When the Sun Loves the Lake
It hurts. To this very day, it still hurts. As I lay here thinking of the wonders we shared. The days spent by the lake as strangers. The nights spent catching fireflies as friends. The love I felt for her as my best friend. I wondered if she even saw me. I wondered if she knew how much I loved her. Of course we were the best of friends they do say opposites attract.
I will not lie. I am a cold person, an isolated man. I keep to myself. I keep all of my emotions bottled up inside of me until I feel as if I will burst, and then I hold it in some more. Few people know much more about me than my name, Sesshoumaru. Kagome however, was warm. She put the sun to shame and dazzled the brightest of stars. She helped others even when there was nothing to gain for herself. Her eyes were dark blue, nearly as dark as the darkest depths of the ocean. My own were golden and bright as the sun. It has come to be that my eyes have faded, worn out by my years.
By the time I realized I loved this girl it was too late. My best friend with hair of obsidian, and eyes of the ocean already belonged to another man... no, he was but a boy. Of course their relationship was but a petty high school relationship and therefore doomed to failure. At the time it did nothing to soothe my inner beast demanding that I steal her away from him and I longed for their separation.
I would watch them, as they would whisper sweet-nothings into one another's ears. I would watch them as they went on their little dates. I would watch their incessant flirting and the hideous smirk from him as he stared at me so smugly when she fell asleep upon his shoulder on the bus returning from a class trip. I would watch them, and never would she know it, for just in the knick of time, I would look away as if I didn't care at all. After all, I was too good for her, was I not? I was a straight 'A' student, proficient in three languages, a skilled swordsman, and I had a father with enough money to feed a small country for years, and I was to inherit that fortune.
I was too good for her.
That was my mantra. I said it to myself over, and over, and over again. So many times it was repeated in my head that those words became so familiar that they no longer seemed like words anymore. They became emotion. Raw emotion. I became cold to her. I pushed her away. So rather then trying to make her look my way, I pushed her toward him… that boy.
Inuyasha would do anything to make me miserable. I feared the worst when it came to him and Kagome. Whenever the two would get into a fight, which was quite often, I would be the one to whom she would cry to. And though I acted distantly toward her. It hurt me deep inside. Sometimes I wanted to kill him. The one who resembled myself so much that I couldn't help but to wonder why she had chosen him over me. We shared the same long face, the same lean figure, the same piercing eyes, and now the same love interest. There were subtle differences between us. My eyes, as I have already stated are golden, his, as I recall were a honey brown, so light that many thought they were orange in color. My hair was lighter, and my complexion fairer, his hair was but a shade darker and his skin was slightly tanned from his athletics. As if kicking some ball around a field would help him in real life. I studied kendo and martial arts; I could have beaten the vermin any day, at any time, in my worst condition. I suppose we are supposed to look alike. We were brothers. But I digress; I believe I was talking about Kagome. She would always cry to me when she and Inuyasha would fight. Sometimes I wanted to shake some sense into this girl. He never loved her. He never looked at her the way I did. He never held her with the tenderness that I did. He never loved her like I loved her. He may have cared for her, but she was never first in his heart. The signs of infidelity were everywhere but she refused to see them. The cold hard truth seemed to always elude her warm heart.
"He cheated…" she said disbelievingly. She cried on me the night they broke up. She believed herself to be in love with the boy and cried for the loss of her "love." She had found them in her own room, embracing as only lovers would embrace. Inuyasha had done the worst. He had cheated on Kagome with her own sister. I felt the need to say something… something to let her know that I sympathized, something that showed her how much I cared for her.
"He is not worth your tears." And that was the extent of what I had said to her all night. Surprisingly, she had stopped crying after that point. As her breathing evened out and she fell asleep I hugged her close to me and hoped to the gods that she would wake up and just love me. Could she not see that when other men chased her I was livid? Could she not tell that I only talked to her about anything? Could she not see the love in my gaze, as I would stare at her so openly and so obviously?
Apparently not. High school came to an end and we were headed in separate directions. Kagome had not had another boyfriend since Inuyasha, and we had gotten closer. After the breakup between them, I had created illusions for myself that she loved me too. After graduation I hoped that our separation would alert her as to how much she loved me, and how much she needed me.
That never happened. She moved far away from me, I didn't even know why. One day during one of the breaks, I forget which one, they all seem the same to me now… we went back to the lake. She took my hands in her own and looked into my eyes. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but she closed it and looked back to the lake. My heart pounded so loudly and so quickly that I was sure she could hear it as well as I could.
So many good memories were made there. The first day when she "rescued" me from drowning, the second day when I rescued her from the sand crab, the year after when she fell into the lake trying to catch fireflies, fifteen years later, telling me that she was leaving. I didn't understand.
"I'm leaving..." she said with a tear in her eye. My own eyes widened.
"Where to?" my stoic façade was fading fast.
"Far." She said. And with that word, I knew she didn't want me in her life anymore. Had it been the old Kagome, she would have told me the exact place, how she would get there, her phone number, her address… Who was I kidding? Had it been the old Kagome, she would not have agreed to leave at all. Alas, this was not the Kagome that I once knew. So, without a word, I turned and left.
"Sesshoumaru!" she cried out to me. I paused only for a moment, but I refused to look back. I was afraid to see her tears, I was afraid that I'd fall back into the trap that her eyes of ocean held me in. That was all it was. It was all a trap, a trick… a deception. I walked on. I would give anything, and I mean anything to turn back the hands of time just so I could turn around and hold her for all that I was worth.
She tried to keep in touch with me. I refused her letters. I didn't read any of them though I saved them and put them in a safe place. I was afraid to hear about how well she was doing, to hear how she had a new job or that she was perfectly fine… without me.
Two years had passed since she left me, and I still received letters almost weekly, sometimes even more than that. I had never read a single one. I had thought to read them several times, however I could not bring myself to do it. I convinced myself that I was too good to deal with her begging for my forgiveness, for that was surely what was in the letters. That mantra began to recite itself within the recesses of my mind.
I was too good for her.
Somehow, I knew that it was never true. I settled for tucking every memory of Kagome away, only to be accessed at my convenience. Even though it had been two years, I could not forget her. Especially when her letters began to increase in their frequency, and her older sister, Kikyo came to my doorstep telling me that I needed to visit Kagome… she had come back.
"Sesshoumaru, you need to come with me to see 'Gome. She really wants to see you, she misses you." She said earnestly, using the old nickname I had given to her.
Like the idiot I was I thought that Kikyo was trying to put back together what little relationship Kagome and I had. I was so wrong.
"If she wishes to see me so badly, then why does she not come see me herself, rather then send her sister to do it for her?" I replied coldly. I was so cruel. Kikyo looked at me in surprise and disgust, like I was the biggest jerk on the face of the planet. I will admit that I probably was.
"Because she can't" she replied. Somehow, she convinced me to go with her. As we were nearing our destination I began to grow anxious. Had she changed at all? Was she still the warm and thoughtful Kagome that I knew and loved? Of course she was. That was a moronic question to even have thought of.
We pulled into a hospital parking lot. My face fell. Suddenly I regretted not reading those letters. Suddenly I regretted not speaking to her for two years. I shook my head. 'Perhaps she is employed here as a nurse…' my mind tried to rationalize. I realized that it was not logical. Kagome hated blood, she often got sick just looking at it.
As we walked into the main lobby, the receptionist nodded cheerily to Kikyo. "Who's our visitor?" she asked kindly.
"The last one." Kikyo replied. I didn't understand it at the time. But apparently the receptionist knew what she was talking about. She pointed at a clipboard and glared at me.
"Sign in." she told me tartly. I did what she said and looked around. I could practically smell the sickness radiating through the place. The walls were all pristine white and it was very stuffy. It is quite ironic. The hospital was white, the color of purity, however it was filled with people tainted with sickness and disease.
We stepped into the elevators and my concern for my friend and love was overwhelming. I was panicking on the inside, but held my mask in place. The elevator could not go fast enough to the sixth floor. Finally, the elevator door opened and we stepped out. We walked the long hallways. These rooms were not meant for temporary stays. They were personalized with toys and books and anything that a person would put in their room. A ball rolled across the floor and I could hear the pattering of bare feet on the floor and laughter a short ways away.
"Hey you two slow down! You don't want to run into anybody now would you?" Kikyo said, smiling slightly as the two children came into view. They were both bald. Oh God, not Kagome, please not Kagome! I remember thinking as the two children greeted Kikyo.
"Miss. Kikyo, can we play with 'Gome today?" one of the children asked.
"I'm afraid not, she's still too sick to play today." The children looked crushed. They absolutely adored Kagome, and they knew something was wrong. The doctors had closed her door. People usually didn't hang around for too long after that.
"Maybe you could visit her later." Kikyo suggested. The two children beamed as they resumed their playing.
She couldn't have cancer. She doesn't deserve this…we continued walking until we came to one of the only closed doors I had seen on the floor.
I opened it slowly afraid of what I would see. There on the bed was Kagome. Her dark blue eyes were duller, her skin was impossibly pale, and her beautiful raven tresses were gone. Her family was sitting around her. As I opened the door, they all stood and glared at me. I can now understand why.
"Give us a minute please." She whispered. Her voice was so weak, so fragile. Where was the spitfire that I had once known? Her family stepped out grudgingly, shutting the door behind them.
"I'm so sorry." I said, my tears threatening to fall.
"Me too." She replied weakly. I looked at her questioningly. "I wanted to…" she took a deep breath. "to get better for you…" another deep breath. "But I wasn't strong enough." She looked down in shame. I shook my head at a loss for words. "I'm really sick." She said, her already fragile voice breaking even further. "I know…you haven't read… any of my letters…" I shook my head again, unable to look her in the eye, but instead staring at the ground. "That's okay… just read them later." She was always so forgiving. Why did she have to be that way? Why did she have to be so perfect? "Sesshoumaru… look at me." I brought me head up slowly afraid to see the forgiveness in her eyes. I had done nothing to merit such. "I'm so sorry" didn't seem to quite cut it in this situation. Her eyes were shining with tears. "I love you." she said. Two solemn tears trickled down her face. I went to her and held her close.
"I love you too." I whispered allowing the salty drops to fall from my own eyes. They dripped down my face and onto her head where her hair was supposed to be. Fate was so cruel. I had waited forever to hear her say those words. The circumstances were much too grim. If I could have chosen to have my Kagome healthy and well, and to never hear those words, rather then to hear them when she thought she was dying and had so little time to finalize things… I would have and still would choose the former.
During the next hour I poured my feelings out to her, we shared memories, we laughed, we cried, we shared a kiss. It was the first and only kiss she and I would ever have together. The next morning when I got the call, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. For days I could hear nothing but her last words. Those words she had spoken to me before falling asleep for the very last time. "Sesshoumaru…when I die…I'll wait for you…to come to me… but I want you to know…I don't expect you… for a very long time…I'll wait…"
Kagome Higurashi died at 7:06 that morning, only twelve short hours after I left.
Dear Sesshoumaru,
I know you are angry with me for leaving you without a reason. I know that you have not replied to any of my previous letters of apologies. I know that we haven't been on the best of terms for a while now. It's been three months since I've gone.
I won't continue to lie to you any longer. I have cancer. It has spread a lot. The doctors say that my chances of survival will be much greater with them here. I'm going to start chemotherapy in a week. I hear its quite painful, I'm so scared Sesshoumaru. I just want you to read my letters. I know that you're not reading them, and yet, I am writing to you. I find it comforting. It's like I'm talking to you just like I used to. I'm getting the same response that I used to get as well. Except… back then, I knew you were listening. I hate being unheard by you, Sesshoumaru.
I'm afraid to call you these days. I'm afraid that you won't understand. I suppose it is more comforting not knowing your reaction to what I have to say.
I wish that I could tell you in person the things I am going to tell you now. The doctors have told me that my chances of survival even with them are slim. My cancer is an unidentified cancer. All they can do is give me chemo and hope it works. Oh, Sesshoumaru… before I knew that I had cancer, the one thing on my mind was always you, and now that I know about it… the one thing on my mind is us. How there never was an "us." I love you so much. I've loved you for quite some time. I would always be looking your way. But you never seemed to look back. But know that my love for you is, was and always will be the truest, and the purest love that I have to offer. You deserve to know that. I only wish that I could have told you sooner, or in person, anything is better than telling you in a letter. Sesshoumaru, I know that I have always had your love, whether it be as a sister or as a friend, or maybe even as more.
But if we do have love it would be as impossible as when the sun loves the lake. Do you remember that story? The one your father told us when we saw our first sunset together? It goes a little something like this: The sun and the lake one day found themselves in quite a dilemma. They found themselves in love. The sun and lake knew they could never touch. The sun could only be there and warm the lake and make it shine and sparkle. The lake could make waves and try its hardest to touch the sun but try as it might, it could not. And when the sun begins to set, it seems as if it is finally closer to it's love. So it goes lower, and lower into the horizon, only to find that no matter how low it goes it never quite gets there. And darkness will fall upon the lake, and the lake will grow cold, and it will despair because just when the lake thought that it could finally touch the sun, it was snatched away. For one glorious moment it seemed that they would be together at long last, so it rose to meet the sun, but all too soon, the sun was gone, replaced by the quiet moon. And so was the legend of the sun and the lake. An impossible love. Day in and day out they would reach for each other hoping that it will be different from every other day, only to fail each time. This is a story of tragic love, of failed love, but most importantly, it is a tale of true love. True as any love we share may be, if we were to love one another, it wouldn't matter because I would have to leave you in darkness. Like the sun would leave the lake.
For years after her death, I grieved and lamented in the darkness of my room. It had been five years before I began to read her letters. They were never read in any particular order as I had thrown the entire box to the floor out of rage after the call. I immediately regretted what I had done and replaced the letters in the box tenderly and with utmost caution as if they were made of glass. They were all I had left of her. Each day, I would go to work and come home to read a letter. For a time, I lived to read her letters but only reading one a day. She sent me 148 letters in the span of two years. On my 148th day of reading her letters, I finally came to this one.
As I read her letter in my deathbed, I think of all of the things we could have done in those two years that we were apart. I have many regrets, though none can even compare to this one. I am old and dying. I die with the knowledge that I have loved more deeply and more truly in my first twenty-five years than most men and women manage to find within their hearts for their entire lives. I die with the knowledge that the love we shared was as real as it was fleeting. I die with the knowledge that death can be faced with a smile; death can be faced with courage. I used to fear death, but that was before Kagome's. Death does not seem so horrible now. I have lived a full life; Kagome's life was cut short by cancer. They never even knew what it was. The cancerous cells that had spread through her body had mutated to a point where the doctors did not know what to do with them. I was her last visitor. The last one.
Though my sun had set long ago, leaving me in darkness for a time, I can close my eyes and I see the most beautiful sunrise that I have ever had the fortune to lay my eyes upon.
AN: This would make such a great chick flick! It's got enough corn and cheeze to end world hunger! I finally decided to edit it. Still the same story, a little less drama, but still dramatic. Leave me some reviews I'm going for 25 and I may do a sequel hint hint