Totally not worth it

Is there some universal reason why sometimes everything just seems to go totally and completely wrong? Perhaps there isn't, but then again, why does that always happen anyways? And when the things go towards the deepest hell of your life, there's always some fucking asshole who thinks it is proper to say that things could be worse. There is a great fault in that saying, you see, when some bloody smart ass says that, the things go even more wrong and then you wish your life wasn't you own anymore.

Yes, these situations sucked. So why in the fucking seventh hell had he be in this fucking situation, huh? What the fuck had he done wrong in his fairly short life to deserve this? Well, okay, in his short life he had done things many wouldn't ever try in their entire lifetime, but that wasn't the point. This, this exact situation, was worse of the worst. And he, like the idiot he is, was right in the middle of it. Actually, he was in the storm's eye and, oh boy, wasn't that the place to be.

"Okay Miroku, spit it out. What the hell is the matter with you? You look like someone had stuck a brick in your ass!" Inuyasha shouted.

Oh for Christ's sake! Couldn't that idiot come up with any other metaphor besides that? It was a total hit to the gut! Miroku growled and hit his head to the table. This was going to be a long night. But this cursed night would come eventually anyways so he could just face it and be done with it, but that really wasn't the easiest thing to do.

"Are you going to tell what has been troubling you lately or not?" Inuyasha kept persisting. "You have been like a sick puppy for the past few weeks and you just keep going down, man. It's really starting to show you know. Kagome told me that Sango is worried about you. She said that you seem to be avoiding her and that you're sighing all the time, which is true by the way", Inuyasha continued without mercy.

Did he just have to rub salt on the wounds? What the hell had made him to mention Sango? Was that really necessary? Inuyasha obviously wanted to make this as hard as possible. Like it wasn't hard enough already, Miroku laughed bitterly.

"Seriously Miroku, you are kinda freaking me out here."

Hmm… Yes, where to start. Whether to tell Inuyasha that he didn't feel anything towards the hottest woman on campus, who happened to be his girlfriend after countless troubles, or to tell that he was doing something he didn't think he'd ever never do. Perhaps something like this: "Inuyasha, I'm fucking your brother."

No, that didn't sound right. He couldn't say something like that. It was more like: "Inuyasha, your brother is fucking me." Yep, that was much better. He could feel the horrible weight pressing his shoulders down to go away like it was nothing. As if…

Well, here goes nothing: "Inuyasha, I have to tell you something", Miroku started and looked at his best friend across the bar table.

"Yes, go on. I'm here for you, man."

Then why didn't he shut up so he could speak? "The thing is…. You see I…" And then he was interrupted. AGAIN. But this time he couldn't blame Inuyasha. It was his own freaking phone ringing. He took it out of his jean-pocket and looked who was the bastard that thought he could interrupt him in a moment like this. Well, well, well… Wasn't it the head bastard himself? Like he would answer to him. The phone kept ringing.

Miroku took a deep breath and prepared himself to speak things trough with Inuyasha once and for all. "Shouldn't you answer to that?" Inuyasha asked. Miroku glared at his friend. Did he do that deliberately? He had the most annoying habit of saying everything others wished he would not say. So with that, Miroku excused himself and went out of the bar to take the call. He hoped the ringing would stop before he could get outside but the fucking bastard didn't hung up, did he?

"What do you want in a time like this, you asshole?" Miroku shouted to the phone at the same moment he opened it.

"How nice to hear your lovely voice", a deep voice answered to him. His voice was deep and melodic and so damn sexy that Miroku's heart would have perhaps skipped a beat if he hadn't sounded so ironic when he spoke.

"What do you want from me?" Miroku hissed back at him.

"You know very well what I want, don't you?"

"Sesshoumaru, stop messing with me! Find a new toy to play with! I'm sick of this."

"Where are you now?" Sesshoumaru asked like he hadn't heard at all what Miroku had said.

"With your brother", Miroku answered with bitterness in his voice.

"So it is of no importance. Come here. Now."

"No, I don't think I will. Would you please stop talking like the whole world revolved around you!"

"You know very well I am not going to do that. Leave my useless brother and make sure you are here before I get tired of waiting." After saying that, Sesshoumaru hang up the call.

Miroku stood outside the bar with a stunned look on his face. Well, this was just absolutely great! Good job Miroku, this is exactly the way you take control of your life. You get the hottest girl there is as your girlfriend after chasing her out for years and when she finally warms up to you, you sleep with your best friend's brother. That is the time you think you have hit the rocky bottom of your life. And that is also the time that some idiot, usually someone like Inuyasha, says something like: "Don't be so depressed, man. You're gonna make me depressed too. Things could always be worse, you know." And that is the time you know that yes, things really can be worse, because then you sleep with your best friend's brother again and find yourself to be unable to break that twisted relationship you are having with him.

Miroku walked back inside and made up a lousy excuse why he had to leave so suddenly. Inuyasha looked surprised put didn't say anything against it. He probably didn't mind going back to his apartment. He and Kagome had lived together for two months now and they behaved like a newlywed virgin couple. It was annoying, especially because he couldn't do the same with Sango.

He wasn't gay. He told himself that over and over again but it didn't seem to work. He wasn't a gay though. He could never let anyone else do him the same things Sesshoumaru did to him quite frequently. And now there was this one little question nagging in the back of his mind; why did he let Sesshoumaru do what he did? Probably because Sesshoumaru was so damn good at it. He didn't like the idea that he liked it but he did like it and there was nothing he could do about it. Sesshoumaru managed to make him feel like he was flying; it was pure ecstasy when he touched him. Sesshoumaru might be a frigid bastard who never showed emotions and liked to order people around but in bed he was totally different. Oh, he was in control all right, but he was…kinder. His way of making love was gentle and strangely loving. The first time they had slept together Miroku had been so confused about the change in Sesshoumaru that he couldn't stop staring at him. Well, that had lead to a kind of a staring contest. Their eyes had been locked the whole time they had had sex. Miroku knew that that wasn't exactly normal if you are just going to have a one night stand with a man you don't even really like. That happened only if there was something in it and he was certain they had nothing in it. Nothing at all.

It wasn't like Miroku would have hated Sesshoumaru. He just didn't like him either. Well, you couldn't blame him, he scarcely knew the man. Inuyasha rarely talked about him and when he did, it wasn't anything nice. They didn't get along well. But that wasn't a miracle, considering Sesshoumaru's cold and emotionless personality. Sesshoumaru didn't open up to anybody. He was always the same stoic-looking scientist. Sesshoumaru was majoring in chemistry and he was very good at it. Sesshoumaru seemed to be good at everything he did.

That was how they had met. Miroku had promised one of the professors to carry some papers to the chemistry lab. It had already been late at night. It was very Miroku-like to leave things at the last minute. He had opened the door and what he had seen had taken his breath away. There had been no lighting in the room but the bright full moon had been shining through the window, and there, beside the window, had stood Sesshoumaru wearing a well fitting white lab coat his long silvery hair on a loose ponytail. He was looking outside so that only the left side of his head was showing. He had looked so beautiful. Miroku hadn't recognized him at once. He had gone inside and Sesshoumaru had looked at him with his glowing golden eyes. After that it was all lust between them and they had had sex many times during the night without exchanging a single word. Then, in the morning, Miroku had woken up from his trance and had recognized his partner. It would be underestimated to say that he freaked out. But somehow it had happened again. And again. And after that several times again.

Life is a bitch. Miroku wondered yet again what Inuyasha would say if he knew what he was doing with his brother. He probably wouldn't want to see him again. That wouldn't be surprising at all. Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru hated each other. Miroku wasn't quite sure why, they just didn't get along. Miroku had asked about it once from Inuyasha but he had only huffed and said his brother was a stonehearted sorry excuse of a human who didn't know anything about affection or love. That was the end of that conversation.

Miroku stopped his musings. He hadn't notice he was already there. He stared at Sesshoumaru's door with confused feelings. Before he even raised his hand to knock the door, it opened and Sesshoumaru was staring at him with his golden eyes in his whole mighty persona. The tiniest of smirks formed to his lips and he cocked his head. "You came."

"Did I have a choice?" Miroku said bitterly and let himself in.

"You always had a choice but still you always end up coming back to me, don't you?" Sesshoumaru said in his usual monotonic way and walked past Miroku. He went to the kitchen and poured them some coffee.

"So now we're going to sit down and talk nonsense, huh?" Miroku asked.

"What would you like to do then?" Sesshoumaru asked seductively.

"Why did you call me here?"

"To drink coffee, of course."

"Stop playing with me Sesshoumaru! This is getting out of hands", Miroku spitted out.

"What is?"

"Stop playing stupid when you aren't one! This is getting out of hands, us! There shouldn't even be us! For god's sake I shouldn't even be here! Why did you have to call?" Miroku shouted storming around the kitchen.

"I called and you came. That is all there is to it, Miroku", Sesshoumaru stated calmly.

"Don't call me! I have a girlfriend."

"Then why aren't you with your girlfriend but here with me?"

"I…I don't know…" Miroku sighed and shook his head.

Sesshoumaru walked behind Miroku and wrapped his arm around him. He kissed the back of his neck and murmured in his ear: "Don't you like doing this? You didn't seem to mind last night, or the night before."

Miroku tried to struggle but it was useless. He couldn't even but up a proper fight. Sesshoumaru smiled and his lips moved drawing a trail of hot kisses on Miroku's sensitive neck. "See? You don't mind at all", Sesshoumaru whispered in his ear huskily and Miroku was lost. It was horrible, just a few moves from Sesshoumaru and he was unable to fight back. He didn't know what to do. A part of him wanted to give in to Sesshoumaru, to let him do what he wanted and just enjoy the ride, but the other part of him told him to run while he still could. Sesshoumaru's hands started to wander over his body and resisting became even harder.

"Sesshoumaru, I can't stay. Sango is waiting for me." To Miroku's surprise Sesshoumaru let him go. He walked back to the coffee machine and began to make new coffee even though he still had his old one untouched. Miroku watched Sesshoumaru's back and couldn't help but to think what kind of a body was hidden under that insulting shirt he was wearing.

"Have you told anyone about us?" Sesshoumaru suddenly asked. Miroku was taken aback.

"No, I haven't. I tried to talk to Inuyasha tonight but someone interrupted. And there's no way I could tell Sango."

Sesshoumaru stayed quiet.

"Have you told to anyone about this?" Miroku asked.

"Who would I talk to?" Sesshoumaru answered and still didn't look at Miroku. Miroku didn't know what to say. Sesshoumaru hadn't behaved like this before. "Your girlfriend is cheating on you", Sesshoumaru blurted out suddenly.

Miroku stood still for awhile and opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish on land. "What did you say?"

"You heard me." Sesshoumaru still didn't look at him.

"You're lying! She would never cheat on me!" Miroku shouted at Sesshoumaru's back.

"What's so surprising about it? You are never with her since you are also cheating on her with me so how would you know?"

"I'm NOT cheating on her. This means nothing, you're just a –"

"Yes? I'm a what?" Sesshoumaru asked in a dangerous voice.

Miroku didn't know what to say. He didn't know anything anymore. His life wasn't what he thought it to be and he hated this uncertainty. At that moment he hated everything, including Sesshoumaru, Sango and himself. "How do you know she is cheating on me?"

"She has a relationship with my professor. He was very proud of it. He bragged me about it for quite some time. I heard she is rather good in bed. You're missing a lot for not being with her."

"How dare you!" Miroku screamed and took few steps towards Sesshoumaru who still didn't face him. "You know nothing about love so how can you talk about it? Sango would never cheat on me and I'm not cheating on her. You mean nothing to me. It was just sex, exactly like you planned it to be, wasn't it?"

Sesshoumaru dropped a coffee cup. It shattered on the floor but Sesshoumaru did nothing to clean it. He just stood still as stiff as a marble statue. "Just like I planned it?" he repeated his voice not louder than a whisper. It made Miroku shiver. Sesshoumaru turned around and looked straight at Miroku's eyes. "Do you really think I planned this?" Sesshoumaru chuckled. "If you can't keep your girlfriend then don't complain to me. Go to her and fix it. But I tell you this: I never lie, and I never do anything without a reason."

Miroku was yet again stunned. He didn't understand what Sesshoumaru meant. It didn't make any sense. Miroku turned around and ran out of the apartment. He ran until his lungs burned because of the lack of oxygen. He couldn't believe it. Sango would never cheat. She was someone who couldn't do that. It had taken ages to get her to agree to go out with him because of her reserved nature. And kissing her had taken just as long time, not to mention getting her to bed. She was a person who didn't betray others.

Then, at that moment, it hit him. He had betrayed her just as badly. He knew Sango wouldn't do anything like that but now he realized that he had betrayed Sango. Before this he had only been embarrassed about it. He didn't want her to know that he had slept with a man but that wasn't the case. He was cheating on her and he hated himself for it. He felt himself stupid for not realizing it sooner. He had only been worried about Inuyasha and how he would feel betrayed. This was bad. He needed to see Sango. He was sure that if he kept trying hard enough he could still feel the same passion towards Sango that he had felt before. A picture of Sesshoumaru slashed on his vision but he shook it away. From now on he would concentrate on Sango and nothing else. He wouldn't go back to Sesshoumaru, no matter how good the sex was. Miroku walked back home and went to bed. His dreams were restless.



--

--

Three weeks had passed and Miroku hadn't heard a word from Sesshoumaru. In a way he was glad about it but on the other hand he was very sad. This just proved him to be right about him, the man was just playing with him. Things had gone pretty well with Sango. They spent a lot of time together but it was hard for Miroku to get any erotic feelings for her. He needed Sesshoumaru for that. It was strangely reversed situation.

Miroku felt himself like an animal inside a small cage. He had just gotten himself out of it but some strange force kept pulling him in again. These past weeks had showed him that he was in love with Sesshoumaru. He didn't know how the hell that had happened but that's how it was, no helping it. For the first time in his life he felt himself to be totally lost. He felt horrible guilt about what he had said to Sesshoumaru the last time they had seen each other. He wanted to apologize but he couldn't face the man. He knew that if he was to see him, he would give in and be his and that would be like stepping into a lions gage and throwing the key to the sea. It was much safer to be with Sango, even though it was like living in a lie.

Sesshoumaru had filled his thoughts constantly lately. Miroku couldn't believe what an idiot he was. Why did he always notice things when it was already too late? He was sure he had hurt Sesshoumaru's feelings. The man had behaved so strangely at that time. Perhaps his cold appearance was there just because he was afraid to get close to people. Like if he'd let someone to see his true feelings he would get hurt. No, that was impossible. Sesshoumaru wasn't like that. He was a bastard and that's the end of it. It was of no use for Miroku to think well of him since he wasn't going to see him ever again. Actually, he should stop thinking about him altogether. And no, he wasn't in love with him. It was just a sudden aberration in his head, that's all.

Miroku was walking towards Sango's apartment. He had to see the woman or he'd go insane. He was already going insane. Every time he went to see Sango, he felt like he was cheating Sesshoumaru. It was annoying as hell, especially because he had never felt like he was cheating when he had slept with Sesshoumaru and considering that Sango was his girlfriend that was exactly what he should have felt, right?

Miroku knew he was self-pitying himself but he thought it was justified in his situation. He was in love with someone he shouldn't be in love with and it didn't really help that that person happened to be a man. If this would come out, he would lose everything. Sango and Inuyasha would never forgive him, hell, he couldn't even forgive himself, and the whole campus would be in uproar. And it wouldn't be good for Sesshoumaru either. He had a bright future ahead of him, being a genius and all, and a relationship with a man was always, unfortunately, a bit questionable. World is a cruel and unfair place to live in.

Miroku remembered a conversation he had had with Sango awhile ago. They had been making a useless conversation for the whole evening and it was already hard to make up new subjects. That's when Sango had suddenly said: "Do you remember Sesshoumaru?" Miroku had been taking a sip from his coffee cup at the moment and he had nearly chocked. "You know what this one professor told me? He said that Sesshoumaru is gay!"

"What?" Miroku had squealed.

"It's true. That explains why he never agrees to go out with any of the women who have asked him, don't you think?" Sango had continued. Somehow she had seemed to enjoy talking about it.

"Asked out? You mean like…on a date?" Miroku had muttered. He knew he had sounded like an idiot but it didn't really matter. Why did she have to bring up Sesshoumaru and in a context like this?

"Yes, of course. He is rather popular, you know. Almost every woman in the campus has had wet dreams about him. He could have any woman he wanted. To think that he of all people is gay…" Sango shook her head.

"How did you hear about this?" Miroku asked. He was feeling sick.

"I told you, the professor told me. He's quite close to Sesshoumaru, or at least as close as you can be, we are talking about the Sesshoumaru after all. Well, he told me that Sesshoumaru is usually quite a workaholic; he stays at the lab long to the night. But the professor said that for the past two months he's been totally different. He even hums when he thinks he's alone and leaves early and even smiles sometimes." Miroku was astonished. Was she really talking about Sesshoumaru here?

Sango continued: "So, the professor thought that his behavior was weird so he asked what had happened. It obviously took awhile before Sesshoumaru agreed to say anything at all, but then he told him that he had met someone. Can you believe that? And then it turned out that that someone was a man, and they had been seeing each other for few months. He told him also that they had met here on the campus and that he had fallen in love with first sight. Isn't that romantic?"

Miroku had been unable to talk. That was the time he had realized he loved Sesshoumaru and it had hurt like hell. He imagined that cutting your heart out of your chest without anesthesia feels the same. Then it turned out that Sango hadn't finished yet. "So, obviously Sesshoumaru was very happy, people in love usually are, but a week ago it changed. This professor told me that all of a sudden Sesshoumaru was totally melancholic and he even made mistakes with his experiments. He even had nearly light his hair on fire. Apparently his lover had just run out of his apartment and went back to his girlfriend. Poor man. I always thought of him as a jerk because of Inuyasha but being treated like that is just way too cruel. What do you think?"

Yes, what did Miroku think? Nothing. His mind had been blank like a white sheet. In a situation like that, what could he have done? He couldn't even remember how the evening had ended. Even now, after two weeks, when he walked to Sango, his chest burned with guilt and agony. Still, he couldn't go back.

Miroku arrived to Sango's apartment and opened the door; Sango had given him the key at that day three weeks ago, just before he met with Inuyasha. At the moment Miroku stepped in he noticed something was amiss. He walked to the living room and got a shock. There was Sango and the professor Sesshoumaru had been talking about. They weren't exactly making a polite conversation. It seemed like they had passed that state long ago. The professor looked like he wanted to suck Sango's face of and their hands where everywhere. Then Sango noticed Miroku standing there mouth dropped like an idiot.

"I can explain", she blurted out and pushed the man off of her.

Miroku recovered from his shock and was surprised how collected he actually managed to be. Perhaps he had learned something from Sesshoumaru. "I'm sure you can. I was wondering how you could know so much about Sesshoumaru. That wasn't exactly something you just chitchat about, right?"

"Miroku, I…" Sango started but couldn't continue.

"Yeah, I know. I was never there for you and so on. Let's just stop pretending. You obviously don't love me anymore and to be honest, I don't love you either."

Sango looked shocked. "What? You don't? Well… I guess that was pretty obvious. You didn't even touch me anymore."

"It seems to me that you got your appetite quite well satisfied." The professor sat on the couch and looked like he wanted to jump to a hole on the ground and never come up again.

"I'm so sorry Miroku! I didn't mean to hurt you like this. You know it's not like me to cheat or anything but I –"

"It's okay."

"Huh?"

"I slept with Sesshoumaru." Statement met a death silence. "Yes Sango, the bastard who broke his heart and came back to his girlfriend was me."

--

--

Okay, let's make things clear. If you get yourself a girlfriend, don't sleep with your best friend's brother and if you do, don't tell the woman about it. Especially if she masters more than one martial arts. And if you are stupid enough to do all this, you are going to find yourself in a state, where you have no friends and no girlfriend, only a crushed heart and even more crushed face. But most importantly, don't you ever ever fall in love with the man you slept with.

Miroku was miserable. He was walking again, this time without a clear heading and to top it all, it was raining like someone in heaven was pouring buckets to the ground. How many times you can yet go down when you already think you can't go any more lower?

Things with Sango hadn't turned out well. She had been like a total madwoman. She beat the hell out of him and then she had run to Inuyasha and Kagome to tell what had happened. It doesn't require a genius to work out that Inuyasha was furious. Only Kagome had been able to keep a cool head but even she couldn't forgive him what he had done to her best friend. Everyone conveniently forgot that it was Miroku who had found Sango doing things with one of the professors. Life is a bitch.

Miroku didn't know what to do. He had tried so hard to run away from the gage but it hadn't turned out well. He didn't know why he was so stubborn. He could just go to Sesshoumaru couldn't he? Obviously there was someone that wanted him. It was just so hard to swallow your pride and give up. Miroku knew that if he were to go to Sesshoumaru he could never leave him again and that frightened him. He had fallen in love so deeply and so imperceptibly that it wasn't even believable. This whole thing seemed to be such a cliché that if he had known it to happen to someone else he probably would have laughed.

Miroku stopped and looked up to the sky. Rain wiped his face and mixed with his tears. He was so stupid. He could have prevented this from happening, so why hadn't he? This was ridiculous! But it was useless to fight anymore at this point. Miroku started running. He ran the whole way to Sesshoumaru apartment. He stopped right behind his door.

Miroku was just about to knock when the door opened, just like it always did. A very unusually untidy looking Sesshoumaru was looking at him with his golden eyes. He looked tired and his long hair was a mess but it didn't matter, he was always handsome. He was always gorgeous, and now more than ever.

Miroku jumped on to him hand crushed their lips together in a heated kiss. Sesshoumaru took a step back and pulled Miroku with him. He closed the door behind them. Miroku broke the kiss and hugged Sesshoumaru. Now that he thought about it he had never done this before. It felt quite nice. Very nice in fact.

"I knew you would come back to me", Sesshoumaru whispered in his ear. His voice sounded different than before. It was full of emotions now and Miroku liked it, loved it actually.

"No you didn't", Miroku whispered back, "but you hoped I would". Miroku looked at Sesshoumaru in his eyes and they both knew that either one of them wouldn't have to wait anymore. Perhaps this love was going to get them even further down than they already were but then they would at least go down together. This was their bittersweet love and they wouldn't let it go.

Hey! This is Valtiatar. I've never written anything quite like this, not even in Finnish but it didn't turn out to be as bad as I expected. There are probably some spelling or grammar errors though, sorry about that... Did you hate it? Should I keep writing stories like this or should I just give it up? Tell me, please.

Yours truly, Valtiatar

P.S. I added an epilogue. Feel free to dismiss it if you feel that this is a perfect place to end it. Epilogue is for those who need a bit...lighter...closing.