Dramatic music plays as a map of Hyrule appears. The view scrolls in for a closer look at the castle. Inside the castle, the door to the throne room opens dramatically. My face appears at the door. I bark to make my presence known.
The voice of a young girl, much like an angel, says, "Come in."
As I walk into the room, the dramatic music stops abruptly. Then, everyone (by everyone, I mean just the princess and a few guards) notices I am wearing a pink tutu. How humiliating...
"Link, is that you?" the girl asks, giggling.
"No, my name is Epic!" I bark, puffing up my chest to look more impressive.
"How funny, you're wearing my tutu!" the girl points out and giggles.
"Well, Zelda, you should've know I was wearing your tutu since you are the one who put it on me," I say, trying to still look epic even with a pink tutu on.
Princess Zelda stands up from her throne, walks over to me, and helps me remove the tutu.
"Thanks, Zelda! I need to look as epic as possible and it was kind of hard while I was wearing your tutu," I say, shaking my fur.
"Your majesty, you are needed in the courtyard immediately!" one of the guards says, coming into the room pretty much as abruptly as the dramatic music stopped earlier.
"Can I bring Link?" Princess Zelda asks, pointing to me.
I grin and wait patiently for the guard to respond.
"Yes, you can bring Epic," the guard says.
I whisper to Princess Zelda, "I paid him to call me Epic."
"With what money?" Princess Zelda asks me, raising an eyebrow.
"Um, you do not want to know," I reply.
Princess Zelda puts me on a leash and drags me to the courtyard. Ouch, that hurt! Dramatic music plays as Princess Zelda enters the courtyard, but when I am dragged in, the music stops again. Darn you music!
"What is it you need from me?" Princess Zelda asks the people that are standing in the courtyard.
"We need to complain about something!" one person shouts.
"What is wrong?" Princess Zelda asks, looking very concerned.
"Someone's dog keeps getting out and stealing our turkey!" the person yells.
I hide behind Princess Zelda. Oh boy, I am in trouble now! Obviously, it was I who stole the turkey. Every single time. I mean, there aren't really any other canines around as far as I know. Also, turkey is yummy.
"Link, you're a thieve!" Princess Zelda cries out in response.
"Oh, I am so sorry, Zelda! I just wanted some turkey!" I say, trying to get away from the upset princess before I am caught under her royal tantrum.
The guard whispers to Princess Zelda, "Should we get your father out here to control this issue?"
Princess Zelda nods her head. I run and hide underneath the throne in the throne room with my tail tucked between my legs. After a couple of minutes, the throne I am hiding under lifts off of me and I am revealed.
"Please don't hurt me!" I howl, shaking in fear.
"Epic, we aren't going to hurt you. We are just punishing you so that you don't do it again. Go to the doggie time out chair!" the king says, gently but firmly at the same time. I guess being a king, you get used to doing two opposite things at the same time.
Oh, at least he remembered to call me Epic! I head to the doggie-time-out-chair-of-shame.
After my time out in the doggie-time-out-chair-of-shame I go to see Princess Zelda.
"Hey, Zelda! I think I need some attention!" I bark loudly.
Princess Zelda just looks at me and says, "Link, I still can't believe you stole someone's turkey!"
"Well, a dog has to eat when a dog has to eat. Can't change that," I say, trying to smile at Princess Zelda.
"True, but you could have gotten some dog kibble," Princess Zelda says to me.
"I would much rather eat human food. It is so much more appealing," I say.
Princess Zelda giggles and says, "I can't blame you for not wanting your kibble; I would much rather have real food too!"
"Yeah, especially a nice big juicy turkey!" I say, drooling.
Princess Zelda just glares at me.
"What?! You expect me to not ever eat turkey?!" I ask while licking my lips.
"Anyways... Where did you get that money from earlier?" Princess Zelda asks.
"Wait, what money?" I ask, even though I know what she is talking about.
"You know which money I am talking about!" Princess Zelda says.
"Okay, okay, don't be so rough on me. I got it from the village near the castle," I say finally.
"Link! Bad boy, I will have to keep you inside more often if you are going to do things like this!" Princess Zelda scolds.
"Aw, princess! What if I have to use the restroom?!" I whine at Princess Zelda.
"Can't you use the toilet?" Princess Zelda asks.
Her arms are crossed and she has a real serious look on her face. This doggy was toilet trained a few months ago!
"Yes, but I need an excuse to go outside, right?" I ask, tilting my head.
Princess Zelda does a face-palm. I sit there with my tongue hanging out of my mouth just watching her.
"Uh, Zelda? Are you all right?" I ask after awhile.
"Yes... Link... I am fine! You are ridiculous!" Princess Zelda says between giggles.
I sit up straight and then say, "Who is this Link you are speaking of? I never met him before! My name is Epic!"
Princess Zelda stops giggling to glare at me so I just make a silly face at her. It includes my eyes crossed and my tongue lolling out. Awkward silence falls in response.
"So... anyway, princess..." I say after stopping my silly face.
"You need to behave, Link... One of these days you might be really needed, but no one will ask you because they can't trust you," Princess Zelda says.
"Aw, princess! Give me a chance! I am still young! If I was a human, I would only be ten years old!" I complain.
"You are right, you are just a pup and I need to teach you right," Princess Zelda says, patting my head.
"Wanna take me on a walk?!" I ask, quickly changing the subject.
Princess Zelda does another face-palm, but grabs a leash and collar anyway.
"Oh boy! I finally get to pee!" I say happily.
I receive another face-palm for that one.
Thirty minutes later...
After a nice walk, I return to my bedroom to rest. I had a hard day with all those people trying to punish me... Maybe if I was good more people would like me and I could get bacon and eggs for breakfast like the humans do. I lay down on the bed diagonally. Unfortunately, since I'm still a pup, I don't hog up enough room, so I curl up in the very center of the bed instead. Princess Zelda comes into the room and sees me in the middle of her bed.
"Hello! I'm sleeping in your bed!" I say, rolling around to spread hair all over the fancy blankets.
Princess Zelda is trying to keep a stright face, but she can't help laughing at me. After that, I successfully fall asleep in a princess bed.
It is now the next day. I yawn and stretch before leaping out of Princess Zelda's bed.
"Zelda, where are you?" I call out, going down the spiral staircase.
No one is downstairs, but I can smell bacon!
"Mmmmm, where is that bacon?" I wonder out loud.
I find it up on the counter, and, of course, I take action! Can't let a good opportunity get away, now can I?
"Mine!" I bark as I jump up to grab the plate.
The plate flips over and the bacon lands right on my face. Victory! I gobble it up and wander outside.
"Oh, look, Zelda! I'm exiting the castle without permission!" I call out, hoping to get her attention.
It is raining outside when I step out. The dirt has turned to mud... Looks like a perfect day to me! I run straight for the mud and roll in it, getting my fur and paws extra slimy. Then, I lay down in the mud to wait for Princess Zelda to get back.
A few minutes later, Princess Zelda spots me outside and calls me in. I run in and place my muddy disgusting paws on her beautiful fancy princess dress.
"Link! Bad boy!" Princess Zelda screams. Apparently she doesn't like mud. Well, maybe she should have given me attention when I desired it!
I run and start slipping around the castle with my wet paws, spreading mud everywhere.
"Guards! Get Link! Take him outside!" Princess Zelda screams.
"I thought I wasn't supposed to be outside?!" I taunt Princess Zelda as I jump onto her royal couch.
Then, before I know it, a guard comes running in and snatches me up. He throws me out the door and locks it tight.
"Wait! Did you just kick me out of the castle?!" I ask, trying to get back inside, "I'm just a puppy! Come on!"
I am now all alone outside in the rain waiting for Princess Zelda to let me back in. Hours pass and no one opens the door so I howl. As much as I wanted to be outside, I also want quick access back into the castle! Especially since that's my source of attention!
"I guess they don't understand me as much as I thought they did... I am not Link! I am Epic!" I cry out, jumping onto a lower part of the roof.
I skitter along the rooftop.
"Wow, this roof is very tall!" I comment.
Finally, I reach it! The second lowest part of the roof! Yes, very great progress... I then climb higher and higher until finally I reach the roof of Princess Zelda's bedroom. From here, I can almost see all of Hyrule! I can identify a few places Princess Zelda told me about, Kakarico Village, Death Mountain, Hyrule Field, and there are many other places I don't quite recognize. I lay down and rest on the top of the world.
I wake up forgetting that I am on top of the castle which is a huge mistake.
"Waaaaahhhhh!" I scream as I plummet down from the roof.
I fall so quickly it feels as though my face is going to rip off. Then I land inside a box. It's very dark. I pop my head out of the box. Then I notice that I am moving!
'Where am I going?' I wonder.
The castle is moving farther and farther away. I lay back down in the box and wait for it to stop moving. It moves in a rolling motion that makes me feel sick. Because of this, I vomit in the box.
Hours and hours pass and the box is still rocking recklessly. My head hurts now, and I am beginning to get dizzy. I wish and long for the box to stop moving. Finally, the box stops. The box opens and is filled with blindingly bright light. I look up and blink, trying to figure out where I am.
"Aww! You bought me a puppy?!" a young girl asks, squealing for joy.
"Uhh... um.. yeah!" a man answers nervously.
"Hello, who are you people?" I ask them. They don't smell familiar at all!
"And it talks?!" the girl asks excitedly.
"Yeah, I bought you a talking puppy," the guy says, trying to convince the girl.
"My name is Epic!" I introduce myself to the strangers. Hah! They'll never know that my real name is Link! This could be great!
"Nice to meet you little puppy!" the girl says, lifting me from the box.
"Alright, let me tell you... I fell from a high place, landed in a box, got jostled around for hours, and now you are picking me up?" I ask, trying to figure out why she'd want to do that.
"I'm gonna take you to my house." the girl says and she walks away holding me.