"It's good to have you back safe and sound, Sam."

"Thanks. I wasn't sure if that'd be the case. But thanks to you guys, we live to fight another day."

Deeks ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, but sometimes it would be nice if we didn't have to fight."

"We've been through a lot, especially the last year."

Sam also needed rescuing just over one year ago, but instead of Callen, Deeks was with him. It still pained both of them to remember what Sidorov had done. However awful the experience was, it forever changed them and how they viewed each other. Their relationship, which was once filled with tension and hostility now had a foundation of unwavering respect.

"You're not kidding. Maybe a vacation would be nice. A very long vacation. One where I could go surfing and not be called into work."

"Or where there's no submarines filled with explosives to get trapped in."

Deeks face grew sober. "No nuclear weapons to track down."

"No rescue missions to Afghanistan."

"Yes to all of the above."

"So, will Kensi be joining you on this surfing vacation?" Sam was trying to suppress a smile and doing a very bad job.

"Why... why would you ask that?"

"I don't know. I guess I just assumed that things were different between you two now."

Deeks' first impulse was to deny this, but he knew that would be pointless. Things have been different between him and Kensi. Everyone could see it.

"Different is one way of putting it. Confusing would be another. So would frustrating."

Sam chuckled and shook his head.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. It's just that you remind me of someone I knew a long time ago."

"Who..."

"It's not important. So why is it so confusing?"

"Well, I guess, I don't really know where we stand. We've been partners for a long time. And it's only natural that we would get close. You put your lives in each others hands and you watch out for each other and you become... something that I just don't know what it is."

"Have you tried talking to her about it?"

"Yes. I mean, I think so. We've definitely talked, but I'm not so sure anymore if it actually made things clearer."

"Answer this for me, Deeks. Are things so confusing between you and Kensi because your relationship is just too complicated to figure out? Or it is because you're too afraid to actually define it?"

Deeks opened his mouth to answer but couldn't seem to find his voice. Sam was the first person to put a name to what had been plaguing him regarding Kensi. Fear.

"Wow. You're speechless. I think that's a first."

"Um... you think I'm afraid?"

"Are you?"

Deeks took in a deep breath and let it out. There was no sense in hiding it. "Yes, I am."

"Good."

"Good? How can you say that's good?"

"Because I think there'd something wrong with you if you weren't."

"You know, here is this person who just kind of appeared into my life and I was assigned to be her partner. At first, she was difficult and rigid and intense and frustrating. Everything was a struggle with her. And then somewhere, somehow she became the most important person in my life. I no longer worked with her and watched her back and protected her because it was my job. Now I do it because I can't imagine my life without her."

"So you're afraid of losing her? You're afraid of her dying and you being left without her?"

"Yes. Absolutely yes. But it's more than that too."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm afraid of losing who I am. I... I don't know if I can explain it."

"Deeks, please try. I probably understand more than you think."

"Sam... you and I... what they did to us last year... that was torture. That was by far the worst thing I've ever been through. Those people that did that to us... they were monsters. I have no idea how we survived that, but we did. Since then, every interrogation I've been a part of, that has been on my mind. No matter how desperate for information we might be, that is a line I can never cross. I've been on the receiving end of that and it was almost my undoing."

Deeks took a moment and Sam quietly waited for him to gather his thoughts.

"When we were in Afghanistan, I was trying to get information on Kensi's whereabouts. Then I saw that photo you guys found that made it look like she was dead."

"Wait. You saw that photo when we were over there?"

"Hetty sent it to me."

Sam took a deep breath, obviously upset. "She shouldn't have done that."

"I told her to."

"She still shouldn't have done that. You were in no position to handle seeing that picture."

"Yeah, you're probably right, considering what I did next. I was so close to just shooting that man in the chest. I wanted to see him suffer just like Kensi was suffering. I covered his head with a cloth and I... I tortured him, Sam."

Deeks ran his hands across his face, trying to compose himself.

"Sam, I was tortured for information. I know exactly what that feels like. I know exactly how terrifying that is. How it makes you feel like less of a human being. And I did it to someone else. I was so caught up in thinking that Kensi might be dead, that I completely lost sight of everything that's important to me. So the answer is yes. I am afraid, not just of losing her, but also of losing who I am. I'm afraid of becoming a monster. I'm afraid of becoming someone who Kensi wouldn't want to be with."

There was silence between them. Sam wanted to give Deeks time to say anything that might be on his mind, but it seemed like that was no more for now.

"Wow. Have you been carrying this around by yourself this whole time?"

Deeks nodded. "You're the first person I've told. Honestly, I haven't even admitted it to myself."

"I have to say that I completely understand everything you said. I've been in that situation more times than I'd like to remember."

"With Michelle?"

"Exactly. I know exactly what that fear is and how it feels and how easy it could be to let it overtake you. You've seen it yourself. I almost drowned Agent Snyder in front of the whole team and several other CIA agents. All because I let my emotions and fears get the better of me. And also when Sidorov had us. Deeks, from where I was sitting, I could see everything they did to you. I heard every scream. And yet, when we were finally free to get out of there, I didn't ask if you were alright. I didn't say I was sorry for all they did to you. I immediately asked if you gave up Michelle. I was so focused on her, I forgot about all you went through. Afterwards I realized what I had done. It was so easy for me to forget all that you had just suffered."

"She's your wife. I understood."

"Deeks, I have to admit something to you. Something I'm not proud of. Do you know what I would have done to you if you had given Michelle up to Sidorov?"

"No."

"Neither do I. And that terrifies me. What they did to you... how many people would have been able to endure that? What are the chances that anyone would have caved under that kind of pressure? When I think about it, I have to admit that I could not have blamed you if you did cave. But if you had, I don't know if I could have seen it objectively. I'm afraid of what I would have done to you, how I would have treated you. These are the things I think about and I worry about."

Deeks could feel a weight lifting off his mind. He seriously wondered why he didn't come to Sam sooner. "So what's the answer? There's a person in your life who means more to you than anything else. More than your own life. More than the life of anyone else who seems to be standing in your way. What do you do? How do you stop from becoming that monster?"

"I don't think there's ever a guarantee that you won't. I've done things I'm not proud of because of fear of losing her. I constantly have to keep myself in check and ask myself if I'm doing the right thing."

"Would it be best to just not get involved at all? To just keep things professional?"

"It might, if that were possible. But Michelle became important to me regardless of how I tried to control my feelings for her. Even if we never pursued a relationship, even if we remained completely professional, it didn't change the fact that just working with her, just being around her changed me. Even if we remained completely professional, I still would have given my life for her in a heartbeat. And I'd be willing to do whatever it took to keep her safe. Even if that meant crossing a line that I normally wouldn't have crossed."

"This isn't making me feel any better."

"Hear me out, Deeks. Let me ask you this. When you were in Afghanistan in that man's house, you said you crossed a line. What made you stop?

"Because it was wrong. Everything about it felt wrong."

"What was going through your mind?"

"I remembered being tied to that chair. I thought that if this was what I had to do to get what I wanted... if this was the way I was going to get Kensi back... how could she look me in the eye after what I did? How could I ever look at her and not see that man I was torturing?"

"I have to admit that if I were in your position and it was Michelle's picture we found... Even after all I've been through, I can't say I would have done anything different than you did. In fact, I can't say that I would have stopped when you did."

"So what do we do?"

"Deeks, what I'm trying to say is that I don't have all the answers. This is something that I have struggled with and will struggle with for the rest of my life. But, my life is better because Michelle is in it. Every moment when I was afraid I might lose her, every time when I could feel myself lose control, every struggle we've been through, it's been worth it because I get to share my life with her. How do I stop from becoming that monster? I may not know all the answers, but what I do know is that she helps remind me of who I am. She's the reason I keep fighting to stay true to myself and the reason I keep fighting to do the right thing."

"So she's the cause of your fear and also the cure."

"Wow, that was pretty deep."

"What can I say? I'm a pretty deep guy."

"You need to ask yourself if it's too late for you. If Kensi is already the most important person in your life, then there is no going back. You need to ask yourself if she's worth it."

Deeks didn't need to say anything out loud. Sam already knew his answer.