Disclaimer: I own nothing
The Way to a Man's Heart
It was mid-morning and in the Black Order Headquarters it was relatively quiet with most of the member orders already 'hard' at work, and only a few still lingered in the dining hall. Among those still present, four benches into the room, a white-haired exorcist eagerly shoved his breakfast down his throat, his eating habits generating no comments as everyone had witnessed his great appetite on many occasions. However this did not mean that he had been left alone completely. From the doorway a group of uneasy Order members containing a mix of exorcists, finders and people from the science department watched him uneasily, speaking in hushed whispers that were steadily becoming more heated.
"He doesn't look ill…"
"Maybe it's because he's a parasitic type exorcist; when he gets ill he just acts weird?"
"Or what if he's just suddenly grown a very odd, slightly creepy sense of humour?"
"Maybe he's always been like this but has never really let out this side of his personality before?"
"He's just snapped, he can't take the pressure anymore, what with being under surveillance all the time and the possibility that he could become a Noah."
"No, it's directed at Kanda so he must have snapped due to the constant fights and put downs."
"I don't know, having Link follow me everywhere including into the bathroom would drive me pretty crazy."
"Alright Lavi, go talk to him."
"What, why do I have to do it?"
"Because you're his friend."
"So are all of you!"
"Yes, but you're his good friend and an exorcist, so if he attacks you can defend yourself."
"But my I left my hammer back in my room; I don't even have a weapon!"
"But you've still got better reflexes and you can use a chair if you have to, come on man you've got to be a bit creative."
"What about Lenalee?"
"How dare you even suggest we throw my cute Lenalee at the beast!"
"But you're happy to throw me at him instead!"
"Yes." Was the unanimous decision spoken by all but one of the people gathered at the door at an incredulous red-head who at that moment wished he'd followed the Panda's advice not to become too involved with the lives of the members of the Black Order.
"Stop wasting time Lavi, the sooner you go the sooner you get this over with." Someone stated matter-of-factly urging Lavi to get on with his task, while someone else, taking a more decisive course of action gave the red-head a rough shove forward. Flapping his arms about in a comical manner Lavi eventually managed to regain his balance and threw back a baleful glare at whoever had just pushed him forward.
Unable to figure out who was the culprit Lavi eventually gave up, patted down his clothes, took a deep breath, walked over to Allen and tentatively took a seat beside his friend.
"Hey Lavi, what's up?" Allen greeted the red-head at his approach.
"Moyashi…" Lavi trailed off, still not sure how he was supposed to get the conversation started. Allen, unaware of Lavi's inner turmoil swallowed another mouthful of food.
"How have you been lately? Feeling a bit under the weather? A little bit stressed maybe?" Finally deciding on a route of attack Lavi attempted to broach the subject through a set of general questions that would encourage his young colleague to get some things of his chest. Unfortunately it appeared that Allen was refusing to take the bait.
"No. I'm great, kind of bored since there have been no missions and I've not really had much to do but otherwise everything's great." Allen replied cheerfully.
"So you're not ill or stressed?" wheedled Lavi.
"No" Allen replied bluntly throwing Lavi an odd look.
"Right, I've run out of ideas then, you're going to have to explain to me what you've been doing." Lavi huffed.
"Um, having breakfast…while Link watches me with a look of barely concealed disgust and writes in his notebook." Said Allen a little confused at his friend's questioning.
"Yeah looks like you're having fun. I meant what you've been doing this past week, specifically with Kanda. Me and the gang, the gang being the whole Order, are a little concerned with your recent actions. So on behalf of everyone a few of us have decided to stage an intervention, in the hopes that we can extend your life to the end of the week at least. So please explain to me why you've been on a manic food offensive with our angry sword wielding colleague, who will probably get a kick out of skinning you alive."
"Oh, well, it's simple really." Allen spoke, eyes lighting up with understanding, "I've come to the conclusion that the reason Kanda is always so angry is because he obviously doesn't get enough to eat. I mean I've only ever seen him eat soba noodles, so there's no way he's getting his healthy requirement of five a day and when I said all of this to Link he didn't object to my assessment, so I took that as Link's way of showing his encouragement."
"Link?" Lavi turned his attention onto the blonde-haired man sitting opposite Allen and stared incredulously at the inspector, hardly believing that he could just sit back and watch Allen put his half-brained plans into action. Taking note of Lavi's attention Link gave an unexpected explanation for his actions.
"I am currently writing a list of Walker's favourite midnight snacks, don't tell me you wouldn't make the same choice." Unable to argue with Link's position Lavi turned back to the younger exorcist.
"Let me get this right, you've spent the last few days leaving food outside Kanda's room, slipping lists of food under Kanda's door, giving him a random assortment of dishes at dinner while running off with his soba and shoving meat buns in Kanda's mouth every time he tries to shout at you? And all of this is out of concern for Kanda's well-being and Link's non-objection of encouragement?" Lavi asked still trying to comprehend the Moyashi's current insanity
"Exactly!" Allen agreed strongly smiling widely at his accomplishment.
"Have you gone nuts? Kanda's going to kill you!" Lavi shouted unable to hold back his thoughts.
"But I think it's working, haven't you noticed Kanda's had more colour in his cheeks since I've started feeding him."
"Moyashi I think that's due to a mix of anger and embarrassment, not to nutritional fulfilment." Lavi said in exasperation and regretted it almost instantly at Allen's fallen expression. Sighing Lavi tried to let the younger man down lightly. "Allen, I think maybe it's time for you to stop ...being so helpful to Kanda." At Allen's blank look Lavi continued to talk, his eloquence going out the window. "So can you take the meat buns out of your pockets and just give Kanda some space, at least until he's not so red-faced anymore. We've been quite worried for the past couple of days whether Kanda would manage to kill you first or die himself due to an aneurism."
"But—"
"Allen," Lavi cut him off, "has Kanda threatened to kill and or strike you down with Mugen while causing severe bodily harm to your person?" Lavi asked bluntly.
"Well…yes" Allen grudgingly replied.
"And has he in any way communicated to you that you're current interest in his diet is welcome and has encouraged you to continue, and no his red cheeks don't count." Lavi struck his final blow hoping it would be enough to convince Allen to put a stop to his antics.
"…no." Allen replied in small voice.
"Okay, so for my sake if not your own, can you try to hold back with the food offensive until the end of the week and then, I don't know, be slightly less aggressive, maybe only give him one meat bun a day or something." Lavi said in a considerably warmer tone.
"…fine." Allen finally replied deflated, his head bowed and eyes glued to the table.
"Great! You know Moyashi you really do like living life on the edge, but hey I guess that just comes with the job. Anyway I'm glad we've had this talk, it's been great, I've got to get back to work before the Old Panda realises I'm gone, enjoy the rest of your breakfast, Link good luck with that list. See ya." A conciliatory pat on the back and Lavi was walking to the door leaving a glum looking Allen behind to pick at the remainder of his breakfast and unload his pockets of all things edible.
At the entrance of the dining hall Lavi received various pats and compliments for dealing with Allen so effectively. Lavi was sure that the younger exorcist would be safe until the end of the week at least and as everyone was happy with the outcome the crowd quickly thinned and they went about their own activities, crisis now averted. So until next week they would push this issue to the back of their minds. Except barely twelve hours later and it seemed that the issue had not been dealt with as succinctly as they had hoped.
xxxxx
Dinner was often the busiest time of the day in the dinning hall as many Order members choose to eat their supper at the same time as opposed to breakfast and lunch when they would appear in the dinning room in sporadic groups when they were hungry. However at night everyone was happy to come together as one big family for a shared meal.
So with the room packed with hungry people a decidedly twitchy looking white-haired exorcist sat down next to his red-haired friend, although his spirits had been lifted marginally since their morning talk, he was still feeling down. Throughout the day Allen had managed to follow Lavi's advice and keep away from Kanda and the incessant urge to stuff him with food, though Lavi's praise was not much of a reward for all his efforts.
"You're doing great, you've not seen him at all today and admitting your problem to yourself is the first step in tackling with your addiction. Keep up the good work!" Finished with his pep talk Lavi proceed to jovially talk about the various uses of a cooking pot. However it was a conversation that was destined to never take place as the angry stomp of Kanda completely displaced his line of thought.
The Japanese exorcist had garnered the attention of most of the hall as he angrily made his way into the room and scanned the crowd looking for a certain cursed exorcist, people noting that he was looking particularly frazzled, his hair sticking out messily and his hands clenched. Catching sight of his target Kanda quickly stomped his way over. Coming to a sudden stop beside the white-haired exorcist Kanda gave the young man just enough time to take in his livid face before delivering a sucker punch right in his face and stomping back out of the hall, no one brave enough to put up a fight as he left.
For a moment the room was struck with a shocked silence many people staring at Kanda's retreating back slack-jawed, until Allen's grown of pain brought their attention back to him. In a feat of strength Allen struggled to his feet, clutching at his throbbing jaw and raced out of the hall chasing after Kanda. A second later and a riot of voices were heatedly discussing the evening drama.
Ten minute later and an irritated white-haired exorcist marched back into the dining hall with a determined stride, heading straight for his red-haired friend.
"Don't ever try to help me again unless I need help fighting against the Noah, akuma or Komui's komurin." Allen ground out darkly in an expression previously only reserved for recounting his Master's immoral escapades, his threatening aura catching Lavi's voice in his throat.
Satisfied that he'd made his point, by the look of fear in Lavi's eyes, Allen quickly grabbed up several plates of his untouched food and headed for the exit, Link following closely behind while he scribbled furiously in his notebook trying to capture the exact amount of anger that could be traced in the young exorcists footfalls in writing.
Gob smacked Lavi assessed the current situation. Allen had managed to wheedle his way into the lives and affections of the Black Order and it seemed in some unholy way he had finally managed to do the same to his most determined critic; apparently the quickest way to Kanda's heart was through his stomach.
-The End-