Just a little one shot that wouldn't get out of my head until I wrote it. For those of you waiting on the next chapter of Bomb's Away it's nearly ready. I had major writers bloke but I'm getting there. In the meantime I hope you enjoy this. Tigersforever.
"ITS NOT WORKING AND YOU KNOW IT!"
The tears rolled down Arizona's face as all her frustration came out. "You knew before I did."
Callie clasped her hands together and looked around to make sure no one was paying attention to them. It was embarrassing enough that everyone knew about Arizona's infidelity at the hospital, she didn't need the guests, some of them perfect strangers, to turn their focus on them after the spectacular debacle that had taken place inside the barn when April ran away with Jackson to God knows where.
"Okay, can we just go home and sit down and talk about this."
Arizona shook her head as the tears continued to flow. "It's not my home anymore."
Callie stood silent and wide-eyed at her wife's declaration before looking away. To hear Arizona say it wasn't her home anymore shot an arrow through her heart, it brought all the doubts she had about making their marriage work to the surface. She had been trying desperately to ignore how she felt but Callie guessed it was time to face her fears and have it out with Arizona once and for all. If her wife was ready to give up on them, on their relationship, maybe she was too. Callie started to put the rest of the gifts in the trunk, Arizona wiping at the tear tracks that marred her face. Callie put the last box inside before closing the door and finally making eye contact with Arizona.
"I'm going to take you back to the apartment and we can make arrangements when we get there."
Callie walked around to the driver's side and started the car, pulling her seatbelt across her torso as Arizona finally made it into the passenger side. The radio played softly in the background as Callie pulled the car onto the road and towards the apartment they currently shared. Neither had said a word as Callie merged onto the freeway until finally Arizona broke the silence.
"What did you mean by make arrangements Callie?"
Callie sighed. "You said it wasn't your home anymore Arizona. I don't want you to be somewhere you don't feel like is your home and with someone you don't want to be with. We can work something out and we can share custody of Sofia. I would never take her away from you again, she's your baby too."
Arizona turned sharply towards Callie, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Callie...don't say that."
Callie stubbornly wiped at a tear and kept her attention on the road. "You said what we've both been thinking and feeling Arizona. It's not working."
Arizona sobbed as Callie desperately held back her tears. Callie pulled the car into the parking garage in the apartment building, both exiting the vehicle and waiting for the elevator in a tense silence. A few moments later they arrived at apartment 502, Callie holding the door open for Arizona to walk through. Callie threw her jacket over the back of the couch before walking into the bathroom. She returned with a box of tissues which she handed to Arizona with the faintest of smiles.
"Thanks."
Callie shrugged before taking a seat next to Arizona on the couch, a sizable distance between them. Callie ran her fingers through her hair as Arizona noisily blew her nose. Callie rubbed up and down her thighs before letting out a sigh, her hands resting on her knees.
"So...we should talk about what we're going to do. Should we see a lawyer or should we do this ourselves."
"Are you talking about divorce Callie?"
Callie looked at the ceiling before focusing back on Arizona. "I don't know. We need to talk about this, about us. I mean, if this isn't your home anymore why did you come back? Why did you make me think you wanted to try again? Why did you give me this hope that maybe, just maybe, we could make it? Tell me what's going on Arizona. Tell me why this isn't your home anymore." Callie kept her voice neutral even though she wanted to yell and scream. Nothing productive would come of it so she desperately tried to keep her cool and let Arizona explain to her what was going on in her head.
"I've always felt like this was your home and I was a visitor, a welcomed one, but a visitor none the less. You were here before I came and the mortgage is in your name and I know I agreed to move in when you asked me to but I thought by now we'd have moved into something together, something that's ours. It never bothered me much before but lately it has. I have some great memories here but at the same time I see this couch and I remember the time we broke up over having a child. And I see the desk over there where I lost my balance and broke that vase when I was first learning to walk with my prosthetic. And I see the hospital bed in our bedroom after I came home minus a leg. The same room we didn't share for months after the crash and even when we did there was always this distance between us. I want something that's ours, something we can build memories in together, but it isn't going to work, nothing will, if you don't stop trying to fix me."
"I'm not trying to fix you Arizona."
"But you are Callie, you are. I'm finally feeling like a whole person again and I'm happy with that person. I've made mistakes and I can't change the past but I know they won't ever happen again. I want us to work but I need you to accept me, this me, if we're to have any shot at making this marriage work."
Callie nodded, understanding where Arizona was coming from. "I was only trying to help you Arizona."
"I know Callie, I know, but you need to stop." Arizona sighed before she continued. "There's something else though."
Callie looked away and wiped at her tears, now flowing freely as the realization hit her that she had treated Arizona like she had been before the night of the storm. Arizona was a proud and stubborn person and having someone assume you need help every step of the way is frustrating and infuriating and she understood that, she had just never broken that habit. When Arizona came home she fell right back into the same old pattern. But aside from Arizona not feeling like this was her home, what else was on her wife's mind. Callie turned back to Arizona and waited with bated breath for her to continue.
"You haven't really forgiven me Callie."
Callie's jaw clenched as her anger bubbled under the surface. "I have Arizona."
Arizona shook her head in the negative. "But you haven't Callie. We've had sex yes and we sleep in the same bed but I can feel the hesitation from you every step of the way. It isn't your fault, this is all on me. I broke us but when I came back after you asked me to you assured me we could work, that we would have a clean slate but it hasn't been that way."
Callie stood and paced the carpet in front of the couch, deciding the truth needed to come out. "I'm trying Arizona. I'm trying so hard to make this work but you're right. I knew way before you did that this wasn't working because to be deadly honest, no, I haven't forgiven you. I mean you've done nothing to prove to me you are sorry for what you did or that it won't happen again. Can you blame me for being scared and holding back when I can't be sure you even love me anymore or that you even want to be with me."
Arizona rose off the couch and stopped her wife from pacing, holding Callie in one place with her hands on her upper arms, looking her dead in the eyes.
"I do love you Callie, I always have and I will do anything you want me to. I want us to make this work. I wouldn't have come back if I didn't think we could."
"You want to know why I'm having so much trouble forgiving you?"
Arizona nodded. "Yes. Please tell me."
"When you cheated with Boswell, I got it. You wanted revenge for me giving the order to cut off your leg, well you certainly got that. But to sleep with a resident, fucking some child while I tried to get back in touch with who I was, who I am. I was hoping you'd do the same or at least try therapy, but no, you went and fucked someone else and why? Did you need to drive home the revenge? Didn't feel like you hurt me enough? I have to see her walking the halls of the hospital, looking at you like a love-sick teenager. How do I know it's even really over. How can I trust that you won't go back to her when things are hard or if we have a fight."
Arizona shook her head as Callie broke free of her hold and turned her back on Arizona, taking a deep breath to calm herself.
"It is over. I made it very clear to her about what we were and if she can't move on that's her problem. Leah...she was a huge mistake. I just wanted to feel something and she was there. I'm not proud of it but I used her like I used Boswell to make myself feel something but I want you. I want us to work and I'll do whatever you want me to do to prove it, for you to start trusting me again. I felt so alone even before the storm and I don't want to ever feel that way again."
Callie wheeled around. "So are you just using me because you don't want to be alone?"
"That is not what I meant Callie. I love you and I need you. You and Sofia are my world and I feel lost and alone without you."
Callie snorted. "If you hadn't cheated on me you would never have lost me. Why did you have to cheat on me to find out who you are now? Why couldn't you have come to me and told me how you felt?"
Arizona wiped at a tear that trickled down her face. "Because I was an idiot and selfish. Just like you I had to find myself again and it's something I had to do alone and I feel like I have now. I've made mistakes and I've learned from them. I hurt you and I hurt Sofia and that will always be the biggest regret of my life. But one thing I learned about myself through all this is the fact that I can't live without you. When you kicked me out I gave up, I admit that and sleeping with Leah was my way of coping. I felt like I had lost you forever but when you asked me to come home I really felt like I found myself again, I found my purpose in life and that is to love you and Sofia with all my heart. I may not feel like this place, this apartment, is my home anymore but wherever you and Sofia are, that is where my heart belongs. But none of that matters if you can't forgive me Callie, if you can't wipe the slate clean so we can start again. If you can't forgive me you need to tell me now."
"Are you giving me an ultimatum?"
Arizona sighed. "I guess I am. I've said all I have to say, it's up to you where we go from here. I have doubts just like you but I want us to try again."
Callie sat back down on the couch, her head in her hands before she stood back up, grabbed her jacket and her keys. As she slipped her arms through the holes and walked towards the door Arizona got in her path and tried to stop her.
"Where are you going? We need to finish talking about this."
"I need to breathe. The babysitter is bringing Sofia back in a couple of hours but right now I want to be alone. I'll be back and you'll have your answer."
"Callie..."
Callie held up her hand to silence her wife. "Just leave me alone Arizona. I need time to think."
Callie opened the door and walked out of their, well her apartment, leaving a crying Arizona on the couch and straight to Joe's. When she was in the OR or doing research she always had a plan or if she had to think on her feet her thought processes were always clear and concise, but when she had a personal issue alcohol was the answer. She wasn't proud of that little habit but it was who she was. Callie walked into the bar and took a seat, Joe walking over to greet one of his long time and favourite customers.
"Hey Callie. Haven't seen you in a while."
"Hey Joe. I'm gonna need some tequila tonight and keep 'em coming."
Joe poured a shot and put a beer on the counter as a chaser. Callie took the shot and downed it, the familiar burning in her throat a good thing at this point in time. Joe poured another which Callie downed just as fast.
"Whoa, slow down Dr Torres. I don't want to have to take your keys."
"It's okay Joe, I walked." Callie sipped her beer and looked around the bar, the happy faces of couples sitting closely together in booths and friends toasting each other to another day passed taunted her. Why couldn't life be simple and easy, even for one day. Callie couldn't put it off any longer, she had a decision to make and it was one that was long overdue. Could she forgive Arizona? Could she really wipe the slate clean and give her wife another chance so that they could give their relationship and marriage another go. Her mind was a jumble but her heart was only telling her one thing. In her past she had always worn her heart on her sleeve so why should this be any different. Callie finished her beer and put some money on the counter, leaving a nice tip for Joe before walking out into the cold Seattle night. She pulled her jacket tighter around her body and walked the short distance to her home. She took the elevator to the fifth level and put her keys in the door. She opened it to find Arizona sitting in the same position she left her in, the tears silently trickling down her face. She stood as Callie took off her jacket and threw it on the back of the couch again.
"Callie..."
"Arizona, sit down and shut up."
Arizona sat back down and waited as Callie paced in front of her. "Are you ever going to cheat on me again?"
Arizona shook her head no. "Never."
Callie nodded to herself and kept pacing. "Are you and Murphy really over?
"Yes."
"Are we going to talk to each other when we have problems instead of ignoring them and letting them fester and grow?"
"Whatever we need to do we'll do it. Whatever I need to do to prove to you that you can trust me again I'll do it."
Callie stopped pacing and stood directly in front of her wife. "Do you love me Arizona?"
Arizona stood and took Callie's hands in hers, for once not finding the resistance she usually felt when she touched Callie. "I love you and I will always love you, no matter what you decide." Arizona swallowed hard as Callie nodded.
"Can you give me at least a week before we look at houses?"
"What are you saying Callie?" Arizona hesitantly smiled at Callie.
"I'm saying it will be hard and it will take time and at some point one or both of us may want out but I know I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't take a chance on us. I don't want to walk away from what we have. We both have doubts but everything we've talked about tonight, we can work on it if we do it together. If we just talk. I want to give us a chance to do this right. I want to wipe the slate clean and start fresh."
Callie pulled Arizona into a kiss, their bodies tightly pressed together. Callie pulled back and rested her forehead on Arizona's. "I love you."
"I love you too."
As they kissed again the doorbell rang, the babysitter dropping off a sleeping Sofia to what would be their home for only a little while longer. They found the house they both wanted quickly, almost as if it was meant to be. Only time would tell if they would last forever but if they didn't take the chance they would never know would they.