Rated T for angst and mature emotional situations, I think is how I would put it.
Was it love she felt when she caught him staring at her? Was it admiration, some sort of devotion that shined in his eyes when she noticed him spying looks at her? Or was it something else? Something more sinister, something more tragic...
When he looked at her with those devoted eyes, was it her that he really looked at? Or was it Kikyo?
Was it Kikyo he longed for in the middle of the night when he hopped down from his perch in the trees to sit more closely to her? Was it Kikyo he thought of every time they had kissed? He thought of Kikyo all the time, so with all the time he had for thinking, why couldn't he spend one second of it empathizing with her?
Why couldn't he see through her eyes, the pain he was causing her. He told her one thing; that they couldn't be together. That because of Kikyo, he couldn't be with her. He couldn't see her, yet his actions always said otherwise. He was always close to her, too close, twisting her insides with not only hope, but defeat as well.
It was her fate to watch him leave her. It was her fate for him to leech off of her until there was nothing left, only to bound back to his precious Kikyo afterwards.
"Kagome-Sama, are you alright?" Miroku had found her sitting on the brown-colored grass by the river bank. Although her arms were covered, her skirt offered no cover against the harsh autumn winds.
"Miroku, do you think my hair is too wavy?" She had asked abruptly, turning her head to gaze at him with lamenting eyes. The monk wore a tight frown on his face as he took a seat by her, crossing his legs as he set his staff down, onto the dead patch of grass next to him.
"What did he do this time?" Miroku questioned knowingly, to which she frowned and looked away.
"Nothing. Nothing happened." She explained and he shook his head.
"Nothing?" He asked and she nodded her head.
"Then why are you out here sulking? When you could be inside, by the fire, warm blanket, and stew." Miroku began to hint the suggestion, but Kagome lowered her eyelids and her face bent forward, her bangs hiding her eyes.
"I don't deserve it." She said with a solemn tone and Miroku shook his head with confusion.
"What are you talking about, Kagome-Sama?" He asked, but her shoulders trembled although she stayed silent.
"How can he choose her?" She finally asked, her voice scorned, her face revealing an ugliness Miroku had never seen before.
"I do so much for him, but he doesn't care! Kikyo this, Kikyo that, but where has she been this whole time!? Helping Naraku and doing horrible things! Stealing people's souls... And we're supposed to just let her get away with it..?" She went from her abruptly manifested anger, back to a lachrymose sadness.
"Ever since the first time we met, he thought I was Kikyo, but then when he realized—he said it then too. I'm not as pretty. I don't smell as good, whatever it was, he told me then, way back then. I should have known." Her voice climbed in pitch before it sounded as if it died altogether. Miroku wore a somber expression as he felt an all-new inner turmoil. Finally, Inuyasha had managed to somehow do it. Kagome who was pure and whose personality shined bright, Kagome who cared about everyone and lived to help others, she had been made jealous. She had been forced to be hurt. Inuyasha always led her on, Inuyasha wouldn't even let her talk to another guy if she had wanted to.
"Why does he do it?" Her weeping voice got out between shaky breaths, her tone a mere whisper.
"I-" Miroku gazed at her tear-stricken face, her nose was runny and her eyes along with her cheeks were puffed red and splotchy.
"I don't know, but I know what you can do." Miroku said and she looked a little confused through her tears, her eyebrows knitting close together.
"Only you have the power to make this right Kagome-Sama, I know it's hard, but you already know what you have to do." He said as he placed a hand on her shoulder to offer moral support.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself, you're better than Kikyo. Your alive and she's despicable. Inuyasha is the one who is blind." Miroku said as he grabbed his staff and began to gently stand up.
"You don't have to do anything, but I think it would be best for you to follow your heart. Do what you think is right." Those were his departing words before he began away, towards the village to let her mull it all over. He wasn't going to suggest leaving Inuyasha. They would all admit that without him, they wouldn't get nearly as much done. Although Inuyasha was blade-happy and always jumped into battle without thinking first, he was their best tracker. He was fast and strong and most of all, their friend.
He did things that could baffle the brightest, but at the end of the day, they wouldn't abandon him. Kagome fell in love with him for good reason, he was dependable and strong, but an emotional mess. He could barely figure out his own emotions let alone realize how horrible of a mess he'd caused for everyone else.
No, he already had too many problems to think of, and with the whole Kikyo and Kagome thing, he probably felt like someone was playing a dark, cruel joke on him. Miroku frowned. He could see the viewpoints of both his friends, so, therefore, he couldn't do anything about it, only Kagome could.
I Deserve More
It was with steps of trepidation that Kagome left the river bank in search if something more. Something solid, something she could physically feel. Everything about this situation hurt her, no matter what she did, at the end of the day, she was the loser. How could she get out of this mess? How could she stop feeling such despair?
It felt like the air had been knocked out of her, but instead of that feeling, it was more like the one where you feel like you got sucker punched in the solar plexus, it just never went away for her. It sat there, heating her abdomen and churning her stomach. It stewed within her being and slowly began to plant the first seeds that would eventually blossom into something she hoped to never know. Horrendous, aching jealousy.
Kagome bit her lip, the cold air still not affecting her, she was so lost in her thoughts. She wished it was easy as just deciding she didn't love him anymore. If only such things were even possible. Often the heart was blind. As of recent, Kagome was seeing a correlation between her heart and acts of sheer dumbness. She would do anything for Inuyasha blindly, she was so heart-stricken with him. It made her sick! He used her and used her and didn't even seem to notice or care.
"Kagome?" His voice was like the old concrete of a favored sidewalk. It was rough with an edge to it, yet held a trustworthiness to it, you knew you would be taken home on this path. His voice was her path, he would lead and she would follow. Sadly, she knew he could say jump and she would say 'okay'. Then she would jump to the depths of her end. A frown formed on her face as she slowly turned to face him. He looked like his usual self. Two furry ears were crowned atop his long length of silvery hair. His amber eyes gazed at her with unease, tortured her soul with that beady-eyed look. How could she completely end things when he looked at her like that? As if she wasn't in enough pain already.
"We have'ta talk." He stated and she narrowed her eyes slightly. She had heard that line one too many times, albeit, mostly from soap operas and a good many of books. When she didn't say anything, he came closer and really looked her over. As his eyes swept over her, he tucked his hands into his sleeves and straightened his back up.
"I realized all the things ya do." He began as he closed his eyes and muttered at himself. He felt stupid, like that was the wrong thing to say.
"You do everything Kagome. Ya cook, clean, make sure we have everything... I know I kept goin' to see Kikyo, but I don't want her Kagome, I realized… I want you." He admitted as he took in her sight. Her windswept hair fell around her shoulders, her petit waist was highly attractive. He already knew how Kagome felt about him.
"No." She stated. He flattened his ears as he gazed at her, completely caught off guard.
"No?" He asked.
"No, I won't do this Inuyasha. That's not good enough. I deserve more than this! I've worked hard, I've done my best. Now you're realizing this? After all this time? Well, you have another thing coming. I'm proud of who I am and who I am doesn't have anything to do with you." She finally got it all out. Too long had she rode on the insecurities that without him, she was nothing. No more, she would do it no more.
"Kagome-"
"No, I don't want to hear it, I'm done letting this rule me. I loved you Inuyasha, I loved you so much it killed me, but that girl is gone now." She explained, her voice stronger than ever before. It was almost as if she hadn't been crying only moments ago.
"Go back to Kikyo, I don't need your sympathy." As she said it all, it felt like she was floating. Like she was a million times lighter. All her fears were gone, nothing could stop her.
"But Kagome-" He tried again, but she motioned him to zip it.
"No, it's done, we're over." She stated and with that, she turned around and left a completely baffled Inuyasha behind in the forest. Although it had once been her worst fear to be truly single and in a sense alone, she never felt more free.
She didn't have to deny the advances of someone else because she may or may not have a boyfriend. She didn't have to avoid going home because Inuyasha didn't want her to. She didn't have to do anything she didn't want to. A smile spread across her face.
She had to find Miroku so that she could thank him. His words were always filled with wisdom, unless they were lecherous of course. As she continued on, she felt what had to be the opposite of the cursed feelings she once held deep within. As she exhaled a particularly long breath, she decided she enjoyed feeling this way, like she was thriving on life. She felt like she was figure-skating in ice-frozen pools, in a desert. Impossible and nearly unattainable, but in this moment, her normal melancholy feelings met their match with her new joyful ones.