THE PERSONAL BLOG OF DR. JOHN H. WATSON

13th January

The Pineapple Incident

This is not exactly like my usual posts, but I thought the events of today were worth writing down, so here it is. Sherlock, his brother, Lestrade and I are eating pineapple pie right now and it's one of the strangest situations I've found myself in since moving with Sherlock. Which says something about my current life, I suppose.

The case was particularly interesting and it consumed Sherlock for the better part of the week (I won't be writing it down like I usually do, you'll see why). Finally, yesterday he cracked it and we spent some hours tracking down the man who he had deduced was the killer (a rather gruesome ordeal). After a while we ended up in a pub near the suspect's house where he was a regular. Sherlock insisted we had to "act natural", so we ordered a couple pints and waited for the man to show up. Turns out this wasn't one of his best ideas and, by the time the suspect arrived 4 hours later, we were positively sloshed.

And that's the last thing I remember.

I wake up today and enter to the sitting room just to find a pile of my damp clothes and Sherlock sleeping on the couch, stripped down to his trousers and sporting a wonderful black-eye and something like a dog collar around his neck. There was mud everywhere and a whole pineapple on the coffee table.

So, naturally, I do the same thing I do every time I wake up to something incomprehensible in 221B: I go make tea. I had no idea what had happened but Sherlock sleeps so little, I didn't want to wake him up just to ask him. Whenever we get back from a case he eats half the kitchen and then crashes down for at least 20 hours (I guess that's his way of compensating). Also, his hangover would be legendary and I wasn't sure I was prepared to face that.

I decided to call Lestrade, who told me we called him at 2 am after catching the suspect. Turns out we were somewhere in Kew when they found us. I was wrestling the suspect inside the Thames while Sherlock yelled completely useless orders from the shore. Yes, Sherlock was already half-naked, black-eyed and collared. No, he doesn't know why and we refused to explain at the time. No, he doesn't know anything about a pineapple and he thinks it's probably not evidence, but one never really knows with Sherlock.

I woke up Sherlock shortly after that, but he forced me into the bathroom before giving me any answers because I "smelled like rotten fish". Not like talking after helped any since he didn't remember much more than I did. He didn't seem to mind the black-eye much (far from his first), but his reaction to the collar was priceless. He then asked about the pineapple. I told him I thought it was his, but he said he didn't know anything about it and that he doesn't even like eating pineapples. Not like he cared about that when he brought in a 50lt barrel full of tar, but that's Sherlock for you.

Sherlock's brother came by a couple hours later. I was cleaning the sitting room and Sherlock was staring at the pineapple as if his hangover were its fault. He looked very smug but only asked about the case, so we had to prompt him to tell us what he obviously knew about last night. In the end we got him to tell us we were seen leaving the first pub by one of his minions (he didn't call them that, but they are definitely minions). The suspect had left almost as soon as he had appeared and Sherlock deduced he was going to some kind of fetish club. The madman I have for a flatmate decided we needed disguises and bought a dog collar. He then attempted to make me wear it and pretend I was the submissive part of the relationship. I punched him in the face and told him there was no bloody way I would ever be submissive to him and that he should wear it instead. And now I'm regretting I wasn't conscious enough to remember punching Sherlock in the face. I'll have to do it again. Anyway, Sherlock somehow acquiesced and we decided he should strip down to his trousers for a better effect. Even if it was the middle of January. We followed the suspect to the club, only to have Sherlock attack him with a 9-tail-whip as soon as he spotted the man (Sherlock seemingly loses any and all stealth when drunk). Unfortunately, the man he attacked only looked similar to the one we were looking for, so the attack only served to alert the real suspect and allowed him to ran away. Which brought us to the Thames.

He couldn't explain the pineapple either.

So here we are. We asked Mrs Hudson, but she didn't know anything about the pineapple either. However she did say that, seeing as we weren't using it, she'd take it. Lestrade showed up a little after. My call had left him a bit nervous and he wanted to know if we were okay. Plus, he couldn't miss the chance to see Sherlock in a dog collar. Mrs Hudson came back with a fresh pineapple pie and now we're all eating. And the case will make history as the first time Sherlock Holmes was beaten by a tropical fruit.

12 comments

Sherlock in a collar?! I'm sure half of Barts would pay to see that!

Mike Stamford 13 January 20:32

He was rather upset. The collar had some sort of lock and we didn't have the key. I refused to pick it for him, so he spent a good two hours trying to get it off.

John Watson 13 January 20:40

I can't believe even Sherlock was stumped! He always knows everything!

Jacob Sowersby 13 January 20:58

Kinky! ;)

Harry Watson 13 January 21:03

Pineapple pie sounds delicious!

Molly Hooper 13 January 21:10

Thank you, dear. I'll have John and Sherlock send you a piece when they go over tomorrow. This is Mrs Hudson, by the way.

Mrs Turner 13 January 21:13

Your blog has lost every bit of decency, if it ever had any. This is the worst thing you're written so far.

Sherlock Holmes 14 January 02:43

Shut up, Sherlock. You only hate it because you don't come off as brilliant and impressive as you usually do.

John Watson 14 January 09:14

Preposterous.

Sherlock Holmes 14 January 09:15

Sherlock is still sulking because he couldn't deduce where the pineapple came from.

John Watson 14 January 09:20

I do not sulk!

Sherlock Holmes 14 January 09:21

Yes, you do.

John Watson 14 January 09:46