Note: I don't own anything. Title and lyrics from the Smashing Pumpkins song "Tonight, Tonight". Just a little drabble about what might be going on in Dean's head.
"Time is never time at all…"
Went the familiar lyrics that came from the stereo. Dean had heard this song before, he wasn't all that big on the Smashing Squashes or whoever, but he wasn't really intent on listening to the song anyway.
The way he saw it he had one option, say "yes". He didn't want to all that much, but he had to do something, God didn't care anymore, Cas was so heartbroken. He couldn't stand idly by and watch all the people he loved pointlessly fight and die for something he caused. No matter how hard he had just tried to not care, he couldn't do it. He realized he had made up his mind a long time ago, back when he went to the future. He had seen the devil in Sam's body murder himself. He wasn't going to give the devil the satisfaction, but he didn't want to give Zachariah the satisfaction of breaking him either. Fuck that douche. Dean had wanted to bond with Sam, at least for a little while longer, hopefully get it through his sasquatch brain that he was to never say "yes" to old Lucy. That way Michael could kill the devil and Sam would be intact, the world would hopefully be too. But just in case things didn't go according to the plan he wanted a backup. It wasn't much of one, mostly because it depended on the word of angels.
But Dean needed to know Sam wouldn't be harmed on purpose by the angels and that if something bad did happen to him, he went to heaven. Yea his heaven is my hell. Mine was full of family and his was full of other people, all the people that weren't me. He shook his head as if to erase that thought like his brain was an etch-a-sketch. Dean started to daydream about Lisa and Ben and how happy he wished he could have been. Fuck. That wasn't fair to lay on her. Shit. At least I hope she makes something up for the kid, my kid.
Dean had known the moment he saw him. He knew she was full of shit when she said Ben wasn't his. Gumby girl never could quite lie. Spotted her trying to hustle me a mile away. He cracked a small smile at the thought of his weekend with Lisa, the first time he actually spent more than a night with a girl. Then his smile slowly dissolved off of his face. What happened? Where did my life go? He shook his head again, erasing his latest fucked up sketch.
"we'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
we'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
the indescribable moments of your life tonight
the impossible is possible tonight"
Dean wanted nothing more than to just lie down and give up, he had no fight left in him, no soul left in him, but he couldn't. He had one last job to do and that was to save the world, or at least he hoped he was saving the world. Maybe that was an impossible task, but he damn sure was going to make it possible. Dean wiped away the stream of tears that was slowly travelling down his cheek, pushed down harder on the gas pedal and turned up the stereo to drown out the thoughts he didn't want to think.