I'm Loosing my Family
I'm loosing my family, and rapidly at that.
My wife, my dear Elizabeth she died seven years ago. She died giving birth to our youngest, Susan. I lost Elizabeth, but gained my darling Susan in return. She won't talk to anyone. I think it might be that she blames herself for her mother's death. I don't know if that's true or not, but it sometimes seems as if she does. If she does in fact blame herself, she shouldn't. It wasn't her fault. It was no one's fault. No one could help it or control it. I know that, but I wonder if Susan does? I know how she feels. I myself I feel guilty for her death sometimes as well. I miss her terribly. I miss her almost as much as I love her, and I know I always will. Too add to that, Thomas is now dead. Shot by Tavington. Mark my words, before this war is over, I'm going to kill him. I'll kill him for what he's done to my family. For what he's done to countless families. For killing Thomas. Thomas. One more person for us to miss and feel guilty for. I don't know if his death is my fault Gabriel's fault or his own, Though it was probably a mixture of all of us. I was planning to go after Gabriel, anyway. Why in the name of god did he do what he did? Did he think I would let them hang Gabriel with out a fight? With out putting forth some effort to stop them? I told him to be quiet because that bastard Tavington and those damned Redcoats were right there! We had to wait until they left. Had Thomas no sense at all? I thought I'd taught him better than that. I must have been wrong. I guess I had not taught Thomas or Gabriel as well as I thought I did. My error, but I can still try to save Gabriel from Thomas' fate at the hands of Colonel Tavington and what Redcoats are under his command as well as the ones on the battlefield. I can't let him go back. But I know that will be his first course of action when he takes one. I can't let him go. I refuse to loose another family member. It has occurred to me that if I deny him this right, he'll be lost to me anyway. Still his family needs him, I need him. Thomas and Elizabeth and to some extent Susan and Nathan, we can't afford the loss of Gabriel. He'd probably want to leave first thing in the mourning, as soon as he could. He won't go if I have anything to say about it. I know he's not a child but he's my child. Maybe the death of Thomas has knocked some sense into him… maybe. Maybe he'll stay, but I hold out little if any hope. Even though I know he'll more than likely want to go back, and that angers me to no end. If my suspicions are correct, I don't think I will be able to control my anger. But perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised and he will stay with his family.
I carry less of a grudge against the Redcoats, as they only follow the orders they are given. They have to follow orders or they're booted out with no honor. I was once in their shoes. I was once in the British army. I know how it is. Although, I did kill most of the ones I killed yesterday out of rage for my dead son. But did Thomas have no sense? Didn't he know me, his own father, better than that? I had no hope of winning against that number of British in that situation and in that position. Once they headed out to Camden, there would be less of them and we would have the element of surprise on our side. It succeeded when we went after Gabriel yesterday. It would have succeeded if Thomas had just use what little sense God put in his head and waited. Then they would all be here and alive with us now.
Then there's Gabriel. I'm all but sure that Gabriel will want to go and rejoin the Continental Army, he'll most likely say it's because of his duty. His duty is to his family.
His family, not the army. Perhaps some sense will have entered his mind and he'll know that now, but perhaps not. His duty is to tend to his broken family, not to bleed his blood on the battlefield. I've probably lost him, too. I see that now. And what's worse, there's little I can do to stop it, if there's anything at all.
After what we did on our attack on the Redcoats to get Gabriel back- Most likely only to lose him again, I might add- Samuel has, in a way, been lost to me as well. He's afraid now. Afraid of what happened, afraid of me, I suspect. He will forever be changed by the events of yesterday, as will I. As will we all.
Nathan I have not lost yet, but Nathan himself has lost something, his innocents. He told me he was glad he killed those men. He's no longer an innocent boy with a happy child hood with in his future, but a man with blood on his hands, with no remorse for that blood, and his childhood taken away from him by this cruel conflict. He's still my son, thank God. I haven't lost him, and I hope never to. Margaret is not lost to me, either, and Charlotte remains true to me, God bless her beautiful soul. But I have, regrettably lost Thomas, Elizabeth, Susan, Nathan and probably Gabriel as well.
Elizabeth- when she died giving birth to my precious young daughter, Susan.
Susan- sometime between the period when she found how her mother had died and Thomas' death that day.
Nathan- when we ambushed the Redcoat soldiers ands he saw men die before his own hands at his hands, his brother hands and at my hands.
Gabriel- when he joined the Continentals some two years ago, and brought this cruel conflict upon our home, and I'll lose him again if he goes back.
And Thomas- when Tavington shot him cold-blood yesterday.
I miss them. I wish they were here with me now, but they're now. One thing is still for certain. I'm loosing my family, and I can't allow that to happen. If Gabriel does what I think he will do, I'll most likely go with him… no; I will go with him. I have to go with him. I'm joining him, for I can't loose my family any further than I already have. I'll also avenge the death of my son, Thomas, and the loss of innocents and childhood of Nathan and Samuel. I have to; it's the only thing I can do now. I'll bear arms and fight as I see that is what I have to do now. It's my only option left. I'm loosing my family now, but I'll save it, regain and salvage what I have, and avenge it's losses. I refuse to loose my family any further than I already have. I'm loosing my family, but that stops right now.