"Dude, whats your deal? You always act like your fine when you're really not…"
His face heated up with rage, he didn't have time for this and he wanted to be left alone. Instead of talking about the incident that occurred, it felt easier to deflect from the problem so a wall didn't have to come down and to detach, it felt better than actually feeling the pain.
"Well maybe I don't tell you my issues because I don't have any!"
Mordecai gave him a look because he knew exactly what was going on, he could read him like a book and Benson hated it. He gave a little huff and turned his head away. Mordecai hated when he got like this and he felt helpless since the man never told him how he felt. He felt pushed away and he hated having to deal with it. I mean, Rigby was pretty oblivious when it came to Benson's emotion, but Mordecai wasn't and sometimes, he resented it. It may not show on the outside, but he felt like whenever he called him out, he could tell he was going through internal turmoil and he hated how he couldn't do anything to stop it. He felt it was destructive for his mental health, but he never felt like bringing it up until now. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he felt that every time he brought up a concern, he'd brush it off and he'd deny it even when it was the truth.
"Dude, everyone has problems even if you keep it inside you or you feel like dealing with it…"
Benson internally cringed and he sighed in heavy contempt, he hated that Mordecai could see through it. His face started to heat up even more and he kept looking away from his fellow coworker. He couldn't understand how one of his underlings could see through him and could be so persistent. He thought that he'd stop trying as the years went by, but Mordecai was different and he wasn't used to that. He wasn't sure of what to do with himself because he felt the urge to tell him everything he felt, but at the same time, he didn't want to be seen differently. He felt it was bad to show himself in a new light, especially to an underling and it was out of his comfort zone to reveal who he really was in the inside. He felt conflicted and Mordecai tell by his body language. Mordecai scooted over to him despite the fact that he was on edge and he wasn't sure if Benson would notice or not. Even when he's emotionally unstable, he can notice the tiniest details and it was irritating at times, but the guys didn't want him any other way. Even if the guy is small, he's pretty intimidating and non approachable when you first meet him. When Benson didn't flinch, he decided to take it further, he pulled him close and he hoped he wouldn't get screamed at.
"I'm unsure of how you're feeling, but I just want you to know that if you want to talk about it, I'll be here for you."
Benson didn't respond and Mordecai looked away from. He couldn't read him at that moment, his face was completely blank and it scared the bluejay to death. He slowly let go and he started to get up to walk up into the house. As he took another step, he felt someone tugging on his hand and he looked down. He wasn't looking at him, but he blushed profusely and he signaled him to sit down. When the blue jay sat back down on the stair, they remained silent for a short while. When words could finally form in the bluejays mind, he took a deep breath and he was ready to listen.
"I-I'm sorry…"
"For what?"
"For constantly putting up walls, it's just- I know you guys are my coworkers and we've known each other for as long as we have, but I've been burned too many times, Mordecai… I honestly wonder if it's worth the risk…"
"What risk?"
"The risk of all of you burning me like everyone else I've grown close to in the past…"
Mordecai didn't understand how he could make that assumption and he felt the need to get through to him.
"Benson-"
He knew he was about to get a long lecture and he didn't want to hear it, he felt as if he had said enough to him.
"No, Mordecai!"
"Dude-"
"I don't want to hear it!"
"Why do you keep doing this to yourself, Benson?"
"I do it to protect myself and like I said, it's too big of a risk to take. It's not worth revealing who I am, even for someone like yourself…."
He tried to walk off so he could be left alone with his thoughts, but Mordecai grabbed his wrists and he wrapped his arms around him. Benson felt himself heat up again and his heart started beating out of his chest. His thoughts became intrusive, irrational, and scattered all at once, he felt he was on the verge of breaking down. He started shaking uncontrollably and he felt himself tense up. He tried to see if he could break free from the bluejays grip, but it was nearly impossible and he felt defeated. He felt his insides turn into jelly and in that moment, he gave up. He felt himself go limp and he buried into his chest. Mordecai rubbed his back and kept reassuring him that it was ok for him to cry.
"I-I'm sorry, I-I'm sorry that I'm a terrible friend to you!"
"Shhhh…"
"No, Mordecai…. It's just- I don't understand my emotions the majority of the time and it's hard to not hate myself for it….."
Mordecai lifted Benson's head and he gave him a sympathetic smile, he felt his tone soften.
"Benson, you shouldn't hate yourself for how you feel and even if you don't know how to express emotion in a way that satisfies you, it'll come to you when you feel ready…"
"Hey? You wanna know something? Sometimes it's easier for me to deny emotion rather than actually dealing with it…"
"You're doing it right now though…"
"Not to its source, it still feels scary to reveal that side of me…"
"I know it does, but like I said, you're doing it right now and I think you're doing a good job, dude…"
"Thanks, Mordecai…"
"No problem…"
Benson felt tears prickle his eyes again and buried his head into his chest. He felt really scared of doing this, but he felt that it was necessary to open up to someone even if it was to someone he didn't place on a pedestal. He stopped crying and he looked back up, he was ready to face his emotions head on even if it scared him.
"You know how I constantly distanced myself from you and Rigby?"
"Y-Yeah?"
"I did it to protect myself from getting hurt again and when you told me that I could just ask to hangout with you guys, it confused me. I wondered why you guys would want to hangout with a deadbeat like me…. I've done so much to the both of you and I-I just don't under why you never gave up on me…."
"I didn't give up on you because I could tell you went through a lot in the past…"
Benson cocked an eyebrow at the bluejay.
"How could you tell?"
"The way you treated us and the fact that you protect us from dying in certain situations like the time Jack blew up your car… I mean, I know you don't express that you care about us by your words, but you do with your actions…"
Benson gave him a soft look and Mordecai returned the gesture.
"Well, you know how I acted badly towards you? I felt that you were above me and to feel better, I tried to act like I was above the two of you. Recently, I've realized it hasn't worked…"
Mordecai was shocked by his confession and he tried to wrap his head around it.
"Benson?"
"Y-Yeah?"
"You shouldn't be hard on yourself because of decisions you regret making and if it helps, I think your pretty cool guy."
Benson blushed and Mordecai decided to help him up from the stairs. He pulled him into a hug and Benson felt himself melt once more.
"Remember, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here…"
"Thanks Mordecai…"
"You're welcome, Benson…"