A/N: Ok…Fair Warning, this is pure, unadulterated Crack! Read at your own risk. :P I was dared to write it and I can't pass up a dare. Spoilers for Season 5.
Disclaimers: Don't own 'em. Not sure after writing this that Kripke would ever let me. :P
"Dean…come on… it's good news, really." Sam was starting to worry just a little about his big brother. He hadn't said a word since Cas had arrived. If he didn't know him better he would think his brother was in shock. But, that couldn't be, not after everything they had been through. It would take a lot more than this to shock Dean.
"Cas, you're sure about this? It's not some kind of sick joke or something?" He once again looked to the angel for guidance.
"Sam, you know I don't grasp the intricacies of humor enough to make jokes, sick or otherwise. It seems that there has been a change of plans. Dean is no longer in danger. He is not needed as a vessel any longer. Michael has decided that there is another that would serve him better."
"But, I thought that this was all preordained or something. Didn't you tell us that this was our destiny? That Dean would have to be Michael's vessel the same as I was meant to be Lucifer's?"
"Yes, I did tell you that but, I am an angel not God. I am not infallible. There are things in play that I am not privy to. Since I cut my ties with Heaven I have been, I believe you would say 'out of the loop'."
Sam was ecstatic. If Michael had found another vessel then maybe there was a chance that Lucifer would do the same. This war would be much easier to fight if they were not also fighting their roles in it.
They both knew, that even if they were no longer the chosen vessels, they could not let this final battle between Michael and Lucifer happen. It would mean the end of everything and that was not acceptable. Sam hated to admit it but, it would be much easier if they had to do something drastic to stop it, if it didn't mean that one of them was likely to be lost as well.
"Dean. Dean…you ok man? Say something."
"I don't understand." Dean looked squarely into the angel's eyes as he finally spoke.
"What is there to understand? " The angel cocked his head slightly to the left, a signal they had both become very accustomed. "You are no longer the vessel. I do not see how that statement could be considered complicated."
"Cas…man…you can't just come popping in here after everything that has been going on and drop a bombshell like that with no explanation. I mean, damn…it wasn't that long ago that you were beating the crap out of me for thinking about letting Michael have his way. Now you're telling me that the whole thing was just a big mistake. Whoops, sorry dude…we didn't read the fine print, here's a coupon for a free dinner at Ponderosa for your trouble."
"Dean. I have apologized for my actions. There is nothing more to explain. It is not as if they have given me a handbook for the Apocalypse. I only know what I overheard and that much I have shared with you. I thought you would be happy to know that you are no longer being hunted."
"Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled to hear I'm not slated to be Michael's meat suit but something just feels off about this whole thing."
Sam could see the wheels turning in his brother's mind. Nothing ever came easy to the Winchester boys and this was too easy. There had to be some kind of catch and if anyone could find it, it would be Dean.
"Did you hear anything about Lucifer?" Sam was hoping that whoever Cas was using for information would have insider knowledge about what the fallen angel was planning as well.
"No Sam. I am sorry. The angel network is having a great deal of trouble trying to hone in on what is going with Lucifer. He has found a way to mask his location and they are having trouble just trying to locate him."
Sam tried to keep the disappointment from showing on his face but he could tell by his brother's reaction that he wasn't doing the best job.
"Don't worry Sammy. Just because I'm out of the race doesn't mean I'm going to let that hellspawn have his way with you. We'll figure this out. Promise."
"Dean, it is highly unlikely that you can stop Lucifer. If the angels cannot locate him then you have very little chance of doing so." Once again Castiel, the "Angel of the Obvious" couldn't help but voice the thoughts that were going through Sam's head already.
"Cas, seriously, you need to work on that whole supportive friend thing. Besides, nothing is going to take Sam away from me. Ain't gonna happen. I promised to protect him and I never break my promises, isn't that right Sammy?" Dean waited to see if his pep talk would help to boost his brother's morale.
"Yeah. He's right Cas. If I had to put my money on either Lucifer or Dean… well, it's no contest."
"Now, Cas. Tell me exactly what they said. We have to figure out what their new plan is. Maybe if we can get to the real vessel before Michael we can stop him from taking up residence and put the brakes on this whole damn mess."
"Well, it is really rather simple Dean. Apparently there was a mistranslation in the records. It seems that when the angels set out to identify the intended vessels they read the prophecy as 'Michael's vessel will be identified by finding the eldest son. His vessel will serve as the Sword and the Vengence.' Of course they thought that it meant that your vessel was your body."
"Makes sense. What other vessel is there?" Dean was getting more confused by the second. The prophecy seemed pretty damn clear to him. Find the eldest son, that would be him, check. Acquire his vessel. He only had one vessel that he could think of and that would be the one he was currently occupying. He was totally unprepared for the explanation that came next.
"Emm… Dean… I am not sure how to tell you this." Sam had never heard quite that tone coming from the angel before. They had been through just about every disaster he could think of and Cas had remained controlled and nonplussed through each of them. But now, he seemed to be slightly afraid of telling them the rest of the story. He didn't even know that the angel could be afraid.
"Damn it Cas. Spit it out already. The sooner we clear this up the sooner we can lay the smack down on Michael's newest plans." Dean was anxious. He was getting a bad feeling about this. He knew it had all been too easy and now the other shoe was about to drop.
"Well…you see… the prophecy was very clear. The eldest son's vessel. See… I suppose I could understand how they made the mistake…" Castiel was obviously stalling and both brothers grew more nervous as he floundered, looking for the best way to state this.
"Cas…it's like pulling off a band-aid. The quicker you do it the less painful. Just tell us." Sam watched Cas take an unconscious step back from the boys and prepared to intercept his brother. If Cas was moving out of the line of his reach this was going to be bad…very bad. He might be the only thing keeping his brother from doing something he might regret later.
"The vessel… is… " Cas took a deep breath…"It's your vessel Dean…the Impala."
"OH HELL NO! I don't even let Sammy drive my baby! I'm sure as Hell not handing her over to some pompous windbag of an archangel!"
Sam had never seen his brother's face quite that red before. He could understand why the angel had been hesitant to provide this little scrap of information. He looked from the angel to his brother and back again, trying to judge the possibility of violence in the room. He thought Dean had himself under fairly tight control. He let out a relieved breath thinking…"Well…this certainly just got a whole lot more interesting…"