Title: Reminiscing
Author: CSI Buckeye
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Love the characters, wish they were mine but alas they aren't. Just borrowing, please don't sue.
Pairing: GSR
Spoilers: Through "Toe Tags"
Note: Thanks a million to Mel for the awesome beta
As Sara put dinner in the oven, she thought back on their conversation in the garage earlier. She hadn't been lying when she told him that she'd heard he was a dull speaker. What she hadn't mentioned was that she'd also heard he was brilliant and sexy with amazing blue eyes. Of course she had signed up for his Continuing Education class on Forensic Entomology because of his impeccable reputation, but the promise of sexy blue eyes hadn't hurt either. As she opened a bottle of wine, her mind wandered back to the first time she had looked in those eyes so long ago.
FLASHBACK
She had been a newly minted CSI Level 2 in San Francisco when she had heard about a CEU Seminar on Forensic Entomology being given over at the University. She wasn't particularly into bugs, but she knew forensically it was an area in which she could be much more knowledgeable. She was discussing it with her fellow CSIs in the break room when a voice from the hall said "Don't do it!" All heads turned toward the voice. It belonged to a CSI Level 3 on the day shift whose name Sara could no longer recall. She went on "Gil Grissom right? I went to one of his seminars a couple years ago. Boring with a capital B. Although…"
"What?" Sara asked
"It wasn't a total loss. He did have the most kick ass blue eyes I've ever seen. Not bad to look at, just to listen to."
Sara decided on the spot…she was checking this out for herself.
She had arrived about 40 minutes early for the first day of the two day seminar. She hated being late and made sure to allow extra time for traffic, parking on campus and of course stopping for a good cup of coffee. Sara pushed open the door of the lecture hall and walked into the front of the almost empty room. There was a man standing at the podium in the front of the room and his head turned as he heard the door open. She smiled at him as she walked in and he smiled lightly back. When she got close enough to see his bright blue eyes she said "Dr. Grissom I presume?"
He raised an eyebrow in what would become a very familiar expression. "You presume correctly but I'm afraid you have me at a bit of a disadvantage."
"Sara Sidle, CSI Level 2 here in San Francisco" she replied.
"A pleasure to meet you Ms. Sidle" he stated extending his hand.
"The pleasure is mine Dr. Grissom" she replied shaking his hand firmly. They both noticed the electric sensation that coursed through their joined hands and their eyes locked as they broke their handshake. Sara had never had such an immediate physical reaction to anyone in her life. Her heart rate increased quickly and she felt a blush creep up her face. It was at that precise moment that the next seminar attendee pushed open the doors and both Grissom and Sara took a step backwards at the same time, putting a more comfortable distance between them. The intruder walked toward Grissom while Sara turned to stake out a seat in the front row. Sara felt an instant and totally irrational dislike for the man who had interrupted their moment. 'Get a grip, Sidle' she thought to herself "it was just a handshake". Still, if a handshake elicited that kind of response…. "Oh boy," she muttered under breath.
The auditorium steadily filled up, with most people stopping to introduce themselves to Grissom as they entered. Sara sat and watched all the interactions with interest to see if anyone else was graced with the reaction she felt she had received. His eyes darted to hers numerous times as she studied him and each time they held their gaze just a little longer than the previous time. By the time he started lecturing; she was very flustered and distracted trying to work out a vague plan to get him to go to dinner with her.
Despite the other CSI's warning, and Grissom's distracting sensuality, Sara was fascinated by the information and thought him a riveting lecturer. She had had an insatiable thirst for learning since she had first discovered that reading provided an escape from her violent and unstable home life. Early in her childhood she had read anything and everything she could get her hands on. Later she discovered a special affinity for the sciences. In Physics especially she found order out of chaos. And in a karmic twist, Physics had been her ticket out of the chaos of her old life. A scholarship to Harvard had changed everything and set her on the path that she currently traveled today.
At the lunch break she approached Grissom with several thoughts, but hung back in the crowd so she would be the last one left to question him. As she approached he looked up at her and smiled.
"Thanks for all your great questions and keen insights this morning"
"Well I'm afraid I have some more, questions that is, but I don't want to monopolize your lunch time." She said.
"Well…" he paused. "Let's have lunch together and I'll have plenty of time to answer all your questions and still fend off starvation."
"If you're sure you don't mind…that sounds great." She said rewarding him with one of her most brilliant smiles. 'Like taking candy from a baby' she thought.
Sara took Grissom to a local coffee house for lunch. They both ordered spicy Thai peanut noodles and coffee. They ate while they talked and he answered all her questions and then some. She learned that Grissom grew up in California, but now lived in Las Vegas where he was a CSI Level 3 and resident Entomology expert. She learned that he was as interesting as he was handsome, that he was a great listener and that he wasn't married. Most importantly however, she learned that he would be in town two days after the seminar ended. But lunch was over too soon and it left Sara wanting more. When the waitress brought the check, Sara reached for it quickly, but Grissom beat her to it.
"Please let me get this. It's the least I can do for intruding into your lunch hour and pestering you with annoying questions Dr. Grissom" she stated.
"First of all, please call me Gil. Secondly, your questions are insightful and probing, a wonderful but rare occurrence for a lecturer to encounter. And thirdly, lunch was infinitely more enjoyable with you than dining alone would have been. My treat Ms. Sidle, I insist."
"Alright, but I have to warn you. I am possibly the most stubborn person that you will ever meet. So please, call me Sara and if I let you pay for lunch, then you'll have to let me pay for dinner, Gil." She slyly said.
He raised an eyebrow and hesitated briefly, but ultimately said "OK, it's a deal."
On the ride back to campus, Sara couldn't believe how bold she had been. Who was this woman she became when she was around him? She felt flirty, confident, and bristling with sexual tension. God, she couldn't until dinner, but where would she take him? The rest of the lecture sailed by with Sara interrupting every so often to ask her infinite questions. She lingered in her seat as the room emptied of people, taking an inordinate amount of time to gather her belongings, and her courage. She had a feeling he would try to beg out of dinner.
As Sara approached Grissom she could indeed see a battle being fought behind his eyes. He smiled a crooked grin and glanced away.
"Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all." He said softly.
"Funny, you don't strike me as the type of person who's indecisive. Lucky for you I'm definitely not, and I won't take no for an answer. We made a deal, remember?"
"I remember." He said as their eyes met.
"So what hotel are you in? It makes more sense if I just pick you up and drive, since I'm the one who knows where we're going" she pushed on.
"Where are we going anyway?" he questioned.
"It's a surprise, but I promise you'll like it. I'll pick you up at 7:00 at…?"
"The Hilton downtown" he provided.
"I'm looking forward to it." She said as she turned and walked toward the door.
"Me too." He said so softly she almost didn't catch it. She did catch him however, checking her out as she turned the corner at the door and gave a small wave.
Sara knew she had nothing in her closet that would make the impression she hoped to make, so she went shopping right after class. Normally she hated shopping for herself, but this wasn't really for her she thought. It was for him. There was just something about him. Amazingly she found the perfect outfit at the first place she stopped. A gauzy peach top cut just low enough to be evocative but not low enough to be trashy. The matching peach and earth tone skirt showed plenty of what Sara considered to be her best feature, her long shapely legs. She made a stop at the grocery store to pick up a few necessities…just in case. Then she raced home, tidied up her apartment and jumped in the shower. She spent extra time taming her curly brown hair and applying her light make-up. Before she knew it, it was time to go. She took one last look in the mirror and sighed "not bad…even if I do say so myself," and raced out the door.
Sara valet parked at the Hilton and walked through the lobby toward the information desk. About halfway to her destination she heard a soft "hey" and felt a hand on her arm. She turned and came face to face with a Gil Grissom who looked like he had just stepped out of GQ magazine. He was wearing black pants and a royal blue shirt that accented his eyes wonderfully. He wore no tie and his shirt was open a couple buttons at the collar.
"Hey yourself" she said, becoming acutely aware of the heat spreading up her arm where his hand still rested. As if reading her thoughts, he pulled his hand slowly away.
"So do I get to know where we're going now?" he asked.
"Nope. I guess you'll know when we get there, huh? Shall we?" she asked.
They passed the drive pleasantly, talking mostly about music. While Sara expressed a love of Jazz and 80's music, and Grissom favored Classical and older rock, they found common ground in Sinatra, the Stones and standards. They talked about concerts they had attended and ones they hoped to go to in the future. And each was on the receiving end of some good natured teasing as they revealed the most embarrassing CDs in their personal collections.
"Alright Mr. Impatient, or should I say Dr. Impatient, we're here." Sara laughed lightly.
They walked into a beautiful little seafood restaurant with the most breathtaking view of San Francisco Bay. Sara had reserved a table by the window and they were escorted there by the hostess.
"Quite a view." Grissom said shyly. "And the Bay looks nice too."
Sara shot him a flirty smile and said, "Not so bad yourself."
They both ordered seafood and wine and fell back into their easy conversation. They talked of traveling, even though Sara confessed to not having been outside the continental United States. Grissom regaled her with stories of his trips to Europe and especially the Rainforest. They laughed often and Sara was astonished with how quick and easy their rapport was. Before they knew it, it was 11:30 and Grissom sighed as he looked at his watch. Sara took the hint stating "I guess I'd better get you back to your hotel. It is a school night after all."
Grissom laughed and agreed. "I guess so. We both have class at 8:00."
"Yeah." Sara replied. "But I can sleep through mine." Grissom shot her a wounded look and she looped her arm through his as they walked back to the car.
The drive back to the hotel was also pleasant, but with a definite undercurrent of regret. The evening had been fabulous, but now it was ending. She knew he would not invite her up to his room, and truthfully she wasn't sure she would go even if invited. He was going back to Vegas in a few days. There was no future with him. Anything more than a friendly dinner would get complicated. And yet…Sara had never desired a man more in her entire life. She knew she would end up hurt, but if the opportunity presented itself, she also knew she just wouldn't care about the consequences.
She pulled up in front of his hotel and put the car in park to idle. Grissom turned to her and stared into her deep brown eyes. "Thank you so much for a lovely evening. I can honestly say I enjoyed myself more than I have in ages."
"Me too" Sara replied truthfully.
Grissom licked his lips and Sara thought that perhaps he might lean over and kiss her, but he averted his eyes and glanced toward the hotel. "Guess I'd better go." He said as he opened the door and climbed out. Before he closed the door again, he leaned down to look in the car and said "Would you like to do this again tomorrow night?"\
Sara flashed him her full watt smile and said "I'd love to."
"Great, we'll set the plans at lunch tomorrow, but I'm definitely buying" he smiled back.
"OK." She answered "I'll see you tomorrow then."
He closed the door and walked into the hotel, while Sara stared after him. Then it struck her. They had just made dates for both lunch and dinner the next day. Sleep might come with even more difficulty than usual tonight.
Grissom had traipsed through Sara's dreams all night long, and as she awoke to the alarm she found she couldn't wait to see him again. She took extra care with her appearance and settled on faded blue jeans and a red tank top that showed off her toned arms. Casual and comfortable for sure, but flattering nonetheless. She arrived early for class again, but this time her reasons were a little more selfish. She hoped to have him all to herself for a few minutes before sharing him with the class. She wasn't disappointed. As she entered the room Grissom looked up from his notes and a small smile crossed his face. It was as if he had been hoping she was the one walking in early. She smiled back at him and walked towards the same seat she had occupied the day before.
"Good morning." He stated quietly "Tired?"
She couldn't suppress a yawn and laughingly said "Jeez, the power of suggestion I guess".
He laughed outright and said "I hope I'm not that powerful. I think I might have a hard time not using that ability inappropriately."
"Really Dr. Grissom?" She replied with a suggestive eyebrow raise.
He started to blush, but they were interrupted by the opening of the door. He winked at her and whispered "Saved by the bell."
She smirked at him and said "This time."
The morning lecture was complicated and very detailed. Many people besides Sara had questions and that caused the class to overflow into the allotted lunch break. They didn't have time to leave campus for lunch so they grabbed hot dogs and chips from the street vendor and had a picnic in the grass outside the lecture hall. "Are we still on for tonight?" He asked.
"Sure." She replied unsurely. "Unless you changed your mind."
"No, no." He said quickly "I was just giving you the opportunity to change yours if you wanted to."
"Why would I want to? I had so much fun last night. I've never met anyone I could talk to like I can you. Believe it or not, I'm not usually very outgoing. I'm intense and opinionated and I tend to piss people off." She said honestly.
He grinned and said, "I think your fiery personality is absolutely charming, and I'm glad you didn't want an out."
"So where are we going for dinner?" She asked shyly.
"Ah ha! The shoe's on the other foot now isn't it Ms. Impatient?" He said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. She tried to hit him in the arm, but he jerked away and grabbed her wrist in midair. She tried again with her other hand, but he latched onto that one as well and playfully wrestled her to the ground pinning both wrists over her head. Suddenly he was half on top of her, his face so close to her own. They both became aware of it at the same time and as their eyes met their breathing became ragged. Time seemed to stand still. She watched his eyes dart from her eyes to her mouth and she impulsively lifted her head to close the distance. Their lips met lightly and their eyes closed. At first it was a gentle brushing of lips, timid and uncertain. But when each felt the other respond positively, it became sensual and full of promise. Unfortunately it was also time for class to resume and as they heard the bells peal across campus they broke apart gently and gathered up their things. They walked back to the room side by side, but Sara's thoughts were everywhere. She had kissed him! He had kissed her! What the hell were they doing? Her brain screamed, 'This is a mistake!' but her lips still tingled from the contact. She glanced at Grissom out of the corner of her eye and he also seemed miles away. She could only hope they ended up at the same conclusions.
When the class was over and speaker evaluations were handed out, Sara couldn't help but think it was too bad she couldn't grade him on sexiness. He was off the charts in her book. But she could tell from the almost embarrassed expression she caught behind his eyes a couple times that afternoon that he was feeling unsure about the way things were going. She knew once again she would have to keep him from bailing out on her. So once everyone else had gone she approached him and said innocently "Are you driving tonight or am I?"
He looked at her shyly and said "Sara…"
"Don't Sara me, Gil. I'm not one bit sorry about what happened this afternoon. But if you are, just say so and I'll get out of here." She spat.
He looked down at the floor and said quietly "I'm not sorry…I just... this can't be a good idea."
"You know what? You are absolutely right." She stated emphatically.
His eyes snapped up, surprise evident on his face.
"It's a terrible idea. You're going back to Vegas in a couple days, I'm just starting out here in San Francisco, you're older than I am, and for all I know we could be astrologically misaligned too... but I don't care. All I know is I had the best day of my life yesterday, I dreamed of you last night, and I can't stop thinking about the kiss we shared earlier. I know we're both scientists and this…" she said gesturing back and forth between them "… doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but you can't apply logic to every situation. Let's just have dinner. Let's see what happens." She said breathlessly.
He just stared at her with what looked like amazement for a few seconds, then smiled and simply said, "How about dinner at the hotel restaurant? The concierge told me it was four stars."
She smiled brilliantly and asked, "What time?"
"Want to meet in the lobby at 7:00?" He asked.
"I'll see you then." She replied and left before he could change his mind
Sara walked into the lobby at 6:50pm on the dot. She wore a classic little black dress that fit her like a glove, snug in all the right places. She saw him leaning on a pillar outside the hotel bar. He wore a dark charcoal suit, blue dress shirt and red tie. Sara thought him devastatingly handsome and she flashed him an approving smile as she came to a stop in front of him. He pulled one long stemmed coral colored rose out from behind his back and said "You look beautiful Sara."
"Thank you … for the rose and the compliment." She replied sweetly.
"I thought we could have a drink first if that's OK with you. Our reservation isn't for another half hour."
"That would be nice." She replied.
He extended his elbow for her so she could slip her arm through and they walked into the bar side by side. They took a small table for two in the corner and both ordered glasses of red wine. They sipped their wine and exchanged glances across the table while listening to the pianist play and sing. Sara wasn't sure about him, but she was finding it difficult to breathe let alone talk. A small smile flitted across Sara's face as she heard a familiar tune begin. Ever the investigator he didn't miss it and asked "What's the smile for? The song?"
"Well it just seems kind of appropriate don't you think?"
"Very. Would you like to dance?" He asked.
"I'd love to." She replied with a grin.
He led her to the small dance floor and held her close in his arms as the pianist began to sing the first lines of 'Witchcraft'
'Those fingers in my hair'
'That sly come hither stare'
'Leaves my conscience bare'
'It's witchcraft'
He pulled her closer and began to slowly move his hand on the small of her back.
'And I've got no defense for it'
'The heat is too intense for it'
'Proceed with what you're leading me to'
The electricity shooting through Sara's body from all the multiple points of contact with his was unlike anything she ever experienced. His shoulder under her left arm and hand, his hand clasped with her right hand, his chest pressed against hers, and of course that hand stroking her back, it was overwhelming. She inhaled his unique scent and unconsciously slid her left hand from his shoulder to the nape of his neck, where she toyed with his curls. She heard him swallow hard and felt his breathing quicken as she nuzzled her face into his neck. Sara had never been so aroused and by the end of the song, the rest of the world had ceased to exist. As they pulled apart slightly to applaud the pianist, their eyes never left each other. Sara saw in the stormy blue what she knew was a reflection of the unbridled desire in her own, and dinner was forgotten.
He threw a twenty dollar bill on their table as he led her out of the bar and to the bank of elevators. No words were exchanged, they weren't necessary. They both knew exactly what they wanted and where this was headed. As the elevator door closed behind them, Grissom turned and pinned Sara to the wall. He looked in her eyes with a hunger Sara had never before seen, but he hesitated long enough to give her the opportunity to put on the brakes if she wanted or needed to. And although Sara had many desires coursing through her body at that particular moment in time, stopping him was definitely not one of them. To eliminate any concern on his part, she threw her hands around his neck and crashed her lips to his. It was frantic and breathtaking with tongues dueling desperately and hands roaming everywhere. They broke apart as the elevator chimed to announce their selected floor. They just gawked at each other in wonderment and walked briskly to his room. He held open the door to allow her to precede him as he hooked the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the outside handle. Grissom turned to face her and she smiled at him, suddenly shy and unsure of herself. As if reading her mind, he held out his open arms and said sweetly, "Come here Sara." He enveloped her in a hug and kissed the top of her head.
"I've never been caught up in something like this before. I don't usually… I mean… I've never…" She said haltingly.
"Shhhh. It's OK. I know. This is a first for me too. I never do anything without weighing the pros and cons for eons, but God Sara… there's just something about you that makes me not care about anything else. You are so beautiful and intelligent and I know we barely know each other, but I've never wanted anyone more in my life" he said softly.
She looked up at him with a smile and said "You took the words right out of my mouth."
He smiled brightly and as their lips joined again they both lost the capacity for rational thought.
They spent the entire night giving in to their innermost desires. At times it was fast and furious, and at other times it was slow and tender. He was instantly in tune with how Sara wanted and needed to be touched and she took her time learning what excited and frustrated him. They would doze in each other's arms intermittently and then resume their exploration of each other. They did have to take a break for room service, but that just became another opportunity for sensual play. Sara discovered that while not normally very verbal in her love making, Grissom made her feel so safe and sexy that she had no qualms about giving voice to her passion. Grissom responded in kind which made Sara that much more aroused and insatiable. He was an amazing, considerate, receptive lover and he took Sara to places that had never existed with other men. As she fell asleep in his arms, one thought swirled around in her foggy consciousness: home. This was home…right here in his embrace.
The next morning Sara awoke to light kisses on her neck and strong hands tracing caresses down her naked back from behind.
"Mmmm… good morning." She purred.
"Morning, huh? Any idea what time it really is?" He asked with a smirk.
She rolled over to face him. "None whatsoever" she replied. "Time hasn't had the same meaning lately," she retorted with a raise of her eyebrows.
"It's almost 4:00pm." He said.
"Are you serious?" She asked with a start. "I have to be at work at 7:00." She groaned.
"Plenty of time." He said lazily as he trailed kisses from her neck to her collarbone.
"Oh …Gil. I have to get home, shower…change clothes…eat…" She trailed off as he kissed his way toward her navel. "One of us isn't on vacation" she sighed.
He stopped nibbling and licking her upper thigh and raised his head to look at her. "Aaahhh…but one of us is!" he teased as he resumed his journey. An instant later she forgot what she was going to say or why it was important. And that night, for the first time in her life, Sara Sidle was late for work.
Later that night while she sat drinking coffee in the break room, thinking about the Shakespearean quality of their situation, her cell phone rang. An instantaneous and subconscious smile appeared on her face as she heard his voice, but it was replaced just as quickly as he said, "I'm so sorry Sara. I just got called back to Vegas for a case needing an Entomologist. My plane leaves in an hour." So many thoughts ran through her head at one time that she couldn't sift through them all to say anything coherent. She just sat there with her mouth half opened.
"Sara?" he called, waiting for a response.
"I'm sorry…" she said softly, "…you just took me by surprise. There's no need to apologize, of course I understand. They need you there." 'But I want you here' she thought with dismay.
"I don't know what to say" he added.
"Nothing to say I guess. We both knew you were going, it's just a little sooner than anticipated." She said bravely.
"I can't tell you how much this has meant to me Sara. You're a breath of fresh air. You've resuscitated a man who was just going through the motions. You've infected me not only with your zest for life, but with your enthusiasm for forensics. You are at the beginning of your journey Sara, and I envy you. Thank you."
"Now I don't know what to say." She replied as a tear ran down her cheek.
"Can we please keep in touch?" He whispered softly.
"I'd like that very much" she said.
"I'm sorry… I have to get going if I'm going to make my flight. I'll miss you Sara. Goodbye."
"Goodbye Gil. I miss you already" she answered. And as she realized the significance of hitting the END button on her cell phone, her heart broke.
They e-mailed and talked on the phone regularly, but as time passed it became more professional and less personal. They talked about interesting cases and new research they read about in forensic journals. She contacted him at times for guidance; he called her for a fresh perspective. Anything else was just too hard. And as the time passed, the ache in her heart became a constant but manageable presence. She held out hope that one day the fates would reunite them, at a time more conducive to a relationship. So the day he called, telling her he "needed" her when Holly Gribbs was shot. She didn't hesitate for a second. She knew…she was headed home again. She just had no idea how long the road was going to be.
FLASH FORWARD-PRESENT DAY
Sara was sitting on the couch sipping on a glass of wine when the door opened, interrupting her thoughts. Gil Grissom sat his briefcase by the door and kicked off his shoes. He walked to her and bent down for a sweet, slow kiss before saying "Where were you? You looked a million miles away when I walked in."
"Not a million miles, maybe a million years." She looked up at him. He raised his eyebrow and sat down beside her on the couch. "Our earlier conversation got me thinking of the first time we met. The days we spent in San Francisco. You broke my heart when you left, you know" she said sadly.
"I broke mine too, but I didn't really have a choice" he replied.
"Right…the case" she said with a crooked grin and a gleam in her eye.
"What?" He asked suspiciously.
"I know you didn't get called back to work." She averted her eyes.
"What? How? How long?" He stuttered in surprise.
"I had a feeling during the phone call when you told me, but it was confirmed the next day when I tried to call you at work. I wanted to make sure you got home OK…and I wanted to hear your voice. I told them I was a colleague of yours from San Fran and I'd heard you'd returned early from your trip. The receptionist told me I'd been misinformed and that you weren't due in until the next day."
He looked at her sheepishly and asked "Why didn't you ever let on that you knew? You must have been angry."
"Oh, I was initially, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I owed you a debt of gratitude for what you did. If you had stayed another two days, I would never have been able to let you go," she replied honestly.
He took her in his arms. "There's not a day that goes by that I don't look back on that decision and wonder if I did the right thing. What if I would have stayed and completely fallen in love with you. I wasn't as jaded at that point, maybe I would have uprooted my life and moved to San Francisco to be with you. We could've started our lives together then. Maybe I cost us years of togetherness and happiness with my decision."
"I suppose we'll never know for sure, but somehow I think things worked out exactly the way they had to for us to end up together. I don't think we were at the right places in our lives then. I believe everything happens for a reason I guess, and I wouldn't change a thing" she said with a smile.
He kissed her tenderly. "You know, it was hard to lose you once. I never thought I'd be able to risk it again. That's part of what took me so long this time. I knew it would hollow out my soul if things didn't work out. But in the end I realized I never really had a choice. We were meant to be together Sara. Without you I'm incomplete."
The timer on the oven rang, and as Sara got up to get the lasagna out of the oven, Gil followed her into the kitchen. She sat the pan on the stove top and said "Have you ever thought about how unconventional our relationship has been? First we were lovers, then friends, then not friends, then friends again, and finally lovers again. We've come full circle."
"I love you Sara." He said slipping up behind her.
"I love you too Gil." She replied as she turned to him.
He kissed her with all the pent up doubt, regret, longing and love he had in his heart. And once again dinner was forgotten.