"Mac," Harm said, glancing out of the hotel window, "Can we, uh, table this till some other time?"
"Yeah, sure. That's sounds like a great idea," Mac responded, not hiding the irritation in her voice. "But you know at some point we're going to have to take this conversation up," she continued, wringing her hands over the table, "because the way things are now neither one of us can move on, and neither one of us is getting any younger."
Harm's eyes rose briefly from the table to look at her, but he couldn't maintain the contact, and he looked down again. Mac was clearly annoyed, and she sighed deeply.
"Did I just say that out loud? Maybe I do need therapy," she said sarcastically and dropped her face into her hands, sighing again.
Mac rose abruptly from her chair, the legs making a slight screech from the motion. Harm lifted his head at the sound, catching the blurred image of her toned legs as she passed in front of him. He watched as she paced back and forth at the edge of the bed. His head rolled to the side in slight annoyance.
"Mac," he started, drawing out her name.
Her pacing halted, her back to him. She brought her hands behind her head and threw it up, closing her eyes and lifting her chin to the ceiling. What a mess. The lines had blurred so much that Mac felt she could no longer see a clear picture. Was she being too hard on Harm?
Maybe now wasn't the time to push, but she knew he wasn't being completely honest with her about his feelings. They were stuck in an endless cycle where nothing was ever resolved, and Mac felt like she was drowning in a washing machine. Her frustration, tamped down for years, had boiled over.
"God, Harm!" she cried. "I can't be here with you anymore!"
Harm sighed. Didn't he just try to table this? They had started this conversation so many times before and neither of them had ever been able to steer it very well. He was fighting to keep his emotions in check, afraid to lengthen his already long list of regrets in his relationship with her.
He certainly regretted not being able to talk her out of coming to Paraguay in the first place. He was her partner, not Webb. If he was honest with himself, he was jealous. It hurt him deeply to see her bond with him. Her trust in the CIA agent infuriated him and made his stomach twist into knots. And then to see her kiss him…, he didn't even want to think about it. Of course he was irritable!
Clearly, Webb had put her in danger, and yet he was on the receiving end of Mac's compassion and sympathy. How could she accuse Harm of not keeping things simple when she was the one complicating everything? Hell, she had asked him once if he would be willing to give up his career to have her, and here he was, willingly career-less, believing his actions would speak volumes. Yet, once again they seemed to be on different pages, falling so easily into their well worn roles in this dance.
"Can't handle the heat, Marine?" he quipped. There was the smallest hint of a tease, and deflection, in his response.
Mac snorted a short laugh. Did he really think she meant Paraguay? As suffocating as their shared space had recently become, she was still referring to their emotional rut. Of course, she should have known better by now than to expect a change in location to inspire Harmon Rabb Jr to express his feelings. Hands still raised overhead and eyes closed, she slowly turned to face him.
"I'm not talking about this hotel room."
Harm felt his mouth go dry at the sight of her standing in front of him. Her eyes were closed, in annoyance he knew, but for a moment he could imagine it was out of pleasure. Her slender neck invited his touch and kiss. The subtle arch in her spine pushed her chest forward, and the thin material of her white shirt was just sheer enough to cause a surge of blood to his groin. His knees opened wider to accommodate his growth, and he couldn't suppress the mental image of her straddling him. She was intoxicating, and he couldn't help himself from rejoining the dance with her.
"Neither am I," his voice was low, the tease replaced with something more direct.
Mac opened her eyes, meeting his immediately. She watched the storm clouds gather in them, a look she had seen before at the most unpredictable times. It could always stop her in her tracks, and tonight was no exception. She suddenly became aware of the view she had been giving him. She dropped her arms to her sides, but didn't move to cover her body. Two years ago she'd had the impulse to ask, When you look at me that way, what do you see? Tonight she knew she didn't need to ask, the answer would be the same, I see a desirable woman. The thought made her gut tighten and her breath hitch.
Harm stood from his chair and slowly took the steps to meet her in the middle of the room. The foot of distance that separated them physically did nothing to mask the electrical charge between them. It made Mac's body ache. Resisting the seemingly magnetic pull, she took a small step backward. Harm followed, closing the gap Mac had tried to make.
"Mac, I don't think that I will ever feel about anyone else, the way that I feel about you."
"Ha, that's very flattering" she scoffed, unable to maintain eye contact. "One piece of advice though, don't share that with your new wife, she might not understand," she retorted flippantly, irritated by his vagueness and tired of the innuendos.
"Do you understand?" he asked. Surprisingly, he wasn't thrown off by her sarcastic response, and the stress in his question made Mac's stomach flip and her nerve endings buzz. She dropped her face into her hands briefly, then raised her head to meet his eyes.
"Harm, no woman wants to be a mind reader," she told him.
"I resigned my commission," he said, echoing their earlier conversation on the bed.
"I know." Mac continued to hold his strong gaze, but took another step back. Harm stepped towards her.
"I travelled 5,000 miles to find you," he echoed again.
"I know." Another step back for Mac, who was conscious that she was now only a few feet from the wall behind her. Harm moved forward again.
"And damn near got killed."
"I know," her voice was barely audible. Another step backwards.
Harm followed, and she searched his eyes for meaning. Was he going to say what she needed to hear, had needed to hear for a long time? They had saved each others lives over and over. Had made it through the toughest of times, both personally and professionally, together. Mac believed without question that he would never abandon her, and she felt equal loyalty to him. But even after all they had been through they had never moved forward. More than friends, but less than lovers. What was that called? There were words that needed to be said. Intentions that needed to be stated. Hadn't she just told him that?
"You know the reason," he finally said.
Mac went flush with anger. She flashed back to her desperate phone call to him from Dulles Airport. Harm had begged her to come to him, only to turn her away at his door. She had raced from upset and embarrassment to utter devastation and heartbreak. She was pissed at him, but she was also pissed at herself, because she knew he wasn't completely to blame. Mac had made half-hearted attempts to get off this ride, out of this dance, with him, but ultimately could never walk away. Harm was the poison she picked every time.
Ignoring the alarm bells in her head, she took a step closer to him. Almost nose to nose, the heat radiating between them was thick. Mac continued to ignore the warning in her head as she arched her back slightly, and pushed her chest into his. Harm's lips parted the intimate contact.
"You know what? Things are never going to work out between us," she stated, almost matter of factly.
Harm's face registered the defeat and confusion. Never was such a strong word, and not one that had ever been a part of this particular conversation before tonight. Even while they were romantically involved with other people, the door to their relationship had been left slightly cracked. For crying out loud, they hadn't even been able to keep it together at Mac's engagement party!
Before she left for this assignment, Mac accused Harm of only wanting her when she had one foot out the door. She was right. Deep down, he knew he always clung to the unspoken promise of possibility between them. He had done enough to keep that promise alive, but had never followed through, terrified of the risk. He had been willing to lose other women, but not her. The thought of Mac slamming that door shut squeezed his heart painfully, and he started to fear the direction they were headed. His head was telling him to backpedal, it was the safest bet to preserve the status quo. But then again, when it came to this dance with Mac, that reasoning had never really served him well.
"Why not?" he managed, his voice breaking slightly.
Mac took a deep breath.
"Because we both want to be on top," she explained. "And that is physically…," she gave a small pause, dropping her eyes to his mouth. She licked her lips slowly before meeting his eyes again and continuing, "…and emotionally impossible."
Harm's fists clenched and unclenched at his sides.
Mac knew she was pushing him to an ultimatum. She had been fairly confident that he would push back, that the threat would force him to act. But as they stood there in silence, she started to think she had overplayed her hand. Her throat constricted, and she broke their eye contact. She had pushed too far.
And then without warning, Harm was pushing, his hands to her hips, pushing her until her back met the wall. His right hand slid under the hem of her shirt, searing the skin in its path, and his fingers gripped her side holding her in place. His left hand flattened against the wall beside Mac's head. He brought his forehead to hers, and she instinctually tilted her head forward to brush her nose against his. The magnetic pull between them grew exponentially. Harm felt his groin harden further and swell against his jeans. Mac struggled to maintain an even breathing pattern as her desire dampened her shorts. Harm's mouth was torturously close, and her lips tingled with want.
She could feel his warm breath on hers as he pleaded, "You don't mean that."
Mac attempted to lift her hips towards his, but Harm forced them back into the wall. Frustrated by his control of their contact, she arched her back again and pushed her chest hard into his.
"I do," she whispered, egging him on.
Harm's reaction was swift. As his left hand moved to her rib cage, his right hand slid down from its position at her hips and then upwards past the bottom of her shorts to cup her bare skin, noting that she wasn't wearing any panties underneath. He lifted her left leg slightly and tugged her core flush with his own arousal. Mac stifled a moan at their shift in position. He pulled his head back slightly to regain eye contact with her.
"Look me in eyes, Mac, and tell me never."
Mac slowed her breathing. She closed her left hand around the muscled arm glued to her skin, and raised her left leg a little higher, allowing it to wrap behind him. She used it to pull his hips closer, a grin coming to her lips as she felt him swell again. It was the most physically intimate position they had ever been in, and it felt so much better than she had ever imagined.
Mac allowed her soft moan to escape as she ground her hips into him slowly but firmly, once…twice…three times.
Staring hard into Harm's dark eyes, Mac bit her bottom lip. "Nev…"
Before she could finish, Harm's mouth crashed into hers. Their kiss was rough and passionate, unleashing their emotional frustration just as much as their physical. Their tongues dueled, matching each other in a natural rhythm. Mac bit down on Harm's bottom lip, eliciting a deep groan from his throat. She drew it into her mouth, briefly sucking, before returning to their fervent kissing.
Harm lifted her right leg to wrap around his hips and rocked into her. Mac's fingers curled through his hair, grateful for the longer length he was sporting. She lost herself in the kiss, feeling as though she were simultaneously drowning as well as finally breaking the surface for air.
Desperate for their skin to make contact, Mac tugged at his shirt. Harm's mouth pulled away, and he let her rip his tank over his head before giving her shirt the same treatment. Their lips fused together in a frenzy once more and Mac's legs tightened their hold around him.
Harm brought his hands to either side of her face, cupping it gently as he slowed the momentum of their kisses. Mac's feet lowered to the floor to support herself, but Harm maintained the pressure of his body against hers. He dropped his mouth to her neck, the contrast of his soft lips and rough stubble sending shivers down her spine. He trailed his wet kisses to her ear, and nipped at her lobe. Mac's left hand splayed against the back of his neck while her right hand raked down his back and across his abdomen.
"I don't want to be on top, Mac," he growled into her ear, and then moved to capture her lips again. Mac's hands smoothed the hard planes of his chest, slid over the tops of his shoulders, and wound around his neck to deepen their kiss. His hands fell to her sides, unable to slow their caress of her bare skin.
Harm pulled away and rested his forehead on hers, trying to catch his breath again.
"We're partners. Equals," he panted. "Everything we've ever been through…" his voice trailed off and he lifted his head so his eyes could meet hers. He looked at her so lovingly that Mac felt her heart soften and she had to blink back tears. A thousand memories flooded their minds. There wasn't a single one, good or bad, life changing or just daily routine, that each other wasn't a part of in the last eight years.
"Things only make sense when we're side by side," he said.
Mac sighed deeply, her hands moving to hold his face between them. She brought her lips to his for a brief, but tender kiss.
"What do you want most?" Her tone wasn't accusatory as it had been that night on the Admiral's porch, but she hoped the question wouldn't slow Harm's momentum.
"What I want most, Mac…," he brought his hands waist. Trailing his fingers slowly up her body, swirling left and right to tease her. She swallowed and focused on her breathing, trying to regain her composure. Harm's hands cupped the sides of her face. Opening her eyes, she silently pleaded with him to finish his answer.
"…is to always be with you, side by side, face to face, like this…" he took a deep breath and let go, "I love you, Mac."
If Harm hadn't been holding her in place against the wall, Mac would have melted to the floor in a puddle. Her heart was bursting, and a wave of relief coursed through her body. Soft tears slipped down her cheeks, and Harm's thumbs reached to brush them away gently.
"Don't cry, Ninjagirl," he soothed, "Don't cry."
Mac laughed gently at his use of her old nickname, and slid her right hand over his left, holding it in place against her face. She turned into it slightly to kiss his palm. She met his gaze again, and her eyes turned more serious. "Its you, Harm," she whispered. "Its always been you," she licked the salty tears from her lips, "It will always be you."
Harm felt a heavy weight he hadn't even been completely conscious of lift from his chest. He couldn't remember why anything else had ever been more important than finishing this conversation, this dance, with Mac. He pushed his hands through the silky strands of her hair and passionately captured her lips again. Mac grabbed his hips and pulled him closer, wanting to feel him against her. Her hands found his belt buckle.
But Harm pulled back slightly, and sought to make eye contact with her again. Mac's first instinct was to complain, and her second was to panic. Was this regret? But any doubts she had were extinguished the moment their eyes met. There was no question, or second guessing in his gaze. He was acknowledging this pivotal moment. Eight years of longing, flirting, loyalty, and, most importantly, love, were culminating here. They were finally crossing a line that had both teased and terrified them. Mac kissed him slowly, but ardently, pouring her love into the action.
When she pulled away, she brought her hand to the side of his face. "I love you, too," she whispered, and it was a relief to finally say the words to him out loud.
"Now, Hammer, you big stud," she joked, "take me to bed or lose me forever."