I haven't gone in the room since the accident. But that changed today.
The floor boards creaks as I push open on the door. The room is silent. Still. The air is stale and a thick blanket of dust covers any exposed surface. I see the name "Addison" on the wall, above the crib. I expect to get a flood of emotions, but I remain numb as I creep forwards.
In the crib is my antique teddy bear. I had been saving it for when I got a daughter. Guess the bear will never be for any use. Suddenly, I snag the bear and fling it over to the pink wall; which Edward has spent hours painting.
The limp bear falls onto the floor and something inside of me snaps. I wipe a tear away with the back of my hand.
Edward and I had always talked about having a kid. It was one of the reasons we married. Seems silly that we would base our marriage on that, but it was something big that we both agreed on.
There was Allie, Noah, James, and now Addison. All gone before they even had a chance. Edward said it was alright. That it wasn't my fault that I was infertile. But the look of hurt in his eyes made me think he believed differently. While he didn't blame me, the fact that I couldn't give him the one thing he wanted made me feel horrible. Some nights, when he thought I was sleeping he would place his hand on my stomach. When we were able to spend time with my brother Emmett's children, I saw the longing in his eyes. I knew the look, because I shared the same one. The pang in my chest and longing every time my nieces in nephews came over didn't escape Edward. While I would keep stable and act find around my brother's family, Edward was the only one who knew how envious I was.
And now our marriage is on the rocks. Nothing is fun. Especially sex. When we were first married, it was spontaneous, exciting and was amazing every time. Now we're almost on a schedule, and it became more of a chore than pleasure. Don't get me wrong, it was still enjoyable, but the passion was nearly gone.
It's because of me. I feel like I can't please him. No matter how hard I try. Nothing will ever be enough. Edward has given me nearly everything I've ever asked for. And the one thing he wanted the most, I couldn't provide. I not only felt like a terrible wife, but I also felt like half of a woman. Edward's never told me these things, but I've always wondered if he felt the same. If he regrets marrying me because I'm broken.
And now, sobbing in this empty nursery….it's the icing on the cake.
In the spur of the moment, I begin to flip over the toy chest. The brand new toys spill out, and I turn to the mobile, dangling from the ceiling. I am about to tear it down, when Edward rushes in.
"Stop!" He yells. But I don't. I tear the mobile down, pulling the butterflies and ladybugs off. He reaches out, and pulls me back with his strong arms.
I wriggle under his grasp, and he yells again. "Bella, baby, you have to stop. Sweetheart, you have to stop!" I stop fighting as an eerie chill settles between us. I sink to the floor, sobbing in tears. Never has he yelled at me this way.
"I didn't mean to …Bella….." He whispers as he sits down next to me, and pulls me into a hug. I finger with my wedding ring.
"Bella, honestly. Listen. Babe. " Edward is on the verge of a lecture that I don't want to hear; but I am too tired to put up a struggle.
"Babe, I love you. Don't let anything make you think differently. Because at the end of the day, you are what matters most. So what? We can't have a biological kid. But that doesn't mean we can't adopt…." Edward says with me in his arms.
I stare at him. "Really? You aren't mad at me?" I sniff. "No. I want you to be the mother of my child. It doesn't matter if its biological or not. I just want to start a family with you. You're going to be a terrific mother one day baby. I know it. " Edward whispers
I wipe away my tear. "Okay." I squeak shakily. Edward smiles as he pulls out something from his back pocket. It's two plane tickets to South Africa. "How about let's start now?"
A/N: This was something a bit different that I decided to write. I've never been through losing a child or having a miscarriage, but I tried to display the raw emotion and feelings the best I could. Review please.