Alright, this story needs some explaining before you start reading... well actually it doesn't bt whatever lol. It has religiuos aspects, it has - obviously - big slash aspects and it contains an amount of irony. If you can't deal with it, so - for the love of Jesus Christ - don't read.
Disclaimer: I'm like Kenny... just that I don't have a PSP *whine*. PS: Yes, I'm like Kenny, which doesn't mean I own Kenny. No, no, no!
The Slashy Temptation
Stan opened his eyes slowly. He was still a bit sleepy but as he noticed who was lying next to him that condition vanished rather quickly.
"Kyle," he muttered his love's name, silently wrapping an arm around the still sleeping figure. But as he kissed his boyfriend's forehead gently, he noticed something rather odd. Above them he could see the clear blue sky – not some room's ceiling.
He sat up abruptly, gasping as he looked around frantically. "Dude! What the fuck?" he shouted out loudly. In fact, this was – I think – considered the usual reaction on something as fucked up as their surroundings.
The bed was standing on a green meadow with a few deer strolling around. In the distance he could clearly see a pond and some trees. As he looked down, he finally noticed the heart-shaped bed they were lying in. Covers and bedsheets colored deep red, "This is pretty fucked up right here."
Stan tried to remember what happened the day before, that they could get into this rather unusual situation.
'Wait. We were at my house with Kenny. Then Kenny went home... then Kyle went home... then I want to bed,' he thought and didn't get why he and Kyle were in the same bed in the first place. "Is this a dream?"
He stood up, instantly feeling the grass tickling under his feet and pinching himself shortly brought the verification he wanted... or not wanted.
'This awfully looks like a fucked up Garden of Eden...' he drew a conclusion to himself. And then it hit him, he quickly looked down on himself and... didn't see what he almost thought he would see. Though the clothes he actually wore were a lot more shocking than "nothing". He wore pajamas. Colored in a pretty gay looking shade of pink. He simply rose his brows and looked back at the sleeping Kyle, grinning.
"Kyle?" he asked loudly, receiving a "hmmm". He repeated his question, this time receiving a sleepy "what?"
"You don't know where we are either, do you?" Stan asked.
Kyle looked at him and immediately noticed the pink pajamas, "What are you wearing, dude?" Kyle asked chuckling slightly.
"I'd say you're wearing something similar," Stan guessed, "but I asked you if you knew where we are."
"At home?" Kyle questioned back, closing his eyes again, not really awake and not really caring.
"Yeah, obviously," Stan answered. Naturally with his voice full of sarcasm.
At this, Kyle decided to give looking around a try. He sat up and let his gaze wander around the green meadow, "Dude."
Stan nodded understandingly, "Exactly. And besides, you're pajama looks even gayer than mine."
Kyle looked down at his clothes. They were colored in a slightly lighter shade of pink than Stan's.
"Nah-ah, they're not- Wait, what the fuck are we doing here?" Kyle asked, after he noticed that he didn't want to discuss who's pajamas are gayer.
"Dude, I have no idea, but it's not a dream..." he said truthfully after his thorough tests, "...and yes you're pajamas are gayer than mine."
Kyle glared at him, "Whatever... How do we get out of this place?"
"If I knew, we wouldn't be here anymore. Maybe we should look around a bit, there might be an exit somewhere," Stan suggested.
Kyle grumbled and got up, "I guess, you're right." He flinched slightly when he felt the grass under his feet.
"Let's go to this pond over there first, alright?" Stan said, pointing at the pond in the distance. Kyle gave an agreeing nod and followed suit when Stan began walking into said direction.
A long silence stretched out between them and was only interrupted by Stan's hand grabbing Kyle's. They looked at each other and smiled.
After another few minutes Kyle asked the question, that always has to be asked in situations like this, "What if we never get out of here?"
Stan turned his head to look at his boyfriend, "Uh... then we're forever stuck together in paradise?" Kyle interpreted this as a sarcastic remark but it wasn't one. Stan was just saying the truth. "So you like this?"
"No, I know better activities than walking across a green, fucked up meadow, even though you hold my hand," he said, smiling at Kyle while saying the last part.
Kyle sighed. It didn't take them much more time to reach their destination. In front of them lay a quiet pond, about the size of Stark's Pond. The only obvious difference between those two was the shape. This pond was – like their bed – heart-shaped.
"What the hell is this place?" Kyle asked glaring at the ridiculous pond.
"Look over there," Stan said, ignoring the rhetorical question and pointing at a large locker at the side of the lake – naturally heart-shaped – and painted bright red.
"Oh, well... let's just check it out," Kyle said, sounding defeated. He wasn't surprised by anything anymore, and the lake really beat the locker on the "Fucked up-Scale".
On their way to the locker they passed by two deer drinking at the pond. They stood a little too close together to not see that they were sort of in love. No, they weren't both male, but would it really surprise anyone anymore here? And even though that's a rhetorical question, I'm gonna answer it for you: No. And just to inform you: They were both female.
They approached the locker and opened it. Strangely enough, on the right side hang Stan's and Kyle's normal clothes: Stan's blue, red poof ball hat, brown coat, white Terrance and Phillip t-shirt, blue jeans and black shoes and Kyle's green ushanka, orange coat, plain white t-shirt, dark green pants and black shoes. Nothing special, just the gloves were missing but the temperature was nice anyway.
On the left side, hang exactly the same close, but with one major difference: they were colored in various shades of pink. "Huh... that's... weird," Stan said breaking the silence.
"Well whatever, at least we can dress in our normal clothes again," Kyle said, pulling out his normal colored belongings.
"Yeah..." Stan said staring absent-mindedly at his clothes's pink counterparts.
Kyle already got rid of his pajamas, "What's wrong?" he asked, but before Stan could answer, Kyle noticed what he had been wearing under his pink pajama pants all the time: pink briefs. "Aw, dude!"
"Hm, you don't look bad in them, you know," Stan smiled, licking his lip.
"Dude," Kyle's sharp retort came.
Stan laughed and looked back at the clothes. "Maybe, I should try this on..." Stan said, eying them.
"Dude!" Kyle repeated, this time louder.
"What? They don't look that bad," Stan defended himself and his newfound clothes.
Kyle frowned and sighed, "If you have to..." He pulled on his pants.
Stan's curious expression didn't vanish, as he took off his own pajama, relieving his – naturally pink – boxers.
About two minutes later they both finished getting dressed. "So... how do I look?" Stan asked looking down on himself.
"Gay," Kyle said shortly. Very true.
"Come on, Kyle, how about this pink hat? I'm sure it would look good on you," Stan suggested, taking the pink ushanka out of the locker and offering it to Kyle.
"No fucking way, dude," Kyle rejected, "I'd rather run around naked than even touch this abomination of a hat."
"Why don't you run around naked then?" Stan asked innocently, grinning slightly.
"Fuck you," Kyle answered shortly. "Besides I don't like the color pink... you seem pretty obsessed with it, though..."
"You know blue is my favorite color, dude. I'm just experimenting a bit, you know," Stan explained, putting the pink ushanka back in the locker and closing it.
"Yeah, sure," Kyle said giving Stan an amused look.
"Oh, look Kyle, there's a little bunny," Stan said, pointing at something behind Kyle's back. As Kyle turned around he could also see the little rabbit. Naturally it was very pink, but at least a very welcome change of the topic. As it noticed the boys' stares it stopped scampering and looked in their direction innocently.
"Dude, why is it pink?" Kyle asked, eying the rabbit curiously.
"Everything here is-"
"What are you lookin' at? 'Ooh, a pink bunny, I've never seen one before, ooh'. I'm pink, so what you bitches? That faggot is pink, too! God, get a life!" the rabbit suddenly interrupted Stan in a very pissed off tone.
"What the hell?" they both said in unison. A pink bunny yelling at them – awesome.
The "What the hell?" didn't make the rabbit stop though. "I get enough shit at home. My fucking wife – god I hate her – yelling at me all the time, you got no idea what I got myself into when I married the bitch! My fucking children trying to fucking piss me off every fucking second I'm home, you know how it is? I can't even watch a fucking football game, because them little plagues are always there. The only time I'm free off the motherfuckers is at work, but there I have to take fucking crap from my boss! The only time I get my rest is on my way home from work, and know you two faggots decided to fuck that up, too, huh?" the pissed rabbit yelled.
Stan and Kyle looked rather stunned, "So-Sorry?"
The rabbit shot them an annoyed glance. "Just fuck off!" he yelled quickly, finishing the onesided conversation, before scampering off again.
The boys gazed after the rabbit speechlessly, "Wow, dude."
"That was... without any doubt the weirdest thing, I've ever seen," Kyle said, turning his head to look at Stan. "No, I take it back... you're outfit is still weirder," he corrected.
"No, it isn't!" Stan said protectively. "If you don't like it you're invited to get me out of it, when we're home, though," he grinned.
"Let's go for a boat ride," Kyle suddenly changed the topic and began walking toward the pond.
"Huh?" Stan looked stunned, but falling into step. This was getting weirder and weirder. So apparently even Kyle was infected by this "Weird-Disease".
"Look over there, this gay boat. I'm in the mood for a ride," Kyle explained plainly. Stan was still rather surprised at his boyfriend's new non-caring attitude but nodded, "Alright."
They skipped around the heart-shaped pond's sharp angle and soon approached the boat Kyle had seen. Its shape couldn't surprise anyone anymore, as well as its beet red color. Kyle quickly got in and Stan practically had to follow suit, because otherwise he would've stood all alone in this fucked up place.
As the boat slowly drifted towards the middle of the heart by some non physical power, Kyle leaned back in the rather comfortable little boat. "Come here, Stan," he said, motioning for his boyfriend to join him on the cushion, with which the entire inner side of the little heart boat was covered.
Stan joined him joyfully, despite being a little uneasy about Kyle's unusual behavior. He laid his head on Kyle's chest softly and wrapped his arms around the Jew.
A content silence began to spread out and both boys just lay there in each others arms for awhile, enjoying the peacefulness of this place. "Dude, this is wonderful," Stan murmured into Kyle's chest after a few minutes.
"Hm-mm," Kyle replied, looking down at Stan, smiling. He pulled him up on eye-level and couldn't stop himself anymore to attack this adorable mouth of his. Stan returned the kiss with equal passion and smiled. He liked calm Kyle. Normal Kyle was always busy. Normal Kyle couldn't really relax. But when normal Kyle changed to calm Kyle it was a moment to enjoy.
Stan pushed Kyle closer into him with his hands, while he practically tried to eat the tasty Jew without using his teeth. And as his tongue was in a tight wrestling match with Kyle's, his mind began wandering off slowly. This was surely paradise.
It took the two lovebirds more than ten minutes to finish with their make-out-session. Finally a time when all they did was love each other in a calm and sweet way, instead of ending up having sex.
Stan retrieved to his old spot on Kyle's chest, a little exhausted from the day's events. It had been quite an exciting day indeed, so Stan wasn't surprised as Kyle, who also appeared a little exhausted, closed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep underneath Stan. And after a quick position change initiated by Stan, Kyle suddenly slept on top of him, protected by Stan's strong arms around him.
Stan, too, dozed off slowly, breathing in the lovely scent of Kyle's hair after removing his hat.
-L-o-v-e-X-L-o-v-e-X-L-o-v-e-X-L-o-v-e-X-L-o-v-e-X-L-o-v-e-X-L-o-v-e-X-L-o-v-e-X-L-o-v-e-
A few minutes later, thought, the almost asleep Stan saw an upright standing figure in front of him. But even through his dizzy, half-closed eyes he could recognize the person.
It was... "Jesus!" Stan gasped.
"Hello Stan and Kyle," he greeted, "how have you been?"
Kyle's eyes flew open quickly, "Jesus? What are you doing here?"
"Well, my son, I'm the son of god and I'm here to get you out the fuck of here," he explained.
"What is this place anyway?" Stan asked. Jesus looked a little like he didn't want to talk about this. But as polite as he usually was, he had to answer.
"Oh, it's the 'Garden of Eden', my son" he told Stan, who just looked at him slyly. "You mean this is where Adam and Eve lived?" he asked further in a monotone voice.
Jesus cleared his throat awkwardly, "Yes."
Kyle had just been observing the whole conversation, feeling no need to intervene yet.
"And where exactly is this "Garden of Eden"?" Stan asked.
"Jackson County, Missouri," Jesus replied shortly.
Stan raised his brows, "Seriously?"
"Yes... but you are kind of in the past, so in your time it's not there anymore, it's a long story and really complicated and I don't want to talk about it. When you're dead, you can ask god," Jesus added.
An awkward silence stretched out between them.
"So where's this tree?" Kyle suddenly asked.
"What tree?" Jesus asked shortly.
"This one tree where they ate this weird apple from, you know?" Kyle tried to explain and looked at Stan a bit helplessly.
"Yeah, you mean the one... wait... Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, right?" Stan said, remembering the name. Kyle nodded in response.
"Oh, well my children, it doesn't really exist. It's just made up by the people. The real reason why Adam and Eve got thrown out of here is that..." Jesus paused uneasily but went on, "...this place turned Adam gay. Dad's not homophobic or something, it was just that they were the human prototype and he needed them to have kids to see if it works, you know," Jesus explained.
The two of them just looked at him as if he just announced the Detroit Lions were going to win the Super Bowl.
Stan thought for a second and decided to take this opportunity to ask some more questions, "You know Jesus, I've always asked myself how Adam and Eve could build up the human race, I mean they only had two sons didn't they?" he asked.
"Uh, they didn't reproduce, they all died. After that, god made final changes and created new humans, this time more. They were just a- ow," Jesus was interrupted by a quick and sudden pain in his head. Stan and Kyle looked at each other with confused expressions, as Jesus mumbled a small apology. Neither of them felt like asking anymore now, though.
"Yeah... well, I think it would be best to get you two home now. Just one question beforehand: Do you wanna keep the clothes your wearing, Stan?"
Stan's eyes widened and he remembered he decided to dress in the pink version of his normal clothes. Kyle giggled silently as Stan blushed. "Uh... sure, why not? Jesus, just get us out of here, alright?"
"Alrighty then," said Jesus. "But could you close your eyes? The super power I'm about to use could make you blind, you know."
Stan rolled his eyes, "Sure." The two of them closed their eyes. Kyle noticed, he wasn't getting anything but he didn't care.
"Good... want some peanuts?"
-J-e-s-u-s-X-i-s-X-L-o-r-d-X-X-X-J-e-s-u-s-X-i-s-X-L-o-r-d-X-X-X-J-e-s-u-s-X-i-s-X-L-o-r-d-X-J-e-s-u-s-X-i-s-X-L-o-r-d-
A few minutes later they were back at Stan's house, "Thanks, Jesus."
"If you don't mind I'm gonna go up to heaven again," Jesus said in response, not sounding too eager to stay.
"Alright. Bye, Jesus," the two of them said in unison.
"Could you just... turn around."
Stan sighed and turned his back to Jesus, motioning for his boyfriend to do the same.
"Goodbye... Be safe, boys," Jesus said, lowering his voice slowly, as if he was disappearing. The door opened. The door closed. Jesus was gone. Wow.
The only thing left to do now was for one of the boys to sum up the day, this time it was Stan's turn, "Well... I think we've learned something today. Not everything a book tells us is true and we shouldn't make fun of other religions just because their beliefs are different from ours. The story of the Book of Mormon is full of holes, but still got something right. In the end every belief can teach us something and we should extract those parts and use them in life to create a better future for the humanity. In addition to that, we now know that there are indeed places that are so gay, to even creep gay people out."
"Yeah," Kyle agreed and ended the story with a loving kiss on Stan's lips.
The Heavenly End.
Okay, that was it. It was weird, right? XD Well, please review and express your views on this grossly offensive peace of art. Thank you.