The Headless Brigade
By Zoram Selrof
Chapter 1: Boilin' June
11:29 AM (Japan Time), Wednesday June the 22nd, 2012…
"… Alright. You better tell us what this is about."
"It better be important if you told all of us to come."
"It's gotta be a new Battle Chip!"
"Don't be so confident, Dekao – kun."
"You're right, Hikawa. This guy gets cocky."
"And what about you?"
"Guess you spoke too fast."
"Heh! It's gotta be the newest hip-hop hit!"
"Alright. Yaito – chan. Get to the point, will ya?"
"Don't be in a rush, Meiru – chan. I've brought someone and no-one along to explain things better!"
The students of Akihara Middle had gathered in Ayanokouji Yaito's manor garden: they were Hikari Netto, Hikari Saito, Ooyama Dekao, Sakurai Meiru and another 4 guys (each wearing their usual clothes).
"Alright, then… Hiro – chan! Confess!"
"What's with the "chan"? And confess what?"
"Akashi Hiro! Cha have someone and no-one!"
"What was that?"
Akashi Hiro was about Netto's height: his jet black hair was a mess, much like Netto's, and his eyes' irises were blue.
He wore a black sleeveless shirt, brown shorts and sandals.
"Dunno."
"Ahem, ahem."
"Ah! Eh… That's… Drake, ya see…"
"Hiro – kun. You've too much of a tongue."
"Oh come on! Tenishi Drake! Don't piss on me next."
Tenishi Drake could be about 5cm taller than Hiro: he also had black hair but his was smoother and similar to Saito's while his eyes' irises were sea blue.
He wore a white shirt with pictures of the "Triforce", jeans, blue socks and white sneakers.
He'd cleared his throat as if to recall Hiro's attention: he groaned and turned around to discuss with him.
"Tomono – chan! Where's your ever-elusive-non-ever might?"
"W-what was that? Yaito – san!"
"Tee, heh, heh. Noa – chan is annoyed."
"Sheesh."
Tomono Noa had neatly combed greenish hair and blue eye irises: he was closer to Saito in height.
He wore a grayish t-shirt with the motto "coolin' the summer off" written on it in a red font, blue shorts and sandals.
"Raffi – chan wants to bite!"
"Oh come on! Missy! Save me the nicknames, will cha? I'm Rafael and cha know that! Missy!"
Rafael's face had a hard-to-spot scar in the shape of the Alphabet letter "X" drawn above the nose: his eyes' irises were green and he looked youthful.
He had brown hair that spiked towards the rear too.
He wore a sleeveless green vest that was open, a bluish shirt beneath it, shorts and sandals.
"Tooru – chan! Let's make it through!"
"Don't make a pun on my name, Yaito – chan…!"
Hikawa Tooru appealed as being 7 or 8 centimeters shorter than Netto or Hiro: his hair was also chestnut brown in color and his eyes' irises shared a similar color.
"Alright! So! Come in!"
"De masu! Good morning, de masu!"
"Higure – san?"
"Higure – sama! De masu! I've brought forth salvation! De masu!"
"Salvation?"
Higure Yamitarou stepped in, grinning and carrying a wooden box with a lid that surely held something inside of it: he looked too cherry, even, so most of the group began to get skeptical.
"Yamitarou…" Number Man fumed from within his PET.
"Number Man – dono… What will happen?" Glyde asked him in a whisper yet loud enough to be heard.
"I've got a bad feeling about this." Roll sighed.
"Guts, guts?" Guts Man wondered.
"Desu?" Ice Man wondered next.
"When I say salvation, de masu… I mean it! De masu! What is the calamity assaulting us right now? De masu?"
"That is… taxes?" Glyde tried to guess.
"No, sir! Wrong, sir! De masu!"
"I am sorry!"
"The summer heat?" Dekao ventured.
"CORRECT! DE MASU! I knew that you had a bright scientific mind, Dekao – kun! De masu!"
"Oho!" He got cocky.
"Oh come on!" Everyone else (save Yaito herself) groaned.
"Guts? Scien-what mind? Guts? That a Virus? Guts?"
"No." Roll directed an annoyed glare at him.
"Uo~h! Guts Man annoyed Roll – chan! Guts Man is sorry! Guts!"
"Then be quiet." She ordered.
"So! To spirit away the evil summer, de masu…"
"Spirit away? Oh come on." Saito groaned.
"… I came up with a spelling overwhelming blessing device that…"
"We needn't those adjectives!" Drake complained.
"…will bring fortune and blessings to us. De masu."
"You done?" Number Man complained next.
"Don't be so impatient, my precious assistant. De masu."
"I'm not your assistant! I'm your pal!"
"How about you get into the main topic already?" Meiru sighed in annoyance.
"Oh course, Meiru – chan. Wait a min. I've got to memorize the vessel-unsealing spell. De masu."
"You've been seeing too many Harry Potter movies!" Number Man complained.
"I knew it." Netto sighed.
"Oh boy." Hiro sighed in defeat.
"Yo. Guys. What's with the mood?"
"Forte? Well. Higure – san and his silliness."
"Oho."
"Grawl."
Forte joined the Navis in the mansion's Cyber World: his cloak was on but since he now kept the upper edge around his neck one could see his permanent grin: he was followed by a smaller version of the "Gospel" beast but which was at least one meter and eighty tall.
"By the way! Wouldn't you know? De masu."
"What?" Everyone (save Yaito and Guts Man) asked.
"I've been promoted to Deliverer of Grace! De masu!"
"Oh come on."
"Not bad." Forte grinned.
"Cha be quiet." Roll scolded.
"OK, missy, OK." He shrugged.
"So! Let us get on the move! De masu! I shall now summon the non-malefic non-evil non-repellent blessing! De masu!"
"YAMITAROU~!" Number Man got pissed off for real.
"Maha – shaha – rasha – aha – taha~h!" He improvised some kind of spell as he spun his arms and legs around in a random manner.
He opened the lid and drew what looked like a self-assembled fan made entirely of wood and having no visible wire but an iron bar came out of its back.
"If you want to sweat and cool here's your answer! De masu! The Super Cooling Cooler of Cools Fan! De masu! It wastes no electricity so it's ecological! De masu!"
"Oh come on."
"Hah, hah, hah! Not bad!" Forte laughed.
"So! It's for free, de masu!"
"I want one." Yaito grinned.
"Delighted! Here you have this prototype! De masu! More will eventually come and I will be regarded as a - SAVIOR! De masu!"
"Excuse me, Yaito – sama. There is a gentleman who desires to speak with everyone. His name is Zataki – sama."
"Zataki – san? He came back from overseas, huh?" Hiro looked intrigued at the fact.
"Let him in."
"Roger."
"… Huff, huff… Good morning."
"Good morning."
"… Everyone's here, then…"
"Huh? Is something the matter?"
"W-well, that's…"
"Sheesh. Boss. Cool it down."
"How can I?"
"Alright, you've got a point."
"Omega? What's going on, man?"
A man rushed into the garden, panting and looking like he'd come running all the way here.
The man, Zataki, looked like he was on his mid-twenties.
His hair was colored jet-black and his eye irises were brown.
He looked like a typical salary-man at a first glance.
"Well. Give me a minute… I'll explain things."
"Fine."
Omega was a Navi who'd come into the Cyber World.
A blue jewel shaped like an inverted triangle was set on the forehead of his helmet which was emitting a cross-shaped flash.
His eyes' irises were blue and they displayed seriousness while long blond hair came out from behind him and reached until the floor.
He had a red vest over his mainly black body and red armor over his forearms and boots: two golden circlets were set around his forearms and on his boots as well.
"I'm sorry if I spoil the mood yet…"
"Alive escaped?" Netto tried asking.
"No. It's not Alive or Keitai. It's a new foe altogether. I had some close encounters overseas with the guy and claimed that he'd do some crimes in this area. So I rushed here, fearing that the guy would beat me to it despite the alerts I issued." He explained with a sigh.
"I had noticed that the "Committee" looked nervous and tense: they seemed to mistrust all around them, even." Drake muttered as he seemingly recalled.
"So? Who is this rascal?" Forte asked.
"He goes by the name of Night Baron… You know, the one in Detective Conan… And uses proxy Navis that look like the Night Baron… He seems to be somewhat of a mix of Ganondorf and Girahimu too…"
"A mix of Ganondorf and Girahimu? That a first." Hiro muttered.
"Yeah. I say that because while he uses the name Ganondorf, at the same time he says he's the Demon Tribe Chief."
"What an odd mix." Meiru commented.
"I know. The guy was the random type too. Too random, even."
"So we should be on the lookout for those Navis."
"Yeah. He had an obsession with them so he'll surely keep on using those from time to time. Keep your eyes open. Don't go anywhere without having security close by. I equipped them with means to counter "Dimensional Converters"."
"Should I tell the Hunters' Guild?" Drake offered.
"Do so."
"I should warn Serenade and his disciples then." Forte guessed.
"Alright. We won't be caught with the pants down. We can't lower the guard: the type was the type that could kill and laugh at it. In short: a fanatic leftover."
"Leftover…? Of what?" Yaito asked.
"The "Secret Empire", obviously enough…"
"Oh heck." Yaito gasped.
"What terror!" Glyde gasped next.
"Sorry." Vadous sighed.
"You're not to blame, Zataki – san… We're mature enough to know that things won't be peaceful forever." Netto encouraged.
"We can try to forget and enjoy the summer nevertheless. But keeping some guard up, too." Saito told him.
"Alright. I must leave immediately. I have a meeting with the "Committee"… If anything pops out then you can send me a message to this email address… Omega! Dispatch it."
"Roger."
"Take care, Zataki – san."
"Thank you. Sorry for spoiling the mood yet…"
"My blessings will bring blessed lords! De masu!"
"I fail to see the point, Mr. Higure, if there's any to begin with. I'm not in the mood for randomness after hearing so much crap coming from that rascal. Who's looking after the store, anyway?"
"Store…? A~H! DE MASU~! HIGUREYA'S CLOSED! I MUST SELL OR ELSE DOOM SHALL DESCEND UPON MY MIGHT! DE MASU~! GOTTA HURRY BACK! MASU~!"
Higure ran out at top speed while leaving the fan behind: Vadous frowned upon seeing it and like he couldn't believe what he was seeing: he came closer to see it.
"Who'd want this thing?"
"Me?" Yaito giggled.
"Sheesh. You surely want it to show off, miss. Let's go, Omega. The sooner we meet with the "Committee" the better."
"Roger, Boss. Later."
Zataki rushed out while the group sighed but then shrugged as if deciding to ignore the grim news for the time being.
"Oh well. You know what? Let's not let that spoil the summer or they'll get away with it. We just need to keep an eye out from time to time." Netto tried to rally the others.
"Yeah. I agree."
"Alright! Time for Fun City!" Hiro laughed.
"That name is a parody of the "Glitch City" in the first PKMN games: I mentioned it some weeks ago." Saito sighed.
"Raf is gonna decorate Tomono's house with frescoes." Forte laughed at his joke.
"Oi, oi…" Rafael complained.
"Not again." Tomono sighed.
"It's time to play pinball… Using the Morph Ball!"
"How original. There's already a Metroid pinball game." Drake countered while fuming.
"I'm gonna be the Emperor Upon The Village!" Dekao laughed.
"Why do I feel a déjà vu upon hearing that?" Meiru sighed.
"Maybe because his head is filled with sand?" Roll suggested.
"That wouldn't surprise me." Hikawa drily muttered.
"Wha~t?"
"Oi! Fatman! Did cha start the diet or fainted upon seeing the written rules on the fridge's door?" Yaito laughed.
"YIKES!"
"Looks like that's the case." Saito calmly guessed.
"W-wrong! Someone's aiming to make fun of me!"
"And who would that "someone" be?" Netto tried asking.
"The evil conspirer of doom and disgrace! Higure – san always says it brings ill luck to his store!"
"Sheesh. Higure – san seems to live in the Moon half of the time. Does he even know what day is it today?" Rafael asked.
"Well, well… Maybe he thinks that it's Friday the 13th, even. Don't you think so, Gospel Jr.?" Forte snickered.
"How original. Coming from cha." Roll sighed.
"Guts, guts?"
"Grawl?" "Gospel Jr." didn't seem to get a single word.
"So! Let the Joking Trolling Summering Summer begin!"
"Too long." Everyone (save Yaito and Forte) sighed.
"Guts, guts? What's going, de guts? Let's go bust Viruses, de guts. The guts will beat the non-guts and guts the guts, de guts."
12:39 PM (Japan Time)…
"… Sweet enchanting fragrance that…"
"More spam? What's with the filters?"
"They need to be updated every a few days. You know that, Meijin."
"I knew that, Gate Man, yet… Why do they send perfume spam to me of all people? Send it to some girl."
"Not my problem."
"I'm not saying you're to blame, Gate Man, yet… Sheesh."
Meijin was grumbling after he opened an email and contained spam in the form of a sound-only perfume advert: he began to talk with his Navi, Gate Man, complaining over why they reached his inbox.
"Attention please. The Lord of Nothingness has arrived. All personnel greet His Grace on the lobby." The speakers announced.
"Forte again?" He groaned.
"Odd. I can't seem to spot the guy anywhere despite installing sensors there and there… Oi! Zero! Did you find something?"
"No. I'm assigned to watching over the west wing Cyber World firewalls and no – one suspicious has crossed through. We did check that every Navi was real, had a valid permission and all." Zero replied back.
"Alright. Who stole my cane?" Someone complained.
"Cane? Dunno." Meijin inwardly muttered.
"The Non Lord of Non Nothingness, Your Grace."
"It had to be the rascal! My blood's boiling!" Someone who sounded like an old man complained.
"Security… What's going on?" Meijin picked the phone from his desk and dialed an internal number.
"We're trying to figure it out, Meijin. Who's in the PA room?"
"Mando… Hey! Mando! What are you doing, napping like that? Leaning the head atop the console…? Wake up, man!" The guy in charge of security complained.
"It's useless! I'm nothing!"
"There's a weird Navi inside of the console…"
"I'm going there." Zero announced.
"Fine. I've got the feeling it's not your run of the mill type. And this cup of coffee has a weird smell to it… Like they'd added something else… You're not gonna tell me someone drugged Mando to then hack into the PA console, right?"
"Forte can't do that to begin with, Sokono."
"Then… Who?"
"That doesn't sound like something someone of the staff would do either, so…! It must be an outsider…"
"Who goes there?" Zero questioned.
"Ah! Major Zero. About time."
"GHGHAKGHFKSH!" Zero growled something undecipherable as if he hated that nickname.
"No wonder." Meijin sighed.
"Did you find GW?"
"Who the hell are you?"
"Your worst nightmare: AVG Anti Virus!"
"Don't tell me." Zero was unimpressed.
"Too bad. Major."
"I'm not a Major!"
"My script says you are."
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm like you. I've got no name."
"Oi! Don't rip off Gray Fox's motto." Meijin complained.
"Meijin! About time you showed up, too. Did you like my advert? I made it especially for you~…"
"Charmed." He drily replied.
"My. What dryness. Summer, summer… That's why I prefer winter. People aren't so dry. They're wet. In a sense. Heh, heh, heh."
"Oh come on." Meijin groaned.
"What's your name? Answer me!" Zero grumbled.
"Before that…"
Meijin's PC beeped and a screen popped out before it triggered "full screen mode": it displayed an overhead camera in the PA center Cyber World where Zero was facing something off-camera.
"Let's allow our shogi master to witness."
"Shogi master? Oh come on."
"Beware! The advent of… Higure – sama!"
"Sheesh. Not Higure again. He's in the Moon!" Meijin sighed.
"Alright! I'm the Night Baron! You can tell Omega. Let's see how much he and Vadous will begin to sweat!"
"So you're the famed Night Baron. We were expecting you." Zero wasn't impressed.
"Oho. So Vadous didn't waste the time. Excellent. Were it not like this then I wouldn't get in the mood…"
"Charmed." Meijin grumbled.
"Sheesh." Gate Man complained.
A Net Navi stepped forward.
This Navi wore a black suit along with a black necktie, a blue cloak that was open, a tall neck, a top hat and a white drama mask that had a creepy smile drawn on it and two creepy eyes as well.
The Navi could be over a meter and eighty tall, maybe closer to a meter and ninety tall.
"So. Major. How about you tell Obama what to do?"
"I don't want to have anything to do with Major Zero of Metal Gear Solid: how many times do I need to say it?" He grumbled.
"Heh, heh, heh. Beware, foolish sinner… The roads are filled with lust and sin and shall lead you to disgrace and demise."
"What's that? A parody of a Sengoku era motto?"
"Who knows? Ask someone and no-one."
"I'm fed up with that joke already. What do you want?"
"To bring tension to the place."
"Lovely."
"Ain't it, my chum enchanted by Dr. Wade?"
"Who's Dr. Wade?" Zero demanded next.
"You'll have to wait a few days to find it out."
"I guess it's a dead end to begin with." Meijin guessed.
"Took classes from Kudo Sr. on how to deduce?"
"Sheesh."
"Mr. Smiles says you must smile triple the time you do."
"And if I don't want to? Then what? He'll force me to?" Meijin shot back, unimpressed.
"Maybe yea maybe nay. Ask Dr. Wade."
"I'm going to cut you up to pieces. Now and here. You're but a proxy to begin with."
"Try it, Major."
Zero didn't reply and merely swung his saber in all eight directions to create 8 emerald sonic booms: they all cut through the Navi and sliced it up into pieces that deleted themselves.
"As I was saying…"
"Oh heck."
Another identical Navi showed up of apparently nowhere right behind Zero so he spun around.
"Or, as I was saying…"
"Another?"
"Or, as we were saying…"
"How many of them are here?"
"We're the Octagon Brothers: cleverer than Shadow's Hexagon Brothers!"
8 identical "Night Baron" units had formed in the spot and surrounded Zero who grumbled under his breath: there was a grumble behind him and he spotted Omega, who'd come in, and looked pissed off.
"You bastard…" He hissed.
"Did you like my Virus Cannon? It makes you feel pain like never before: did you savor it, Red God of Destruction come from 6666 BCE?"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"Heh, heh, heh, heh. See you around and beware of flying donuts!"
They all vanished all of a sudden and Omega grumbled: Zero fumed and looked annoyed with the whole deal.
"Shit. If this is but a teasing of what's to come then we're in deep shit: as if we didn't have enough headaches! Man!"