A/N: This was originally written for the Phoenix Wright kink meme.
Phoenix was surprised to see not one but two prosecutors walk in to take the bench on what he'd thought was a fairly straightforward case – the defendant had already plead guilty, and Phoenix was only there to present some submissions on sentencing: the defendant was young, and this was his first offence, and it was only petty theft, and he'd only done it because his sick grandmother had been longing for Pink Princess merchandise.
But there they were, both standing at the bench opposite him.
Klavier, unusually, wasn't in his rock star outfit; in fact, his suit bore a strong resemblance to the spare Apollo kept in the back of his cupboard. He gesticulated violently at the other man, who was standing facing him with arms crossed. When Klavier paused, the other man took the opportunity to respond.
Edgeworth didn't wave his arms around wildly. He was, at least to the outside eye, calm and collected. He stood straight and still. His biggest gesture was lifting his hand to scratch his neck, which was bare today. Phoenix wondered where his cravat had gone.
Klavier interrupted Edgeworth suddenly, this time speaking loud enough for Phoenix to hear. "I'm sorry, Herr Edgeworth, but this is my case. I've been investigating it from the beginning."
"And I've made it quite clear that I'm to take all cases facing Mr Wright. This is my department, Gavin. It's my prerogative." Edgeworth crossed his arms again.
"What, so I'm supposed to just sit back and let you lose my case? I'm sorry, but that's unacceptable." Klavier waited a moment longer than was proper before adding, "Sir," with a surprising amount of disdain in his voice.
"Are you discounting my abilities as a prosecutor?" Edgeworth sounded calm and mild; Phoenix had to strain to hear him this time. But Phoenix knew better. He could see that vein ticking in Edgeworth's forehead, the same as when he'd discovered that Gold Samurai: Lost Prince of Neo Olde Tokyo was being cancelled in favour of a spin-off of American Idol. Edgeworth had tried to be calm that time, too. Moments later, he'd been screaming about how a reality tv competition to identify talented 5-10 year-olds was tantamount to child abuse, and he'd be sure to prosecute all of them for their evil, evil ways.
"No, sir, I'm just saying that someone of your good reputation," Klavier bowed, mockingly copying one of Edgeworth's favoured gestures, "would be better suited to a case where the evidence isn't so... how should I put this... genuine."
Phoenix winced slightly. He could already tell how poorly this was going to end. Edgeworth was looking ready to splutter a response, when a third voice, this one from above, interrupted the conversation.
"If everyone is ready, I feel ready to call this court to order," said the Judge. "Is the defence ready?"
"Yes, your honour," said Phoenix.
"Is the prosecution ready?"
Edgeworth and Klavier were both too busy glowering at each other to respond, so the Judge repeated the question.
"Yes, your honour," they both shouted at once, then glared at each other again.
"Which one of you is taking this case?" the Judge asked.
"I am," the prosecutors replied together.
Edgeworth subtly elbowed Klavier. "I'm a better prosecutor for this case than some goon riding a motorcycle," he informed the judge.
"At least I don't wear pink," Klavier replied, before attempting to show off his contrasting coolness with his patented air-guitar gesture.
"It's not pink," Edgeworth whispered softly, dangerously. Then he smiled. "On the other hand, at least I'm not usually dressed like a wanna-be rocker from American Idol Juniors."
Klavier raised an eyebrow. "I'm surprised you even know what the contestants on that show look like. I thought you were so upset over the cancellation of a children's show that you swore never to watch anything on that network again."
"Gold Samurai. Is. Not. A. Children's. Show." Edgeworth barely managed to speak through gritted teeth.
The Judge made a sound as though he was intending to object, then seemed to think better of it. Phoenix knew what he was thinking – he didn't want to risk these two turning on him, either.
"Well, I supposed that would give you something in common with the defendant, anyway. He is quite young; and apparently a fan of your favourite show." Klavier's voice was at its most mocking there. "In fact, I'm almost unsure why you'd take this case. Well, unless you're hoping the defence will give you some if you go easy on his client."
Edgeworth's cheeks went almost as pink as his jacket. Phoenix winced. They hadn't actually gone public with their relationship yet.
There was a loud murmuring from the audience. "Order!" shouted the Judge, enthusiastically banging his gavel. "Mr Gavin, I'm not certain if this is appropriate for the courtroom. If you two need time to sort out who's taking this case..."
Edgeworth spoke before Klavier had a chance to. "It's quite alright, your Honour. Mr Gavin's just hoping that his boyfriend will respect him more if he finally manages to beat Apollo's famed mentor."
"My boyfriend respects me just fine, Herr Edgeworth," Klavier said.
"That's not what I heard, Gavin," Edgeworth said mildly. "I hear how he shouts at you in the bedroom."
Klavier grinned. "Herr Edgeworth, I bet you wish Herr Wright screamed for you like that in your bedroom. The walls are quite thin, and yet I hear nothing. That's telling, yes?"
Edgeworth raised an eyebrow. "We simply waited until you were out. The sounds of you and Apollo, well, let's just say that Wright and myself are able to tell the difference between throes of pleasure and you crying after being beaten at Guitar Hero: Gavinners. Hearing a grown man scream and cry like that quite killed the mood."
"Trust me," said Klavier, now angry, "We would have been able to have our fun if someone's cravat hadn't jammed the washing machine, setting it on fire and destroying my best outfit."
"Which wouldn't have happened if someone else hadn't managed to accidentally managed to put in motorbike gas instead of washing liquid."
"Which wouldn't have happened if the first someone hadn't tried to hide my emergency petrol supply in the laundry."
"That was only because you insisted on driving the stupid machine which is extremely environmentally unfriendly, and leaves you smelling like gas, which then causes you to spend all night in the shower trying to wash the smell off. And failing."
Phoenix knew it was time to get involved, now, before both were so irrevocably tied to their position that neither would later relent. He hadn't heard of the laundry mishap, but he knew that he'd need one or the other to take responsibility – he couldn't afford a new washing machine.
"Objection!" he shouted. Everyone in the court turned to look at him, and Phoenix suddenly realised that he hadn't thought far enough ahead. He had no idea what to say.
"Yes?" said Edgeworth, tersely.
"Well, uh," Phoenix said, trying to buy himself time.
"We're interested in your input, Herr Wright," said Klavier.
"Um..." said Phoenix, "Maybe you two should just fuck already. Then you'd get along better. And then I won't have to spend the rest of the day listening to you two air all our personal lives in a very, very public courtroom."
Edgeworth blushed, then started to chuckle hopelessly. Klavier glared, but started laughing a moment after.
"You have a point, Herr Wright," said Klavier. "I apologise for my abominable behaviour."
Edgeworth glared at Klavier, then sighed. "I hate to agree with Gavin, but... I promise to make it up to you later, Phoenix."
After that, the case proceeded smoothly, and Phoenix thought that was that. At least until he arrived home. He opened the door, and found the same two prosecutors glaring at each other.
"I was trying to watch Pink Princess reruns; I don't need to hear your infernal racket."
"People prefer the glory of good music to those samurai shows, anyway. Isn't that why Gold Samurai was cancelled?"
Phoenix carefully, quietly closed the door before either of them noticed he was there, and backed slowly down the stairs, almost running into Apollo who was charging up.
Apollo rubbed his forehead, obviously confused. "Why do you look like you're running away from your own apartment, Mr Wright?"
Phoenix put a friendly arm around Apollo's shoulder. "So, how's the lawyering business going? Well, huh? So you're making lots of money? Have you ever considered maybe finding your own apartment?"