Rogues in Wonderland
"All right, kiddies, I know you've had an exciting day with your cousin Alice, but now it's bath and beddie-bye time," announced the Joker, entering the room where his twin children, Arleen and J.J., were having a tea party with a little blonde girl, Alice Tetch. Her guardian and adopted father, Jervis Tetch, observed the party with a pleased expression, the exact opposite of the expression on the twins' faces.
"It hasn't been an exciting day," retorted J.J., glumly. "We've had to sit through three tea parties…"
"Eight poems that Alice had to recite," chimed in Arleen.
"And five dress up games as the March Hare and the White Rabbit," finished J.J. "I don't mind dressing up, but bunny isn't top of my list. What do I look like, a furry?"
"What the heck is a furry?" asked Joker, puzzled.
"You can look it up on the internet, but you don't wanna know," said J.J. "I mean, some people on there call you and Mommy weird, Daddy, but I don't think you even qualify on the scale of weird on the internet."
"I think it's been a most delightful day," commented Tetch. "We must have these playdates more often between the twins and Alice. I like her socializing with children her own age – she's stuck at home with just me for company all the time."
"You're wonderful company, Uncle Jervis," replied Alice, sipping from her teacup with her pinky lifted, as she had been taught. "And you don't get tired of my tea parties, or my recitations."
"Or dressing up in a bunny costume, if I know Tetchy," muttered Joker.
"I don't dress up as a rabbit – I'm the Mad Hatter," retorted Tetch. "So I just dress the way I always dress for our tea parties."
"Speaking of weird, why did you decide to dedicate your life to impersonating a character from a kid's book?" asked J.J. of Tetch.
"Why did your parents decide to dedicate their lives to impersonating clowns?" retorted Tetch.
"Because Daddy fell into some acid that drove him crazy, and Mommy loves him so she just goes along with it," replied Arleen.
"Pretty much," agreed Joker, nodding. "What's your excuse, Hatty?"
"I don't need an excuse!" snapped Tetch. "The Carroll novels have been a constant comfort for me throughout my life. Why should a man not dedicate himself to the things he loves?"
"I guess that's fair," said J.J., shrugging.
"In your parents' social circle, young man, I am not the strangest persona by a long shot," continued Tetch. "And I'm hardly the only person to have dedicated my life to an unattainable ideal."
"Well, that's true," agreed J.J. "Aunt Ivy wants to destroy humanity and cover the world in foliage, and that's a pretty unrealistic goal. I mean, who would she feed to her plants if she eradicated humanity? Not that I'd ever dream of questioning Aunt Ivy, and frankly, if she wants to eliminate me when the plant revolution comes, I'll be tempted not to refuse her…"
"Why that book, though?" asked Arleen, changing the subject. "Why Alice in Wonderland?"
"My dear child, that seems a rather obvious question," replied Tetch. "Your parents must have read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland to you, in which case, you're aware of its genius. Its appeal is obvious the moment you read it."
"Actually, our parents have never read it to us," said Arleen.
"We've seen the movie," spoke up J.J. "The cartoon and the live action one…"
Tetch gaped at them in horror, looking as if someone had just stabbed him in the heart. "You've never…read…" he stammered. "What…sort of childhood have you had?"
"A damn good one, thanks," retorted Joker. "But when the kiddies want a story, I prefer to improvise one myself rather than read something some dead pedophile wrote two-hundred years ago."
"There's no evidence Carroll was a pedophile!" snapped Tetch.
"Right. Just like there's no 'evidence' you're one," said Joker, making air quotation marks. "Nothing but a lotta incriminating circumstances…"
"I would hardly have been granted custody of my goddaughter if such circumstances were true," retorted Tetch. "But this isn't about me – it's about you depriving your children of the finest work of literature ever created! It's frankly abusive, and shows a huge lack of parenting skills!"
"Actually, Daddy, could you tell us your version of the Alice in Wonderland story for our bedtime story tonight?" asked Arleen, hopefully.
"Yeah, Daddy will make it better," said J.J., confidently. "You should stay and listen too, Uncle Jervis and Cousin Alice. I bet Daddy will improve upon the original one hundred percent."
"I am not going to sit here and listen to some clown's bastardization of my life's work!" snapped Tetch. "Nor will I allow my goddaughter to do so!"
"I'd like to hear, Uncle Jervis," protested Alice. "How will I know that your version is the best version unless I listen to others and compare them?"
"You'll know because I tell you so," retorted Tetch.
"Now that's not in the spirit of scientific inquiry, is it, Tetchy?" asked Joker, grinning. "Thought you nerd types were all about experimenting. In a sciency way, of course, not a sexual way – nerds rarely get any action to experiment in that way…"
"I'll thank you not to talk about such things in front of children," interrupted Tetch. "Nor to corrupt my goddaughter's mind with impure versions of the Wonderland stories. Now come along, my dear – we're going home."
"But Uncle Jervis, I want to listen!" whined Alice as Tetch tried to pull her away. She suddenly dug her heels in, opened her mouth, and began shrieking at top volume and without drawing breath.
"Good Lord, Alice, what on earth has gotten into you?" demanded Tetch, clapping his hands to his ears. "You never misbehave, and you certainly never shriek!"
"It's a trick we taught her," said Arleen, proudly. "If grown-ups don't let you do what you want, refuse to move and scream at the top of your lungs. They change their minds real quick."
"Especially when there's two of you," chimed in J.J. "You can time the shrieking so that when one of you pauses to take a breath, the other carries on, so it's just a continuous racket. It's hugely effective."
"Boy, is it ever," muttered Joker.
"Puddin', I heard shrieking, what do the kiddies want and why haven't you given it to them yet?" demanded Harley Quinn, hurrying into the room.
"It ain't the kiddies – it's the creepy, weird orphan," retorted Joker. "Oh…sorry, kid, I only meant to call you that behind your back," he said to Alice.
Alice looked about ready to burst into real tears at this, and she turned her upset face and trembling lip to her guardian, whose anger melted instantly. "Oh, please don't cry, my love! What can I do to make it better, my angel?" he asked desperately, looking more upset than she did.
"Maybe…you can let me listen to Uncle Joker's…story," stammered Alice, wiping her nose with her sleeve.
"Yes, of course, my precious," said Tetch. "Now dry those eyes. With a handkerchief, of course," he said, handing her one. "You've been taught manners, and only ill-bred people use their sleeves, and you wouldn't want to be thought of as ill-bred, would you?"
"God forbid," said Joker, sarcastically.
"What story, puddin'?" demanded Harley. "This ain't an excuse to get outta doing the dishes again, is it?"
"What do I look like, a woman?" demanded Joker. "I don't do the dishes!"
"Please, Mommy, let him tell the story instead," pleaded Arleen.
"Yeah, Mommy, please," agreed J.J. They began alternating whiny "pleases," giving her puppy dog eyes.
"Puddin', this is serious!" snapped Harley, trying to ignore them and focusing on Joker. "You always stick me with the chores while you go tell the kiddies some story or other, and I'm sick of it! You're a grown man, with a grown man's responsibilities, and I can't be the only responsible adult in this house! Our relationship should be a partnership, with the two of us sharing responsibilities equally, not me doing all the work and you going off and having fun without me! I won't put up with it, not anymore! You ain't telling the kiddies any story until you've done your share of the housework!"
Joker said nothing, but suddenly seized her around the waist and kissed her. She resisted at first, but then melted into his arms with a contented sigh.
"Fine," she murmured when he drew away at last. "I'll take care of it."
"Works every time!" chuckled Joker as Harley headed back to the kitchen. "It's the old Joker charm, kiddos – never fails!"
"Yay! Story time, story time, story time!" exclaimed Arleen, clapping her hands as she and her brother piled next to their father as he took a seat on the sofa.
"Depending on how bad this is, I might have to leave in the middle of it, as I did with the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland," said Tetch, sitting down next to Alice. "Jonathan was not pleased – Burton is one of his favorite directors, but he really ruined that story by giving it a story. The essence of the book is its lack of plot."
"Well, I hate to break it to you, Tetchy, but I'm also a guy who likes a plot," said Joker. "And I thought that Burton version was all right. That Johnny Depp was a better Mad Hatter than you ever thought about being."
Tetch had a murderous look in his eyes. "I might forgive that if you do the story justice," he muttered. "But probably not."
"Y'know, I've never actually read it," said Joker, shrugging. "So I'm gonna just have to make up the story as I go along, and throw in some Wonderland elements. But being locked up in Arkham with you for years should give me a pretty good idea of those. There's like a Queen of Hearts and a smoking worm, huh?"
"Caterpillar," corrected Tetch.
"Same difference," said Joker. "And you know what I think will really improve the story? Putting in some clowns."
"Yay, clowns!" exclaimed Arleen, clapping again. "Put you and Mommy in the story!"
"Oh, I'll be putting in quite a few familiar faces, don't you worry, princess," chuckled Joker.
Tetch sighed again, preparing to cover Alice's ears should things really get out of hand narratively. Which he was sure they would very quickly.