There are times in this immortal, meaningless life of mine when I feel I've made a mistake. Not that it's unusual; everyone makes countless mistakes in a lifetime – it's part of growth as a human being. However, this mistake I have made has cost me my eternal happiness. And the happiness of one who is irreplaceably dear to me.
After I had taken over Yuko's shop, guilt began treading over me. A fear and sorrow, which unceasingly occurs each time I watch Doumeki.
I watch him. Continually, I watch him move further and further away from me. He's making his way through life's hardships, and making plans for his remarkable future… While I reside here; waiting for a future that may – admittedly - never come.
He works hard for me without demand, yet I do nothing for him but merely sit and be waited on. On innumerous occasions, he has proven his loyalty to me, dedicating his everything to me. But in my weakness, I was too prideful to even say "thank you" in return.
Now that I think of it, perhaps this is a sort of karma at work here? Making up for all the time I slaved, as he does now. If so, karma does not take heed of emotions, as guilt once again plagues me. A constant reminder of my sickening, yet perhaps true nature: selfishness.
Upon recalling the mistake that I made, I could sense disappointment coming from Doumeki. A regrettable sense of loss was his dominating emotion; one which, although I could sense, I did nothing to reverse. To add to this guilt, in the end, I once again brought injustices to such a perfect, but aching man.
But I repeatedly give myself a reminder. After all, I chose this path for myself. I chose to stay and remain at this shop, as a part of this distancing world for eternity. I chose to merely watch Doumeki age, grow old, live the life he has chosen, and then die. I would simply be - without playing that important part of his life, one which I may never see, but have dreamed.
What I chose – I now realize – was selfish, uncaring, and senseless. For the one who has given me more than words can express, I have exchanged his happiness for a self-centered pipe-dream. Perhaps I was feeling overconfident in my decision for independence. Perhaps I was caught in the drama. If even I don't know, then who else can say, really?
And so - in all my pride, unwilling to change or admit my mistake - I continue my monotonous cycle of watching. He will move ever further, leaving me further behind. I never once imagined before that such a thought could be so unsettling.
If only I could walk with him. If I had chosen otherwise back then, what would become of us now? If I had chosen to age, grow old, and die with him, would I be happier? Would he be happier?
In essence, I put the blame on a sick twist of fate, and a wrong answer to a choice that was brought before me. Oftentimes, I question my past decision that caused this sad transformation, thinking that what's been done can never be erased – like it was inevitable.
And yet, sometimes I wonder if there's still time.
...I hope this fanfic wasn't too confusing. I (or Watanuki, rather) rambled quite a bit.
I apologize if this sounds whiny, but truly, I found the ending of xxxHolic to be very unfair. If Watanuki really cared about Doumeki, he would've never ended up as such a selfish character. And thus, my inspired fanfiction. I wrote this short fanfic as a lamentation of sorts. To sing of what could have been.