Experiment #914: "The Stolen Smile"
By Laurie LeBlanc and Kevin Farley
Disclaimer: All the characters of "Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?"
are copyright Dic Productions and Broderbund Software. Carmen
Sandiego is a registered trademark of Broderbund Software. All
the characters of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are copyright
Best Brains, Inc. They're all used without permission.
Yes, we do love the animated Carmen series, but this episode
is not that good at all. And we figured what better way to
express our dislike than to do a MSTing of it.
As for Carmen being there...she's suffering, sorry to say.
To distinguish her in the theater from Carmen in the
episode, the dialogue and actions will be headed: Screen Carmen.
Also, the script of "The Stolen Smile" is not complete. There
are some lines omitted or paraphrased, though the general
script is in tact. We also realize that this wouldn't be
a full MST3K episode either, but numbered it #914 to put it
in the ninth season.
(Warning: This fic is rated PG for language.)
(theme song, followed by all 6 theater doors closing)
(Zoom in to Mike with Crow and Tom Servo)
Mike: Hey everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Lo-
(crashing noise followed by the room shaking)
Crow: What was that?
Mike: I'm not sure, but I'll go see. (exits)
Mike (from off camera): Are you ok?
(There are some clanging sounds followed by a female
voice replying.)
Female voice: (off camera) I...I think so.
Mike: (off-camera) We'll make sure you're just fine, Miss...?
Female voice: (off camera) Sandiego. I'm Carmen Sandiego...and
you are?
Tom: (shouting to Mike) HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON?!
Mike: (off-camera) HANG ON A SEC! Guess I'd better get back to
the guys and you can explain everything to everyone. I'm Mike Nelson,
by the way.
Carmen: (off camera) Nice to meet you, Mike.
(Enter Mike with a shaken up Carmen [sporting her standard
outfit] behind him.)
(Robots look surprised.)
Tom: You're...you're...
Crow: Wait, how...
Carmen: I can explain, but before I do...who are you two? (points
to each robot)
Tom: Oh yeah, that would be good to know. Well, I'm Tom Servo- chick
magnet.
Crow: And I'm Crow T. Robot, the intellectual one.
Carmen: Mmm hmm. And that camera in front of us...?
Mike: Oh, that's just Cambot. Go ahead and wave.
(Carmen waves with a confused look on her face.)
Carmen: So, is that everyone?
Mike: Well...almost....
Carmen: I take it there's something more I'm going to need to know.
Crow: We'll fill you in, but first, your story!
Carmen: Very well. In my lab, there's a professor who works
on new gadgets for me that assist me in my capers. She was
testing out some kind of transport glider that somehow
ended up crashing into the door of this satellite.
Mike: Good thing the professor gave you a helmet and
air tank, huh?
Carmen: Indeed.
Mike: Well, no real damage was done. And just as
long as you're ok-
Carmen: I'm fine. Was it ok just to leave the equipment
over there?
Mike: Sure.
Crow: (taps Mike on the shoulder and whispers in his ear)
Hey Mike, think she could get us outta here?
Mike: (whispers back) Not sure, but it wouldn't hurt to ask.
Crow: Hey Carmen, we were just wondering-
(Mads light flashes.)
Mike: Rats, Pearl's calling.
Carmen: Pearl?
Mike: You'll see- it's not a good thing. (looks outward)
Hey Pearl, what's up?
(cut to Castle Forrester where Pearl and Brain Guy
look on.)
Pearl: Mike...(suddenly looks a bit confused)
wait, you've got a guest there...
Brain Guy: (eyes wide) Pearl! We could have trouble!
Pearl: How-
Brain Guy: (pulls Pearl aside and whispers) Pearl,
Mike's "guest" is none other than Carmen Sandiego.
She's a thief known to escape any prison she's
put in. If she could escape-
Pearl: (eyes widen with realization and she whispers
her reply) You mean, she could help Nelson
and the tinkertoys escape?
Brain Guy: (whispers) Exactly.
Pearl: We can't let that happen!
Brain Guy: And have I got an idea. Send them
a video of her most horrid caper!
Pearl: And that helps...how?
Brain Guy: (growls at Pearl's lack of understanding)
Don't you get it? If we make her suffer through her
own caper, it may make her weak enough to abandon
thoughts of her escaping. Besides, we need time to
figure out a way to get her off so that she won't
come back in any sort of rescue attempt.
Pearl: Hey, sure, make 'em ALL
suffer! (to everyone on SOL) Hey there,
have I got a treat for all of you. In honor of your
guest, I dug up a caper of hers on video that
was quite...well, forgettable.
(cut to Satellite of Love)
Carmen: Oh no, she can't mean-
(Castle)
Pearl: I do! Hey Brain Guy, dress Carmen up in
proper attire and send 'em all (chuckles
wickedly) "The Stolen Smile!"
(SOL)
Carmen: Oh no...(looks a bit green)
(Castle)
Brain Guy: One jumpsuit coming-
(SOL)
Tom: WAIT!!
(Castle)
Brain Guy: What is it now?
(SOL)
Tom: Look Brain Guy, we just have one request. I know
Carmen's color is red, but don't give her a red jumpsuit.
There's been one human who's worn one here and we'd
like to...you know, retire the color.
Carmen: This person must have been really special to you then.
Crow: Yeah. His name was Joel Robinson and he was the guy who did make us.
Carmen: Oh, I see.
Tom: Yeah, good ol' Joel. (chuckles and pauses) You know, he gave
us the stupidest good-bye message.
Crow: He did! And remember, he made those silly inventions...
(both laugh hysterically and then pause and look at
each other. Then they look sad.)
Tom and Crow: WE MISS JOEL!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!
(Mike gives each 'bot a hug.)
Mike: (wonders out loud) Think
they'd care this much if I left?
Tom: (sniffling) Maybe Mike but-
(castle)
Pearl: HEY! Tinkertoys! SHUT UP!
(SOL)
Tom and Crow: (still sniffling) O...k.
(castle)
Pearl: So Brain Guy, pick another color to shut 'em up.
Brain Guy: Will do, Pearl. If I remember correctly, Carmen did wear
one brown outfit, so...(uses his powers and the sound effect
plays.) There you go.
(SOL)
(Carmen's clothes change into a light brown jumpsuit and hat. Under
the jumpsuit is a red turtleneck.)
Mike: Oh man, I see they've dressed you for the movie Carmen. You get
used to such clothes after awhile, trust me.
Carmen: (looking over her new attire) I...uh...hope so.
(Castle)
Pearl: NOW SEND THE MOVIE!
Brain Guy: Oh, of course! (uses his powers as sound effect plays)
There.
(Suddenly the movie lights flash and the alarm sounds.)
Mike and 'bots: WE GOT MOVIE SIIIIIIIIIIIGN!
(Carmen looks confused. Tom and Crow dash off.)
Carmen: What do I-
(Mike grabs her by the hand.)
Mike: C'mon, we gotta get into the theater! (Mike
runs off, dragging Carmen behind him.)
(Theater door opens followed by doors 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.)
(Mike enters carrying Servo. Behind him is Crow followed by Carmen.
Crow sits down in the far right seat, Mike sits in
the next seat and places Servo on the
chair to his left. Carmen sits down next to Servo.)
(A little note, we're using the video, therefore the Fox theme
precedes the episode.)
(20th Century Fox theme.)
Mike: Star Wars?
("Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?" theme song begins.)
Mike: Guess not.
(A live-action boy is sitting at his computer. He moves his
mouse onto an option on the screen that reads "Acme Headquarters." There
is a blue flash of light and the Chief appears on the
screen with a blue background behind him.)
Carmen
That screen should be pink.
Tom
Pink?
Chief: Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?
Tom
Uh, well, (motions to Carmen) here.
(Zoom in on Chief's eyeball followed by a quick
zoom through the C-5 corridor which is filled
with computer generated frames of various facts.)
Crow
Whoa, slow down!
(scene comes into animation with a crowd celebrating
at a Chinese festival.)
Singers: Where is Carmen Sandiego
Tom
(motions to Carmen)
Here.
Carmen Sandiego
(a lady comes by with a giddy expression on her face.
She's holding a sparkler in each hand.)
Crow
Hee hee! I'm stoooned!
(lady dips down and behind her and the C-5 entrance
appears.)
Singers: Where on Earth can she be?
Tom
She's not, she's here!
Singers: Tell me, where is Carmen Sandiego?
Tom
I did!
Carmen Sandiego, Where on Earth can she be?
Tom
Don't you LISTEN?
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Sphinx Mona Lisa
Leaning Tower of Pi
Crow
They said pee, huh-huh.
sa
London Zoo, Timbuktu
Can you help us find a clue?
Tom
Too late for that!
Oh, where is Carmen Sandiego?
Tom
Here, damn it!
Carmen Sandiego
Where on Earth can she be?
Tom
FOR THE LAST TIME, HERE!
(show logo)
Crow
This is supposed to be educational, right?
(title screen, displaying writers' names)
Mike
But was this really written?
Crow (noticing a writer's name)
Kimmer Ringwald. Molly's sister?
Tom (noticing a second writer's name)
And Sean Roche as the Smile.
(Scene opens showing windmills. It's a stormy
night scene with lightning bolts crashing in the background.
A black cat jumps onto the screen, hisses and bounds off.)
Tom
A pissed off Salem takes off.
(cat jumps on buildings' roofs running off to the left
of the screen)
Tom
He really gets around. Gotta be the paws.
(Scene shifts to a greenish building, a museum. There
is a sign on it.)
Mike (reading sign)
Vincent Van Gogh.
Crow
My ear! My ear!
(First shot of Carmen on the screen. She is walking
down a flight of stairs.)
Crow
There she is.
(The black cat jumps by the window and hisses.)
Tom
Cat doesn't like you, it seems.
Carmen
Shut up.
(On screen Carmen reaches the end of the flight of stairs,
and then walks down the museum hall. As she slows
down, sparkles can be seen by on screen Carmen's ankles.)
Crow
Doing a little angel dust on the side?
Carmen
Crow....
(On screen Carmen pulls a device out of her coat- a silver
flat gadget with a slide rule on top.)
Crow
Whoa!
(On screen Carmen places device on painting,
slide the rule over which takes the eyes from painting.)
Mike
Now my eyes are gone!
(On screen Carmen glances at stolen section of the
painting and smiles. Suddenly, Dutch screaming is
heard in the background.)
Tom
That means "stop or we'll dance in wooden shoes."
(On screen Carmen dashes off until she is below a
large window. A rope lowers toward her with a loop
attached to it. She places one foot in the loop
and grabs the rope with both ankles. The
rope quickly pulls her upward. Subtitles
then appear on the screen reading, "She's getting away!")
Mike and 'bots
Duh!
(A dog tries leaps after on screen Carmen.)
Crow
That dog didn't get a rabies shot!
(Windows close. Scene shifts to an overview of the city.
A red jet waiting for on screen Carmen takes off.
Window is mysteriously open in fly by shot.)
Tom
The windows' open again!
(Helicopters come on the scene, chasing after the jet.)
Crow
Here comes the traffic team.
(Jet goes under bridges that have narrow arches to
pass through.)
Mike and 'bots (singing)
We're riding the streets of Venice
We certainly do get around!
Cop (in helicopter): We know it's you Carmen Sandiego!
Mike
Finally it hits them!
(Jet is brought down as helicopters push it
to the ground.)
Crow
Oh no! Traffic's too bad! Land!
(Cops exit the helicopters and some cars
arrive on the scene to assist them. A couple
of cops approach the jet.)
A cop: Finally we have captured the
world famous-
(Cops open jet door revealing a dummy in the
cockpit. Cops gasp.)
Mike and 'bots
What-? But you-?
Carmen (chuckles to herself)
(Scene shifts back to museum, door opens. There is a dog waiting.)
Tom (dog)
Gimmie my rabies shot!
On screen Carmen: Sit! (though it sounds very much like 'tit.")
Crow
TIT? You said TIT?
Carmen (ticked)
I SAID sit!
Crow
Uh, nope!
(Dog sits and pants.)
On screen Carmen: Good boy. (pats dog on the head and exits)
Tom
Bet you say that to all the guys...
(Carmen punches Tom's head and it comes off. He screams.)
Player: I can catch you Carmen.
Crow (mockingly)
I'm rubber and you're glue.
On Screen Carmen: Go ahead, try. This should be fun.
Tom
About as fun as a ROOT CANAL!
(fade out)
Crow
It's over, let's go.
(Mike sits Crow back down. He then pulls out a new
head for Tom and screws it on.)
(Fade back into Player at his computer.)
Tom
Thanks. (he then leans towards Mike and
nervously asks) Mike, can we trade seats?
Mike
Servo, stop it.
Tom
But Mike!
Mike
Servo!
Tom (nervously)
Ok...
Chief: (appears on screen) Hey
Player, come on, let's bust a move.
Tom (singing)
You want, you got it...
Pick a detective, and make it snappy.
(The letters I-V-Y appear on the screen as
each letter appears all read them. Ivy beams in.)
Mike
Beam me in, Scotty.
Ivy: Hello Player. Thanks for picking me.
Crow
I didn't and my name is Crow!
Ivy: I have a grudge to settle with that
Carmen Sandiego.
Crow
All right, whatcha do?
Carmen
Nothing at all.
Tom
Sure....
Ivy: I can handle anything Carmen throws at me
Crow
Including large metal objects.
on my own!
Chief: Ivy, Ivy, Ivy. You must simply learn to accessorize.
All (snicker)
Crow
Pink background, that voice....you think...?
Chief: A partner could be so right for you.
(Screen now shows a 4 pictures- one of Wilber Wright,
one of Orville Wright, one of Lewis and the other of
Clark.)
Chief (in background): Think if Wilber didn't have Orville.
Tom
Think if Batman never had Robin.
(Zoom back to Ivy.)
Ivy: Yeah, yeah, the Wright Brothers would have never
invented the first airplane.
Crow
So bite me!
Chief: AAAAH! Duck!
Mike
Sorry, my turrets again.
(Plane flies over Ivy's head. She ducks and screams.)
(Scene shifts to screen with the 4 pictures on it.
A line is drawn down to Clark)
Mike (sports caster)
They're down to the 20...
Chief: (in background) And what would Lewis
do if Clark wasn't always fetching-
Photo of Clark: Are we there yet?
Mike and 'bots
NO!
(Shift back to Ivy.)
Ivy: Fine but who...
(Shift to the Chief's screen.
Letters Z-A-C-K appear on it.)
Zack?! My brother Zack?
Crow
As long as it isn't the Hanson!
(Shift to the Acme Detective
Agency floor. Zack beams in.)
Mike (surfer dude)
Beam me in too, dude!
Zack: Hey Ivy, you working this case with me?
Tom
NO!
Ivy: Correction- you are working this case with
me, little brother.
Crow
The dog from "Mulan?"
Zack: Hey Playmeister, what's up?
Crow
That's Crow!
Chief: (surfer voice) What's up Zack (normal voice)
is that Carmen stole the eyes of a Van Gogh painting.
(On the Chief's screen, the painting is
pictured. A second later, the
eyes disappear from it.)
All (screaming)
I'M BLIND!
(Shift back to Acme floor)
Ivy: But Chief, why would Carmen just steal
the eyes, when she could have stolen the
whole painting?
Tom
Yeah, why?
Chief: Well, that's what you and
the Boy Wonder have to find out.
Crow
He's Robin?
Zack: Ok sis, let's go!
Ivy: (growls) Please don't call me that, Zachary!
All
Ooooooooh!
Chief: Well, let's go Player! If I had a life,
we'd be wasting it!
Crow
Which one of us said that? (looks around)
(Zack skateboards towards the Headquarters' doors.
A few feet before them, the C-5 corridor entrance
appears. Zack stops too short on his board and falls.)
Tom
Ouch, my ass!
(Zack's skateboard drifts into the corridor entrance.)
Chief: The Player has accessed the C-5
corridor.
Mike
Complete with sparkling blue light effects.
Zack: No way am I C-5ing it to Holland, Chief!
Crow
They wear wooden shoes there!
Chief: You know Zack, Franklin D. Roosevelt had a
saying-
(There's a countdown on the Chief's screen when it
starts...)
Tom
He's gonna blow up!
(After it reaches one...)
Mike and 'bots
BOOM!
(Footage of FDR appears on screen.)
FDR: The only thing we have to fear is
fear itself.
Carmen
And watching this caper!
(Shift to Acme floor.)
Zack: Oh yeah, well I got a saying too-
Crow
Bite me!
Zack: If it doesn't have a seat belt
and an in-flight movie, I don't fly it.
Ivy: Chief, the C-5 corridor doesn't
always get us where we want to go.
Crow
To the bathroom!
Chief: It's got a few minor glitches,
so sue me!
Tom
Oh, I trust him!
Chief: Besides, while you travel, the Player can
call up information.
Tom
To find out Carmen's
RIGHT NEXT TO US!
(C-5 map appears.)
Chief: Now let's blow this motherboard!
Crow
He said-
Mike
We know! We know!
Chief: Technology, ya gotta love it.
Crow
No! It got us stuck up here!
Chief: We're C-5ing you from San Fransisco to Amsterdam.
Mike
Where you'll be wearing wooden shoes.
(Doors open.)
Mike
Oh and your in-flight movie will be "Rambo."
Chief: You're heading to Northern Europe.
Crow
I thought we were going to Amsterdam!
Chief: Destination, the Netherlands.
Tom
AMSTERDAM!
Chief: The Netherlands, which is also known
as Holland, which is also known as the
Netherlands.
Mike
Now I'm confused.
("Camera" smacks into a large screen.)
Chief: There you'll see- wooden shoes
Mike and 'bots
No!
and tulips. I gotta tell ya,
this place is FLAT, flat as a pancake.
Crow
Blueberry?
You wanna build a bowling alley, well
this is the place!
(Cartoon bowler bowls down windmills.)
Mike
O.....k....
(C-5 corridor opens. Ivy falls on the
sidewalk. Zack lands in tulips.)
Tom
There's the tulips, now where's
the wooden shoes?
Zack: The C-5 did it again!
Tom
It stole my underwear!
Zack: This is definitely not the museum.
Crow (sarcastically)
Really?
(A strange little man, Toriste Classe is focused on. He is
hiding out spying on the 2 detectives on his motorscooter.
He has a camera in his hand with an antenna on it.
There's also a screen on it with on screen Carmen's
picture on it. Suddenly, Toriste's
antenna is right near his nose.)
Mike and 'bots
EW!
Toriste: Hey boss, there's two
Acme detectives here!
On Screen Carmen: Is my little surprise
ready?
Crow
You look...um...stoned.
Carmen (growls)
(Toriste laughs.)
Crow
Oh God!
Toriste: Of course!
On Screen Carmen: Get out of the country- now!
Tom
MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!
(Scene shifts back to the detectives. Zack is now next to
Ivy on the sidewalk. Toriste's scooter zooms by them.)
Ivy: Look over there! (she points. Scene then
focuses on old guy)
Tom
It's Mr. Hooper! He's alive!
Ivy: C'mon! There's Toriste Classe!
Let's slap on a brain bucket
Tom
Uh, that requires a brain.
and go after him!
(Ivy and Zack put on helmets and get on a scooter
together. Ivy is up front driving.)
Ivy: Toriste is a con artist and international
art thief.
Zack: And Carmen's just stolen the
eyes of a Van Gogh!
Mike
At least somebody read the script!
(Zoom out to show city and the
two motorscooters chasing each other.)
Tom
Exciting....
(Zoom back onto the detectives.)
Zack: Think there's some connection?
Mike
Ya think?
(The detectives pursue Toriste to a bridge. Toll bar
comes down.)
Mike and 'bots
YOU HAVE TO PAY THE TOLL FIRST!
(Detectives do the same. The scooters are now driving upward on
the raising bridge. Zack notices the edge of the bridge is near.)
Zack: Look out sis!
Ivy: (as scooter goes off bridge) DON'T CALL ME SIIIIIIIIIS!
Crow
We'll call you biiiiitch....
(Toriste's motorcycle transforms. There are
sail-like thing that make wings on the scooter.)
Tom
The most complex umbrella!
(Zack and Ivy are screaming as their scooter
falls. They get larger and larger,
as if the "camera" is getting closer
to them.)
Crow
They're gonna hit the camera!
(Quiz question appears on screen)
Zack's voice in background: What is another
name for the Netherlands?
Crow
I dunno, they got me confused!
Mike
I thought this was supposed to be educational?
(All leave. Theater doors close behind them.)
(Mike, Crow and Carmen are standing in the main room of
the SOL.)
Crow: Where's Servo?
Mike: Got me. He took off as soon as we left the theater.
(notices a note on the counter.) Hey...let's see here...
Crow: What's it say?
Mike: It says (reads) 'Dear Mike and Crow, I'm hiding
right now. I don't want Carmen to knock off my head again.
I'll be in for the movie, but otherwise, I'm staying as far
away from her as possible! Your buddy, Servo.'
Crow: Mike, this is serious.
Carmen: I didn't think I used that much force with that punch.
And I really-
Crow: Well, look what you've done anyway! You scared Servo
half to death!
Mike: Now Crow-
Carmen: Crow, if I find him, I'll tell him I'm sorry.
And I-
Crow: Ok lady, look- there's something ya gotta know here.
Servo, Mike and I are stuck here watching these bad movies
and such. We survive by making fun of them. We always comment
on the actions of the characters and amuse ourselves like this.
Right Mike?
Mike: Well yeah...
Crow: And see, we're just doing that. We don't have any
feelings against you when we do. So get it straight-
we're joking!!!
Carmen: So, those comments that make me sound like a
stupid drug using hooker-
Crow: All in fun. Hey, lighten up, all right? And Servo
was just joking as well.
Carmen: Well, I do feel terrible. And I'm never a woman of
violence to begin with, I have no idea what came over me.
Mike: Hey, just find Servo and say you're sorry. I'm sure
things will be fine after that.
Carmen: Oh I will, Mike.
Mike: Good, now let's go find Tom.
Crow: Yeah, let's play, "Where on the Satellite of
Love is Tom Servo?" (snickers)
Mike: Ok, so where's a good place to start looking?
Crow: Let's start a search party!
(Carmen glances upward.)
Carmen: Never mind. (points upward) I found him.
(Mike and Crow glance up.)
Mike: (shouting up) Hey Tom, you can come down now!
Tom: (off camera shouting back down) Not until
Carmen says she's sorry!
Carmen: (shouts up) Tom, I'm really sorry. I lost my
temper and I promise I will never hurt you again. Please
come back down and all will be well.
Tom: (shouts down) I can't!
Carmen: (shouts up) I mean what I say, Tom. Won't you please
come down?
Tom: (shouts down) Oh, I believe you, it's just that....well
(sheepishly) I'm...um....stuck up here in the rafters.
Mike: (shouts up) Hang on, I'll bring you back down.
(Commercial lights flash.)
Mike: We'll be right back. (exits)
(Fade out.)
To be continued....