INTRODUCTION
Well, I guess I'll start off this little nugget of true history with this: you humans are all idiots. Do you really believe that a senior citizen built a raft and gathered two of every animal (making sure one was male and the other female) all on his lonesome? Do you honestly think that there really was a man who could heal the blind with mud made of his spit, then rubbing it into the guys eyes? I would think that whole ordeal would just scratch his cornea, but no, it's in your Christian Bible. Did you think that a minority group could overthrow the majority with no magical assistance? How could they? They're called a 'minority' for a reason; it means that there are less of them then of others. If so far, you're starting to shake you're head in disgust, I'll say one thing to you: you're stupid. Just because it's in a mass produced book that's read by some elder with a white robe once a week, you believe it fully and without question. For those of you who are interested, I'll give you a choice similar to what Morphius offered Neo; take the blue pill and you'll wake up, forgetting this entire affair and going on with your dreary life, never knowing the truth. Take the red pill, and go further down the rabbit whole. The decision to read or not read this book is up to you. Don't hate me for it.
Now, in my ramblings, I suppose I forgot to introduce myself. I am Bartimaeus. I am Sakhr al-Jinni, N'gorso the Mighty, the Serpent of Silver Plumes, and so on. I have rebuilt the walls of Uruk, Karnak, and Prague. I have spoken with Solomon. I have run with the buffalo fathers of the plain. I have watched over Old Zimbabwe will the stones fell and the jackals fed on its people. I am Bartimaeus! Oh, dear, that was tiring. That would be the usual answer to my first charge with most who summon me. For some reason, the magician in questions always charges me with telling my name. Um, who else would it be, Neanderthal? You think that you got the wrong djinni? I sure hope not, because that would, A: mean you are incredibly stupid. Calling upon the wrong spirit is not like calling the wrong person on the telephone. You can't just hang up. You'd have to know the name of the spirit in order to dismiss them, and if you thought you would be getting one and get the other, odds are you don't recall exactly what you said. Once the spirit in question realizes that you goofed, you're a goner. Honestly, the formalities of man and spirit need to be toned down a bit, though you should never call a djinni, afrit, marid, or higher Being a demon. It immediately puts you on the spirits dung list straight away, something that you shouldn't want.1
Ok, finally, I will now tell you just exactly what this is. It is a true collection of history. It will have major events in your humans short timeline and how the magicians involved got all the glory for the Higher Beings hard work. I will tear apart the Bible, the Quran, Ancient Greece and Roman mythology. I will tell you what fallacies there are in your childrens history books.2 I will do this all in the hope that you will shower us djinni with the praise and appreciation we deserve, though, in all reality, it won't change a thing.
Can't stop a jinn from trying though, can you?
1 Not that it would matter much in the first place, honestly. By summoning us, you really, for a lack of a better word, piss us off. Everything you do past that most likely just digs you a deeper hole.
2 Or your history books, if that be the case. Don't want you to grow up with false knowledge, do we?