Title: "Her"
Author: Pirate Turner
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Varied basic spoilers -- ie. Connor, Darla, Groo, Buffy, Cordy's visions
Summary: Cordy's point of view of how she thinks Angel feels. Companion piece to the author's "See Me".
Disclaimer: Cordelia Chase, Angel, Buffy Summers, and all other characters and happenings referred to are © & TM their respective owners and are used without permission. Everything else is © & TM Pirate Turner. The author makes no profit off of this poem.

Don't think I don't see you standing there,
Half in shadow, half in moonlight,
Looking at me, wishing I was her.
I wish you wouldn't look at me that way
With those puppy-dog eyes that
I ache to be able to lose myself in
And that make it so hard to tell you no.
I wish I didn't have to, but I do,
And that's why I grasp at straws,
Screaming about my personal bubble
Or claiming to love another when
I never have and never could.

But it's not me you want, not really,
So I don't have a true choice.
I'd do anything for you and anything for your love,
But I can't and I won't do that.
I can't be her, even though I
Know that's what you want, what you've always wanted.
You still love her. You still miss her.
Even after all this time, you still ache for her.

Sometimes I wish I was her
Just so that I would have the chance
To feel your love, to taste your sweet kisses,
And know that it was me you really wanted, truly loved.
But I can't be her, Angel, and I don't really want to be.
I never want to hurt you as badly as she has.

Why isn't that what you remember about her?
Why do you choose to forget everything she did to you?
She abandoned you. She chose idiots over you.
She even killed you,
But still you want her,
You love her, you grieve for her.

I've stood by you through it all.
I've borne incredible pain and came so close to death
Because of my visions, that I kept just because I knew
That without them, you'd have no use for me.
I even accepted your past and your son
And would have helped you raise him just
As if he had been ours if we'd ever had the chance.
Would she have done that?
Would she have stood by you through it all,
The good and the bad, the Heaven on Earth and the Hell?
Would she have held you while you cried for another woman
But still loved you the entire while?

I'd do anything to be with you, Angel,
To make you love me,
Anything but that.
I can't be her. I can't be the woman you love.
But why do you still love her after all she's done?
Why can't you open your eyes and look at me,
Look at the real me without seeing only what you want to see,
And see that there's a real, good woman here,
A woman who'd rather slit her own throat than ever hurt you,
A woman whose every breath is spent
Longing, yearning, crying out, dying inside for you,
For your touch, for your love?

You'll never see me for who and what I truly am, Angel.
You'll never love me. It'll always be her,
But I'll always be here,
For as long as you'll let me or until my death,
Whichever comes first.
I'll always be here,
Longing, yearning, crying out, dying inside for you,
For your touch, for your love.
I'll always be here, Angel,
And I'll always love you.

The End