Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own any member of Enterprise crew, nor any alien out there, nor there is a spaceship waiting for me on the orbit... And definitely nobody is paying me for this...

A/N: I live on your reviews... Do you like this? Don't you? Why? Please, tell me...

Warnings: slight OOCness, mentions of man/man love, some very mild swear words

Negotiations went well

Negotiations went well. That, in this case, meant no (too) loud shouting, no (visible) pulling of their weapons and only moderate insulting of each other. In fact, the last 2 hours were filled with annoyingly slow talk and unimaginative verbal games between the Emissaries. Captain James T. Kirk was bored to death.

Not even imagining Lieutenant Uhura naked and/or exchanging her uniform for something more black and more lace was able to keep his mind occupied for more than a few seconds (but such a good few seconds they were... ehm).

These negotiations were about ending the war, so it should be important. It definitely was important. Not to Federation, nor to Starfleet, and definitely not to Kirk, but somewhere in the universe just had to be some person to which all this was important. /One thing is for sure,/ Kirk thought absentmindedly, /neither of the Emissaries is that person./ They enjoyed their fighting too much for wanting it to stop indefinitely. Just like some other two people he happened to know...

He crooked his eyebrows, his thoughts making a full circle once again and coming back to the theme he tried to forget about earlier. There was something strange going on between his First Officer and his CMO in the last few weeks. Their behaviour could seem normal (as normal as constant arguing can be, anyway) to anybody else, but they couldn't fool him. It felt more... charged, more tense now. Full of some unknown emotions. Anger, maybe, or frustration, or... Jim just didn't know. Bones was acting like some stupid hedgehog, curling into a ball and prickling everybody who dared to come closer, he realized. And Spock was no better. Where in the past he indulged in baiting and inciting the good doctor, now he seemed to ignore him, even avoid him. And that just seemed to make McCoy more and more aggresive.

Did they have a fight about something? (Stupid question, they were fighting all the time.) Jim tried to ask each of them separately and when that failed, both of them at once, what was going on, but they both cleverly sailed out of it, avoiding his question and changing the topic. He could make it Captain's order, but he knew them well enough to know that that wouldn't help. That was not the way. But he didn't know what else to do, and their behaviour was starting to affect the crew. Something had to be done. And he just had no idea what...

Pushing these fruitless musings away forcibly, he transferred his attention back to the negotiations. /Concentrate, Jim, concentrate,/ he sighed to himself.

So what was going on.

Everything the Klingon Empire and Lhetisi Nations had in common was a small piece of border (everything except infinite stubbornness, passion for a good fight, unwillingnes to yield even one milimetre, obnoxious eating habits and quite a lunatic trains of thoughts). One planet, exactly. But. For both, it was an important planet, rich in natural resources and, more importantly, with the best hot baths in the whole quadrant. Neither side was willing to give that up. They were fighting for it more or less succesfully for the last 200 years. More accurately, they spent last 200 years by capturing and recapturing the planet, accidentally each time for approximately one year, after which the other side managed a miraculous victory and claimed the baths for the next year, after which... Well, you can see the arrangement was disturbed by one not-too-big piece of rock, one that had no ulterior motives whatsoever, no intelligence, no dangerous spores, computers nor alien life forms inhabiting it and first and foremost, it appeared there completely coincidentally. It destroyed the planet. And however much the Klingons loved a good fight (exactly as much as Lethidians), however much were Lethidians stubborn and unwilling to give up (just as much as Klingons), neither of them were blind nor stupid. There was obviously nothing to win now. It would benefit both sides to start to negotiate. Not surrender, neither side was willing to surrender, but mutualy prosperous agreement was something they could both settle with and hold their heads high afterwards. Yes, their own heads, not the heads of the killed enemies impaled on a long wooden poles; even though, that too would be a nice outcome, both Emissaries remarked, independently on each other. These are peace negotiations, remember? their assistants had to remind them then for about 94th time.

But it wasn't so easy. After so many years of war, there was too much blood, too many hot feelings in it for them to be able to negotiate calmly. So Lethidians asked for a Federation help (because they knew the Klingons didn't like the Federation) and Klingons agreed, if that help was Jim Kirk (maybe because they liked this particular member of Federation, or maybe just because fun and excitement, especially excitement, could be expected where James Kirk appeared, and Klingons just loved that kind of excitement...). Unconsciously, by this, they caused one extremely rare phenomenon, something probably never to be repeated again, or at least not in the foreseeable future, and that was Commander Spock and Doctor McCoy being in agreement. They both agreed that too many encounters with Kirk had finally made the Klingons unable to process reality (this was stated by Spock, McCoy said that they must have been insane).

So it came that painfully bored Kirk just spent 2 hours listening to boring, insipid bickering about which piece of stone, which grain of sand belongs to whom.

Nobody was really listening anymore, including the speakers, so nobody knew what really happened. Things just suddenly went wrong, as they tend to do, when on board of the Federation flagship Enterprise, and in the presence of one James Tiberius Kirk. Even if it wasn't his fault this time. Probably.

Anyway, without any visible reason at all, in a few seconds moderately calm talk transformed into heated shouting match. Kirk had almost fallen off his chair, startled. Klingon said something unrepeatable about Lethidian Emissary's parentage. Lethidian answered with quite a detailed description of what the Klingon should do with various his body parts and implied where he puts that same body parts normally. Around this time Kirk perked up, suddenly paying attention. Klingon answered with another colourfull description of the mating habits of Lethidians. And this went on and on...

Neither of the Emissaries noticed the interested, deep-in-thoughts expression on Kirk's face, watching and listening intently, his mind – and imagination - obviously working overtime. This was the distraction he so desperately needed, with a few yummy new ideas that he will have to contemplate later as a bonus. That small, often neglected part of his mind where rational thoughts resided commented to the rest of the Kirk that the whole meeting was monitored, so security was definitely on the way. It was ignored.

And indeed, in a few minutes the door opened with quiet swissssh, and security team, led by Commander Spock, with Doctor McCoy in tow, entered.

McCoy was just on the Bridge, loafing around, watching the negotiations on the small screen next to Captain's chair and pointedly ignoring Spock, when the alarm sounded and a commotion in the Conference Room 1 was registered. It took them only a second to notice the faraway look in Jim's eyes, and, all their previous tension forgotten for the moment, after exchanging one worried glance with each other, both him and Spock run.

They met security team in the corridor, Spock immediately taking charge and Doctor - predictably - refusing to leave.

„It would be advisable for you, under the circumstances, to go back to the Sickbay, Doctor."

„Don't worry, I won't be in your way. And I might be useful. You may need the help, Spock. " McCoy didn't think that the situation was so grave yet. They got here fast, and together with Jim, they would manage it.

„If you won't comply, I will have to use force. There is no time. The situation is potentially dangerous, and you are not trained in fight. Please, step back, Doctor." Spock didn't want to admit to his worry. It was highly illogical, to feel this way about the doctor, but he couldn't seem to help himself. That fear was there, and it was what made Spock say something that was bound to have exactly the opposite effect he intentioned, especially considering the doctor's volatile behaviour of the last weeks. Behaviour, which, as he once again refused to admit even to himself, was hurting him deeply.

„You will not be able to help in any way."

Up to this point, the argument was still fairly quiet. But this one sentence shocked McCoy, hitting one of his deep, hidden insecurities and making him react instinctively.

„Are you implying that I am useless, you cold, unfeeling, pointy-eared son of a bitch?!"

„I am simply saying, that..."

The door to the room opened. That wouldn't stop them, of course. It would take at least a whole army of Klingons wearing pink tutus and dancing cancan to stray their attention from each other right now. That, or one Jim Kirk, natural force unstoppable, the only person in the universe able to draw more attention than Klingon army in pink skirts. More exactly, one question of his: „Can you really do that?" Such an innocent question... But in these circumstances, it effectively froze all present, including the Captain's two best friends and two enraged Emissaries.

The question was obviously aimed at the Lethidian Emissary. Together with Spock and McCoy's noisy entrance (even noisier than shouting in the room) it was enough to make both Klingons and Lethidians stop and stare. Few seconds passed in dead silence. That didn't stop Kirk, didn't even make him pause. „Can you really do that? I mean..." and Kirk repeated word after word the whole insult the Klingon Emissary used before. More dead silence, when Bones, one of the Jim's longest friends and probably the one most used to this behaviour (thanks to the fact that he was human and his doctor, the person made to heal all these STDs Kirk brought back from his shore leaves and missions; hell, he could probably write a dissertation on them), forgetting his other worries for now to concentrate on this newest one, decided to step in.

„Yeah, he can, Jim." All attention was suddenly on him.

„How do you know THAT?" The incredulous look on Kirk's face dissipated some tension and made Bones want to laugh. Instead, he rolled his eyes and reminded: „I am a doctor, Jim. I know exactly how much the Lethidian joints can take and how elastic their bodies are. Not to mention, they have very similar physiology to Relidians, and I am sure you remember that Relidian girl we met in that bar on Meta 3?

„You want to tell me that you did THAT with her?!" If Jim's eyes opened even a little more, they would fall off. McCoy squirmed a little, noticing strangely intense look on the First Officer Spock's face. The dark eyes were focusing on him in a way he had never seen before. If he didn't know better, he would say it was... lust... and jealousy in that eyes. But whatever it was, it disappeared in a blink. He must have imagined it. There was no way that Spock would... But just the thought of doing something like THAT with Spock... He shook his head, pushing his lust mixed with sadness aside. Since he had that epiphany around 2 months ago, when he discovered just who he happened to fall in love with, his emotions were continuously spiking high with hope just to immediately fall down in despair. Like some stupid seesaw. He tried at least 4 ways to approach Spock and discover his feelings, but unsuccesfully. Now, he felt mostly resigned, too scared to ask him directly and quite sure that once again, his love was unrequited.

But they had different matters to deal with right now. He focused on Jim again. „No, if you remember, that would be you, and it wasn't exactly THAT, but something similarly acrobatic. You claimed that you wanted to educate me and you bound me to the chair and made me watch the whole time." The look of distaste crossed Bones's face. Jim nodded happily, remembering. Then, with shining eyes, he turned to the Lethidian Emissary. „I am sorry to interrupt you, sir, but what are your plans after this meeting ends?" Nobody could accuse Jim of subtlety, resignedly thought Leonard McCoy. Lethidian had turned to a stone statue. The crew of the Enterprise, already used to their Captain, had frozen too, but not so much in shock, as in the expectations of the explosion the both Emissaries were bound to produce. Klingons looked absolutely furious. Spock considered it the right time to join in the conversation.

„Captain, were you aware of the fact, that Klingons lack gag reflex, causing their throat muscles to be exceptionally strong and flexible, making them able to swallow even big pieces of... food at once?" On this, both Kirk and the Lethidian Emissary transferred their whole attention completely to Spock, the rest of the room following. Doctor's piercing, curious gaze was the one Spock especially felt, but he ignored it right now, concentrating on the Captain. When the implication sunk, Kirk looked like a little boy who just got his birthday gift together with his Christmas gift, and couldn't decide which to open first. He cleared his throat, again making all heads turn to him. It was like some stupid tennis match, Bones noted sarcastically to himself, already expecting what came out of Jim's mouth next.

„Would you like to stay on board for a little longer, Emissary Koll, after the negotiations are finished? I am sure there are some things here that would be able to capture your attention." A little surprisingly, Klingon didn't look murderous anymore. Instead he was giving Kirk an assesing look. Then he gave similar one to the Lethidian Emissary, who was staring at him since short after Spock's exclamation. He seemed to decide on something.

„I believe the negotiations are complete, Captain Kirk, if my collegue agrees?" Lethidian just nodded, also looking determined, adding: „All important points were already decided and agreed on by both sides. The necessary records were taken. There is no need to continue this meeting. It was a pleasure to meet you all, but I feel a little tired now, Captain. If you could show us our resting places..." Kirk smiled brightly, victoriously: „Of course. Please, this way, Emissaries." They both followed him from the room. Somehow, no one had any doubts about the kind of rest that was going to follow...

Spock sent security men back and made his way in the direction of the bridge, McCoy following just one step behind him. When they stepped into the turbolift, he sagged against the wall. Spock's posture also appeared a little more relaxed.

„That was close."

„There was nothing to worry about. It is my belief that Captain was fully aware of what he was doing. While his action was illogical, it was undoubtedly very effective."

„Yeah, just try to make yourself believe that. When it comes to dealing with dangerous situations by inviting the danger into his bed, there is nobody better for the job than Jim Kirk, that much is undoubtedly true. But still, it was terribly risky. Klingons are more than a bit touchy and he didn't have enough information about Lethidians to know what their reaction would be. Even you had to be worried, Spock. What Jim did was both completely brainless and terribly dangerous. And it worked. I think I need a drink."

„You are still on duty, Doctor."

McCoy looked at him, little irritated. They just barely managed to avoid another possible war and the Vulcan was still acting so stuck up. And he was beautiful. Life was not fair, McCoy decided, but for some reason that thought only heightened his irritation.

„Shut up. Only for a few more minutes, anyway. Then my private time starts, and you have no right to say anything about that to me, you green-blooded computer!" Spock's lips thinned invisibly. His posture stiffened again, as if the Doctor's words reminded him of something unpleasant. Or hurt him.

But Leonard was too tired to notice anything. „Anyway, where did you learn that little bit about Klingon physiology, Spock?" he couldn't suppress his curiosity.

„I believe I can repeat your sentiment, Doctor. There is no need for you to concern yourself with anything relating to my person." The air in the turbolift seemed freezing.

„Sulking now, are we?" All McCoy's defenses immediately jumped up, protecting him from the sting Spock's words caused. Even if it was his overreaction a short while ago that caused it.

There was a silence, and then the door of the turbolift opened on Deck 5, where Sickbay was. McCoy stepped out and only then he said silently, not really wanting Spock to hear him, believing that the swish of the closing door hid his words. „But I do care, Spock. I do." He didn't look back, so he didn't see the obvious surprise on the Vulcan's normally so stoic face. But it was there. And if the First Officer looked a little more excited, a little more happy that day, who would notice?

One serious question to all of you, who read this. Did you find it funny? Or stupid? Too cracky? Or boring? Even one word from you is enough, just please, let me know. I am trying to write humour, but I am not sure how successful or unsuccessful I am without your reviews... Thank you