attempt at a joke.
It falls flat.
"Not that kind of distant."
"Babe, I just spent two months looking for you, wondering if you were alive, listening to the boys argue about your commitment to me, interrogating your family about any lies you may have been keeping from me, getting talked down to by the FBI, and turning my mother's murder board into yours. I've barely slept. I don't feel like I've eaten although I must have because I haven't lost a ton of weight. And I've spent the last 48 hours trying to figure out if you're lying to me or not."
"Am I lying?" he asks, softly.
"No."
She doesn't know what else to say. Doesn't know to erase this new tension permeating between them. She just wants to go back. Go with him to get their marriage license. Be in the car with him during that accident. Know what really happened for herself.
"I'm afraid that if I let go, I'll lose you again," she whispers.
The tears are coming again. Like she hasn't cried enough these past two months.
"Katherine Houghton Beckett, you listen to me."
She props herself up on her elbows on his chest to look at him. The last time he used her full name like that, he proposed.
"We are going to get married. And we're going to figure out what happened to me. And we're going to catch the son of a bitch responsible and toss him jail with our good friend Bracken. We're going to get past this. Just like everything else. And at the end of the day, we'll still be husband and wife."
"We're supposed to be husband and wife right now."
He brings a hand up to her face and rubs his thumb over her cheek which is swollen from crying.
"I know. I know and I wish I could take it all back, take away all of the pain it has caused you. Because you sure as hell don't deserve this. You deserve so much better, Kate. So much."
She buries her head in the crook of his neck again, breathing in the scent of him that she has long since worn out of his pillow and T-shirts. Something Lanie told her pops into her mind and she brings one of her hands down from his torso to lift up the hem of his shirt.
"I know it's been two months, but –"
"Castle, do you remember getting this?" she interrupts, her fingers tracing over the scar from where the bullet grazed him.
He stares down at his ribcage in shock.
"What? What the hell is that? Where's that from?" His fingers join hers in tracing over it. "Was I shot?"
"You really don't know, do you?"
His fingers lace in between hers over the scar and she gets the overwhelming urge to put her lips to it the same way he did to hers when he first saw it. So she scoots down his body and kisses every inch of it before she brings her mouth up to his.
It's the first time she's felt his lips on hers in two months. It's almost too overwhelming and she sobs into his mouth. She can't imagine what the sex is going to be like when they both feel up it. If kissing him is any indication, she's going to be in tears the whole time. A part of her was beginning to think she'd never get to kiss him again.
Kate presses her forehead into his when she has to break the kiss. She notices that his cheeks are wet. This must be terrifying for him, to lose two months of his life. To not even realize that he was missing his family. Or her. His hands tangle into her hair, holding her there.
"You had it so much worse than Mother and Alexis," he whispers. "Because it looked like…and you thought…"
"I didn't think that the whole time. I refused to believe that you'd actually hurt me."
"I wouldn't."
"I know."
He breathes her in, shifting his legs between hers into a more comfortable position.
"I'm afraid to let go too," he tells her. "I don't want to lose more time. I don't want to lose you."
"You have me, Castle. I'm yours. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to let them take you again."
"What if we can't stop them? Whoever these people are who are trying to hurt us, or tear us apart."
She kisses his cheek, settling back down at his side. "I think that if we can catch the man responsible for my mother's murder fifteen years after the fact, that together you and I can do anything."