Never was, Isn't now, Never will
Chapter One
Are We Over
"HEERO YUY!" screamed a very angry, indifferent, tied up, Relena Yuy.
Cringing at the sound of her barking at him, he turned back around to look at his wife who was now, unwillingly, looking quite seductive tied up to their king sized, four post, bed.
Her face being red would be an understatement with her hair never looking messier as she struggled.
"Relena, we talked about this. I said I would go to drastic measures if you didn't change your mind", raising my hands in mock surrender but there was no way in hell I was going to untie her while I was still in the house, not while she looked ready to take on a Spartan army. There was too much stuff around to be thrown. Over the two years of marriage, her aim had improved impressively.
Backing away, one small step at a time, never turning my back to her, there was no telling if she could throw stuff with her feet, I made it to our bedroom door. Almost to freedom, I started to turn around to make my escape when the voice of the devil herself caught my attention.
"Heero Yuy, if you walk out that door and don't untie me this very instant, I'm filing for divorce!"
'That one hurt.'
Turning around slowly, feet rooted to the floor, I looked into the very eyes that stole my heart all those years ago. Praying I wouldn't see what I feared most, yet I knew I would, I did. She wasn't lying. She never did. She never would. She never has.
"I told you last night, Relena; I've told you a thousand times. You can't go on that trip to Mars, with your brother. The moment you're out of my sight, he's going to start persuading you to move there with him with or without me and no matter how much I know you would love it, we can't move to Mars. Our life together is here. Your job is here. My job is here", I said, letting my shoulders slump down in defeat.
We had this discussion, fight, ever since she ever mentioned the new project on Mars. And, that was 6 months ago. Neither one of us, as irritatingly stubborn we are, could come to a compromise. She wanted to go; I had to stay. And, the fact of it was, it was ruining the one thing we had, our marriage.
Not that I would ever admit it, I was too afraid to lose her. And now, no matter what I did, she would leave.
If I untie her, she goes to Mars. If I leave her there, she'll file for divorce and go to Mars.
She sighed, looking almost touched by what I said because I knew that she knew it was true and that was what hurt the most. She was willingly being taken away.
"Heero, please, I'm tired of fighting."
Nodding hesitantly, pulling a pocket knife out of my back pocket, I slowly walked over to her in two long strides, cutting the leather belt I tied her to the bed post with, returning the knife to my pocket.
"Heero, if you would, call Milliardo and tell him-", rubbing her sore wrists, avoiding most if not all eye contact. I knew what she was going to say.
Interrupting, desperate, I began "Relena, please, I'm begging you!" getting down on my knees before her seated position of the bed, taking her hands in mine, "Don't go to Mars. Don't leave me. We can be happy here. We are happy here. We were happy here. When did it change?"
Her eyes began to tear up, one escaping to roll down her cheek, as she rubbed her thumb over the back of my hand, "Oh Heero, It didn't change. But, Milliardo is my brother and I don't want to be so far away from him"
"Then why do you have to go? Why can't he just stay here?" searching her eyes for anything to give me hope. I found nothing of the sort. In her eyes, was the truth I had tried so hard to avoid. She would always put her brother first.
"It's his job that's making him move! My job isn't important here, Heero. I work at a donut shop for Christ sake!" she cried, throwing our intertwined hands down on her knees.
"But there the best donuts in the world and you know it!" trying to make her smile, trying anything and everything to possibly change her mind. It worked.
For a split second, it worked but no longer than that.
"It's not enough, He-" she started, shaking her head, the smile fading from her chapped lips. There were sores from where they had been chewing on them, even when I told her not to.
"If that's not enough, then, what about me? What about us? Is 'us' enough?" interrupting again. I shuddered to find the answer to my question when the dam holding back her tears broke and she sunk to the floor, in the space between me and the bed, burying her face in her knees as her shoulders shook at the rough assault of her cries.
Standing up slowly, hands empty of hers, I backed away from what I thought would be my happy ending.
Coming to terms with the inevitable, I asked the question that I had been asking myself for the past couple of weeks, when the fights become more than I thought they ever could be.
I asked her, hardly above a whisper, "Are we over?"
Watching her long golden hair frame her angelic face as she slowly looked up at me, her eyes bloodshot, nose running, her face glistening as her tears stained her face, she answered.
"Yeah, Heero, we're over", a frown washing her features as the truth of it all finally sank in. We were done 6 months ago, when she said she wanted to leave for Mars, but neither one of us wanted to accept the truth.
Nodding, eyes darting around the olive green walls of the room that many memories were created in, I gave a mental goodbye to it all. Once she was gone, I would have to move. This house wasn't a home for an ex-husband. Looking down at her, I silently pulled the golden band from my finger as if I couldn't bear the lie of it being there any longer. She turned away from me, guilty; she slowly pulled the rings from her finger as well, holding them loosely in her hand.
Pain flared in my chest and it threatened to spill over for all to see. Not willing to let the woman before me see me weak or affected by our failed relationship, I turned to retreat. Walking out, never once looking behind me to see the for sure crying woman that I loved with all my heart, not allowing her see me shed one tear that she caused with this stupid meaningless repetitive argument that just ruined our marriage; I dropped the golden band on the kitchen counter never breaking my stride for the garage door and left the warmth of the house that was once my own without a clue of where I would go.
I got into the white minivan, beckoned it to life, turned up the music and pulled out of the familiar driveway to let my heart take me where it wanted to go on the familiar roads.
Before I knew it, I was on Duo's doorstep, ringing the doorbell just as it started to rain.
Hilde answered, "Hey Heero, what made you drop by?" she froze, giving me a look over. Being friends for as long as we had, she could read the signs: dark jeans, Patriots Hoodie that I hated, sandals, and open eyes, unable to hide all the emotions inside me. These were the clothes of the first stage of my heartbreak. Next, it would go to sweat pants and finally, just my underwear, never leaving my bed, drunk.
Without saying a word, she wrapped her arms around me and I returned the embrace, letting myself go.
Tears and whimpers were forced from me like a child getting their candy taken away by a bully. It was far too easy. Falling to my knees, Hilde going down with me as she whispered soothing words of comfort, rubbing my back, I let the pain free.
I didn't even notice a car drive up until Hilde's head lifted from where it had rested on mine.
I didn't have to look up to notice the exchange from the married couple. I knew that by her just looking at him; he would know everything without saying a single word.
Duo, gently, pulled me up by my arm and ushered me inside as Hilde closed the front door and left in her red Honda. I knew where she was going but I couldn't bear to give it any further thought.
Looking up, meeting Duo's pained eyes from where he sat on the coffee table before me, I just shook my head, "why?"
Duo only looked down, his braid falling effortlessly over his shoulder, "I don't know, buddy", looking back up to me, "I just don't know"
Nodding, I slumped back into the couch I was sitting on, throwing my head back to take a deep breath as my hands washed away the evidence of a break down on my face, to rake into my hair.
"I need a drink"
Gripping a plain blue dinner plate, Relena could see her dim reflection: cold, ugly, and horrible.
Grinding her teeth she raised it over her head and brought it down on the corner of the counter to shatter to pieces on the floor.
A little relieved, she pulled another dish from the rack by the sink and let it fly towards the wall with all the force she could summon.
With a loud crack, it shattered just the same.
But, despite the relief she felt in destroying the two plates, her heart clenched at the thought of how her and Heero used to sit every night at their dinner table, eating dinner, using those very plates.
'You can't keep doing this to yourself.'
Looking down at my quivering hands, I took in a shaken breath when I noticed for the hundredth time that day that my ring finger was empty. It had only been 30 minutes since Heero left in haste but it felt like years had passed.
Before I knew it, I had another plate in my hand. Screaming, I threw it, too, at the wall.
'How dare he just leave like that! Why didn't her try to stop me? Why wouldn't he just go to Mars? Yeah, he has a restaurant here but he can make one on Mars, too!'
Tears pooled out of my eyes effortlessly. Look at me. I'm a monster. I drove him away. I drove him away with my unwillingness to disappoint my only brother, only living relative.
Pinching my temple, I whimpered in agony, remembering the look in his eyes.
When he was begging me to stay, begging, his deep blue Prussian eyes were filling with nothing but hope and hurt, hurt that I caused. He had never, ever begged for anything in his entire life. It just wasn't worth it if you had to beg, to him. But, he got down on his knees, and begged.
And, when he asked if we were over…his eyes were tearing me apart.
They were filled with pain and betrayal and shock.
Heart clenching, I slowly made my way to the living room, heading to the front door for some fresh air. There were too many memories in this house.
Freezing, hand inches from the door knob; I realized there were just as many memories outside. Wherever I looked, whatever I touched, there was a memory.
A loud knocking noise made me scream, jumping back, heart racing.
Suddenly it picked up, 'What if it's Heero?'
Then just as suddenly, it plummeted, 'Heero wouldn't knock on his own front door would he? What if it's Milliardo?'
Biting my thumb nail, unwilling to open the door because of the thought, I paced in place nervously.
Just when my heart had gotten to a regular pace, the knocking sound came again, rougher this time.
Throwing my hands into my hair, I rushed to the door, looking out the peep hole.
Hilde?
Quickly, opening the door, Hilde's arms circled my waist in a quick hug. Then just as quickly as she had hugged me, she pulled away, sending her hand slicing through the air to come into contact with my right cheek.
Gently, placing my hand over the burning scarlet place on my face, I looked up to her with wide eyes.
Then, it all clicked. She knew.
Realization washed over me, and the pain that had temporarily subsided came back in full force. Heero went to see Hilde and Duo.
Sinking to my knees, dropping my head to the floor, I cried. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore then I cried some more, proving myself wrong. And, I hated to be wrong. I hated wrong things. I hated wrong people. I hated wrong situations. And, right now, everything felt wrong.
The very moment I told Heero that we were done, it felt wrong. I had cried ever since earning myself only a bigger headache than I had already had when Heero decided to tie me up to prevent me from going.
All in all, it was sweet. And, what did I do? I told him I was going to file for divorce!
Clenching the fabric of my shirt covering my chest, I secretly wish I was crushing the heart beneath it.
Something warm touched my shoulder. Looking up, I saw Hilde, her eyes full of sympathy and pain, anger. I had no reason to question her feelings. She was Heero's friend before she was ever mine. They go way, way back. And, I hurt him. She had set us up in the first place, in exchange to be introduced to Duo.
Suddenly wanting to defend myself, a flood of words escaped my lips before I had even formed a reasonable sentence.
"I am so sorry but Milliardo is the only family I have left and he wanted me to go. I didn't want to do that to Heero, I swear. I love him. I love him and I left him. He must hate me… All he had to do was go to fucking Mars and we wouldn't be in this mess. No, I'm wrong. I should have been more willing to stay…"
"Relena, stop, he doesn't ha-"
"Oh my god what did I do? I'm going to rot in hell for this. I should just kill my-"
"Don't be ridiculous! You said yourself that you should have been more willing to sta-"
"How dare he force me to choose between him and my family? He had no right! I-"
"But, Rele-"
"There he goes, trying to blame this all on me! But, he's wrong! He-"
"Relena-"
"He should be more willing to go! All he has is a stupid little restaurant that-"
"Relena.."
"You know what? If he wants me back, he ca-"
"RELENA!"
Hilde's harsh tone stopped me. Thinking back on what I was saying, I was ambushed with a wave of guilt. No, Heero wasn't wrong. He was never wrong. And, that was what always drove me crazy because I simply hated ever being the wrong one. But when can you be right if Heero's never wrong?
Vision blurring, a wall of tears forming, I looked up at Hilde. Though I couldn't see her through my tears, I knew what she looked like. She was wearing a frown with tears of her own.
"Oh, Hilde…What did I do?" finally admitting my defeat.
Pressing my head to her warm, though rain soaked, chest, she embraced me, resting her head on my own as my tears were pushed out of me. She brushed back my hair, kissed my head, rubbed my back, and tightened the hug every now and then while cooing words of comfort.
There we sat, for a good long hour, on the floor in front of the open front door, making the atmosphere cold and wet. None-the-less, we didn't move. We just rocked back in forth as my pain seeped and poured from my eyes like a rapid river going over a waterfall.
I don't know what time it was when we finally stood up from our position on the floor. I guess all our warmth had seeped into the floor instead of keeping our bodies at a comfortable temperature.
Hilde led me to my bedroom, which was where I dreaded to be, to leave me to take a shower. She said it would help me feel better and whether it would or wouldn't; I didn't argue.
Letting the water run, not getting in quite yet, I heard Hilde talking.
Wrapping a towel around my bare body, I silently cracked the door open to see her sitting on the edge of my bed, her back to me. With my cordless home phone pressed to her ear she fiddled with something between her thumb and fore finger.
Squinting, I gasped to see it was my wedding band and engagement ring that I put on the night stand after Heero left. Again, I had forgotten I had taken it off at all.
Caressing the now noticeably bare skin on my ring finger, I listened to what she was saying even though I could only hear one side of the conversation.
"Yeah…How is he?...Don't be serious…Duo, why'd you let him drink so much if you knew that was going to happen?"
Heero was drinking? But, Heero never drank except for big occasions… Was he that depressed?
"She's okay… There were shattered glass everywhere…what?... No, she just cried the whole time…she rambled a lot, taking the blame, then blaming him, you know, hysterical… She's in the shower…I'll tell her… I've got to call Milliardo before he ends up throwing a search party for her… No, her phone is just loaded with missed calls from him... Yeah Okay… Love you too…Bye"
Taking the phone away from her ear, she dialed what I assumed was Milliardo's number. Caring less on how he would react, silently blaming him for all that happened, I shut the door with a soft click that I hoped Hilde didn't hear and let the towel drop to the floor from around my body. Stepping over it, I opened the door to the shower, and got in.
Hilde was right, it felt great.
But, it wasn't the heat of the water, the steam fogged up the glass walls around me, or the feeling of my silky hair as I ran my fingers through it that had my minds attention.
With an aching heart, I began to remind myself that Heero wouldn't be in our bed when I walked out of here, waiting for me to join him so we could go to sleep. We never went to sleep with the other. I reminded myself, Heero wasn't going to hop in here to surprise me with inappropriate intentions like he had done a couple times in the past, completely unexpected. And, I reminded myself, Heero wasn't coming back, because he was stubborn and bullheaded. And, I wasn't going to ask for him back, because I was just as stubborn and just as bullheaded. And, because neither of us would admit that we were wrong or confess what we knew we should have done…
We were over.
Sinking down against the wall, water beating down on my tender skin, I allowed myself a few moments to forget it all, and to just pretend it was all a dream.
For one last time, I allowed myself to believe Heero and I were still together.
I allowed myself to forget my mistake.
So...Hate it? Like it? Love it? It IS an 1xR story so don't give up hope! Thanks for reading. Much appreciated. R&R?