Semi-Standard-Disclaimer: I don't own the shows starring America's two most favorite animated sitcom families, Family Guy and The Simpsons; I don't own any of their characters or their famous places such as Moe's, The Drunken Clam, The Power Plant, Happy-Go-Lucky-Toys Company, etc. Although that would be 'freakin' sweet if I owned them.' BUT! I did make this story where they collide, with the help of my friend Mr. Sanchez. Well, here it is: FAMILY GUY/ THE SIMPSONS: WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE!
Meanwhile, in Springfield…
Homer was sitting on the couch, trusty Duff companion in hand, even trustier remote in hand, watching the Channel Six Six-O'clock news.
" I ain't doin' nuttin, 'specially not throwing ma head inta ma active incinerator, or recitin' lyrics, said the crazy, confused drunken yokel, who was, at that time, definitely thrusting his head relentlessly into his incinerator, while quoting various lyrics from the CDs, 'The Ballads of Benjamin Franklin,' and 'What Da Hell You Lookin' at, G?' Later, we'll take a look at the new phenomenon sweeping the nation, known as 'blinking.'
This is Kent Brockman, Channel Six, Six-O'clock news. More news at nine," the reporter said.
The first commercial was interesting to Homer, or maybe he was just drinking too much, or maybe he was staring too much into the sun. He didn't know. He wasn't a doctor…or was he?
"Are YOU tired of your boring life?" The commercial guy asked, slamming down his fists on a table with an insane smile.
Homer looked around and saw the winged-dog chasing mecha-Snowball… Snowball Two? It didn't matter. (Seriously, how many times did she have to get a new cat?)
"Yeah, why not?"
"Are YOU tired of your stupid job?"
"Oh, well that's easy enough: Hell yeah!"
"That's great! But what's even greater is that I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico!"
"D'OH!"
(Simpsons Tune)
It seems today
That all ya
See is violence in movies
And sex on TV.
But where
Are those good-ol'
Fashioned values?
That on we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy!
Lucky there's a man
To positively tell you
All the things that
Make us
Laugh and cryyy!
He's! Our! Family! Guyyy!
Lois entered the foyer, soaked from her red hair to her shoes, fuming with anger. She spotted her target, her fat target, sitting on the couch, mindlessly watching the damn idiot box called "TV." To Peter, it was "the box of God."
She stomped to the rug that was placed between the TV and the couch. She stood firmly in front of the TV to get Peter's attention. Peter tilted his head to one side to try and see the TV.
"Uh, Lois, I can't see the box of God," Peter complained.
Lois glared at Peter, motioning to her wet body. (Sorry if it sounded perverted, couldn't think of anything else.)
"Whoa, Lois! You have a sick mind! We can do that later, when the government comes to pick up Elmo."
"Elmo go to wrong fundraiser…again," said the caged Elmo. (1)
"PETER YOU IDIOT! Haven't you wondered why I'm wet? It's because when I opened the washing machine, water burst out all over me! Didn't I tell you to turn off the machine after twenty minutes!" Lois burst at Peter.
"HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE MACHINE?" Stewie, who was on the floor, surrounded by world domination books, yelled at Lois immediately.
Peter, Lois, and Brian (who was sitting next to Peter) stared at Stewie with wide eyes.
"Why does he keep mentioning that?"
"What does he mean?"
"Can you move away from the box of God?"
"Umm…you heard nothing! I'm just uh…reading my books! Yes, that's it! I'm reading! Just a one-year-old reading… No, dammit! Babies don't read!" Stewie cried.
He stood there for a moment and ran upstairs yelling, "Blast!"
"Lois, I already turned off the washing machine, right after you left," Peter protested.
"What? No you didn't," Brian countered.
Flashback
"Peter, in twenty minutes I want you to shut off the washing machine," Lois asked of Peter.
"Yeah, okay, Roseanne," Peter said, not taking his eyes off the TV.
Lois walked upstairs.
"Wow, twenty minutes already?"
"Yeah, the author just wanted to speed things up."
Lois entered the room, soaking wet.
End of Flashback
"Oh yeah, I forgot," Peter said.
Suddenly there was a flash of light.
"What the hell was that?" Peter thought aloud lamely. The doorbell rang. Lois waited for Peter or Brian to answer it, when none of them did, she went to answer it.
She opened the door, and said in a nervous voice, "Peter, you might want to come here…"
"Eh, alright, fine." He walked behind the couch and tripped on something.
"Ss…ah! SS…ah! SS…ah!" He looked at what he had tripped on: a clod of dust.
He got up and fell face first onto the carpet, and he heard a very familiar snicker. He got up again and went to the door, Lois stepped aside, and Peter greeted the family at the door: A bald man in blue pants and a white shirt, a woman in a green dress with an orange pearl necklace and blue hair with a baby in her arms, a boy in blue shorts and an orange shirt, and a girl in an orange dress and a white pearl necklace, and a runty, brown dog.
Peter gasped. "Holy crap! It's the Jettsons!"
"Peter, they're not the Jettsons!"
"The Flintstones?"
"No."
"The Tanners?"
"No."
"The-"
"For God's Sake, Peter! They're the Simpsons!"
"Hmm…hey, I know! They're the Cosby's!"
Meanwhile, in the kitchen…
"We have no idea why we're here, Lois! It was all so strange! There was this huge flash of light, the dog was walking up the wall, the cat was discoing to Do the Hustle, Lisa was yelling something, Bart's pants flew off of him and did a strange dance, Maggie started doing 10th grade equations in LATIN, and Homer was looking at a chair that was suspended in air, upside down, spinning, when he was on that chair, spinning with it!" Marge explained to Lois.
"S-so m-any pl-plungers…" Homer whimpered.
"Homee, there were no plungers!"
"You didn't see the plungers or the man in magenta?"
Marge shook her head as Homer curled up into a ball on the floor and started to cry and whimper.
Meanwhile, in Chris' room…
Chris was behind of barricade of books (he has books?), pillows, clothes, while Bart was about to open the closet, slingshot at the ready.
"Sooo…, the monkey's in here?"
"Y-y-YES! Kill it, Bart!"
"Okay, but this could get ugly, so, close your eyes." Chris did as he was told. Bart turned around, and aimed for Chris' nose, and let go of the thing that you fire with a slingshot and the rock hit Chris square in the nose.
Chris opened his eyes immediately and ran out of the room, screaming, "AHH! ELMO RETURNS!"
Bart ran out of the room, laughing. Seconds later, the closet doors burst open, and the monkey came out, screaming and throwing tantrums, but stopped and looked around confused when no one was there.
Meanwhile, in Meg's room…
"So…umm…you…have any books?"
"Nothing you would like…"
"So, what's your favorite subject at school? I'm fascinated by-"
"MOM!"
In the kitchen, while the two mothers were washing dishes…
"That was a wonderful dinner you cooked, Lois!"
"Your pie wasn't bad either, Marge."
"Y'know, together we could-"
At that moment, Brian, along with Santa's Little Helper, Stewie, along with Maggie, ran in the kitchen.
"Lois, how the hell am I supposed to communicate with this!" Brian and Stewie spoke in unison, gesturing to their counterparts.
"Sorry, Stewie, Maggie doesn't talk yet," informed Marge.
"And Brian, you should know dogs from most TV shows don't talk!"
"Yeah, Brian, you damn, stupid mutt!" Stewie taunted Brian with a slap.
Brian slapped Stewie back who started crying.
"Wahh! Mommy, mommy! Mean doggie hit me!" Lois picked up Stewie, and winked at Brian. At that time, a car crashed through the side door and a fat drunken man with brown hair who looked like he had been through a cowboy convention stepped out of the car and yelled, "Burp KANPIIII!" (That's what you say in Japan when you are about to propose a toast.)
Meanwhile, at the Drunken Clam….
"This, Homer, is the Drunken Clam! It's a place where a bunch of lowlifes like us come to gather and get drunk and booze it up! Hehehehe! I said 'Come.'"
"Wow, another place I can call home. That's seven-thousand, nine hundred and two homes!"
A man with a torn, "President" sash in beaten-up rags walked up to Homer.
"Spare change, o kind and skinny one?" He started to kiss Homer's feet.
"Get lost, George." Peter kicked George to the ground and George made his way to the exit. Many people yelled…
"Go to your box!"
"Don't come back!"
"You screwed up the government beyond repair!"
"See? Total lowlifes," Peter told a nodding Homer.
They picked two stools and ordered their beer, and Homer was surprised to see…
"Moe! What are you doing here?"
"Oh, gee, Homer, I don't know! I'm a bartender, and this happens to be a bar, so why the hell would I be here!"
"Yeesh, someone's touchy!"
Horace walked up to Moe.
"Hey! You stole my clothes design!"
"Oh yeah? I've been on the air for about; oh I dunno, 16 years? And you've been on, what, five? Bring it on, cabana boy!"
Moe and Horace got into a fight, and while Peter was drinking his beer, Homer noticed Carl & Lenny sitting at a booth by Cleveland and Quagmire.
"What are you two doing here? I thought you guys were killed in that parrot accident!"
"Homer, what are you talking about? We just suddenly were here, and it looks like we found our counterparts! And what the hell is a parrot accident!" Lenny informed and inquired.
"Yup, and I found a black friend, too!" Carl replied happily, gesturing to Cleveland.
"There's just one thing that Quagmire and I don't have in common…"
"What's that?" Homer asked.
Quagmire was at another table, sitting next to a gorgeous woman.
"Heh, heh, so, uh…you wanna come back to my place and get some eh-er-eh-er-eh-er-eh-er? Heh, all right!"
The woman slapped him and left.
"Yeah, so I'll see ya soon! Just after all those other chicks that said they'd see me soon but never saw me again! Huh, this is what happened every time…" Quagmire called.
"I see what you mean."
Peter walked over to the table they were sitting at.
"Holy crap, its Barney and Mr. Stone from the Flintstone's! I am like your biggest fans! Hey, ya would paper sign my?" Peter asked Lenny and Carl, clearly drunk. He passed an ear of corn and the Declaration of Independence to Lenny and Carl.
"Peter, you do know that's an ear of corn and the Declaration of Independence, don't you?" Cleveland asked Peter.
"Ah, shuddup, ya stupid-Gasp Its Gilligan and the Skipper!" Homer replied with glee, pointing to Carl and Lenny.
"Hey, Skipper, it looks like those guys are talking about us. You don't think they…?" Gilligan, who was sitting next to the Skipper at the bar, asked.
"Of course not, little buddy. Let's go home."
They walked off.
At that moment, Joe and Stephen Hawkins came in the bar and wheeled up to Peter's table.
"Hey Peter! I see you got Homer Simpson. I got Stephen Hawkins," Joe said with a sad tone.
"Why am I here? This does not compute compute compute compute compute 122 l33t wow lol omfg wtf!" Stephen Hawkins typed on his computer at maximum volume until part of his wheelchair exploded.
"Oh damn. What am I to do?" Hawkins' computer voice spoke as slow as possible.
Meanwhile, back at the house…
Lois looked at the clock as Stewie was reluctantly using his machines to "fix" the wall.
"Its getting late, maybe I should call the bar," Lois worried.
Stewie's robot wheeled up to Stewie, who was kicking back on a chaise lounge.
"Why can you not fix the wall? Why am I doing this? I had better be paid well for this," the Robot complained to Stewie.
"You're not getting paid! And you better damn fix that wall or else no Robots Gone out of System Control!" Stewie warned. "sigh I'm as hopeless as I was in World War Three…"
FLASHBACK
Inside a daycare room, Stewie was hiding behind a bookcase and crying, while many brave men and women were losing their lives at the hands of killer babies armed with bunnies.
Stewie looked around the corner of the bookcase and a man fell right next to him, cuddling a bunny. Stewie cried harder.
END FLASHBACK
"Lois, they'll be home soon-," Marge started.
At that moment right where Stewie's robot was working, a car destroyed all of the robot's work by crashing through the wall, making the hole bigger, crushing the robot.
"Oh well, he's expendable!" Stewie reassured.
"Oh no! Not again! This is worse than the alternate ending of Star Wars!" Lois cried.
"Alternate…ending?" Marge asked.
FLASHBACK
Inside a spaceship, a woman lie strapped to a stretcher where Luke Skywalker had his light saber poised to impale the eyes.
Okay, we're gonna make a slight incision there, and we should be done!" Luke told the woman.
Obi-Wan appeared.
"Luke, use the force."
"Really? Because I was just-," Luke started.
"Luke, just use the Force."
Luke sighed, as he closed his eyes and the saber went right through the woman's eyes.
"There, are you happy now?"
"I've never been happy."
END FLASHBACK
"Didn't we use that one before?" Stewie asked.
Peter, Homer, and Ronald McDonald stepped out of the car, singing in a chorus, "I fell asleep while watching Spike TV, after ten cups of coffee and you're still not here!"
They collapsed on the floor and started licking it.
"Peter, what the hell are you doing?" Lois yelled.
"And what's Ronald doing with you!" Marge yelled.
"HA! I knew the fat man sucked at singing!" Stewie yelled with his 'Victory is mine!' tone and ran upstairs. He could be heard saying, "Yes, that's right, Deep Throat, now cough up! What? You don't do bets anymore? You give secret information to government workers? Goodbye? Dial tone? Dammit!"
"Well you try and put up with all these stupid screaming kids that want candy all day without a beer! Better yet, try to wear this suit! AHHHH!" Ronald screamed as he ran out the door. A crash and a scream could be heard.
"Goes there hero America greatest chinchilla!" Homer said drunkenly.
"We picked up old Magenta Beard outside the bar, Hehehehe!" Peter laughed, picking himself up, then falling on the floor.
"MAGENTA! AHHH!" Homer screamed, running straight into Bigfoot.
"Hey, Bigfoot! Would you save me from the magenta man?" Homer asked, pointing to the clock.
"Hey, this isn't about me, it's about you," Bigfoot said as he walked off.
"Dammit, he always says that when we need him!" Peter said, as everyone nodded in agreement.
At the Quahog science lab or whatever the hell you wanna call it…
Professor Frink and Stephen Hawkins were working on a way to get everyone back to Springfield.
"Ah, yes, now we should be able to go back to Springfield with the confusion, the yelling and Gahoivenggoigen!" Professor Frink screamed.
"Would you shut up, I am trying to wuheufufvjqurereu!" Hawkins' computer started to mess up.
"Entering truth mode…Frink is retarded. Frink is a woman. Frink is a virgin. I hate Frink! I hate Frink!"
"Uh…gahoivegoid!" Frink gulped.
Suddenly they disappeared.
At Joe's house…
Joe's Hawkins' tracker indicated that Hawkins' wasn't with them anymore.
"YESS! ALRIGHT!"
At Quagmire's house…
Patty and Selma were about to get in bed with Quagmire when…
"All right!" They disappeared. "What! No, it's not alright!" He started crying in his bed.
Everywhere else, people were returning to Springfield.
At the Griffins…
There was a flash of light, and when the light evaporated, the Simpson's were gone.
"Huh. Well that was weird," Peter remarked.
Back in Springfield, everyone was back where they should be.
"Homee, we're back! But I can't help but think we forgot something…" Marge stated.
"Ah whatever it was, it probably wasn't important."
Back in Stewie's secret torture room…
Bart and Lisa were in chains, tied to the wall, while Maggie was laughing at them and doing equations in Latin.
Stewie edged closer to them, shotgun at ready.
"Now, tell me what Springfield you REALLY live in!" He said, pointing the gun at the two.
They spoke in unison.
"Okay! We live in!"
THE END.
See the Simpsons hate America episode.
Thanks for reading! Sorry the end was so lame, but I hoped ya enjoyed it! NO FLAMES!