Currently, this is my favourite piece that I've ever written. I think its poetic and sad yet happy at the same time. I will update 'Mother Crashes' soon but I couldn't wait to post this one. I'm really hoping for lots of reviews. So, let me know what you think.
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I guess I wasn't thinking that day.
That day that everything changed for everyone else.
But, maybe even if I had been, I still would have done the same.
It all started the day he died.
I got that fatal call as I sat on my bed doing my trigonometry homework. How I was glad, high school would soon be over and we could begin the rest of our lives together.
Nevertheless, sitting on my bed, I heard the phone ring.
The grave words made it to my ears in moments and I couldn't even cry.
Not right away, at least.
Day 1; I felt numb. I was just trying to process what had just happened. Had I really lost him, was he really gone from my life? Could I live with the desperate need to be held by him always coming over me?
Day 2; I ached. My chest felt heavy. My heart pounded harder and faster than I've ever experienced, and I hated it. I hated not having him with me. I wanted the world to go back to the way it was, without my tears dripping to the floor.
Day 3; I cried. Everything unraveled faster than humanly possible. It unraveled for love. The tears, they came rolling down my face with urgency, urgency for him. Oh how I wanted him to stand at my door soaking from the day's rain and pull me into a hug, kiss me with a fiery passion, and tell me that, without a doubt, he loved me. That he would always love me, no matter what; forever and ever.
Day 4; I felt lost. I was lost. The only person in my whole life that understood every complexity that I was had vanished. The only person who loved me, even though I was a confusing mess that was often mystified by simple beauties had disappeared. My perfect life was withering away and the more I tried to pull it back together the faster it ran, only to end up nowhere, and not found.
Day 5; I stayed in the corner. The corner became my solitary. The dark pooled around my unlit room as the music of our song blared through the air on repeat. The noise so loud I couldn't hear my own chest heaving for air in between the gasps and sobs that were torn from my shattered body.
Day 6; The white walls. I watched them with all the elegance I could muster. The whiteness washing, blending, and blurring together. Yet it was only a wall. A plain, white, and simple wall of nothingness, yet all I could do was gaze at it wondering why I was being punished.
Day 7; I smiled. Although, my soul begged to cry, I smiled. Even though it had rained the whole week since I found out he had died and left me, I smiled. While he still hadn't come back to me, to hold me in his arm, I had found peace.
I guess I wasn't thinking.
Maybe if I had been, it wouldn't have ended the way it did.
Although, I don't think I would have changed it any other way.
It was pouring. Not a drizzle, that tickles as it hit your uncovered skin. No, this was a full on pour. It splashed as it landed on the hard surfaces of buildings and cars. The groves and slight holes in the ground filled with the sky's water, the sky's tears.
The sky was crying for his death, and I was smiling at the fury of the world, while I had found peace.
I had been sitting at the window, in his spot. Hoping I might be able to see him again. That maybe if I concentrated hard enough he would appear to me, but he didn't and I didn't see him.
The rain made me cry, again.
Despite my peace, they won their way down my cheeks.
I felt like I need air.
I felt like I needed out.
I was suffocating, being smothered by an invisible pillow.
The clock showed 4:23 am.
I opened the window slowly, and silently climbed out.
Standing on the roof of the garage, I stared at the heavens, wishing him to me.
The rain engulfed me, soaking me dark with heavy wetness.
It washed over my cheeks and down my neck, pattering on my face with an ice like feeling.
I staggered down and ran.
I ran and ran.
The only sound was the rain splattering around me.
The wind nipped at my ears.
Despite my tears, that same smile crept on my face.
We were going to have it all.
Do everything.
Love, Marriage, Kids, Traveling, Life…Growing old together.
But his life was cut short.
Ripped from my hands, and yet as I ran in the pouring rain that froze my body to the core, I smiled.
I smiled to the streets, I smiled to the misery, and I smiled to him.
Some might say that I was insane, that his death made me lose it.
Maybe, I was.
But I didn't feel like that.
I felt as sane as I ever could be.
Only the lovers would know what I was experiencing.
That even though he may not be here with me, that I might not be able to see him, hold him, kiss him, love him, he isn't gone from me.
He will always be in my heart.
Maybe that's how I ended up chasing a car.
Running to the graveyard, only to frown upon his grave.
I dropped to my knees before his head stone.
The letters carved in elegant beauty, deep groves wrote his name in grace.
His eyes.
They floated into my sight.
The darkness they held, yet so glorious.
So full of love that was only for me.
The phrases of Spanish he would repeatedly whisper to me, took the place of the wind in my ears.
The Spanish words of love.
The way he would curse his god for my beauty, for my touch.
He loved me.
More than anything in the world, he loved me.
And more then anything in the world, I love him.
My heart cracked suddenly.
Pain shooting through my body.
My hands clutched the muddy ground under my shins, as the pain quickly filled my veins like thick concrete.
I slumped forward, waiting to feel the freezing rain nipping at my skin.
I didn't though.
The second I fell limp against the ground, it ceased.
The rain that had poured down for the week since his death stopped.
The sky had quit weeping.
And death overcame me.
In the dirt and grass that lay before the headstone of my love, I died.
Leaving my body, as an empty shell.
My heart had shattered.
Crystallizing like glass in a bloody mess.
I was living proof that you can die of heartbreak.
Although, my heart didn't break because I lost him.
But because I had finally found him.
I saw my drowned mess lying on the ground as I stood in all my ghost like glory.
I felt his hand slip into my mine; it was warm against my dampness.
I looked up to see his face again, his smile shinning brightly, just like I remembered.
My love was finally with me.
I had found him.
I thanked the rain for it; I thanked the grave for it.
I thanked the world for it.
I guess if I had been thinking that day I would have thought of the mess I'd made.
How my mom would cry over my death, how my family would still set a place for me at the table for a month before coming to terms that I wouldn't be coming home.
How CeeCee would cry and Adam would have a tear itching in his eyes.
How Gina and Grandma would fly out just to be at my funeral.
How Paul would search through his plastic box over and over again in search of a way to bring me back, with no success.
How Father Dominic would smile sadly and say, "She died for love."
But I wasn't thinking that day, not of my death.
But of us, reunited again.
"I love you, Querida," he whispered to me.
We disappeared into the rising sun, hand in hand.
Jesse and I, forever and ever, again…
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