Chapter 1
Meet Adan Vards
A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 28th of April, 2017, is this young man's 14th birthday. If this were a game where you could interact, the interface would tell you to enter a name. However, for the time being, the computer program, decides to just give this young man a name.
"Colossal Fatass."
It is so blatantly obvious that the boy's name is not what the computer just put in. Let's try again.
"Adan Vards."
Better. Although it can be questioned what kind of parent would name their kid some absurd name like that, the boy's joyful face is enough to confirm that Adan is indeed his name.
This boy's name is Adan. As previously mentioned a few sentences ago, it is Adan's birthday. He enjoys playing games and music, although he is not good at any of them. He enjoys reading books and comics He is pretty good at academics for his age, but he does not seem to blend in well with the trend. he has enough brute strength to crush wood logs; but he still wishes that he has some supernatural powers shown in books and such, and he often daydreams about them. His room is not of the tidiest; bits and pieces of almost everything is strewn around here and there.
He is still waiting for a birthday present that one of his friends had sent him via the postal service. He asks himself the question he had been asking himself ever since his friend notified him that they had sent it via mail: What kind of idiot would choose to waste fifty cents and the time of delivery when they could just walk five minutes and hand it to the recipient? But he doesn't dare to ask that question directly. That is just not a comment a gentleman will say.
Anyway, his mailbox has yet to notify him of yet another piece of important mail. It is the copy of SBURB beta that he was supposed to have received five days ago; the mail tracking system says that it has already arrived but there has been no sightings of the new game. Everyone's asking him to play it, and he just keeps reminding them the mail system is not within his control.
Besides, they already have a copy of the game but are just to cowardly to play it. One of Adan's friends, TT, had installed the game which resulted in his computer exploding. None of his other friends had the guts to try out the game, so the responsibility had naturally befell on him. Well, not actually, because the two crafty girls had teamed up and tricked Adan into agreeing to test out the game. Those scoundrels.
It seems that one of those scoundrels is trying to contact him. It's probably WP again, urging him to play the game.
- warpingProtosz [WP] began pestering clonedCheese[CC] at 8:58 -
CC: UGGGGGGHHHHHH, not again.
WP: If you want me to not bother you any more on this matter, then start the damn game already.
CC: I told you, the game is currently being processed in the mail along with you present which will be late in about 15 hours.
WP: Be patient, it will come. If you get the game, just notify me, ok?
CC: Sure, as long as you promise not to rip my sides off if I decide the game is too dangerous for my computer to take.
WP: Fine. Have you checked the mail today?
CC: Uhhhhhh…
WP: Of course not. Go check.
CC: K!
Adan rushes to his window, where he should've been able to see his mailbox. However, the mailbox is blocked by the figure of his mother, collecting the contents. Among the contents appears to be a brown envelope with the SBURB logo on it. Additionally, the maternal figure was carrying…. how many boxes was that? That was one more than he had expected for the day. Now he knows that WP's present wasn't delayed, but who was the second box from? Well, it looked like he was to find that out at a later time. For now they were in the custody of the old hag.
CC: Nope, no luck. The game and your present did arrive, but my mom just took it all.
WP: Then get it from her.
CC: Easier said than done. Since it was addressed to me, she is probably going to lock it in the safe or something.
WP: Really? I dressed the thing to your chumhandle. Maybe your game can get lucky?
CC: Maybe, although I highly doubt it.
WP: I'm still finding hard to believe that ur mom can be someone that bad. At least try to ease things out with her..
CC: Man, you know how weird that sounds from you? K, let's ask you a question. Why don't you try easing things out with your brother?
WP: Ew.
CC: Exactly.
WP: Ok, I think I finally understood your relations. Nevertheless, try to get the game back. Ping me when ur ready.
CC: Okay.
- warpingProtosz [WP] ceased pestering clonedCheese [CC] at 9:02 —
Adan sneaks out of his room into the hallway and is immediately met with the sight of something he hates the most: dogs. Over the years, the amount of dog posters So much for the passive-agressive relationship. All he could do was keep his room messier than ever. But one day, he would give that woman what she deserved.
The wafting smell from the kitchen tells him that the woman was cooking something with onions again. God, how he hates that smell. He decides that there would be some kind of protection needed and goes back into his room.
His room is so littered that he is having trouble even locating the mask that he usually wears to resist the temptation to cry out from those exasperating onion fumes. He looks around the room to see if there is anything that he can use. If he were to go against the witch anytime soon, he would need all the help he could get. He captchalogues up a piece of shorts lying around….
….And the tip of his nose is scratched by three knives ejected from his sylladex. Three thin lines of blood runs down his nose. He feels so stupid. Why the hell did he captchalogue knives that were obviously going to be dangerous? He checks his sylladex to see if there is anything else that would be threatening.
Yup. Inside his sylladex are three grenades, five pistols, a pack of explosives, and the pair of smelly shorts that he had just captchalogued. Where the hell did he get these in the first place? There was not a place around that would sell these kind of stuff, let alone to kids. Adan has no recollection of putting them there.
And the fetch modus is the same as always: Chaos. Well, the legit name for it is FIRO, which stands for First In Random Out, but it creates a chaos when overloaded. Everyone says that the Chaos modus is the worst modus out there, but it's not like he cared about what the others had to say. It had worked for him for fourteen years, he would not wish to trash his trusty modus just because of what others decided to say about OH MY FUCKING GOD IS THAT A FETCH MODUS THAT I SEE THERE
Adan quickly reached under his bed and retrieved the card. Yes! It was the fetch modus he had got for his 7th birthday! He had meant to use it, but he never got the chance to as he lost it the moment he got it. What is this "Chaos" modus you are speaking of? Such a thing never existed. The only modus worthy of recognition is the newly found one. It is the mighty, the great, the terrifying….
ORGANIZED CHAOS MODUS
… Wait, what?
Well, that's exactly what is says, so maybe that is it? Even the name sounds ironic and retarded. Adan starts to regret that he even put it to use without looking at it, but as he never had the tangible form of his original modus, he has to stick with this modus. Who knows? It may prove well…
An explosion knocks Adan off of his feet and spiraling into the closet, where his ginormous head gets stuck. After some painful grunting, he is finally able to see what happened; the changing of modus resulted in the contents being ejected out the window. The dynamite and the grenades created some kind of crater in the neighbor's backyard.
Oops.
Hey, at least his sylladex was free again. Adan quickly looked around the room if there was anything to use for his encounter with the lady. He captchalogued a bottle of ketchup that was filled with mustard, shorts that seemed like it had been there for more than a year, a bar of osmium that he would never be able to carry around without the help of his sylladex, and a pair of chopsticks. He never went anywhere without those chopsticks. Oh, and yeah, the mask. It was more like protective gear, made out of plastic and iron that shielded his face. The measures he would go to avoid those vile fumes.
Adan stepped out into the hallway again. To the left was the quarters of his mom and the storage room along with the bathroom, and to the right was the balcony which he had used often for activities and stargazing. Straight ahead were the stairs that would lead to the battlefield. But the purpose of this voyage was not to defeat the witch but to retrieve the packages held hostile. Maybe they could be stashed in her room? Adan decided to go check.
Nope, nothing out of the ordinary. The room is same as always… except for the fact that the safe doesn't seem to be in its place. Why, and how, did the woman move the safe to such an idiotic place? The safe is positioned right in the middle of the room, and its gigantic girth impedes any movement towards the bed or in fact any other area around the room. There is only one reason this is positioned this way; the objects of his rightful possession must be hidden inside here. Adan quickly scrambles under the desk and gets the the door of the safe. He has opened the safe so many times before, it will be foolish of the old woman to think that she could conceal anything in the safe. 92…..10….41….52…..25. There.
The thick door swings open to reveal disappointment. The safe is not contained with his mail; instead, it only contains a note. It reads,
Son,
If you would want to receive your packages, then do your laundry.
-Mom
Blackmail! Ransom! He will not accept such atrocity!
There needs to be something done to pay her back. Adan quickly grabs his mother's phone in order to expel something from his sylladex. Anything would suffice, except for the chopsticks or the mask. The phone randomly places itself in a card, which happens to be card three. The osmium is ejected with high velocity into the safe. That's gonna give that shrew one hell of a time to get the safe moving again. Adan closes the door, and creeps out of the room.
There is no delaying it at this point. He must face the cow and retrieve what is rightfully his. Down the stairs. Left, right. Left, right. Left, right. God, that smell of onions is intoxicating. He finally reaches the bottom, and if he turns left he will challenge the onion cooker. But not yet. He will avoid confrontation unless it is necessary. Instead he turns right, which is a hallway that leads to his mother's office.
However, Adan finds the office locked. Damn it. This is definitely where the package is. Sadly, he does not possess the key to open it. That does it. He has expended all possible pacifist options; there would be no choice but to turn to aggressive mode. It would've been better if he had just went aggressive from the very start; he was nowhere close to a pacifist in nature. His mom was nowhere close to his strength. He could probably win unless she decided to throw onions into his face. Adan turned down the hallway, and went to relieve himself before the big struggle began.
He entered the bathroom and looked around the scene where most of the one-upmanship battles happened. This had started when he cut up the picture of the puppy on the wall; then she had put the picture in a ridiculously ornate frame. On the other wall, there was the note he had wrote in toothpaste that read, "Try cleaning this," That had been decorated with flowers; and Adan's response was to use the toothpaste as an adhesive and put the picture of a female dog over the whole business. But the corners had curled and the picture started to peel off; his mother had tacked it and put even more tacks next to the picture. Your move, Adan.
Adan quickly thought about it, and first gathered all the tacks. The tacks placed itself in card 5, which ejected the mask and hung it on the top left tack of the picture. Then he quickly searched for the wrench that was always there; then he quickly rewired the pipes so that the water continuously sprayed out on to the picture. Take that, you old hag! He quickly picks up the mask by hand, careful not to eject anything in the sylladex, and throws the mask on the showerhead. Some quick decorations and it is ready to give a jump scare. Adan quickly exits the scene.
No more joking around now. Everything that could be done has been done, and there is no other place to search. It is time to face the evil and conquer. Adan walks through the doorway to the kitchen and OH MY FUCKING GOD IS THAT AN ONION FLYING AT MY FACE
Within the split second Adan uses his chopsticks to grab the onions out of midair. He launches it back to the wall, where it explodes and creates more fumes. Not the best choice, but it is better than exploding in his face. Next time he would need to be more careful.
STRIFE!
AGGRIEVE!
Adan does an epic run up and jumps into the air like a pro. Adan attempts to harm the woman with the chopsticks; however, she just pushes them back. Better luck next time.
ABJURE!
His mom seems to have something in store for him; a freshly brewed batch of onion soup. A gigantic bowl is prepared with steaming onion soup for him. He throws a tantrum, shaking his head like a rabid beast and throws his hand out in disgust.
Alas, but the woman is too strong! She forces the onion soup into his hands, which makes Adan's face cringe into something that resembles the thing between his lower end. In a final effort to defy against the woman's reign, Adan pushes the bowl away from himself; but as laws of physics dictates, two combined forces will act in a combined direction. And in this case the combined directions was towards, unfortunately, Adan's face.
That's done it. Adan has no hope of beating the mighty witch. Maybe next year. Maybe the year after. But none now. Dejectedly, he captchalogues the empty bowl, which then expels his shorts directly into the laundry basket. Not the thing he would do out of his own free will, but situations were dire. He would rather choose defeat rather than to lose possession of his materials.
That has the desired effect on the old cow. She takes it that Adan will do the laundry, and hands him the key to her office. Adan grabs the key, picks up the package, and dashes upstairs. None of his friends can ever know of this humiliating defeat. He loads up his pesterchum application to find WP desperately trying to contact him.
- warpingProtosz [WP] began pestering clonedCheese [CC] at 9:15 —
WP: Did you get the packages yet?
WP: Hello?
WP: Earth to Adan, are you there?
CC: Sorry for making you wait. I have all my packages!
WP: Good. Now insert the CD into your computer.
CC: Awwww, why the rush? I wanted to look at my birthday presents first...
WP: I'd rather you not.
CC: :P
CC: You already waited for a week and you can't even wait a few more minutes?
CC: How impatient.
WP: Fine, have it your way. But promise me that you will install the game within fifteen minutes.
CC: Fine!
- warpingProtosz [WP] ceased pestering clonedCheese [CC] at 9:15 —
Adan slowly picks up the box that WP sent him; it seems heavier than his present to her, but not very heavy. What could it be? He can't take the suspense anymore. He just grabs the top flaps of the box and rips it open to reveal….
….Another box. Great. WP is probably trolling him, and it will probably contain something like a penny in the very middle. He rips opens the box again, this time less anxious to see what is inside, and again finds another box. He just throws the box onto the floor and reaches for the other one.
This one is from TT - the chumhandle that belongs to the guy that got his computer exploded. He usually doesn't fix things that well on his own accord, and is probably going to call Adan over to "fix" it for him, which is their shorthand for "screwing the system up even more beyond the point of recognition."
Adan quickly rips the box open to examine its contents. There is not much…. except for another box. With a groan, he lifts the new box out of the original box. Wait, there is something stuck to the bottom of the box. Adan examines it.
ADAN OBTAINED THE CHANCE MODUS!
He turns the card around to find a note there. It reads:
Dear Adan,
Happy birthday. I really want to say that you are one awesome bro to have, and I really couldn't ask for anything more. Let's hope you think the same on me also. WP says she's gonna send her present via mail so I'm doing that too, and I really hope it gets there in time cuz my present came late thanks to the mailman having a car crash. So this contains two gifts: one is a new fetch modus, which is commonly called the Chance modus. Apparently each card gets a certain probability of getting ejected based on its time in the sylladex, and I think it is way cooler than your shitty modus. (No offense). Secondly, in this box is a
The rest of the note is burnt to the point it is illegible. What could've happened there? He can only wonder. He equips the Chance modus.
The modus does some quick calculations, and figures out the probability of each one getting selected by judging how long it has been in the sylladex. The ketchup bottle seems to have the highest chance of getting selected, and the empty bowl has the least. But given his rotten luck, the wrong card is going to be selected every single time.
WP is pestering him again. Looks like his fifteen minutes are up.
- warpingProtosz [WP] began pestering clonedCheese [CC] at 9:30 —
WP: Hello?
WP: Adan?
WP: Hello?
WP: Your fifteen minutes are up!
CC: Okay, fine! I'll get to it. Just be patient...
WP: I am giving you ten minutes to load the game up.
- warpingProtosz [WP] ceased pestering clonedCheese [CC] at 9:31 —
No more delay, then. Adan inserts the disc into his computer and opens up the load file. It tells him to press enter so he does, and a beautifully colored screen shows up.
1%….
2%….
3%….
4%….
5%….
6%….
God damn it.
Author's Note
Okay, as many of you may see this is my first upload to fanfiction. This is proving very hard; the formatting here is kinda annoying and kills everything. But I guess I'll have to cope with that.
Fanfiction wouldn't allow me to have colors, so here are the reference colors:
CC: Dark green
WP: lilac
TT: AC00AC in hex, which is a shade of magenta